"What if I wasn't here tomorrow? What if I either suddenly disappeared or just dropped dead? Would any of you care?" I muttered, but they didn't hear. They didn't see the tears as they trailed down my face, they never do. No matter how much I try and talk to them, ask them even the simplest of questions... I'm simply invisible. "I know I'm a mess, I do want to be better and I know I need to pull myself together. But, what can I do?" I whisper, the tears falling faster and heavier now. I've finally stopped trailing after them, allowing their steps to fade from the sand in front of me. "Not like they even notice that I was behind much less if I wasn't near them at all." I thought glumly, feet turning themselves and taking me towards the forest that bordered the beach. "Why am I such a screw-up? My own supposed family doesn't notice my existence," I cried, stumbling through the wild terrain. My feet seemed to catch every single root and every thorned bush, or prickly plants seemed to decide and use my legs as scratching posts. Not to mention how mosquitoes and every other insect seemed to think I was their food that evening. But no matter the damage my brain registered no pain, only the numbness that seeped into my very bones, leaving me with the chilling realization that no matter what I do my family won't notice me. They probably don't even know or remember a thing about me.
Each thought that flooded through my head, each scenario, was worse than the last. I hadn't even noticed when I collapsed due to hyperventilation, the only thing I could focus on is that I was alone. "WHY CAN'T ANYONE BE HAPPY THAT IM HERE! They pride themselves on family? HAH! What even is a family? Because this sure as hell isn't one... you're not supposed to ignore and forget about family."My frustration could clearly be heard in my quivering voice as tears continued to fall. I couldn't take it anymore! For the hopefully final time, I drew my tiny switchblade, opening it with an experts finesse before bringing the chilled metal to my scarred wrist. Slowly, I dragged the blade across my pale skin, watching as the blood soon welled and flowed over my arm. Leaving a track of crimson, others soon following, but it wasn't enough. It was never enough, it didn't erase the pain anymore... only made it more obvious. Who would care if I was to move my blade up just the slightest bit and perhaps nick the blue that was present there? "They wouldn't care..." I sighed, quickly dragging my blade across my wrist. Slitting it clean and not even flinching at the burn that accompanied it, that wouldn't matter soon anyway. I sat there watching the blood flow down my arm ignoring the rest of the world as it slowly grew the slightest bit hazier by the minute. Suddenly a song I heard once broke through my trance, it matched my situation quite well. I couldn't help but hum the tune with a rueful smile over time slowly starting to mumble the lyrics.
"If I wasn't here tomorrow, would anybody care? If my time was up I'd wanna know you were happy I was there. If I wasn't here tomorrow, would anyone lose sleep? If I wasn't hard and hollow, then maybe you would miss me. I know I'm a mess and I wanna be someone, someone that I like better. I can never forget, so don't remind me about forever." I sang, slowly growing louder as I came to the chorus with fresh tears dripping from my cheeks and speckling the ground along with my blood. "W-what if I had just pulled m-m-myself together, would i-it matter at all? What I j-just tried not to remem-member, would it matter at all? All t-the chances that have passed me by, would it matter i-if I gave it one more t-try? Would it matter at a-all?" I started to choke up, breath stuttering and body freezing as if I was laying in a pile of ice or a mountain of snow. Smile still present, with the new motivation I pushed myself slowly to my feet. I may be done with them, but I still want to see those that I called family for the past twelve years one last time even if it was the smallest of glimpses.
"If I w-wasn't here tomorrow, would anybody care? Still stuck inside this sorrow, I got nothin' and going nowhere. I know I'm a mess and I wanna be someone, someone that I like better." I sang, wobbling as I gripped my wrist to lighten the blood flow while heading towards what was my home for the last twelve years. "I can never forget, so don't remind me about forever... What if I had just pulled myself together, would it matter at all? What if I had just tried not to remember, would it matter at all? All the chances that have passed me by, would it matter if I gave it one more try? Would it matter at all?" I continued with the turn starting to chuckling lightly during the chorus, still stumbling through the underbrush while slowly voice started to grow louder as I neared the beach where the Moby had been docked near.
"I know I'm a mess and I wanna be someone, someone that I like better... Can you help me forget, I don't wanna feel like this forever... FOREVER!" I had stopped finally at the edge of the woods and stared upon the familiar scenes that lay before me. Partying and drinking, laughter everywhere and everyone celebrating one thing or another. Even those who I had been walking with previously were there, did they ever notice I split up from them?
"What if I had just pulled myself together, would it matter at all? What if I had just tried not to remember, would it matter at all?" I was back to whispering, glancing down I slowly released my wrist and allowed the blood to drip freely once more. With sad eyes, I soon turned my back, the whisper of a goodbye on my lips as I walked away from those who I had considered the closest thing to family I could get.
"All the chances that have passed me by, would it matter if I have it one more try?!" finally I dubbed myself far enough, the tears had returned and I once again screamed out my frustration. "If I left tomorrow would anybody care?! Stuck in this sorrow, going nowhere! All the chances that have passed me by, would it matter if I gave it one more try?! Would it matter at all..." I ended with a whimper, falling to my knees and ignoring the numbness that had completely taken over my being. It was over, no one cared so it didn't matter.
"No... NO!" was the last thing I heard before darkness engulfed my, the voice fuzzy and unfamiliar. But I knew it had to of been one of my friends, who knows, maybe I did matter?