Welcome to Clouds of Silver Linings! This story has been a pest to me for the past year or so and I have finally given in and have decided to come back to it and rework some of the chapters and perhaps, actually finish it!
I do not own Harry Potter or any of its wonderful characters, they belong to J.K Rowling!
Without further ado, please enjoy!
X-x-X
Chapter 1: I'm a pessimist
Ever felt so low that you could literally curl up in a ball and wish for death? Ever been so bored that you could eat yourself? Ever hated yourself that you cannot stand the sight of your own reflection? Ever wondered why you bother rising every morning, since every day just brings more trails with it?
No? Well, welcome to my life.
My name is Amethyst Thorn and I am considered many things; an outcast; an attention seeker and cold. I do not care for the simple things in life, I do not care for most humans and I really do not care for myself. I live my life a day at a time, perhaps wishing it was my last. Some days are better than others, bearable, while others leave me depleted and broken. Somehow I survive and try again, but…for what?
It is an odd concept that even in my depression and self-loathing; I still belong to the 'popular group', in which everyone who is nobody wants to reside. I usually stay in the group for it is easier than surviving outside the tight group of gossiping crows and at least most people avoid me. I suppose it is just superstition and common knowledge that keeps many students away from me and for that I am happy.
I should have been out of the popular group ages ago, but no one dare try and 'break' me – the term for ruining someone's reputation by spreading malicious lies…which sometimes might be the truth or hold an ounce of truth. However, no one has…yet. Yes, two have tried and those two failed, much to my pleasure.
I'm cold. I'm heartless. I'm everything you avoid. I'm the plague. I'm the curse. I'm everything you hate. Yet, people seem to flock around me like vultures to a rotting corpse, much to my displeasure. When you hate yourself, you'd hate people considering you 'beautiful' and 'smart'. I'm negative, they're positive; they try to make me neutral and yet they realise far too late that I sap their energy and leave them like a walking and breathing corpse.
Relationships – the perfect way to tear your own heart out or shred it to tiny strips. Therefore, why would I even bother with one, when I myself am an inch from committing my own death sentence? I've never seen one relationship that has been happy, sure they last, but they aren't without their troubles. I'm for a simple, effortless life, not one of reunions and love – pah!
No, I do not take pleasure in others pain. I do not go out of my way to harm others, for I know from personal experience that pain is not an enjoyable experience, it is something to be evaded. Although, I'm not one for small talk and when someone sets themself up, I only take the incentive and opportunity. I cannot help who I am. Or perhaps I can, but I see no reason to change.
I know I do not deserve life and yet, that is where existence is so cruel. It will keep someone contemptible such as I alive and kill innocent, happy people who have a future. No irony there then.
My life is not perfect. I probably do have some slightly valid reasons for some of the depression I suffer from, but then again, some could consider it my fault.
My father is a Death Eater, which isn't exactly the most respected line of work. My mother is a doormat who fell in love with a man who is colder than I, with a mind like a slice of ice. She probably fell out of love with him quickly, but is either too stupid or scared to leave him, plus, he gives her enough possessions and money to keep her sweet. She's hardly unintelligent, rather sly and cunning, with the pretty face and golden tresses to pull it off. My mother and father deserve one another.
My sister, Ebony, is hardly my best friend, more like silent enemy. We bare one another's company to an extent. She's more fire as I am ice, her temper flickers and flares, burning brightly behind her envious green eyes. She has a sharp tongue, spitting words which could slice you apart like a double bladed sword. She's slim and seductive; she knows of her charm and uses it much to her advantage, much like my mother.
My family barely talk to me. I suppose the major reason is that I was sorted into Ravenclaw, while they were all Slytherin's. My sister was sorted a year after me, too placing in the home of the serpent, which pleased my parents, especially my father who was above the clouds that finally one of his children had fulfilled one of his expectations.
Being a Pureblood also comes with a 'lifestyle' which I have little love for. Pureblood life is so interesting that they get married either in their last year of school or straight after education, and then proceed to having children, usually two. Then they spend the next fifteen years 'rearing' their offspring in hopes of a grand wedding to someone in high power with a fortune and name status.
My father is deluded and has high hopes that I will marry someone in the Black family – either Sirius or his equally annoying younger brother, Regulus. I hardly know either of them; though I have heard that they are quite charming and handsome, though they do have the tendency to sleep with anything with legs and their longest standing relationship is probably about a week, perhaps two.
No, I might be cold and heartless, but I'm no player. When I was younger, I use to sit at my window and wish for my knight to come for me, but he never did and slowly I lost faith in this until I eventually stopped searching for him because he did not exist and he still doesn't.
Marrying Sirius and Regulus would be both the curse and the cure. I would know they would cheat on me at any opportunity, but I would be settled with them, knowing that even in a loveless marriage, I would have a meaning. Plus, to the outside world, I would have found 'love'.
I'm neither ugly nor beautiful. I have bright, icy blue eyes, ivory white skin and long, black hair. I probably look like the portrayed version of Death. I suppose it suites me, in character.
So, as I am now introduced, welcome to my endearing life and please do enjoy your stay.
"Miss Thorn, are you listening to me?" snapped an irritated, clipped tone.
I peered up dully, noticing the red tint to my professor's normally pasty cheeks. Her thin lips were practically none existent, whilst her hawk-like eyes narrowed dangerously.
I shrugged nonchalantly "Something about NEWTs?" I asked dully, raising a critical eyebrow.
Professor McGonagall appeared to be hardly impressed with my lack of attention and interest. NEWTs were a big thing, I understood that, but with my parents, even if I received 'O' in all my NEWTs, they would not allow me to work. I was to marry, not work. The whole purpose of women was to breed and carry on the pureblood line, not to work.
Like I stated, my family, like most pureblood families, are backwards.
"Next time, Miss Thorn, I would appreciate it if you would pay a little more attention to this lesson" my teacher barked, turning away from me and striding to the front of the classroom. No wonder her Animagus form was a cat, she literally stalked.
A couple of students chanced a chuckle, but I quickly shot them down with the deathly glare of mine and they instantly fell quiet. Well, apart from Sirius Black, who continued to laugh, louder than before. He winked whilst I rolled my eyes; the boy was nothing more than a nuisance and an embarrassment to nature.
"Black, what is so funny?" snarled McGonagall, once again portraying her cat-like personality.
At least I wasn't the only one who had to endure the old bats wrath.
Sirius didn't even have the decency to fall quiet, instead he talked animatedly about how I reminded him of a woodlouse – believe me, I have no idea how – and my personality was as cold as the Antarctic. I took this as a compliment, but zoned out after that. Although I wasn't in Black's House, I still had to deal with him on a day-to-day basis, since he was in most of my lessons, having somehow achieved good enough grades.
I peered up after a while, noticing that Black was still droning on and surprisingly, McGonagall had not screamed the castle down for him to hush. Instead, I noticed she was seated, looking quite forlorn. The old women looked defeated.
It was strange seeing the feisty old women looking so fragile and I wondered why. That was until she looked at me. It wasn't that her gaze was furious or shooting daggers at me, it was pitying and calculating. I didn't like sympathy, especially when on a rare occurrence, it is directed at me and I didn't enjoy people trying to work me out. Finally, I couldn't give a flying fuck about what Black or, for that matter; anyone had to say about me.
I narrowed my eyes considerably, but turned away from her stare, gazing out of the window instead. Beside me, Maria Hall, was muttering under her breath about how irritating and childish Black was. Although I wouldn't voice it, I had to agree.
"Black thinks he's such a ladies man" Elise (Need Surname) had turned in her chair to face our desk. Her flushed cheeks were curtained by pretty golden waves, eyes like two shimmering emeralds.
"And he's not" Maria huffed, glowering at the boy in question. If looks could kill, then Black would be six feet under by now.
Elise hinted a smile at me, cautious as always of what mood I was – whether it was moody or full on ice monster. No, I was hardly considered the brightest of people; I suppose therefore that I am classified as a 'pessimist' – better that than one of those optimists, who just try and justify wrongs and slights by looking on the 'bright side', the idiots.
Strangely enough, I felt the corners of my lips turn upwards. Great, I was actually progressing, I was smiling. That was one for the record books.
"Oy, Hall!" shouted a voice. All three of our heads turned in unison, locking eyes with Black, who was leaning back, ever so casually, in his chair.
"What?" Maria snarled.
This only made Black's grin widen "Want to come to Hogsmeade with me this weekend?"
I instantly locked my arms round Maria's shoulders, a moment before she tried to launch out of her seat at the black haired boy. Maria was known for her temper and aggression. Plus, Black was not her favourite of people since he had cheated on her with not only one, but two others girls – although, considering Black and his reputation, that wasn't too bad. However, one of the girls had been her best friend, at the time.
"Back off, Black" I hissed at him, releasing Maria when I felt she was once again in control. McGonagall didn't seem to notice the commotion, she was too preoccupied with the Longbottom boy who was hanging from the ceiling – I'd be surprised, but something strange happened to him on a daily basis, I was just glad it didn't include me.
"Oooooh" Black laughed, Potter chuckling along in unison, like the parrot he was, with Pettigrew following soon after. "Don't get your knickers in a twist, Am"
If there was one thing in this world I hated, it was the nickname 'Am'. Sure my name was stupidly long, but it was one hundred times better than the overly simple and dully small 'Am'.
However, I had a much better rein of my temper and emotions than Maria, but the room did seem to drop by several degrees. I'm not actually joking. Things do often happen around me that are just not normal – even for the Wizarding world.
"When are you planning on growing up, Black?" I asked voice was brittle as a thorn. "Or do you just rely on your boyfriends?"
I smiled coldly at him, allowing my words to penetrate through his thick skull. After several seconds, his mouth twisted into a thin line, eyebrows knotting together.
"Perhaps when you stop being such a bitch, Thorn" Black replied with his usual arrogant smirk pasted on his lips.
My lips had already begun to open, a tirade of black curses ready to stream out, but unfortunately, McGonagall had managed to right Longbottom (at least for now) and had overheard our little commotion.
"I will not tolerate that sort of language in my classroom, Mr Black, as punishment, Gryffindor will lose ten points" the wizened witch stated, her face set in a stern mask as she addressed the dunderhead. "Now everyone turn to page three hundred and fifty two and read the first two paragraphs – and that is without speaking, Mr Potter!"
Transfiguration finally came to a dull end. McGonagall was quick to release us, seeming all too happy that the morning was over. Double Transfiguration on a Monday practically killed me each week, but somehow I survived.
Maria tagged along with me as I walked to the grounds to enjoy break. Elise had said something about meeting up with the 'others', but I had hardly paid any attention. I didn't crave company, it seemed to desire me.
"Thanks Amethyst" Maria said, almost inaudibly.
I spun, surprised. Maria was like a twin to me sometimes with how similar our traits were, yet how different we were at the same time. I wouldn't admit it verbally, but Maria was a true friend to me, even with her faults.
Maria wasn't one to voice congratulations or thank someone for helping her. She would appreciate it, but would only give you a curt nod of the head or a hint of a smile.
I quickly wiped the astonishment off my features, displaying the normal passive, unfazed look.
"You're…you're welcome" I stuttered, flabbergasted by my own actions. Hmm, maybe something was in the air?
She grinned, chocolate brown eyes alive for a moment. Her grin was infectious and I soon found I was smiling too… Seriously, there had to be something in the air.
"Well isn't this a sight?" drawled a voice behind me. "Maria Hall is actually smiling. What happened, somebody die?"
I spun on my heel, pulling my wand out at the same moment. My features were hard and frozen once more as I faced Black, how I was really becoming irked by him.
"What the hell is it to you, Black?" I retorted quickly, bracing myself. "Don't you have some petty little pranks to play or something?"
Black looked from my wand to me, calculating. He didn't seem to dare reach for him own, which made me smile coolly. Oh how I would love to wipe the floor with the bastard, now that would make my week.
Beside Black stood Potter, behind him Pettigrew – the little rat faced boy had a sort of perverted glint in his beady eyes as he stared at me. I don't know why, but a shiver of unease danced along my spine.
Lupin was stood a little away from the group. He was probably the only decent one out of the four; I respected him for his intelligence and humour, but disliked him for his choice in friends and that he never stood up to them, he was too quiet. He should, however, have been sorted into Ravenclaw like me, where he could have excelled and placed his brainpower into something productive, instead of petty pranks and games.
"Actually, I wanted to speak with you" Black replied, eyes still darting to my wand and my face. "Though I wanted to catch in you a good mood, but I fear I might be waiting a century or two"
I stared him down "My mood always deteriorates when your around" I muttered. "So whatever you have to say will just have to wait, because I'm not wasting another moment on my life on you"
With that, I turned graciously on my heel and strode away. I know it was stupid turning my back on foes, but I knew enough about Gryffindor's and their overly inflated pride, that they would not attack a foe whilst his back was turned…unless of course, he was a Slytherin.
Without a word, Maria followed after me.
I would never compare or consider her a lap dog, never; she had far too much independence. Instead, she was a faithful friend; sly, she knew who to respect and what she could get away with, with separate people. She probably knew I wouldn't care if she stayed there or followed me, though she came with me out of companionship.
Once outside, I felt most of my stress fade. The soft, yet brittle breeze stirred the blades of lush green grass like rough fingers through hair. The Forbidden Forest looked as unearthly as usual, though perhaps more foreboding in the late autumn sun.
The cold didn't seem to penetrate me as it did everyone else. I stood without my scarf wrapped tightly round my neck, I didn't rub my hands together to cause some sort of friction or blow on them to warm them. It was a comfortable temperature, though I still preferred winter, especially when snow blanketed my surroundings, creating an untarnished, frozen, white expanse. To me, it was peaceful. I detested summer; it was far too warm with far too many bees and wasps and other creatures with unnecessary stings and teeth.
"Aren't you cold?" Elise's friend asked, looking as though she was about to offer me her Hufflepuff yellow scarf.
It really was a stupid question. Everyone in our tight knit group stared at her in horror. By that question, I could tell she was either a new member or didn't really pay as close attention as the rest. I wasn't concerned by her, but the rest seemed to be.
I shook my head casually "No. I like the cold" was my only reply to the girl.
The girls' eyebrows rose, though it seemed to be a natural reaction and even if it wasn't, I couldn't blame the girl. Who in their right mind liked the cold?
"This is Catherin" Elise quickly introduced the new girl, breaking the uneasy atmosphere which was slowly clouding the group. "You met her last year-"
"Oh, yes, she was the one wearing the lemon costume to the Halloween Ball" announced an overly joyful tone, with a nasty prickle to it. "It was very flattering on you"
Alison Arana Kendal. Those words would send anyone into either a daze or make them quiver with horror. She was beautiful; she had the exterior that could pass for an angel, a halo of silver blonde hair with sparkling blue eyes and lush red lips. Her body was all curves in all the right places with long, elegant legs. She was the image of perfect…until she opened her mouth.
Alison – well, Ali to her 'friends' – had the voice of a drowning cat. Imagine the screeching sound as water filled its lungs? Well, that's the wonderful sound of Ali speaking and well, I guess you can imagine what her screaming and laughing is like. Nobody is perfect, but really, the girl has such a bitchy personality and she couldn't keep a secret – apart from about herself – for more than ten minutes and is known as the 'Queen bed-warmer' for a reason.
No, Ali really doesn't have any real friends. There's no one she can rely on if she was ever in a serious predicament. Ali keeps everything about herself tightly locked up inside and for good reason too. With the amount of people she's hurt and broken, there's a hoard of people who would love to do the same or worse to her.
I see through Ali's pathetic walls. She hurts inside. She hates men because of her first relationship – if you can call it that? – Where she put true faith in one man and he cheated on her. She now has a theory that every man/boy is the same and should be treated with little or no respect. However, due to the way she treats those she dates, I often ponder whether something worse happened to her, something that had hurt her physically and mentally as well as emotionally.
I don't agree with Ali and I've voiced it many times, but we reached mutual ground or rather, it falls on death ears. She can be the person she wants to be, she can play whoever she likes, but if she tries to break me, she'll never see what hit her.
I would not class us as friends. We abide one another because without one of us, there wouldn't be any 'us'. Ali's useful for gossip, she knows what's happening and where. Not that I'm interested, but sometimes it's valuable to be in touch with the what's now.
Catherin, meanwhile, was far from Alison. I could see from the wicked gleam in Ali's eyes that she planned on de-crowning this girl and cruelly. I did feel sympathetic for the girl; she looked innocent and sweet, like Elise. Her hair was bouncy and a deep brown, matching her mahogany eyes and coloured cheeks. A scattering of innocent freckles trickled from under her eyes to the bridge of her nose. The girl looked as though she had just stepped out of her house for the first time and thought of the world as sunshine and daisies.
I gazed at Elise for a moment, considering. It was foolish of the sweet natured girl to bring someone so innocent and kind into the group. Her appearance didn't match; she was a late developer and had a long way to go. Even in the subtlest ways she was young, her knee length skirt, her full buttoned blouse and most blatantly, the freckles and lack of make-up...
"It wasn't a lemon" Catherin replied. No note of sourness, no retort, not even cynical. "It was kiwi"
Ali gave an exaggerated nod of 'interest' "Oh, I'm so sorry Katy"
I concealed my wince, noticing that even Elise cowered from Ali's tone. It was already starting, the simple sarcasm and getting the name purposefully wrong just to demean the girl.
"Ali, her name's Catherin" Elise muttered, narrowing her naturally wide eyes a little. "Be nice" she added in an undertone, so only I and Ali heard.
Ali met my gaze. Hers was steely, I think she thought I would try to stop her from breaking Catherin, but I didn't offer an argument. It was up to Elise to save her friend, not me. The only person I would save was myself.
The right hand side of Ali's mouth upturned. She was pleased. Strange what could pleasure some people. It displayed what type of world we live in, quite awful if you think too deeply, so sometimes it's more prudent not to think at all…
It was one of those days that passed far too slowly. The only entertaining thing that happened was Longbottom getting stuck in the shrinking cabinet with a little help from me, cough, cough.
I am sorry, but Black and Ali had both helped my foul mood to form, coupled with my dull lessons…well, let's just say that I had to do something to make my day brighter!
I had also managed to cheer Maria up, by 'accidently' elbowing Pettigrew down a flight of stairs, much to the distaste of Potter. I think Potter had shouted something about Sirius wanting to talk to me, but yet again, I ignored it. It shocked me at how easy it was to ignore the Marauders.
Maria, luckily, wasn't one of those girly girls. I was partly, but Maria was full tom boy. She hated skirts; that's why she and I opted for skin tight black trousers – which in my opinion were classier and sexier than school skirts. The teachers only let this pass because Maria could make one hell of a mess and a racket, but well, since I somehow became popular, most of the student body went on strike with Maria and I. Plus; I even silenced Dumbledore with my argument, so he declared that only I and Maria were the only girls allowed trousers. Then things fell back into the normal, dull routine. Anything to keep the troublemakers quiet, the ones who could actually get the masses to join a revolt.
I understand what you must be thinking. Yes, Hogwarts is so dull that I have to start an argument to get a little satisfaction, it breaks the norm…or maybe it is the norm?
Finally, the end bell sounded loudly through the school, vibrating down every dust filled corridor, shaking some century or so old grim and dirt from the roof and onto passing students.
I huffed a little, sweeping the dust from my black locks. Damn caretaker obviously didn't do his job properly or just didn't partake in any of the criteria that he was meant to fulfil; probably too busy partaking in some form of beastiality with that damn cat of his.
I hung back a moment, to allow the initial rush of students to pass before I collected my belongings and placed them into my bag. I wasn't one who opted to getting crushed, just to arrive at the common room a minute or so earlier.
"Amethyst" a voice behind me startled me. I spun; my instincts playing their part in making me draw my wand to face my opponent.
I suppose growing up with a bloodthirsty Death Eater for a father had paid a toll on me. I was jumpy and always drew my wand. It startled people.
Black rolled his misty grey eyes "Really, Thorn, if I wanted to hex you, I would have done by now"
I fought the rush of colour of my embarrassment which threatened to stain my cheeks, fixing Black with a harsh glare. However, I knew his family was also tied up with the Dark Arts and therefore, he was hardly surprised at my reaction.
"Are you stalking me?" I demanded, glancing around for his nitwit friends. Amazingly they weren't present. That was strange, very strange indeed.
He chuckled "Don't get your hopes up yet, love"
I prickled as though stung. I hated the term 'love', I found it condescending and demeaning. It always seemed to slip of Black's tongue when he spoke to particular girls, as though they were lower than him or he was superior.
"Don't call me that" I told him savagely, noticing that he withdrew away from me. "And I thought I told you earlier, I have nothing to say to you. Stop wasting my time Black"
I fixed him with one last frosty glower, before stalking to the door.
"Why are you always this cold?" he asked me, his voice hard like granite or stone. "What did the world ever do to you to make you this bitter and twisted?"
I rounded on him, willing myself to curse him, to retort, but I had nothing. Why should I explain myself to Sirius Bloody Black?
"I thought so" he continued, in a condescending tone. "You were just born a stuck up bitch"
I slammed the door closed, smirking darkly as the timbers cracked a little. Woodworm had probably made them softer, but I was still pleased at breaking some school property without getting into trouble. I sent a silent prayer that Black would be unable to open the door, if only for a couple of hours (before his boyfriends came to save him).
I suppose I could honestly say that my day had reached a new low and it was all thanks to Black.