Okay, what on earth did I eat/drink/inhale that made me thought of this -_- I don't really know if this is a crackfic but I really have to get this out of my head. I should also inform you that this is extremely non-canon

note: Hayffie is hinted

disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games series

"HAYMITCH ABERNATHY!" Effie yelled as she called for the drunk. Haymitch has left another mess in their penthouse suite once again. Effie cannot fathom the idea of Katniss, Peeta or anyone else for that matter to see the mess of vomit, broken bottles and liquor that was stained into the expensive carpet.

"Wha-What is it sweetheart? Can't we get a little quiet time?" Haymitch stumbled out of his room and dragged himself to face Effie's wrath.

"What is the meaning of this?" Effie said as she pointed to the disgusting part of the ground.

"Oh, that..." Haymitch grumbled under his breath. He would rather sleep or drink more liquor than be lectured on cleanliness.

"Yes, that. Why is there a mess here?" She asked again.

"Obviously, I got drunk, broke a few bottles and puked. Does that help?" he said with a smirk. There are four things that Haymitch Abernathy loves to do: one-drinking alcohol, two-get drunk, three-sleep, and four-annoy the crap out of Effie.

Effie facepalmed herself then gave another scowl. There are four things that pisses Effie Trinket off: one-messes, two-bad manners, three-tardiness and four-Haymitch annoying the crap out of her. "That's not what I mean... Just go clean that up before the kids show up okay?"

"Nah, let the avox do it." he replied sleepily.

"You really don't value cleanliness do you?" Effie placed her hands on her waist then she glared at Haymitch for the millionth time that day.

"You know what else I don't value; that gunk you place on your face, those strange clothes and especially that stupid wig!"

Effie gasped in shock. In her mind no person; no matter how drunk would not appreciate her style. "Why I never! You really don't have a fashion sense do you?"

"No, you really don't have a fashion sense." he replied as he tried to mimic her Capitol accent.

"Well, do you want to know what I think of those substances that you love to drink so much?"

"Okay, What do you think of the substances that I love to drink so much." he mimicked again.

"It's horrendous, disgusting, appalling, atrocious and gruesome. It's nothing but putrid plant juices! That made you make this mess. Even I can hold alcohol better than you do!" She exclaimed.

Haymitched looked at her with amusement due to an idea playing on his mind "How about a bet then?"he smirked.

"A bet?" she raised an eyebrow. She tried to study Haymitch's reactions, to see if he was planning something foul.

"Yeah, let's have a drinking contest."

"No way. I refuse to drink that."

"You said you can hold your alcohol better, didn't ya?"

"Yes, and so what are you implying?" Effie didn't like where this is going. She knows that Haymitch is planning something that is less than ideal.

"I'm implying that you prove it." He smirked again.

"Okay but on one condition."

"What?"

"After we're done drinking, I get to dress you up."

"Woman, are you going to make me your barbie doll?"

"I might" Effie smirked.

"Fine, but we will drink first." Haymitch agreed, hoping that drunk Effie will forget about the second part of their deal.

Two hours later Katniss and Peeta arrived from their training.

"Oh, Welcome back you two! How do you like my dress? It's from Effie's wardrobe." Haymitch spun around so that the two teenagers can see the whole of his outfit. It was a pink floral dress with a plunging neckline and a balloon skirt. He was also wearing a light pink wig with a golden flower on it and extra high-heeled shoes. His face was caked in foundation that was placed on so generously that small bits of it falls down from his facial hair.

The two just stood their with their mouths agape.

"Oh my gosh! Aren't I gorgeous? I feel just like Ms. Universe!" he said as he gave out a sexy pose. The two tried not to gag.

"You tell em sweetheart!" cheered Effie. The two teenagers then glanced at their escort only to be met with a drunk mess. Her make up is smudged, her wig is tilted to the side and her clothes were wrinkled and filthy.

"Ummm What happened here?" Peeta asks.

"Nothing much. C'mon you two chillax and have a drink." replied Effie as she took a swig of booze. The two were reluctant to join her but they were more afraid of Haymitch than Effie so they took their seat there.

"Oh my gosh Katniss!" exclaimed Haymitch all of a sudden."

"Why?"

"Call, the fashion police! Someone needs a makeover!" he squealed with happiness.

"uh, I'll pass." she replied.

"Oh no no no no no! You must get a make over now. C'mon, I'll make you the second prettiest girl in the world-second to me of course." he then happily dragged Katniss inside Effie's room. She was able to utter a help to Peeta before she was forced to enter the room.

Peeta immediately got up from his chair and started walking to the room where Katniss was held "captive" but Effie called after him.

"Where do you think you're going handsome?" She said flirtatiously. Peeta turned around pointed at him while giving her a questioning look. Effie just nodded and batted her eyelashes.

"Well, I have t-to... go and save Katniss?" he said, unsure of what he is really going to do there.

"Katniss can wait... There's an even hotter woman in front of you right?" She moved closer to him then she she placed one hand on his shoulder while the other one draws circles on his chest.

"I think Katniss is calling me..."

"You like older women don't you Peeta? I can be your sugar mama if you like."

"I really need to go..."

"Why the rush sweetheart? Let's party first, go on grab a bottle of booze." She moved her face closer to his then she smiled lustfully.

Peeta swallowed hard and gently unwrapped Effie's hands from his body but as soon as he lets go of her arms she quickly places them on his shoulder then she holds him in a tight embrace.

"Oh no! You're not getting away from me hot stuff!"

"I want my mommy..." whispered Peeta.

meanwhile...

Haymitch locked the door before Katniss could get any help from the ouside world

"Okay sistah! I'll apply some make up to your face first. Oh my gosh! Look at this shade of foundation, it's just your color!" he squealed in delight.

"I'll pass on the make up..."

"Katniss dearie, one must never pass off the make up. As your mentor it is my responsibility to make sure you're the prettiest girl in the arena."

"Shouldn't you be giving survival tips and not beauty tips." Katniss stated

"Katniss Katniss Katniss, they will be so enamored by your beauty that they will not want to kill you and besides you can use this as a weapon. Beauty is deadly." Haymitch reasoned out.

"Still, no thank you..."

"Oh c'mon I promise that you'll love it." Haymitch, with the make up in hand moved closer to Katnisss.

"NOOOOOO! Stay away from me you freak!" Haymitch cornered her then he generously applied the make up to her face.

*moments later*

"Oh my gosh! You're so gorgeous. Check it!" Haymitch said as he positioned a mirror in front of Katniss. By the sight of her own reflection Katniss screamed in fright!

"Wha-What have you done to me! I look like a clown!" exclaimed Katniss.

"Clown? Then you're a beautiful clown." he reasoned.

"PEETA! EFFIE! HELP!" she screamed as she starts struggles with the lock.

Peeta who was on the other side was banging at the door, begging to be let in.

"KATNISS! HAYMITCH! PLEASE! HAVE MERCY!"

Katniss then managed to get the door loose then the two terrified teenagers headed to the nearest safe room- their penthouse's public bathroom. They shut the door and locked the two crazies out.

"Katniss, what happened to you? You look like Joker from The Dark Knight."

"What about you? You looked like you've been smothered."

"I really don't want to talk about it!" he shudders.

The two then heard noises coming from the outside.

"Did you hear that?" Katniss asked.

"Yeah, it sounds like..." Peeta's eyes grew into the sizes of dinner plates as realization hits him.

"Sounds like what? I can barely hear it. It's faint."

"Let's just try to ignore it... You really don't want to know..." he shuddered again.

"Oh so you mean?" she asked.

Peeta just nodded then they both shuddered.

The next morning Haymitch and Effie woke up with a massive hangover. Their clothes were disheveled and dirty. The whole place was dirty.

"What happened here?" Effie exclaimed.

"The better question is why am I wearing your clothes." Haymitch stated.

"Haymitch, what did you do to my dress? It's atrocious! but I must agree that goes well with your eyes..."

"Yeah, sure, whatever princess... So where are the kids?"

"They're probably here somewhere..."

The two looked around the place. They then opened the bathroom door and saw two terrified teenagers.

"STAY AWAY FROM US FOUL DEMONS!" exclaimed Katniss.

"Please just kill us or send us now to the arena just please no more... No more!"

Haymitch and Effie then gave a confused glance at each other.

What substance was in our water system that made me write this down? I better get samples and send them for testing...