The Life and Times of Sirius Black
Sirius is six when they finally understand what Father means when he says Sirius is his heir. It means Sirius is his son, the one being trained to be the man of the family; it means Father will one day leave the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, and everything that goes along with it, to Sirius, means he expects Sirius to grow up to be just like him- a relentless, cunning, ambitious man with power. Sirius is six the first time they think that maybe they don't quite fit in this mold their parents have given them, but that thought is pushed away because they are six and want nothing more than to please their father and mother and be a good role model for their little brother.
Sirius is eight and constantly growing more and more tired of Mother showing them off at all these pureblood events their family attends. This annoyance and need to just be alone while at one of these ridiculous events is not a new experience- they've been feeling this way for two years, more or less, but lately Sirius is beginning to understand that their discomfort is less from the constant attention (this is actually something they enjoy most of the time) and more due to their mother introducing them as her "eldest son and the Black family heir" and the other pureblood women fawning over how "handsome" they were and how Sirius was "the perfect gentleman" and how, in a few years, they would make a "fine suitor and husband." Yes, the problem with the attention was that Sirius didn't fit into these boxes they'd created for them- they weren't a "gentleman" or "perfect pureblood boy" or even a boy at all. Sirius knew they definitely weren't a girl either; they were just Sirius. They were eight and definitely not a boy or a girl but definitely sure Mother and Father would not approve, so they continued to go to the ministry parties and pureblood events with their parents and smile and pretend to be a gentleman and a good boy.
Sirius is eleven and their Hogwarts letter has just arrived. There's a moment where they expect to read "Dear Mr. Black" and disappointment and some other heavy feeling that they can't name but feels a lot like wearing skin that's a size too small settles deep in their gut, but they push it away and ignore it as well as they can, just like they've done for as long as they could remember. But, once they break the seal and begin to read the letter- the letter addressed simply to Sirius Black, no Mr or Miss like Mother said there would be, said every proper letter had- a different feeling washed away the ones buried deep inside them, the feelings of not fitting in, both in their surroundings and in their own skin, and the feeling of living a lie somehow, that they've been carrying around since they realized they weren't the perfect heir their parents believed them to be, or even their son. For the first time Sirius felt like they were able to breathe, they weren't crazy- someone else understood and believed them. The thought of someone believing them made Sirius remember when they were nine and they asked their father if there was some other choice besides boy or girl and their father scoffed and replied that of course there wasn't as he shooed Sirius from his study because he had business to attend to and no time for Sirius's ridiculous questions. This memory distracted them so much they had to re-read the letter.
Dear Sirius Black,
Congratulations on being accepted to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Included with this letter is a list of supplies needed for all first years. Additionally, it has come to our attention that your circumstance requires accommodation different from the usual gendered dorms. We are prepared to offer you a choice of the following options: you may have a bed in both the female and male dorms, a bed in one of the dorms (the choice of which is yours), or separate rooming accommodations within your house with anyone in your house who may also require similar accommodations. Please notify us by owl no later than August 30th. We look forward to seeing you on the first of September.
Sincerely,
Professor Minerva McGonagall
Deputy Headmistress of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Sirius could hardly believe it- Hogwarts knew they weren't a boy or girl and not only did they acknowledge it but they also weren't going to force them to pretend to be a boy! Of course, they'd choose to room with just the boys in case word got back to Mother and Father, after all their parents did know the parents of most every Slytherin, who would be fast to owl their parents if the Black heir had a bed in both dorms or by themself. Just like choosing to dorm with only boys, though they would've liked to room with both the boys and the girls, Sirius expected to be in Slytherin, not because they belong but because that's what is expected from them as a member of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black and especially as the heir.
Sirius is thirteen and they've gotten used to the verbal attacks and physical abuse that have accompanied their time at home after going away to Hogwarts. First their parents had been appalled at their sorting into Gryffindor and demanded a resort because "no son of Orion Black would be in Gryffindor," only to be denied on the grounds of not having a son at Hogwarts, Gryffindor or otherwise, but instead a child that was neither son nor daughter who was a proud and rightly sorted Gryffindor and would not be resorted. That day marked the shift of Sirius from proper and cherished heir to ungrateful disgrace in the eyes of Walburga and Orion Black. September First of their first year marked that change, but their thirteenth summer was by far the worst of this attitude. Sirius was always sequestered away in their room, except, of course, for the times Father would send Kreacher to bring them to his study so he and Mother could remind them of what a disappointment they were and how lucky they were not to be disowned, of course Sirius knew that they were only still around because of how bad it would look for them to do something so publicly damning to the family name. No, their parents preferred much quieter means: a few well-placed smacks from their father's cane, mother's favorite dark curses, and a storm of malicious words and promises should Sirius try to mention their parents' "firm hand" and their "due punishment," all of which was perfectly concealable under their robes. Sirius is thirteen and they grow more and more certain they want nothing to do with their parents and their way of life.
Sirius is fifteen when they drunkenly came out as nonbinary to the other Marauders. Even drunk they couldn't figure out why they'd told them about something they'd only learned the word for this past summer. Peter and James just looked at them dumbly, clearly unaware of what that meant, but Remus, Remus, he was looking at Sirius like he knew exactly what their drunken declaration meant, and that both pleased and frightened Sirius immeasurably. Sirius is fifteen and explaining how they're not really a boy or a girl, they're just Sirius, and James and Peter are trying to understand, muddling their way through it, and saying things like "mate, you could sneak up into the girls dorm because the spell only repels boys and you're not! Wicked!" and Remus is nodding along but that bemused understanding that's in James and Peter's eyes is not reflected in Remus's. He's got that same look in his eyes he used to have before they found out Remus was a werewolf; that look that says he's hiding something he thinks isn't normal and that he thinks he should be ashamed of. Sirius wonders what he's hiding, how long that look has been there, and why Sirius's drunken words have brought it out with such a vengeance, but they don't ask him because James and Peter have changed the subject and James is daring Peter to streak across the grounds and Remus won't look Sirius in the eyes.
Sirius is fifteen and a half and they can't stop watching Remus. How he twirls his quill between his thumb and forefinger when he's trying to figure how to word something when he's writing. How he'll stick only to research and planning of a prank during the four days leading up to a full moon so he can go to bed early. How he always does his homework the day it's assigned but can't resist a game of exploding snap, especially if he's working on potions or herbology when he's asked if he wants to play. How he gets that look more and more often, or maybe Sirius just notices it more now. How he always wears baggy jumpers when he can, even in the heat, and changes in the bathroom even though he's been rooming with the other Marauders for nearly five years now and Sirius has told him that his scars are nothing to be ashamed of. Sirius is fifteen and a half and fairly certain they're fast on the way to falling in love with their best friend. They hope he doesn't notice, but knowing Remus he probably knew before Sirius did and the best they can hope for is that he doesn't mind too much.
Sirius is nearly sixteen and it's the middle of the night and they're on the Knight Bus on their way to the Potters', hoping they won't mind their sleeping on the couch for a few nights until they find somewhere to go. They've finally left, been disowned and told to "leave and never come back" really, but Sirius knows they'd never have lasted the remainder of the summer in that house where everyone hates them, even Reggie, and the walls practically ooze oppression and Dark magic. No, they'd have left even if they hadn't been cast out, so Sirius figures now is as good a time as any. Even though they know all this, being disowned hurts a lot, considerably more than Sirius had expected. They're almost sixteen and the Potters take them in, say they're a part of the family now and James says he's always wanted a sibling and Sirius blurts out their secret right there in the late hours of the night because, after all, that's part of why Sirius's family didn't want them, but Mr. Potter just smiles while Mrs. Potter explains that they already knew and James sheepishly admits to having told them and just like that the Potter family is four instead of three.
Sirius is sixteen when they finally learn Remus's secret. Remus is drunk, which, considering his werewolf metabolism, is quite the feat, and the two of them are on the roof of Gryffindor tower while James, Peter, and the rest of the house are celebrating the latest quidditch victory and Remus is crying. Remus is crying and saying things like he isn't really a boy and Sirius is confused and heartbroken over his words because Remus sounds so broken over this and they're thinking, of course you're a boy. Unless you're like I am, or maybe you're a girl? And Sirius is quiet and thinking that maybe that's why Remus understood them but Remus is looking at them with red eyes and a tear stained face and whispers "I was born a girl" and suddenly Sirius understands, understands his baggy clothes and his unwillingness to undress anywhere but the bathroom and his ridiculous idea that his lack of a penis makes him less of a man somehow. "And I was born a boy but I'm not. You're a real boy, Remus," and then finds their arms full of a drunk sobbing Remus intent on hugging them to death and it's the best they've felt in the last year.
Sirius is seventeen and set to graduate and move into the flat they've gotten in London with Remus. They've decided to become roommates but Moony and Padfoot continue to dance around each other, flirting and casual touches and affection but not enough to cross the unspoken lines between lovers and friends, though it's clear that both want to. War is looming on the horizon and they're really too young to be worried about that sort of thing, honestly, but they're set to start Auror training in July and they're just a little scared out of their wits, even though Sirius won't admit it. Sirius is seventeen and already wishing for more time: more time at the first place they felt they belonged, more time with the first people who accepted them as they are, more time safe from the turmoil raging on outside the castle walls. Sirius is seventeen and hoping they won't let the war break them apart.
Sirius is almost twenty one and broken. They've been framed for the betrayal of their best friends and the murders of innocent people and no one will fucking listen to them as they say, scream, that they're innocent. Sirius is almost twenty one and there are a few things they know for certain. They know they look pretty damn guilty, they know they aren't getting a trial, and they know no one is coming to save them, they've got no one left. Peter's a traitor in the wind that no one is even looking for, James and Lily are dead, and the war and the suspicion tore Remus and them apart hardly a year after they'd finally gotten together. No, Sirius knows they're alone and doomed and a small part of them thinks maybe they deserve it.
Sirius isn't quite sure how old they are, though they're fairly sure they're thirty three now but Azkaban made it hard to keep track of the passing of time, and they have spent so much time as Padfoot since escaping that they've forgotten a bit what it's like to be a person and just feel so much, so they go back to being Padfoot and spending all their energy and focus on finding the traitor, Peter, and when they pick up Remus's scent around Hogwarts, a smell they could never forget despite the years and the influence of dementors, they certainly don't whine and cry themself to sleep as Padfoot and avoid changing back and thinking and feeling because, surely, Remus is over it and so are they.
Sirius is thirty six and about to die. They're at the Ministry to help Harry and time seems to slow for a moment as they fall toward the veil. Sirius is falling, falling, and they hope Remus can move on and find love with someone else even though part of them doesn't want to relinquish their hold on him even though they have to. Sirius is thirty six and starting to touch the veil now and they hope Harry does more than just survive the war, they hope Remus is there to help him in a way they no longer can and weren't able to much before. Sirius is thirty six and nearly gone and they figure they had a tough life but it was worth it for the last people they'll ever see- Remus and Harry- and Sirius goes through the veil in peace.