A Gamer's Dream … Or Nightmare? Chapter 1: The Most Cliché Beginning Ever, a hyperdimension neptunia fanfic

Constant Readers, before I begin to get into the Author's Note, I would like to tell you that Theboblinator is almost directly responsible for this. He urged me to watch a playthrough of Hyperdimension Neptunia Re;Birth1 on YouTube, and that's where I came up with the idea for this story.

This is going to be a rare one for me. While I usually do OC stories, it's not often those OCs are self-inserts. Hell, depending on when I end up releasing this, I might not have any at all! (I quite often write the author's note for a story months in advance of actually writing the story itself … bad habit, I'm afraid.) But yeah, this is going to be a self-insert story, as this idea just sort of jumped into my head awhile back while I was discussing how to write a good self-insert with another author over PM. (And while I don't know if he's reading this, I'd just like to thank DarkLord98 for his advice – this isn't the story we were discussing, but I thought it'd be a better idea to start with a less serious self-insert before going on to the more serious story we were talking about.) My original idea was to have an OC male CPU with his own original land, but thinking about it, I'd rather go with this idea. I might still do that one – probably will, as a matter of fact – with a regular OC, but that won't be for quite awhile yet.

It's another rarity for me because this is a harem story. Up until this, I've only been willing to write harem stories for High School DxD, and even then I didn't do that often. I have to feel that the harem aspect is going to fit if I'm going to do this, 'cause I normally prefer to write single pairings. The reason I'm going with it for this is mostly for the comedic value, which the Random Omnipotent Being (yes, I'm going to be using one, deal with it) will go into more detail with when we actually get the story started. I was originally going for an OC/Noire story, but I got a funny idea involving harems midway through the planning process, so I changed it.

Don't let that fool you, though, this will be the only self-insert I write that will feature a harem. I'm really not that kind of guy in real life, and I'm only doing it in this story because I had a thought that I think will be surprisingly entertaining. There will be more self-inserts in future – I've seen a lot of them, so I want to write some for myself – but they will all feature single pairings. I'm also likely to write a few Neptunia stories that feature single pairings, but that won't be for quite some time yet.

That's all I've got to say up here, Constant Readers, so I welcome you all to A Gamer's Dream … Or Nightmare?!

Oh, and obviously this guy isn't going to have my real name. His initials are the same, but that's literally it.

Let's begin.

The Most Cliché Beginning Ever

This all began in an incredibly odd, yet nonetheless cliché way that I have yet to stop thinking about, even now. My name is Philip Jonathan Butler, and I was your average eighteen year old gamer. I spent little time out of my room mingling with other people, and I spent the majority of my time cooped up in my small bedroom playing games on my PC or gaming consoles. A typical loser shut-in, really, now that I think back on it.

Damn, only a paragraph in, and writing this is already giving me really depressing feelings about how my life was before shit went down.

Anyway, I digress – at the time my story began, I was lying on my bed playing on my Playstation Vita. Specifically, I was playing the game Hyperdimension Neptunia Re;Birth1. Vert was on screen, and my teenage mind, as mature as it could be at times, was focusing almost entirely on her incredibly voluptuous body. It was late at night, so my mind wasn't exactly the most active part of my body, you know what I mean?

This was my fourth time playing through the game, if I'm not mistaken. This was a very long time ago, you must understand, and while the majority of the details remain perfectly clear in my mind, as if they'd happened only yesterday, smaller details such as that have slipped my mind over the years. In any case, I had played the game through at least a few times, and I wanted to get Hyperdimension Neptunia Re;Birth2, if only because I had played the first game through enough to make it almost boring. Key word: almost. I doubted I'd ever get completely bored of the game, but I hadn't had the presence of mind to buy any of the sequels as of yet, something that, looking back, I regret rather heavily.

I'd be lying if I said I wanted the other games just for the story. As I'm sure you discerned from a couple of paragraphs ago, I was a hormone-driven teenager if ever there was one. Not completely perverted, but not exactly oblivious to the appeal of the fairer sex, either. The thought of what other girls might be in the second game was normally a tiny thought in the back of my mind, but due to how late it was, it was basically all I was focusing on.

"Waifus, waifus, and more waifus …" I found myself muttering, humming to myself.

Sue me. I was a lonely bloke. I had a few friends, but other than a few very occasional meet-ups, I only spoke to them over the internet.

"Waifus, eh?" a voice suddenly resonated from the PS Vita.

I'm not ashamed to admit that I jumped a little when it spoke. I'd never heard that voice before, and I had played the game a few times by this point. "The fuck!?" I exclaimed, then cursed myself, hoping no one in the house had heard that.

"Now, now, Philip, mind your language," said the voice again. The screen of my PS Vita went black, and a face popped up, fluorescent white like a porcelain mask, but unmistakeably a real face.

"Who … who are you?" I asked. Then I realised something. "And how the hell do you know my name!?"

"You can call me Rob. Short for something, but certainly not for Robert. As for how I know your name … well, I know a lot of things about a lot of people, I guess." I had the feeling he'd have shrugged if he wasn't just a face on a screen.

"And what do you know about me?" I regretted the question as soon as I'd asked it. In my mind, asking what he knew about me was a one-way trip to being even more freaked out.

"What I know, Philip, is that you're a lonely guy whose social life could do with a serious upgrade. Must be where this waifu obsession of yours comes from. And I must say, you have one unhealthy waifu obsession. I'd be disgusted if I wasn't extremely entertained by messing with people like you. I have to wonder, though … how well would you deal with the situation if all those waifus surrounded you in real life …?"

I didn't like the humour in his voice. And, as a veteran of internet fanfiction, I could see where this was going a mile off. It even said it in his name – Rob.

"Oh, fucking Christ, Rob stands for Random Omnipotent Being, doesn't it?" I asked, groaning in exasperation. "Am I gonna encounter any other overused clichés any time soon?"

It was at around this point that I realised the game's fourth wall breaking had gone to my head.

"Depends," said Rob. "How would you like to go to Gamindustri, Philip? Not that your answer is going to influence what I do in any way, shape, or form; I'm just curious."

"I'm not as delusional as some other people. Yeah, going to a fictional universe like that would be cool, but how long would someone without superpowers and battle experience live? Hell, I reckon I'd die in a heartbeat. So no, I wouldn't particularly want to end up in Gamindustri."

"I see … well, sucks to be you, then, doesn't it? I'm afraid you don't have a choice in the matter, Philip old boy!"

"What … what do you mean …?" I was feeling nervous. As I've said, this is how a lot of fanfiction starts, but back then there had been some small shimmer of hope that this would work out differently than all that. More fool me.

"I'm in need of some good entertainment, and messing with people like you is always an amusing way to spend time. It should be even more fun since your knowledge only spans the first game. Oh … I do wonder what will happen when you reach the events of the second?" He burst into deranged laughter, and I found myself asking why a being as insane as this was gifted with omnipotent power. "Don't worry, though. It's not like I'm sending you in empty handed; it wouldn't be any fun if you died too early, now would it? When you get there you'll find that you look quite different to how you do now – let's just say it's to help you fit with the setting, shall we? – and while you're there you may discover you can do some stuff that you couldn't before. After all, what better way to have you fit in than to make you one of 'em!"

"One of what?"

"Spoilers. I'm being an intentionally vague bastard, Philip. I thought you'd read these kinds of stories before. Now enough of this. Off you go!"

I was about to speak again when I felt the sudden sensation of being pulled. My face was yanked toward my PS Vita, but instead of breaking it and possible getting a bloody nose, I suddenly felt the wind blowing against me and a curious falling sensation. I opened my eyes, which I had closed when I thought I was about to hit my PS Vita, and to my dawning horror I realised that I was falling out of the night sky at high speeds. And so I did the only thing I could think to do …

I flailed my arms around and screamed like a little girl.

I was more panicked than I had ever been before in my life. The wind passing me by as I fell was like a hurricane, and the fact that I could still feel my hat on my head was some miracle …

Wait … hat? I asked myself. I hadn't been wearing a ha—

Then I hit the ground.

Two things surprised me next.

The first, but altogether less surprising of these two things was that I woke up. It didn't quite register with me at the time because I had a pounding headache after the landing, and my entire upper body was aching pretty badly, too, but I was definitely alive. Groaning, I opened my eyes to find that I was on somebody's sofa … a pink sofa. Blinking in order to clear my vision of the black and white spots that come with awakening from a forced unconscious state, I saw that the living room I was in was quite possibly the most effeminate room I had ever seen in all my life.

The wallpaper was bright pink, the curtains were bright pink with dark pink hearts on them, there was a mantelpiece with pink stuffed animals on it … I was either in the house of a young woman or a really feminine man, be he gay or otherwise. It doesn't happen often, but I'm sure there's at least one straight guy in the world with a thing for pink.

Quest Alert!
Where the Hell Am I?

You have awakened in a mysterious pink room after going through a strange ordeal. Find out where you are and the details of what happened to you.

Reward: 50 XP. Skill book. Knowledge of the situation.

What the fuck? I thought as the text popped up in front of my eyes.

"Oh, you're up," said the voice of a cheerful young woman. "I was just about to check on your friend."

As I turned my head to regard the voice that I immediately recognised as Compa's, I had a slight panic attack within my mind that was put on hold when I caught sight of her. She had been adorable in the game, and in real life she was just as adorable, but due to the high resolution graphics that come with things in real life, I could also see just how beautiful she was. Her hair was long, flowing, and pink, held back with a black headband that had a strange C shape on the left side. Her eyes were wide and a slightly darker shade of pink than her hair. She had smooth, pale skin. She wore a white wool top that covered her E-cup breasts (don't you dare ask me how I knew that; I was a teenage boy, for Christ's sake!), with matching arm warmers and boots, which both had fuzzy balls on the top that her top didn't have. Around her neck was a black choker with a small heart on it; the heart had the C logo from her headband at its centre. On her bottom half she wore a red plaid skirt and a pair of black-brown knee-socks with light pink frills that had heart shapes in them. She carried a black hip-purse that had the same C logo that was on her headband and choker.

A skill has been created through a special act. The skill "Observe" has been created.

Observe. Active. Lvl 1 (0.0%). Through continuous observation, a skill to observe objects, situations, and people was generated, allowing the user to quickly gather information. The higher the skill, the greater the data obtained. Cost: 10SP.

Seeing a video game character in real life was quite the shock, but gaining a skill like in an actual video game was what had me at a complete loss for words. It was the words I saw hovering above Compa's head, however, that really caught my attention.

\Nurse in Training/

LV: 1

Compa

HP: 1150/1150
SP: 1100/1100
EXP: 0/25

Compa is a nurse-in-training who resides in Planeptune. While she is very clumsy at times, her spectacular bedside manner and immense kindness more than make up for it.

Like an actual RPG … I thought in wonder, then shook my head to clear my thoughts. It made my headache worse, and I couldn't stop the small, pained grown from escaping my lips.

"Oh my, does your head hurt?" Compa asked me, worried.

"A … little …" I said, then winced as the throbbing in my head seemed to get worse. "A lot …"

"Well, I can't say I'm surprised," she said, tilting her head at me in curiosity. "You landed right on it. Why were you falling from the sky, anyway?"

I tensed up immediately, starting to panic a little. "I, er …" I tried to come up with something feasible, then remembered the state Neptune woke up in in the game. "I don't recall …"

A skill has been created through a special act. The skill "Lying" has been created.

Lying. Passive. Lvl 1 (0.0%). A skill that allows the user to offer false information through a promising act in order to make people believe what you say is the truth. 5% chance of lie being believed.

Lie Successful!

"Oh dear. What do you remember?"

"… M-Most things." It took me a moment of thought to decide what I was going to say. True, I could have pretended to have full amnesia, but I didn't trust in my ability to keep that ruse going on for very long. So I simply decided to say I couldn't remember why I was falling. "My … my name's Philip, and … wait, did you say my 'friend'?"

"I'm Compa," she introduced herself, though I already knew. "I'm talking about the girl I found near you, the one with her head stuck in the floor like a spike someone's planted in the ground. Don't you know her?"

Well … shit … It was with dawning panic and horror that I realised Rob had thrown me into the world of Gamindustri right at the beginning of Hyperdimension Neptunia Re;Birth1, and he had put me right where the story began, too. The bastard had thrown me neck deep in shit creek with my mouth wide open, and I think the only reason Compa wasn't questioning the fact that I had started shaking was because I had just fallen out of the bloody sky.

Your level has increased by one!

You have acquired the skill book, "Mana Manipulation." Would you like to learn this skill?
Yes/No"

Thinking on it for a moment, I chose to ignore that until I got some time to myself. "I … um … I can't say I do know her," I managed to say. I could feel the sweat pouring down my face. "You, er, you don't have a toilet I could use, do you?"

She pointed down the hall. "Just down there and to the left. While you're in there, I'll go check on the mystery girl, and I'll grab you some aspirin from the upstairs bathroom, okay?"

"Sounds … sounds perfect," I said, standing up with quite a bit of effort. "Thank you very much, Compa."

"No need to thank me," she said, but I was already heading toward the toilet, stumbling a little as I went, though I didn't really notice in my state of mind. I was in a hurry to get some privacy so that I could have my mental breakdown in peace and see for myself these changes in appearance Rob the Bastard (as I had decided to call him from then on) had mentioned to me before. There was also some stuff I could see in a sort of HUD that I wanted to take a look at without seeming to be crazy.

I got into the toilet, locked the door, and immediately threw my arms into the air, gritting my teeth. I was waving my arms around, attempting to let all of the panic and stress that had been building up in my system out through physical movement, but nothing was happening. Then, in a moment of madness, I simply slapped myself in the face as hard as I could. It stung like a bitch, but suddenly I felt a lot calmer. I took in a deep breath and went over to the mirror that was just beside the toilet.

My skin, which had once been pale due to its rare exposure to sunlight, was now nicely tanned. My hair, once a short and messy black, was now still short, but it was a lot wavier than it had been and was a dusty blue colour. My once deep blue eyes were now orange and thin. I was taller than I once was, I noticed, and could also feel a little muscle where there had been basically none previously. The biggest difference I noticed between my new appearance and my old one was that this new one was actually fairly good-looking, whereas my old face was average at best.

My clothes had changed, too. Whereas when I had been taken into this world I was wearing a pair of blue pyjamas, I was now wearing a black trenchcoat over a dark blue jumper. On my bottom half was a pair of grey jeans, and on my feet were a pair of black combat boots. On my head rested a black fedora.

"Christ, I feel like I'm about to offer someone a choice between the red and blue pills," I muttered to myself. It would have been more accurate to say I looked like something Alucard would pull out of his ass. At least there weren't shades – that would've been a bit too much edginess for my tastes.

I looked to the left-hand side of my field of vision, and I saw a small pixelated version of my face underneath two bars at the top, one red and one blue; probably my health and mana, or something similar. Curious, I brought up a hand and placed my finger on it. In front of me, my own statistics appeared.

Status

\The Crappy Self-Insert/

LV: 2

Philip Jonathan Butler

HP: 1200/1200
SP: 800/800
XP: 25/50

STR: 15
VIT: 13
DEX: 7
INT: 10
WIS: 12
LUCK: 5

STATUS AILMENTS: Dyspraxia

Dyspraxia. A permanent status ailment that has been there since birth. Gives the user a severely bad sense of balance, leading you to walk in a stagger and potentially throwing you off in combat situations.

Five Luck is probably about right … I thought bitterly. Look at the situation I'm in … God damn it, Rob, you bastard! And calling my dyspraxia an ailment … harsh motherfucker …

I got rid of that window by tapping the little cross sign in the top corner with my index finger. Next, I tapped my finger against an icon in the top left, just beneath my status screen, that looked like some kind of bag. Another screen popped up immediately.

Inventory

Doom: A one-handed war hammer that deals ice damage in addition to physical damage.

Destiny: A one-handed war hammer that deals fire damage in addition to physical damage.

Those were the only two items in the inventory at the time, but I was quite pleased with them. I was rather happy that Rob had at least taken into account the fact that I was almost definitely going to have to fight monsters in this new world. And, to be honest, I though Doom and Destiny were two really cool names for a pair of magic hammers.

The third and final icon that looked like it opened a menu was in the top left. It strongly resembled a magic wand. I tapped it, and the menu came up.

Skills

Gamer's Mind. Passive. Lvl Max. Allows the user to calmly and logically think things through. Allows peaceful state of mind. Grants immunity to psychological status effects.

Gamer's Body. Passive. Lvl Max. Grants a body that allows the user to live the real world like a game. Sleeping in a bed restores HP, SP, and all status effects.

Knew there had to be a downside … I thought in disappointment. Being able to sleep myself back to full health was pretty cool, but other than that, there was really nothing too spectacular. Well, Observe was okay, but I would be lying if I said I didn't have some distaste for the Lying skill. But, then again, telling the truth would probably cause me more trouble than lying ever could. Then I remembered that this whole thing was set up like an RPG. I guess I'll unlock new skills as I level up. It seemed a logical assumption, so it was an assumption I made. I hoped I was right. Then I remembered the alert I had gotten for finding out where I was. The second I thought about it, the alert popped up again, and rather than using my finger this time, I simply thought Yes, and the alert went away. But another alert popped up instantly afterward.

Spirit Manipulation. Passive. Lvl Max. Allows the user to freely manipulate "spirit," which is an energy found within most living things and is the basis for all magical abilities. Passively increases INT by 10%. Passively increases SP by 10%.

I got the tap running and splashed some cold water on my face. It helped my headache a little, but I decided I would have to have a nice, long drink of the stuff before going anywhere. Who knew interdimensional travel and a shifting of appearance could give you such a splitting headache?

Before I thought to leave the toilet, however, I remembered that there had been a 5 next to something that said "skill points" when I'd been checking my status screen. Going back onto my status screen, I chose to put all five into DEX, hoping that would negate some of the effects of my dyspraxia. It brought DEX up to a healthy 12. I would worry about my other skills and such later.

"Nrrgh!" The sounds that suddenly resounded from upstairs were muffled quite a bit, but they were still discernible. I immediately pinpointed the voice as Neptune's. "H-Hold on! Can you make it a bit loose? It's getting tigh—"

Compa's response was quieter than Neptune's struggles, so I couldn't make out her voice.

"Urgh! I can't … breath. My back! Ahhh—"

"Nep-Nep? Are you okay!? Please, come back! Nep-Nep? Nep-Nep!?"

Despite the stress I was still feeling, I couldn't help but find that slightly funny. And so a chuckle escaped from my lips. This would be the scene in which Compa tried to bandage up Neptune, but ended up near enough choking her to death with the bandages instead. Ah yes, what fond memories …

I went into Compa's kitchen (which was equally as pink as the rest of the house) and helped myself to a glass from her cupboard. I'd apologise for rooting through her cupboards and taking stuff out later. I went to the tap in the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water, then I went back into the living room and sat myself back on her sofa. I drank some of the water, and my headache began to subside, though not completely. I'd be glad when Compa brought me that aspirin.

I was about halfway through the glass when some rapid footsteps started descending the stairs. I looked over my shoulder at the stairs, and saw Neptune in all her fourth wall breaking glory. True to the game, she had short lilac hair with bangs that reached down to her collar bone. Her eyes were nice and purple, hinting at her goddess persona, Purple Heart (not that I would be mentioning that). In her hair were the white, D-pad-shaped hair-clips that she was so famous for sporting. She had a choker around her neck that had a light blue version of the D-pad symbol on it. She wore a white hoodie dress with a light purple hood, strings that looked remarkably like controller plugs, and two purple and white pockets with a purple variant of the D-pad symbol on them. The ends of the sleeves and the bottom of the hoodie had a light and dark purple stripe patter on them. There was an emblem attached to the zip on the hoodie that looked like a large letter N. I knew from playing the game that there was a similar symbol on her back. She wore white and light blue striped thigh-high socks that had frills at the top. Her shoes were purple and blue.

Wow! I'm genuinely pleased that I can remember all this in such detail!

…

I apologise. That break in writing was me getting into an argument because someone thinks I only remember in such detail because I was checking her out. I was not checking her out! That part of my brain doesn't really kick up until the night time …

Anyway, back to the story. Above her head were her details, similar to how they were with Compa.

\The Protagonist of Protagonists!/

LV: 1

Neptune

HP: 1200/1200
SP: 750/750
EXP: 0/25

Neptune, aka Purple Heart, is the Console Patrol Unit (CPU) of Planeptune. She is decidedly immature and has a love for pranks, but has a good heart. When in her Hard Drive Divinity (HDD) form, she becomes more mature in both appearance and personality. She is currently suffering from amnesia and has no clue of her status as a goddess.

"So, you're the other guy who fell from the sky, huh?" Neptune asked me. The smile on her face was a mix of general positivity and mischievousness.

"Y-Yeah, that'd be me," I said, smiling at her. Her smile was remarkably infectious, even after only a few seconds. "I'm Philip. It's, uh … it's nice to meet you." I cleared my throat.

"Hi, Philip! I'm Neptune!" She tilted her head and thought for a moment. "Y'know what? Philip is too boring. I'm gonna call you Philly!"

I blinked. Blinking was the only thing I could think to do.

"… You think my name's boring?" I asked, frowning.

"Try not to take it as an insult of anything, Philly. Your name's just a little … plain, that's all." She closed her eyes and grinned at me, and all too quickly I realised why the other characters could find her slightly infuriating at times.

"… Right," I said, trying to smile again. "Well … it's nice to meet you, Neptune."

She gasped, her smile widening even further. "You got it right!" She damn near jumped for joy. "Compa kept getting it wrong, so she has to call me Nep-Nep, but you got it right!" She sat down on the sofa next to me. "I get the feeling we're gonna be the best of friends, Philly …" She suddenly stopped speaking, put a finger to her mouth, and shushed me. "You hear that, Philly?"

"No," I said, really trying, but not hearing anything.

"That's the sound of someone writing his first self-insert fanfiction. We'd best wish him luck, 'cause those things can crash and burn if not handled right!"

"You … you don't care much for the fourth wall, do you?"

"What's the fourth wall?"

"Yep, that's about the answer I expected." I sighed and picked up my glass of water. "So, why are you alone? Did Compa pass out up there, or something?"

She giggled. "No, no, nothing like that. She said something about getting some ass-sprint from the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. I came down here to meet you like she asked."

As if on cue, the woman herself came down the stairs. She was holding a couple of pill capsules in her hand, which I assumed were the aspirin for my headache.

"Thanks, Compa," I said, taking them and swallowing them with a gulp of water. "And, uh … sorry for going into the kitchen without permission. I was … I was kinda thirsty."

"That's all right," she said, smiling radiantly. "Are you hungry, by any chance, Philip? I was just about to get Nep-Nep some pudding."

"Are you sure?" I asked. "Don't wanna put you out by eating all your food, or anything …"

"It's fine," she said. "I've got plenty, so there's no need to worry about it. Besides, you're my guest, it'd be rude if I didn't offer you something to eat.

"… All right, then, don't mind if I do. Thanks very much, Compa."

"You know, you don't have to thank me for every little thing." She giggled a little.

I simply shrugged. The odds were that I was going to keep doing it, anyway. We all went into the kitchen then, and Neptune and I sat at the table while Compa fetched the pudding. The reactions it got from the characters in the game were so positive that I truly couldn't wait to try it.

A few moments later all three of us were seated around the table in Compa's kitchen. Each of us had a bowl in front of us that contained what I assumed to be a custard pudding. Going off of its colour, that's the best guess I could have made.

"Hmm …" Neptune hummed. "So this yellow thing is a pudding?" She picked up the spoon Compa had provided and poked the pudding with the end. "Whoa! It wiggles when you poke it!"

"Don't play with your food, Neptune," I said. "Just, y'know, eat it." I picked up my spoon and dug in.

The second I put the spoon with the pudding on it in my mouth, it was like there was a fireworks display going off for my taste buds. I took as much time chewing to savour the flavour as I could before swallowing. I had genuinely never tasted a more delicious dessert in my entire life. I simply couldn't help myself as I began shovelling spoonful after spoonful into my mouth. It was so damned good.

"Philly looks like he's enjoying himself," said Neptune. "Well, here I go!" She chomped down on the pudding, and her eyes widened as soon as it was in her mouth. "The tantalising sweetness melts away on my tongue! This is the best!"

"Really …?" Compa asked.

I burped into my hand, my now-empty bowl sitting in front of me. "Pardon me," I said. "And yes, really, Compa. I agree with Neptune. This is the greatest thing I've ever tasted in my life!"

"This has got to have been made by the finest chef in the world!" Neptune proclaimed. "Where can I get more?"

"Well, I actually made it myself," said Compa.

"Damn, Compa," I said, feigning surprise. "You have got some mad skills in the kitchen, if you don't mind my saying."

"Amazing … Compa, you are a genius …"

"Oh, stop teasing me, you two," Compa said bashfully, though she had a wide smile and a blush on her face. "Wait a minute. Let me get more."

"None for me, thanks," I said. "It was absolutely delicious, but I'd rather not eat too much. Let me tell you something, though, Compa: Whoever marries you is one hell of a lucky guy!"

A skill has been created through a special action. The skill "Flirting" has been added.

Flirting. Passive. Lvl 1 (0.0%). Through the use of certain words and/or actions, the user can suggest a more intimate relationship with the person he is talking to. 5% chance of flirting being received positively.

It was only as I saw that in front of my face and how much the blush on Compa's face had deepened that I realised there was something very wrong with what I just said. The statement was true, and I was thinking it, but that wasn't the kind of thing I would ever have the confidence to say out loud. I don't know if you've noticed while reading this, but I'm slightly awkward when it comes to interacting with people. I hadn't meant to say it out loud, so why had I …?

Rob: What's up, Philip? Confused?

The sudden text that popped up in front of my eyes nearly had me jumping out of my seat. Neptune was in too much of a pudding-high to notice, but I suddenly felt rather irritated.

Can I assume you have something to do with this, Rob the Bastard? I asked him in my mind. He had heard my thoughts about what I had just said, so I assumed he could hear me then. I was right.

Rob: Why so aggressive, Philip? I've only gone and made this little adventure of yours a little more like one of those visual novels you're so fond of playing and watching on YouTube.

… What the hell did you do, Rob the Bastard …?

Rob: Why, I just reworked you a little so that you say all that overly flattering stuff that comes into your head. You know, like all those visual novel protagonists who say all that sweet, mushy shit, then get all shocked and surprised when girls started falling for them.

You've turned me into a … into a … YOU'VE TURNED ME INTO A FUCKING HAREM PROTAGONIST!?

Rob: Yep, that's about the gist of it. It's good to see you catch on so quickly. Now I'm going to leave you, and I'm afraid you won't be hearing from me for quite some time. Ciao~

DON'T YOU DARE JUST UP AND LEAVE, YOU MENTAL SON OF A BITCH!

The sheer amount of anger I felt that was directed directly toward Rob the Bastard was coursing through my body, and I'm pretty sure I could feel steam rising from my ears.

"Why d'you look so angry all of a sudden, Philly?" asked Neptune.

I took several deep breaths in order to calm myself down. It didn't get rid of all the anger, but it got rid of enough. "Someone's just made themselves my enemy for the rest of time," I said.

"Those R.O.B.s are a bitch, aren't they?"

"Oh, you have no ide— What?"

"What?"

"Are you trolling me right now?"

"No, of course I'm not trolling you."

"Are you sure? 'Cause it feels like you're trolling me."

That exchange when on for awhile. It didn't stop until Compa came back and put more pudding in front of Neptune, who drained that bowl like she was a hoover.

"Your home-made pudding was a blast, Compa!" said Neptune after she'd finished what I thought was her sixth bowl.

"I'm happy you liked it," Compa said, smiling. "By the way, what are you two planning on doing now?"

"Well, I want to know what happened, so I'll go back to where I was found."

"I'd rather like that, an' all," I said. One thing I hadn't thought about was that my lie about not knowing why I had been falling from the sky was going to be quite useful when it came to finding a reason to stick with these two. "I have all my memories, but I don't remember why I was falling from the sky … I want to find out what happened."

Lie Successful!

Quest Alert!

You have become acquainted with Neptune and Compa, but Neptune is having some problems with memory loss. Accompany the two to the Virtua Forest and see what you can find.

Success: 100 XP. Increased closeness with Neptune and Compa.
Failure: You, Neptune, and Compa die horribly.

"Ooh!" said Compa. "Then, I can take you guys there!" She glanced at all the empty bowls of pudding that were left on the table. "But first, I think I'd better clean all this up."

"Oh, uh, I'll do that," I said, picking up a few of the bowls and carrying them to the sink.

"Philip, you don't have to do that," said Compa.

"After you dragged me in here and took care of me, it's the least I can do. L-Leave it all to me, Compa."

"Ooh, looks like Philly's a gentleman type," Neptune said teasingly.

I felt my face heat up, but I was thankful to be facing away from the other two, so they couldn't see it. Truthfully, I did feel like I owed Compa after she found me outside and brought me in with Neptune. There was another reason, though. I wanted to be as far on everyone's good side as I could get, as I have never really been one for hostility and arguments, so I was planning on trying my damned hardest to make sure those things never happened, at least not with me involved.

That was easier said than done, as it turned out in future.

On the positive side, I got a skill called "Dish Washing."

Planeptune was, in a word, amazing. All of the buildings were futuristic, pristine, and white to the point where it was nearly blinding to look at them. It almost reminded me of the city from Mirror's Edge, except the buildings aren't so tightly packed together, and they're white for a reason other than to make the path the player needs to take conveniently visible against the backdrop.

As we walked, I found that I was tripping over and stumbling a lot more than usual, leading Neptune and Compa to occasionally having to steady me. Even with my dyspraxia, which messed up my sense of balance enough that I couldn't walk in a straight line most of the time, I had never had quite this much trouble with movement. Thinking about it, I decided it must have been my sudden change in body; being taller than I originally was was giving my balance some issues, but I was sure I would get over those. I just explained it away to the other two as still being slightly disoriented from when I had fallen from the sky, and they seemed to buy that just fine.

"Wow!" Neptune said, her own thoughts apparently mirroring my own. A smile tugged at the corners of my lips when I thought about how she was basically blown away by the vision of her own land. "This place is huge! So guys, what's this city called?"

"This is Planeptune," said Compa. "It's a city that Lady Purple Heart presides over."

"And she certainly does quite the job of it, too," I said, looking around, trying to hide my amazement and pretend I'd been there before. "This place really is a sight to behold."

"Planeptune?" asked Neptune. "The name sounds really familiar …"

"It sounds like your name, Nep-Nep," said Compa.

"Except Compa can pronounce it," I said, grinning a little. The girl in question went slightly red, then turned away from me with a cute little hmph sound. "Oh … um … sorry, Compa. That was mean …"

She looked back at me, sighing after a few moments. "It's all right, Philip," she said. I was pleased to have such a forgiving friend; some of what came out of my mouth was a little … insensitive at times, even with my social awkwardness.

"So, now that you two have had your moment for establishing a little more personality, where are we going?" asked Neptune. "Should I bring something with me?"

"Well … I dunno," I said, shrugging. "I was just as unconscious as you were."

"No need to worry," Compa said. "We're just heading to the park, right outside the city."

"Really?" asked Neptune. "That's good! I really don't like carry … Wait a sec …"

"How were you even going to make that sentence make sense?" I asked, but was ignored. That kind of irritated me, because I had always wondered what Neptune was going to say that would make "I don't really like carry …" make sense.

Neptune wandered over to a dumpster and immediately plunged her face into it, rummaging around like she was looking for something. My face heated up to temperatures I had never felt before, as the skirt part of her hoodie was very short, and since she was bending into the dumpster, I got a full view up it. Her panties were light blue and white with stripes, just like her socks.

I bent my head forward and aimed my eyes directly at my feet, lest I be tempted to allow my perverted side out to play early.

Fanservice … I thought in despair. Of bloody course there was going to be fanservice … Rob the Bastard, beware, for I am a self-insert protagonist, and one day I will have a very particular set of skills, skills that could prove quite troublesome for an R.O.B. like you. One day, Rob the Bastard, I will find you, and I will—

"Nep-Nep, what are you doing rummaging through the garbage?" Compa asked, cutting off my thoughts.

"No …" I muttered in despair. "No!" I said it louder that time. I fell to my knees and yelled to the heavens. "You maniac! You ruined the meme! Damn you! Damn you right to hell!"

A skill has been created through a special act. The skill "Referencing" has been created.

Referencing. Passive. Lvl Max. Allows the user to make jokes in relation to works of fiction or things real people have said. Due to the nature of the Neptunia universe, the activation of this skill is entirely involuntary.

"You get all that referencing outta your system?" Neptune asked me, an eyebrow raised.

"Yeah … I, er, I think I'm good now," I said, standing back up. It would seem that the sheer amount of references contained in the Neptunia games was influencing my behaviour just a little. Unlike Rob the Bastard turning me into a harem protagonist, however, this was the kind of behaviour modification that I could happily live with, though I would probably experience my fair share of embarrassment due to it along the way.

"Good." She started waving around what looked like a carefully shaped piece of wood. "Look what I found, you two! A sword! Well, it's made of wood, but hey, it's a sword!"

"I see that, but what are you gonna use that for, Nep-Nep?" asked Compa.

"Um … LARPing?"

"Um, okey-dokey, Nep-Nep."

Immediately after all that, we started making way for the Virtua Forest. I knew what was going to happen, but they didn't, and to be honest I would have preferred it if they didn't know I knew. I've read a lot of self-insert fanfiction in my time, and I've seen many characters explain how they have foreknowledge of the world they're in, but something told me that they'd be a lot less … forgiving about such a thing in real life. Well, Neptune and Vert would probably find it quite cool that they're a video game in another world, but the others … not so much.

I would try to use my foreknowledge to do some good, and I would keep it a secret for as long as possible. I didn't know if it would be possible to keep something like that from Histoire, given her nature, but I would do my best. I didn't like lying, but I've never liked to be confrontational with people I like, either, so the lie would have to stick for the time being.

I'll try and help in any way I can, I promised in my mind. And I'll try to make the outcome in the battle against Arfoire as positive as possible … that's assuming I have the ability to do that …

Then the thought really hit me.

Arfoire.

If I could stop her from gaining all the CPUs' power, then things might really go our way. If I couldn't use my foreknowledge for something like that, what could I use it for?

But if it came down to doing something that would give away my foreknowledge, I didn't think I would be able to handle the confrontation. Knowing me, I would probably run away rather than face everyone after that. I was already rather fond of Neptune and Compa, and I could only assume that I would grow equally as fond of the other characters …

As thoughts of my predicament raced through my mind, two words emerged at the surface of my thoughts, and they summed up my thoughts on the situation perfectly.

This bites!

It was as that thought went through my mind that I heard a sudden ringing noise. Neptune and Compa didn't seem to hear it, and they kept on walking and chatting animatedly. After a moment, I saw something flashing in the bottom left of my vision – another icon, this one looking something like a mobile phone. I clicked it with my finger, and a phone appeared in my right hand with a text message on it from someone I had a strange feeling I knew …

GD: Man up, Pussy! It's time for the fun times to begin!

… Rob the Bastard, I swear to God, if you've given me a comedic sidekick that can only communicate via text, I'm going to find you and punch you in the face until you're barely recognisable as human …

Did any of you catch the reference to another self-insert at the end, there? It's one of the best stories I've read on the site, and if you know what it is, then I have automatic respect for your taste in reading material. Please commemorate this new found friendship by following, favouriting, and reviewing.

lol. Just kidding! XD

In all seriousness, I've never written a self-insert before, so any comments would be appreciated. What did I do well? What could I do to improve next time? It's important that I know how to do as well as I can with this. I may be using the Neptunia games as a way to parody the self-insert genre as much as the games parody other games, but I still want this to be a good story.

Parodying visual novels was a thought that occurred to me early in the writing process, and after some thought, I thought it would be funny enough to use. As I said, this was originally going to be just OC/Noire, but the opportunity for more comedy presented itself, and I leapt up to grab it. The harem won't be overly large, though, I'm gonna make that clear right now. It'll only consist of the main characters, the ones we spend the entire story with, and not the ones who pop in every now and then just to leave shortly afterwards. The CPUs, Compa, and IF are about the extent of it, at least for this first story.

The mysterious, vulgar GD may appear in person at some point, but he certainly won't be what you're expecting. He's a tribute to my friend GreenDo, who is the one who suggested using my dyspraxia as an ailment and also having Philip be effected by the sudden change in height. He also suggested I get rid of the trenchcoat and fedora because it makes my character feel too much like an "edgelord," but what happened in the end was I thought of something funny to do with it. You'll see that later on.

I hope you've all enjoyed, and I'll see you next time!