It was supposed to be easy
"Do you think it'd be a good idea?"
"Of course it will, and besides, Harry'd like anything you gave him, don't worry."
Harry's nineteenth birthday was coming, along with Voldemort's death anniversary. It had already been a year since that last battle. The times of death and confusion were finally over, the Dark Lord gone forever. But to Sirius Black, who had been in suspended animation behind the veil along with some others until the Ministry had collapsed down, the torment was not over. Harry, who had saved the whole of the wizarding world, had moved to live with him in number twelve, Grimmauld Place about a month ago, when he had belatedly finished his last year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry along with his two best friends, Hermione and Ron. It's not that Harry was hard to live with, but Sirius never really having caring parents (besides the Potters, who took him in when he was sixteen), didn't really know what to do or how to behave when being around him. Sirius himself was too much of a mess to be strict and he wanted to be more a friend to Harry than a father, because he knew no matter what, that no one could ever replace James, not even in his own heart.
But the problem was that Sirius had no idea of what to give to him, as he already had almost everything any teenage wizard or muggle could want. Not that he had been spoiling Harry or anything (well, just a little), but the whole wizarding community had been sending gifts for his birthday since the previous month.
It was in the middle of a TV Shopping session (yes, the Wizarding Wireless has those too), that Hermione came to the rescue with the perfect idea, or so she thought. Sirius could make a big birthday cake for Harry! The only problem was, Sirius told her, he hadn't the foggiest about that. He had never even made as much as a sandwich!
"Not a problem," Hermione said. "I'll teach you how."
It was supposed to be easy. It was supposed to be a clean, quick work. It was supposed to be a surprise. But Sirius having the bad luck and short patience he had, managed to make it to be exactly the opposite.
Now, why was Hermione here at this time? Simple, she decided she wanted to become a writer, and, with Harry's permission, was going to write part of his life, since the moment he discovered he was a Wizard, to the downfall of Voldemort. Ron was also here as most of the story included him as well as Hermione herself. Of course that meant that hell was breaking loose in number twelve, Grimmauld Place, more because of Mrs. Black's portrait, which still hung proudly in the hall.
"Mudbloods and Blood traitors! Here, in the home of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black!" she would scream at almost anyone who would dare pass in front of her.
The manuscript was almost done, and Hermione decided that Harry had to be the first one to read it, so that would be his birthday present. Ron would just figure out what he'd give Harry this week. And Sirius… Good ol' Sirius, he had even considered buying him one of those boxes you play with, a videogame player or console or whatever it was Arthur had said was its name, but with no electricity available in most wizarding places there wasn't any use for that.
Anyway, Hermione's idea was probably the best one and more realistic, but oh! They had no idea what a mess was about to happen when they locked themselves in Sirius's kitchen that early July morning.
Ginny, who had come back from an intensive summer camp, was supposed to take Harry out for lunch or something with the excuse that she hadn't seen him in a long time, while they arranged everything else for Harry's Birthday Party. Which was supposed to be a secret. But she had forgotten her favourite hat in midway to the station, and with a quick glimpse at the clock she made sure she still had enough time to retrieve it before anyone could arrive and spoil the big plan. But just in case, she made Harry wait outside.
On her way to the stairs, she almost tripped over Ron, who was hiding just around the corner with one of the Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes Extendable Ears plugged into his ear and with his eyes wide as dinner plates.
"What on earth are you doing there Ron? I almost knock that vase over trying not to crash onto you!" Ginny gasped.
"You won't believe what I just heard Gin." he looked as though Pansy Parkinson had just belly danced for him covered in Jell-o.
"What? What is it Ron? Is everything alright?"
"I was just sitting there, you know, waiting for everyone to arrive. And I was thinking about what would it feel like to be famous, like a famous Quidditch Player or a Rock Star or –"
"Ron! To the point!" Time was tickling and Harry was still waiting outside. If this was serious they might even have to cancel his party.
"Oh, right, right." Ron continued. "I was getting hungry, so I went to get some pastries while I waited, but the door was locked and I heard weird noises inside. I didn't want Hermione to think I was spying on her –"
"But Ron, you are spying on her." She said, and pointed towards the extendable ear.
"So I went upstairs," he carried on not taking in her last sentence. "Grabbed this and rushed back down."
"Yes, and the part I won't believe was…?" Her patience was running out with each passing moment.
"I just heard Hermione say something, something very weird." His face now resembled the time when a spell had backfired onto him on his second year, when he was trying to make Malfoy spit slugs. "She said 'Ugh Sirius, you're not supposed to shove it in so hard' and with a rather whiny voice, might I add"
"Oh, c'mon Ron, they could be talking about anything."
"You think so? Don't you think maybe…" he left the question unfinished.
"Of course not, Hermione's not like that." and then she impulsively took the gadget from Ron and plugged it into her ear.
"No, no, no, that doesn't go in there." came Hermione's voice through.
Ginny's jaw dropped to ground level. It couldn't be, could it? Surely Hermione wouldn't… And Sirius! Of course not, that was a ridiculous idea! But she had heard her herself. And Harry's godfather had always praised the girl, hadn't he? But still…
"What's taking you so long Gin?" Harry's voice came from the hall as low as he could to avoid disturbing Mrs. Black's portrait.
Ron and Ginny were still plastered to the wall across the corridor, with the extendable ear hanging from her slender hand. Their faces a mixture of utter disbelief, wonder, surprise and… was that horror coming from Ron?
"Are we going for lunch or what? I'm hungry." neither Ron nor Ginny had changed their expressions or in any way acknowledge his presence.
"You wouldn't want to go in there for a snack," his best friend pointed towards the kitchen. "There's something really bizarre going on in there."
"Whatcha talking about? Let's go, before we spoil my surprise party and Sirius gets all depressed over it." now they did look at him.
"You knew?" both asked at the same time.
"Of course I did, you guys are the worst secret keepers ever, and you're ever so predictable." He finished as he pulled Ginny up and started heading to the front door with her. "Now let's go, people will be here in any moment now."
"But –" Ginny protested. "Wait! Hermione, and Sirius"
"What 'bout them?"
"They uhm… well I was just sitting there, waiting for everyone to arrive –" Ron started over, but Ginny elbowed him to make him go to the point. "Well… There might be going on something really odd. We heard weird noises coming from in there." he finished and pointed towards the kitchen.
"Weird things? What kind of weird things? The kind where someone-sets-loose-a-handful-of-pixies-kind-of-weird-things?"
Between Ron and Ginny tried to explain what they had both heard, but they kept interrupting each other so much, Harry wasn't sure he had understood too well what they were saying. Hermione and Sirius? Yeah, right! And then he started laughing so hard he woke up Mrs. Black. And from that point on, hell broke loose in number twelve, Grimmauld place.
Mrs. Black started yelling at them until, in between lines she had started to understand what they were discussing about. Then she kept yelling at them, yelling at Sirius, yelling at the mudblood who dared approach a Black, a cast away, but still a Black. Then at Mrs. Weasley, who had just entered followed by the rest of the Weasleys. Then at Neville, who almost made a sticker of himself on the wall opposite the portrait with the shock, at Luna, who vaguely cast a look at her and continued her way. At Cho Chang, who ran in terror towards the rest of the crowd and some time later she yelled at Angelina Johnson and Oliver Wood, Mad-Eye Moody, Tonks, Remus, Fleur, Hagrid, Victor Krum, and even to Myrtle's ghost. And all the while one of the terrorized victims was trying to explain to the next one what was happening in the kitchen, but like the telephone game, the message got all distorted as it advanced from one person to the next.
In the end they had such a ridiculous story of Sirius and Hermione being secret passionate lovers since her third year that it was hard not to laugh. And then the Weasley twins, Fred and George had installed a new device of them that work as a megaphone on the kitchen door, only to hear yet another weird sentence coming from inside, confirming everyone's suspicion.
"See? That helps lubricate so it won't be so hard to pull it out later." Oh, but Hermione's voice said so much more than just the words by themselves. All that passion, that easiness she seemed to carry. The experience she seemed to have.
And then Mrs. Weasley couldn't seem to take it any longer and dashed towards that door of hell- ahem… the kitchen door and alohomora'd it open.
Everyone gasped at the scene, they had expected something that involved no clothes, a lot of touching and an M rating in the fic, but instead they both had all of their clothes (and even extra ones, as they had aprons on), were not even close to one another, and more importantly, the author kept the rating as K+, to everyone's relief.
"What on earth…?" Hermione called back to the bazillion people cluttered in the small area of the door frame, apparently as surprised as they were. Sirius was closing the oven door and froze in place when the door exploded inwardly, revealing his and Hermione master plan for Harry's birthday.
So they explained what they'd heard from the outside and Hermione tried her best to clear the confusion.
"What did 'ugh Sirius, you're not supposed to shove it in so hard' meant, Hermione?" Ron asked, imitating perfectly what he had described as a rather whiny voice. "Seriously Ron! Sirius had just thrown the eggs at the recipient containing the mixture for the cake."
"And what about the time when you said 'No, no, no, that doesn't go in there.'?" It was Ginny's time to ask. "He put the plastic recipient inside the oven, ruining our first try, along with the recipient and oven that I had to fix." The exasperation on Hermione's voice was obvious.
"And what about the lubrication thing?" Fred and George asked at the same time. "Really people, I was just teaching him the easiest way to avoid having the mixture stick onto the recipient, we just put some butter on!" she complained. "I can't believe you, honestly."
After the misunderstanding was cleared, they all finally had a nice and fun afternoon at number twelve, Grimmauld Place, where nothing could be done the easy way, not even a chocolate cake. A chocolate cake they ate half-baked without cream or fruits on top. And Sirius did sulked about the surprise being ruined, but Harry assured him he had a great time (hinting obviously to the whole passionate lovers thing), and told him it was the greatest party he had ever had in his whole life.
"But Harry," Ron interrupted. "You've never had one before."
"Oh, shaddap Ron," Ginny said. "You'll cause the third war." Everyone laughed. Mrs. Black kept screaming in the background all the while.