Author's Note at the bottom
Chapter Summary: In which Itachi tries to explain "The birds and the bees" to his 4-year old nephew...this can't end well...
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or Wuthering Heights.
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"Unca 'Tachi?"
Itachie Uchiha looked at his nephew, pushing up the reading glasses that were sagging irritatingly down his nose. "Satoshi," he acknowledged, "I'm sure you remember the rules regarding my study." The raven haired 4-year old bit his lip and began twiddling nervously with his spider-man pajamas. "I know I not awoud intide but I got a qwestion fo you." Itachi closed the book he was reading and set it neatly on the Mahogany desk in front of him. "Very well, but you will not be permitted inside until you can recite your previous statement correctly."
After 15 minutes of Satoshi stumbling over words with Itachi correcting him, he was finally granted permission to enter. Satoshi stepped onto the plush red carpet hesitantly , almost as if he were expecting his uncle to suddenly lash out at him. Itachi's gaze only served to make the boy more uncomfortable and soon he was squirming.
"Do not fidget while you are speaking, it is extremely rude." Once the boy had stopped, Itachi continued. "Now come sit down." Satoshi, who was tired of standing anyway, immediately made himself comfortable in the chair across from his uncle's desk. "Unca 'Tachi, why come mommy an daddy dwop me of at your howse on Wendays and Fwidays." Although disappointed with his grammar, Itachi decided to cut his nephew a break and answer anyway.
"Your parents need their alone time Satoshi."
"Why can't tey be awone wib me too?"
Itachi stared into the four-year-old's shinning emerald eyes. "Would I be correct in assuming your father has yet to tell you of The birds and the bees?"
"...Liek Spider-Man?"
This time it was Itachi's turn to become confused. 'What the devil has Sasuke been teaching this child?'
"No, it has nothing to do with your fictional hero--"
"Spider-Man it weal!"
"--I'm talking about where you came from."
Satoshi responded with a calm "oh" before promptly bursting into tears. In case it wasn't obvious, Itachi does not do too well with children. Maybe it's the fact he becomes easily agrivated with people of lower intelligence or he expects for those under him to do everything he says with absolute perfection. (Whatever the reason, he silently cursed it the hottest pits of Hell.) "Stop that right now." He commanded, but Satoshi only wailed louder. His plump tears staining the study's bright scarlet carpet crimson. "Alright Satoshi, Spider-Man is real. I am sorry for my mistake."
"Dat not why I cwying." The boy hiccuped while wiping his puffy eyes. "You taid I come frwm a bee hibe."
"Actually I said 'bird' first so it would be more sensible to assume that you came from a bird's nest." Itachi nearly kicked himself when his nephew began to cry once more.
"Is your mother a bee Satoshi?"
Satoshi sniffed. "No."
"Is your father a bird?"
"...No."
"Then you cam from neither a bee hive or a bird's nest. The phrase simply refers to what your parents had to do for your mother to become pregnant."
"Wat dib dey do Unca 'Tach" Itachi found himself uncharacteristically sweating guns. "They...play leap-frog." Curiosity satisfied, the young child hopped from his chair and waddled out the door. Itachi released a sigh and re-opened his novel, "Wuthering Heights."
You teach me now how cruel you've been — cruel and false. Why did you despise me? Why did you betray your own heart, Cathy? I have not one word of comfort. You deserve this. You have killed yourself. Yes, you may kiss me, and cry; and wring out my kisses and tears: they'll blight you — they'll damn you. You loved me — then what right had you to leave me? What right — answer me — for the poor fancy you felt for Linton? Because misery, and degradation, and death, and nothing God or Satan could inflict would have parted us, you, of your own will, did it. I have not broken your heart — you have broken it; and in breaking it, you have broken mine. So much the worse for me, that I am strong. Do I want to live? What kind of living will it be when you——oh, God! would you like to live with your soul in the gr...
"UNCA 'TACHI!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Itachi didn't have time to prepare himself for his nephew's assault. As a result, his beloved book was knocked viciously from his hands.
Oh the blasphemy.
"I payed weap-fwog wib daddy. Do dat mean I gonna hab a baby too?" Itachi pried Satoshi from his neck and sat him awkwardly in his lap. "No, it only works if a male plays with a female."
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Even the weather seemed disappointed that Monday had reared it's ugly head. The skies were foggy and children of Konoha Elementary were crying shamelessly for their parents. Well, everyone except Satoshi. After kissing his mother good-bye, he practically skipped up the stone stairs of his school building by two's. Why was he in such a hurry you ask? You know how in kindergarten you always find that one box of crayons that is absolutely perfect but you're not the only one who notices so you always end up playing rock-paper-scissors to see who gets them but you suck at rock-paper-scissors so you never get win? Yeah, Satoshi knows that feeling. That is why he braved the extremely scary weather so he could be the first to class. By the time his other classmates finally got their chicken butts in the building, he'd already been coloring for fifteen-minutes.
Ha, suckers.
Satoshi paid no heed to his teacher Kurenai-sensei as he discreetly colored inside his Spider-Man coloring book. (He knew the girl beside him wouldn't tell. Hinato could barely talk to herself without fainting, there was no way she'd actually speak out in class.) That is until the red-eyed woman mentioned leap-frog. Satoshi slid the coloring book under his plastic chair and raised his hand. Obviously Kurenai-sensei did not know the dangers of said game and as the self-proclaimed 'best student ever,' it was his job to tell her.
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This really came out of nowhere. XP It is supposed to be a one-shot but I have ideas for a lot more.
If someone says the word (Or I just feel like it) I'll make this a collection of oneshots instead.
R&R!