Author's Note
Well, it's that time again. Though don't get any ideas; due to working on a book that evolved out of my Dissonance fan-fiction, I will likely not be updating any time soon. The only reason I decided to do this is because I was going through my possessions in preparation for my move to South Korea, and I came across something I wrote when I was a really young and really idiotic kid. By posting this as a parody – for I will be turning it into a parody – I am working towards two goals:
First and foremost, I am trying to get across the idea that everybody starts out a crappy writer if they have no experience. While I'm no paragon of the novelist group, I do consider myself a good writer (being a good author is pending), and when I look back at how terribly I wrote back then, I realize the whys and wherefores. So my first goal is this: to let the people who are not strong writers right now know that there's nothing stopping you from becoming a strong writer. You'll understand what I mean when you read this tripe that I'm about to post. Just because somebody says you have no talent and can't write to save a pencil doesn't mean that you can't learn the skill, or that the talent is not dormant somewhere. If you like to write, then keep writing and keep reading. Keep up to date on what your peers are doing as well; there's nothing so fun as a little friendly competition.
Secondly, I want my readers to have a bit of a laugh. Most of you can tell why this is complete and utter tripe, and if you can't once you've finished reading it, then you'll realize why as your experience in writing grows. So I'd like to share a piece of my childhood with you guys, and yeah, go ahead and laugh at it. It's funny in its crappiness, and I'll be treating it like an MST3K. My only regret is that will not allow me to show you the script that it was written in. By god that just made it so amateurish that I couldn't help but facepalm. Hard. Like Picard.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters or settings from Legend of Legaia or Golden Sun. Hera Ledro is (sadly) my own creation, though I will point out that this incarnation of him is NOTHING like my most recent one. There is some DBZ sprinkled throughout, but most of it was just 'inspired' (a.k.a. ripped without giving credit like most kids seem to want to do) as opposed to directly referenced. So yeah…please don't kill me when you read this. I accept responsibility for laughs, but heart-attacks from outright horror are not my domain. His Majesty Death is entirely responsible for that.
So without further ado…
-Legend of Legaia II: Zeto's Destruction-
Jon: Wait…does that title say "Zeto's Destruction"?
Jake: Why yes, yes it does.
Jon: …Why? Wasn't Zeto killed during the course of the game?
Hera Ledro: You're trying to make sense of a child's mind. Let's just move on.
Jon: But…but…
A long time ago, in the land known as Legaia, 8 travelers were travelling to accomplish 2 goals.
Jake: OBVIOUS ALERT! OBVIOUS ALERT! DIVE DIVE DIVE!
The 1st was to rid the world of the accursed Mist, a fog which turned monsters like Gobu-Gobu into servants for the ruthless Cor and his elite Guard, Zeto.
Jon: Umm…no, no it didn't. You just pulled that out of your ass.
Zeto was a very powerful creature. He is the one who invented the idea and reality of the Mist, so he and Cor could have many powerful slaves.
Jake: Wow, two ass-pulls in two sentences. You were on a roll, Jon!
Jon: …Shut up.
The Mist also turned the peace-loving Seru into evil monsters of destruction. The Seru lived in peaceful symbiosis with the Homo Sapiens until Zeto created the mist. The only survivors are: Vahn and his Ra-Seru Meta,
Noa and her Ra-Seru Terra,
Gala and his Ra-Seru Ozma,
Isaac, Garet, Ivan, Mia,
And Hera Ledro and his Ra-Seru Meterrozma.
Hera Ledro: …What?
Jon: *cackles evilly* Suffer, me lad, suffer!
Hera Ledro: I am so going to kill you later.
The 2nd goal was to steal back the Elemental Stars of Fire, Earth, Air/Wind, Water, and Electricity.
Jake: Another ass-pull! I don't remember Electricity being…*GASP* You're doing a crossover!
Jon: I KNOW!
Jake: ABANDON SHIP! ABANDON SHIP! *tries to run away*
Jon: *pulls him back into his seat* Oh no, you're going through this with us. Suffer, child, suffer!
If they didn't, the world would be destroyed.
Jake: Considering the world we're establishing…not a bad thing.
-Zeto's Destruction-
Jon: Wait…it's just starting now!
Jake: Well yeah, didn't you see the little Introduction subtitle?
Hera Ledro: And I thought Tysorai was blind…
Jon: *weeps*
On the way back to Vale, we had a few encounters with a few very strange monsters.
Jake: And a few words used a few times too often.
A Gobu-Gobu stole my brother Vahn's Astral Sword, one of our most powerful weapons. By the way, my name is Hera Ledro;
Hera Ledro: WHAAAAAAT?
My 1st brother and his companion's names are: Vahn, Noa, and Gala. My 2nd brother's name and his companion's are: Isaac, Garet, Ivan, and Mia.
Hera Ledro: …You will die. A slow and painful death.
Jake: Yeah, not only did he fuck you up, but he couldn't even tell the difference between companions' and companion's. Possessive versus quantitative, you dumbass! And what the hell is with the colons?
Jon: *weeps even more strongly*
On our way to fight the Gobu-Gobu, we found the Astral Sword, lying on the ground.
Jake: As well as a few commas, in places where commas, should not be. SHATNER!
As soon as we went to pick it up, we fell into a hole along with the Astral Sword.
"Stand back!" I cried to my companions. I blasted a hole through the wall by shooting an electric blast at the wall, smashing it to smithereens.
Jake: Wait…if you had blasted a wall in a hole with electricity…wouldn't it have discharged into the ground and left no mark?
Jon: This is magic, bitch. Stop trying to make sense of it.
Hera Ledro: I DO NOT USE MAGIC! IT'S ELEMENTAL KINESIS!
Jon: Whatever. It's magic.
Hera Ledro: !
"Nice shot", Garet complimented me.
" I could have done worse", I replied. "It's just that I need not have used too much energy, that's if what I think is coming up, is coming up."
Jake: A commercial break at last?
Jon: No such luck, I'm afraid. Probably just more improperly placed spaces between a quotation mark and the start of a sentence WHAT THE FUCK WAS WRONG WITH ME?
Hera Ledro: *breaks down crying at the Mary Sueness of his old self*
We ran through the tunnel I created, into some underground complex. We each took our weapons out. Mine was the Destructo Sword and Ultimate Shield; Vahn's was the Astral Sword; Noa's was the Feral Claw; Gala's the Thunder Mace; Isaac's was the Gaia Blade; Garet's was the Silver Blade; Ivan's was the Crystal Rod; and Mia's was the Righteous Mace.
Jake: Jebus that's a lot of shit in one sentence. I'd be more pissed if the semi-colons hadn't actually been used semi-properly.
Jon: *abhorred* Destructo Sword and Ultimate Shield?
Hera Ledro: Slow…painful…death…
"Your weapon's will be useless against me!" a booming voice exclaimed.
Jake: Weapon's? Their weapon's what? I didn't know weapons could own stuff, did you?
"I have completed my training and will destroy you!"
Jon: So THAT'S where he went; we didn't kill him in the game, he just disappeared and trained. It all makes sense now.
"Bring it on, Zeto, I'm ready", I yelled back.
Hera Ledro: I DO NOT TALK LIKE THAT!
"Good guess", Zeto replied. "But knowing me won't save you anymore."
Right before our very eyes Zeto appeared, and was more hideous than ever. He was a giant, ugly, black crab.
Jake: Your mom has giant ugly black crabs! HAH!
The battle began!
Jon: Quickly! Misplaced commas, take the right! Possessives, overwhelm the quantitatives and come at him from the left! VICTORY SHALL BE OURS!
Our weapons clashed on Zeto's pincers, giving him small cuts and gashes.
Jake: …On a crab? I thought chitin was hard as a rock…It either breaks or breaks you.
"Righteous Smog!" Mia cried.
"Drown!" Ivan exclaimed.
"Aqua Soak!" Garet yelled.
"Gaia Crush!" Isaac shouted.
Jon: …What have I done? I just committed one of the cardinal sins of writing: KEEP IT SIMPLE SHITHEAD!
None of these harmed him so that he actually stepped back.
Jake: God, now we're bringing game mechanics into this? Can't they have just pinned him to the spot?
Instead, he absorbed it and knocked them unconscious by sending back his Big Wave, his most powerful attack!
Jake: The gamer in my soul just died a horrible, painful death.
"Thunder Crash!" Gala cried.
"Feral Wind Slash!" Noa screamed.
"Astral Slash!" Vahn exclaimed.
Jon: *weeps* Not again…it's just too much…
These weakened him to the point where I could destroy him once, and for all.
Jake: Nyeeeeeeehhhh, phrasal dissection with a comma! Critical hit!
"Ultimate Destruction!" I exclaimed. My attack cut him in half as he screamed "Nooooooooooo!" in horror.
Jake: Is it almost over?
"We shall move on as soon as the others wake up", I announced. Everyone agreed. We were on our way to adventure again.
Jake: AGAIN? PLEASE tell me you didn't continue this…
Jon: No, I didn't. Praise be the gods.
Jake: Hey…*looks around* Where's gramps?
Hera Ledro: *laying in the fetal position in a corner*
Jake: Um…let's just leave him to get better then…