...Raise your hand if you're mad at K.J. *Raises hand*. Yes, I'm mad at myself. I promised you guys I'd be writing more, but I've actually been writing less. Well, that's not true. I haven't been POSTING, but I have been writing. Hence the new FF. I'm so sorry I haven't been posting and I'm not going to give ya'll a bullshit story about how I've been in school and blah blah blah. While that IS true, the real reason I've been kind of absent is that little pest we call Writer's Block. If any of you have any ideas for either The Bartener or Sing for the Moments, please PLEASE let me know!

I've also started doing volunteer work and a lot of other after school things and I REALLY am truly sorry for not posting. I also live in a REALLY small town and basically, we do events for EVERYTHING... Seriously. But like I said, I've barely had time to see my FAMILY, let alone post.

While I REALLY love writing Fanfictions for all of you, I need time for myself. And I don't mean to sound selfish, but I need time to relax and spend time on myself, and I RARELY get time to do that. But enough with my apologizing and complaining, onto the new Fanfiction!

P.S. I think I'm going to delete some of my older FFs from my profile, simply because they're not well written at all. Sorry if you love some of my older fanfictions but I really think I'm gonna do that.

Anyway, I love you all and hope you still love me!

xoxo,

K.J

Shallow Secrets

Chapter One

Although I've been out of school for quite a few years now, I'm still haunted with the memories those narrow corridors and secret alcoves hold. Silent meetings and stolen kisses hidden by tapestries swimming through my brain.

In twenty years, thirty years, and even to my death I'll never forget those moments. I'll hold onto them for dear life, my mental fingers scraping at them, clutching them to me in hopes that they'll never leave.

I'll never let myself forget them. I couldn't. Not even if I wanted to... And I don't.

He meant everything to me for all those years. He means everything to me now. His silky blonde hair that he spends far too much time on in the morning and his stormy gray eyes that very few have seen the broken man that hides behind. He's perfect.

He will always be my 'one'... But he can't be my only. He isn't my only. She is supposed to be my one and only—my forever&always. My 'until death do we part'. But she's not. She doesn't give me what I need. I love her. But I am not in love with her. I couldn't be if I tried.

I did what I was meant to do by marrying her and giving her babies. I am thirty-nine and have three children with a woman. A woman completely oblivious to the nights I lie awake fantasizing about him. She doesn't see that whenever our son mentions his son, the light in my eyes fades, turning me into a dark creature, intent on seeing him.

I can't see him often. Once a month if I'm lucky. But we talk regularly—sometimes for hours. He always asks when I will tell my wife about him... I've never given him an answer. I don't know when I will tell her. His wife knows and she is supportive of our relationship—overly so. She wants us to tell our families and children. But I can't. I'm supposed to be the Boy Hero. The one who saved the Wizarding World and settled down and created heirs—not the secretly gay, unhappy man I am today.

He accentuates the good in me and helps me with the bad. He gives me life. He always has. Ever since fourth year.

Draco Lucius Malfoy was, is and always will be the man that holds my heart in the palms of his hands. And he knows just how to tug those strings.

"Harry! Please come inside, its freezing out here!" Ginny begs from behind me, rubbing her arms to keep her warm in the frigid December air.

Ginny stands behind me, clad in her pale blue flannel pajamas and fuzzy pink robe, pleading to get me back inside.

I can't go back in there. I can't sit around the Christmas tree, watching my family sing festive songs and drink eggnog while all I want is to be with him.

The holidays have become more of a requirement than the Norman Rockwell Christmases I imagined having when I was young. I long to have Draco in my arms, watching as our kids tear the shiny paper off of their presents, basking in the grace of the Lord. The Weasleys, Potters and Malfoys all being together for the celebrations would be ideal.

It's a dream. And unfortunately, that's all it would ever be.

"Harry James Potter! Come inside this instant!" Ginny orders, stomping her foot like Lily used to when she was young.

I whip my head around and soften the look on my face from resentment and anger to a fake smile and walk silently back inside where Ginny closes the door behind her, looking over to the family she adored.

"Mom! Dad! Come look at what Auntie Luna gave me!" Lily shrieks, jumping up from her spot on the carpet next to her brothers.

The tiny redhead dances over to us, waving Luna's old lion head costume as high above her as she can, a pearly white smile gracing her face.

"That's nice, honey," I say, unamused, checking my mobile for the hundredth time that night, wishing for even a text message from Draco.

Lily's face falls as she realizes that I'm uninterested with her newly acquired Christmas present.

"Harry, darling, can I speak to you in private?" Ginny asks, taking note of my lack of care toward my daughter.

I nod, emotionless.

Ginny and I head into the kitchen, out of earshot from the rest of the family before she mumbles, "Harry, what's the matter with you recently? You've not a care in the world for your children... Or your wife. You hardly even look at me anymore. Harry, tell me if I've done something to make you upset with me. I miss the old you."

I sigh, rubbing my temples with my thumb and forefinger.

"Gin, please, don't do this now. I'm going out. I'll be home later."

With that, I turn away from her and continue on my way outside, ignoring Albus' call of, "Where are you going, Dad?" as I did.

As soon as I get to an appropriate apparating point, I apparate to the newly renovated Malfoy Manor and knock almost inaudibly on the massive front door.

After about a minute, Astoria answers, smiling brightly, a champagne flute in hand.

"Harry!" she cheers, grabbing me by the arm and pulling me into the foyer with her. "You're just in time to see Scorpius try out his new Nimbus. Although, I don't think that's exactly why you're here."

I laugh—genuinely laugh—and give her a crooked smile.

"I'll go get him for you," Astoria winks, bouncing off toward the backyard Quidditch pitch where Draco must be.

Minutes later, she returns with her blonde husband trailing behind her, a look of adoration being sent my way, forcing a smile onto my face.

"Love..." Draco whispers, sidestepping Astoria so he could place his hands on my sides and press his soft lips to my forehead.

"Well, I'll just leave you two to it. Draco, I told Score that you had a visitor and that you wouldn't be long—so don't be long," Astoria orders, turning toward me before saying, "Oh, and Harry dear, stay as long as you like."

Draco and I nod in acknowledgment and begin walking through the Labyrinth of hallways until descending upon Draco and Astoria's master bedroom.

Draco kicks his shoes off and lays them neatly next to the bedroom door and sits down on a plush chair to the right of his bed, near a desk. I follow suit, toeing my shoes off and situating myself on his lap.

"Oh, Draco, it's been much too long since I've seen you," I whisper, an intense sadness that only Draco could take away filling me from head to toe.

"I know, my love. It's hard, though, because we have families. We have wives, Harry. We aren't teenagers anymore. We set our stage years ago, and we can't change it now."

Draco draws gentle patterns on my legs with his fingers as we sit, only the moonlight illuminating the bedroom.

"But I wish we could. Draco, I love you. And I want to see you when I wake up in the morning, and I want to kiss you goodnight. I can't do that if we see each other once a month—at most."

"All it would take would be for you to tell Ginny and the kids, and I'm yours. All yours."

Draco nuzzles his nose against my neck before kissing that same spot gently.

"I wish I could. Ginny would take the kids from me. I love my kids—I couldn't lose them. Astoria and Scorpius are different then Ginny and my children. Astoria accepts our relationship, and Scorpius would too if you would tell him. Ginny would make sure I never saw my kids again," I frown, creating creases on my forehead, giving away my age.

"She could try. But that wouldn't be in the best interest of your kids. James and Al especially. They need their father. She could try to do that, but she wouldn't be able to—not by the Ministry's ruling anyway," Draco reasons, using two of his fingers to turn my head so I was looking at him before he presses his lips to mine.

The kiss doesn't go far. We pull back, a small click resounding throughout the room as our lips part.

"Draco, I want to tell Ginny, and I want to tell her soon. Do you think Astoria would have any ideas on how or when I should?"

"Of course she will. She's a woman, she understands."

Draco laughs, stretching his neck up like a giraffe to kiss my collarbone. I love when he does that. It's always been a sensitive spot for me and Draco knows that. He knows what he's doing. Of course he does—he's a Malfoy, and they definitely know what they do to people—good or bad.

"Well, then when I'm done with you, I'll ask her," I wink, standing up from Draco's lap, yanking him up by his shirt and pulling him tightly against me.

The man in front of me smiles—oh, how I love his smile—and leans down to kiss me again.

We don't get too far before I remember Astoria telling her husband to be quick because of Scorpius and we head toward the Malfoy's at-home Quidditch pitch.

Scorpius waits with his mother, new broom in hand, smiling like a kid should.

His eyes light up immensely when his father steps outside, the same look stays in place when I appear alongside him.

"Mr. Potter!" Scorpius cheers, almost letting his broom fall before catching it.

"Scorpius, we go through this every time I'm here. Please, call me Harry," I laugh, ruffling his blonde hair that he inherited from his father.

I may not be at the Malfoy Manor often, but Scorpius always knows when I'm over—when he's not away at school, that is. However, he doesn't know why I'm at his house when I am—He doesn't know the feelings I have for his father. He doesn't know that I am, and always will be madly in love with the man before us.

"Right, sorry, M—Harry," Scorpius apologizes, giving me a shy smile before turning to his father. "Dad! Can I try out my new broom now?"

"Of course, Score. Let's get on with it!" Draco replies, grinning down at his son, running off to a clear spot to kick off, leaving Astoria and I to talk.

I take a small step toward her and with a shy smile begin, "Astoria?"

"Yes, Harry?"

"Can I talk to you?"

"Of course," she smiles.

"Well, I was talking to Draco while we were upstairs, and I was hoping you could give me a few pointers on how I should tell Ginny. I want to tell her now—she deserves it," I tell her, scratching the back of my neck nervously.

"Oh, Harry! That's wonderful!" Astoria clapped her hands together, her brunette hair bouncing on her decollete. "I cannot promise that Ginevra will be as accepting as I am. Draco is my best friend—he was never really my husband, as he told me about you before we were married. I appreciated Draco telling me that he was with you, and because we both wanted to be parents, we decided to marry and stay together. I love Scorpius more than life, and I know Draco does too... But Draco loves someone else too—you."

I smile to myself and bite my lower lip, slightly embarrassed by the laugh Astoria lets out.

"Don't be embarrassed, Harry. Draco is a wonderful man and an exceptional father to Score. You two deserve to be happy—and happy together. And you will be."

I nod, thinking hard about everything she's saying, blowing a piece of unruly hair out of my face.

"As for telling your wife, I would say wait until your children are back at school so she has time to think about what you're telling her. And seeing as all students are required to be back at school in three days, that should be soon. This way, while they're away, she couldn't threaten to leave and take them with her. However, you then face telling your children when they come home again in the Spring. Though, that's not for a while, so you have time," Astoria advises, watching as Draco and Scorpius fly around together, Draco giving his son pointers wherever he could.

I nod again, listening intently, thankful to have a woman's advice.

"How you word your confession and to what extent as far as details go you are willing to share, you have to decide yourself, but other than that, I think that's all. I hope I helped."

"Astoria, you did more than help. I just hope that this will end in the best case scenario, rather than the worst."

So what'd ya think?

Please review!

xoxo,

K.J