This is just a short story about what might have been going on in Raine's
head when she was waiting for Laguna to return home.
BDisclaimer- I don't own Final Fantasy VIII or any of the characters, so don't sue me./B
The wind grows cold, as does my heart. Everyday I sit here waiting for you to come home, but you never come. Why did you leave me so?
Everyday, I die a little more, everyday the pain grows just a little more. Why won't you come home to see your newborn child? He or she will be coming any day now, I've been thinking of names, maybe Joshua for a boy, or Eleanor for a girl? I heard the tale of the mighty hero Joshua, a man from a land so distant that nobody has ever reached it. He slew the mighty monster Squall. Eleanor was the woman he loved, she opened his heart to the world around him. Together they always stayed. You didn't stay with me.
It was my favourite story when growing up. I always wanted to be Eleanor travelling the world with Joshua. You talked of travelling once, we made a promise that one day we'd go see the world together. I would have gone with you to find Elle, but you said it would be a long and dangerous road. You said you cared about me and you would never forgive yourself if anything happened. You promised that you would return home to me, where are you? You don't even know I'm carrying your child.
I miss you so much, there's a pain in my heart that just won't go. Every night, I cry myself to sleep. You're not there lying next to me to hold me tight and to tell me that everything will be okay. You're not there to make me laugh when I feel blue. You're not there to kiss me softly when I need you. My biggest fear is that you won't be there when I give birth to your child, our child. I wish that you would be there, holding my hand like fathers do and encouraging me all the way. Will you be there to hear our baby's first cries as it enters the world? Will you be there to watch it grow?
I try to hide my sorrow from Elle. She's young and doesn't need to feel the burden of my heart. I try with all my might to keep my sorrow from her, but she knows. She knows I cry myself to sleep, she knows that I miss you more than anything; she knows that you might not make it home on time. Will you make it home at all? Did you meet somebody else while you were gone?
I know I sound paranoid, but it's part of the curse of love. You broke our promise to me when you didn't come home, how can I trust you to keep the promise of faithfulness to me? I'm so afraid Laguna, I'm afraid of losing you. I don't want to lose you, not now, not ever.
I would give my whole world, just to be held by you once more, to feel your bare skin against mine, to feel your lips press against mine. What I would give to not feel alone anymore.
As my belly grows bigger, my hope grows smaller. How could you do this to me Laguna? You promised me on our wedding day that you would always be there for me until the day you died. Where are you now? Where are you when I need you more than ever? How can I carry this burden alone? I hate myself for thinking of this as a burden; I hate my child for crimes it did not commit, what kind of a mother will I be? What kind of mother thinks of her child the way I think of ours? A burden. . .nothing more, I know I shouldn't think of such a wonderful thing like that, but I do.
iI hate Ellone for driving you away from me. . .
I hate you for leaving. . .
I hate my own child for just existing. . ./i
What have I been reduced to? I'm what I've always hated. I'm becoming what I swore I would never be. I'm no better than my own mother. My father abandoned us when I was very young, my mother hated him for it, and she hated me for it too. I spent my entire life trying to be worthy in her eyes, no matter what I did I was never worthy. I was never her daughter, I was always ihis/i daughter. She loved him dearly, but her love soon turned to bitterness. Am I too doomed to that bitterness? In the midst of trying to be loved by her, I became her, and I hate it. It makes me sick to the pit of my stomach that I'm becoming her.
Blood runs thicker than water they say. I used to pay no heed to that statement, but now irony seems to be getting the better of me. Everything I fought, everything that I believed in is crumbling around me. Fate is a cruel bitch it seems. I swore that no matter what happens I would never turn into my Mother. Fate put that vow to the test, and I failed miserably. I'm a failure, I'm not worthy. I spent my entire life trying to prove that I was worthy, now I realise that I'm not.
[center]*******[/center]
i"Just keep pushing Raine! You're almost there!"/i
Where are you Laguna? I can't do this alone. I need you here now by my side, holding my hand.
i"It'll all be over soon Raine, and you'll have a wonderful baby of your own."/i
This should be one of the happiest days of my life, but I've never felt more bitter or resentful in my entire life.
i"Here it comes! Congratulations Raine, it's a boy!"/i
The cries, the very first cries. You should be hear to here it, you should be here to celebrate this new life entering the world, but your not. Without you, this doesn't seem like a celebration, only a burden. The nurse hands me the baby, I try to force a smile for the baby's sake.
He's so beautiful Laguna, you should see him. He has your eyes, those magnificent blue eyes. When I look into those eyes, I'm looking at you. When I look into those eyes, I feel love I once had for you, I feel the bitterness I now have for you, and I feel the pain that you caused me too.
I can't bear to look my own son in the eyes, I can't bear the sight of him. How am I supposed to raise something that causes my heart to be tore in two? I can't do this, not without you!
i"What do you want to name him?/i
I think of Joshua in the story, I even had a small crush on Joshua. I know he was only a character in a story, but I still felt for him. I don't see such love when I see my own child, I see the monster Squall.
"Squall, I shall name him Squall." I look away. "I. . .I can't keep him. Please, take him away."
i"Don't be silly Raine! You can keep him! And wait until Laguna sees him!"/i
"No! Just take him away. Take Ellone with him, he deserves a sister. I can't be a mother to him. Please, give him a family who will love him." This is the most painful decision I've ever had to make. Squall deserves somebody who can be a mother to him. I won't treat him the same way my mother treated me, I'll give him a chance to get a family who will love him. I know that I can't love him, I hate myself for it.
i"Raine! This is your son!"/i
"I know. . .please just do it!"
[center]*******[/center]
It has been seven months since I gave Squall and Ellone away, and fifteen and a half months since I last saw you. I'm starting to accept that you won't come home. I'm all alone now, it's not so bad. Nothing to lose anymore, maybe it's best that I stay alone.
i"Raine! You're never going to believe this!"/i
I hear a neighbour of mine rushing into the pub, whatever news she has won't lift my spirits up. Nothing will,
i"You got a letter from Laguna!"/i
Laguna? A letter? I rush down the stairs to see it. You wrote, you actually wrote! I can't believe it!
i"Raine! He wrote!"/i She hands me the letter. I hold it in my trembling hands. One letter, one simple letter could change my whole life. What if you're writing to tell me you're not coming home? What if it's really a letter from Kiros or Ward telling me that you're dead? What if you're writing to tell me you've met somebody else? I can't open it; I can't bear another false hope.
i"Aren't you going to open it?"/i
"I can't. . ." I wish she'd just go away. I don't want her hovering around me. I want to be alone.
i"I understand. Would you like me to open it for you?"/i
"No. Please Val, I just need to be alone for this."
i"Okay, look, talk to me when you've opened it!"/i
She leaves. Laguna, why are you writing? Is it news I want to hear? Is it news that will throw me back into my misery? I know I should keep my hopes down, then I won't be disappointed, but I can't. It feels like a lifetime or more since I last saw you. No matter what I tell myself I still love you.
i Dear Raine,
It feels like an age since I last saw your beautiful face, I've missed you so much. I wish I could have come home sooner, but I had to stay back to help the people of Esther. It has been almost a year since Adel was defeated and Esther was in turmoil. It was risky even sending a letter, but now the danger is past and Esther has returned to peace. My work here is done, and now I can leave.
I'm coming home Raine, back to Winhill. I feel as if I'm returning to the place that will always be my home. I can't wait to see you and little Elle again! I can't wait to hold you in my arms once more, I can't wait to grow old with you, and maybe even have a few kids. I keep thinking of what the future will be like, I can't wait to share it with you.
Nothing I write down now could even compare to the joy I'm feeling about returning home to you, nor could simple words describe the love in my heart for you. I will be back home on the fourth of April, please be there waiting for me.
All my love,
Laguna/i
I drop the letter. I've never felt so low in my entire life. How can I face you after all that I've done? How will I tell you about giving away our son and Ellone to the orphanage? How can I face you after all the resentment I felt towards you? How can I forgive myself for hating Ellone? How can I forgive myself for hating our son? How will you forgive me for the crimes I've committed?
iWhat have I done?/i
How will you love a woman like me? Will you leave me for what I did? Laguna. . .I love you, I love you so much. I want to see you again, I want to be held by you again. . .but I don't deserve it. I deserve to never see you again, to remain miserable for the rest of my days.
The gun. . .my mothers gun. . .the one she used to claim her life. The one that will claim my life. It's under the floorboards; I never wanted to see it again after what she used it for.
I can't leave without saying goodbye, you deserve that.
i Dear Laguna
I'm taking the cowards way out for the sins I've committed. I can't face you after what I have done, don't blame yourself for any of this. Don't mourn for me, I don't deserve it. I love you Laguna.
Goodbye Raine /i
I pick up the gun with my shaking hands. I place it right in front of my heart, the same place were my mother put it. I think of you Laguna, I think of how much I love you. I think of our son, is he alright? Will he grow up happy? Will he get married? Will he have children of his own? Will he not fall into the trap that I and my mother fell into? I won't be around to see him grow up, after what I did to him he wouldn't want me to be a part of his life at all.
The trigger, to pull or not to pull? I'll pull it and I'll never look back. Goodbye. . .
centeri~fin~/i/center
If the italics and all don't show, could somebody please tell me how to do it?
BDisclaimer- I don't own Final Fantasy VIII or any of the characters, so don't sue me./B
The wind grows cold, as does my heart. Everyday I sit here waiting for you to come home, but you never come. Why did you leave me so?
Everyday, I die a little more, everyday the pain grows just a little more. Why won't you come home to see your newborn child? He or she will be coming any day now, I've been thinking of names, maybe Joshua for a boy, or Eleanor for a girl? I heard the tale of the mighty hero Joshua, a man from a land so distant that nobody has ever reached it. He slew the mighty monster Squall. Eleanor was the woman he loved, she opened his heart to the world around him. Together they always stayed. You didn't stay with me.
It was my favourite story when growing up. I always wanted to be Eleanor travelling the world with Joshua. You talked of travelling once, we made a promise that one day we'd go see the world together. I would have gone with you to find Elle, but you said it would be a long and dangerous road. You said you cared about me and you would never forgive yourself if anything happened. You promised that you would return home to me, where are you? You don't even know I'm carrying your child.
I miss you so much, there's a pain in my heart that just won't go. Every night, I cry myself to sleep. You're not there lying next to me to hold me tight and to tell me that everything will be okay. You're not there to make me laugh when I feel blue. You're not there to kiss me softly when I need you. My biggest fear is that you won't be there when I give birth to your child, our child. I wish that you would be there, holding my hand like fathers do and encouraging me all the way. Will you be there to hear our baby's first cries as it enters the world? Will you be there to watch it grow?
I try to hide my sorrow from Elle. She's young and doesn't need to feel the burden of my heart. I try with all my might to keep my sorrow from her, but she knows. She knows I cry myself to sleep, she knows that I miss you more than anything; she knows that you might not make it home on time. Will you make it home at all? Did you meet somebody else while you were gone?
I know I sound paranoid, but it's part of the curse of love. You broke our promise to me when you didn't come home, how can I trust you to keep the promise of faithfulness to me? I'm so afraid Laguna, I'm afraid of losing you. I don't want to lose you, not now, not ever.
I would give my whole world, just to be held by you once more, to feel your bare skin against mine, to feel your lips press against mine. What I would give to not feel alone anymore.
As my belly grows bigger, my hope grows smaller. How could you do this to me Laguna? You promised me on our wedding day that you would always be there for me until the day you died. Where are you now? Where are you when I need you more than ever? How can I carry this burden alone? I hate myself for thinking of this as a burden; I hate my child for crimes it did not commit, what kind of a mother will I be? What kind of mother thinks of her child the way I think of ours? A burden. . .nothing more, I know I shouldn't think of such a wonderful thing like that, but I do.
iI hate Ellone for driving you away from me. . .
I hate you for leaving. . .
I hate my own child for just existing. . ./i
What have I been reduced to? I'm what I've always hated. I'm becoming what I swore I would never be. I'm no better than my own mother. My father abandoned us when I was very young, my mother hated him for it, and she hated me for it too. I spent my entire life trying to be worthy in her eyes, no matter what I did I was never worthy. I was never her daughter, I was always ihis/i daughter. She loved him dearly, but her love soon turned to bitterness. Am I too doomed to that bitterness? In the midst of trying to be loved by her, I became her, and I hate it. It makes me sick to the pit of my stomach that I'm becoming her.
Blood runs thicker than water they say. I used to pay no heed to that statement, but now irony seems to be getting the better of me. Everything I fought, everything that I believed in is crumbling around me. Fate is a cruel bitch it seems. I swore that no matter what happens I would never turn into my Mother. Fate put that vow to the test, and I failed miserably. I'm a failure, I'm not worthy. I spent my entire life trying to prove that I was worthy, now I realise that I'm not.
[center]*******[/center]
i"Just keep pushing Raine! You're almost there!"/i
Where are you Laguna? I can't do this alone. I need you here now by my side, holding my hand.
i"It'll all be over soon Raine, and you'll have a wonderful baby of your own."/i
This should be one of the happiest days of my life, but I've never felt more bitter or resentful in my entire life.
i"Here it comes! Congratulations Raine, it's a boy!"/i
The cries, the very first cries. You should be hear to here it, you should be here to celebrate this new life entering the world, but your not. Without you, this doesn't seem like a celebration, only a burden. The nurse hands me the baby, I try to force a smile for the baby's sake.
He's so beautiful Laguna, you should see him. He has your eyes, those magnificent blue eyes. When I look into those eyes, I'm looking at you. When I look into those eyes, I feel love I once had for you, I feel the bitterness I now have for you, and I feel the pain that you caused me too.
I can't bear to look my own son in the eyes, I can't bear the sight of him. How am I supposed to raise something that causes my heart to be tore in two? I can't do this, not without you!
i"What do you want to name him?/i
I think of Joshua in the story, I even had a small crush on Joshua. I know he was only a character in a story, but I still felt for him. I don't see such love when I see my own child, I see the monster Squall.
"Squall, I shall name him Squall." I look away. "I. . .I can't keep him. Please, take him away."
i"Don't be silly Raine! You can keep him! And wait until Laguna sees him!"/i
"No! Just take him away. Take Ellone with him, he deserves a sister. I can't be a mother to him. Please, give him a family who will love him." This is the most painful decision I've ever had to make. Squall deserves somebody who can be a mother to him. I won't treat him the same way my mother treated me, I'll give him a chance to get a family who will love him. I know that I can't love him, I hate myself for it.
i"Raine! This is your son!"/i
"I know. . .please just do it!"
[center]*******[/center]
It has been seven months since I gave Squall and Ellone away, and fifteen and a half months since I last saw you. I'm starting to accept that you won't come home. I'm all alone now, it's not so bad. Nothing to lose anymore, maybe it's best that I stay alone.
i"Raine! You're never going to believe this!"/i
I hear a neighbour of mine rushing into the pub, whatever news she has won't lift my spirits up. Nothing will,
i"You got a letter from Laguna!"/i
Laguna? A letter? I rush down the stairs to see it. You wrote, you actually wrote! I can't believe it!
i"Raine! He wrote!"/i She hands me the letter. I hold it in my trembling hands. One letter, one simple letter could change my whole life. What if you're writing to tell me you're not coming home? What if it's really a letter from Kiros or Ward telling me that you're dead? What if you're writing to tell me you've met somebody else? I can't open it; I can't bear another false hope.
i"Aren't you going to open it?"/i
"I can't. . ." I wish she'd just go away. I don't want her hovering around me. I want to be alone.
i"I understand. Would you like me to open it for you?"/i
"No. Please Val, I just need to be alone for this."
i"Okay, look, talk to me when you've opened it!"/i
She leaves. Laguna, why are you writing? Is it news I want to hear? Is it news that will throw me back into my misery? I know I should keep my hopes down, then I won't be disappointed, but I can't. It feels like a lifetime or more since I last saw you. No matter what I tell myself I still love you.
i Dear Raine,
It feels like an age since I last saw your beautiful face, I've missed you so much. I wish I could have come home sooner, but I had to stay back to help the people of Esther. It has been almost a year since Adel was defeated and Esther was in turmoil. It was risky even sending a letter, but now the danger is past and Esther has returned to peace. My work here is done, and now I can leave.
I'm coming home Raine, back to Winhill. I feel as if I'm returning to the place that will always be my home. I can't wait to see you and little Elle again! I can't wait to hold you in my arms once more, I can't wait to grow old with you, and maybe even have a few kids. I keep thinking of what the future will be like, I can't wait to share it with you.
Nothing I write down now could even compare to the joy I'm feeling about returning home to you, nor could simple words describe the love in my heart for you. I will be back home on the fourth of April, please be there waiting for me.
All my love,
Laguna/i
I drop the letter. I've never felt so low in my entire life. How can I face you after all that I've done? How will I tell you about giving away our son and Ellone to the orphanage? How can I face you after all the resentment I felt towards you? How can I forgive myself for hating Ellone? How can I forgive myself for hating our son? How will you forgive me for the crimes I've committed?
iWhat have I done?/i
How will you love a woman like me? Will you leave me for what I did? Laguna. . .I love you, I love you so much. I want to see you again, I want to be held by you again. . .but I don't deserve it. I deserve to never see you again, to remain miserable for the rest of my days.
The gun. . .my mothers gun. . .the one she used to claim her life. The one that will claim my life. It's under the floorboards; I never wanted to see it again after what she used it for.
I can't leave without saying goodbye, you deserve that.
i Dear Laguna
I'm taking the cowards way out for the sins I've committed. I can't face you after what I have done, don't blame yourself for any of this. Don't mourn for me, I don't deserve it. I love you Laguna.
Goodbye Raine /i
I pick up the gun with my shaking hands. I place it right in front of my heart, the same place were my mother put it. I think of you Laguna, I think of how much I love you. I think of our son, is he alright? Will he grow up happy? Will he get married? Will he have children of his own? Will he not fall into the trap that I and my mother fell into? I won't be around to see him grow up, after what I did to him he wouldn't want me to be a part of his life at all.
The trigger, to pull or not to pull? I'll pull it and I'll never look back. Goodbye. . .
centeri~fin~/i/center
If the italics and all don't show, could somebody please tell me how to do it?