CHAPTER 1

Unfocused blue eyes blearily opened, scanning the surroundings for anything familiar. It appeared to be a hospital room, not huge, but contained an IV drip amongst other things all hooked up to him somehow or another. For once he didn't fight it though. He hardly had the strength to finger the cold metal bracelet around his wrist much less go marching out of here on his own, much as he would like to.

Pieces were beginning to come back to him now. At least once he had already woken up here, but… Where exactly was here? And how did he get here?

An attractive looking strawberry blond entered the room wearing an obnoxiously bright pair of yellow scrubs. He knew her, if only he could remember the name. It wasn't all that important though, he realized; she was a shrink. A shrink that was telling him exactly nothing and probably enjoying it. He'd liked to have strangled the information out of her, but that wasn't even a remote possibility he knew. For one, she was armed with a readily accessible supply of tranquilizers; and secondly, he could barely move his arms, believed there was a good possibility he was paralyzed from the waist down altogether.

"How are you doing today Mr. Hawke?" the overly cheery woman queried.

Just dandy. He was stuck in an unfamiliar hospital, in a lot of pain, couldn't think straight, much less walk that way, and didn't know anyone here. How did he think he was doing?

"What happened to me?"

"We'll get to that all in good time. I want to know how you're doing first though."

He was liking her less and less by the minute.

He didn't know where the strength came from, but he abruptly grabbed her by the arm, pulling her down to his level. "I want to know what happened to me and why no one ever visits, every detail. And I want to know it now."

Startled, the woman hesitated briefly but quickly realized he was not hr average patient, and she was going to have to work on his time schedule if she was ever to get rid of this new disruption to her life.

"My brother, Dom, Cait, even Le - I want to know now."

"I'm sorry," she replied, letting out a deep breath. "I don't know who you're referring to when you say your brother. Saint John, the only one I've been told about, is still MIA."

"MIA? That's impossible. He's back. I brought him back myself- We were all up at the cabin…"

"It could have been a dream of something; sometimes the mind, especially a traumatized one, has a way of playing some cruel tricks on people. He's definitely not back though, the best guess is somewhere around the Vietnam-Cambodia border."

It couldn't be true, could it? He'd seen him, been able to hug the frail body to his own. That couldn't all be fabricated by some cruel game of his mind. It just couldn't.

"What about the others?" he asked again, this time somewhat more hesitantly.

"There was an accident, a crash I'm told, that's what landed you here in the first place. Dominic Santini and another passenger were presumed dead, killed instantly. Le van Hawke has been missing nearly two weeks now since a day after the accident, and I don't know anything about this Cait you're talking about."

Dom gone, no Saint John, no sign of Le or Cait…. Her words resounded through his head and his heart sank.

"What about the other passenger -was an identification made?"

"They tried, but the body was too badly burned, not useable dental records either."

He loosened his grip on her arm and finally let it fall away, suddenly drained of all energy.

"I'll come back later on," the woman offered, sympathetically patting his hand, "after you've had a while for everything to settle in. I know it's a lot, just wish I could do something to make it easier." With that said, she left the room and he drifted off again.

\A/

The next time he woke the cherry nurse was standing over him changing the IV bag, a pleased look spreading across her face as she saw him waking.

"Hey sleepy head," she greeted, "thought you'd slipped away from us again."

"Wha- what do you mean?" he queried on an exhausted whisper.

"You've been borderline comatose for the last two days."

"Are you always such a wealth of positive energy?"

"I try to be. You think I'm a shrink don't you?" she asked abruptly, looking somewhat amused.

"Aren't you?"

"Actually no. I don't even work here."

"Then what do you think you're doing with my-"

"Hold your horses, I'm not doing anything illegal yet."

"Then what would you call it?"

"I volunteer here. At lease I did, today was supposed to be my last day. If you were a little more stable I'd be tempted to take you with me. Unfortunately, I'm not sure you would handle it so well."

"Why? I sincerely doubt you find me that endearing."

"Actually I do find you somewhat charming, and I'm sure it would be more so if you hadn't spent so much time in the hospital lately.

"Really I am this difficult all the time, just ask…." he trailed off, not bothering to explain his sudden lack of interest.

"Just ask who?"

"Never mind," he answered tersely. "It doesn't matter anymore.'

"What is-" she stopped suddenly. "I'm guessing you were going to say one of the friends you mentioned earlier?"

"Not one of my friends, my only friends. They were all the family I had, and if they're gone… what's the point anymore?"

"Not everything is lost - you're still alive. There has to be some reason for that."

"Who was flying?"

"Who- when?"

"The crash, who was flying when we crashed?"

"Who ever said anything about flying? They told me you'd never remember the accident."

"I don't, but it's rare we're all driving together. Flying is a lot more likely."

"You were. Honestly, none of the doctors can figure out how you're still alive, even in your current condition."

"Dammit, why can't it be me for once, why not me?"

"Settle down or you'll get me kicked out of here," she warned. "What's your problem anyway? I know it's a lot to take in at once, but it's no reason for a death wish."

"Because it's always me. I'm always the one they can't figure out, always the sole survivor."

"You mean this has happened before?"

"Similar circumstances, always the same conclusion."

"Would you care to expound?"

"My parents died in a boating accident while only my brother and I lived; my fiancé was killed in a car crash that I walked away from. To top it off, in Vietnam both my brother and I were shot down on the same mission, but only one of us was picked up. And there's more. Should I continue? Throughout my life people have gotten hurt and killed all around me, yet somehow I'm still here. Can you explain that one to me? I sure wish someone would."

"I really have no experience in this field, and if there are many like you, and I hope there aren't many in the same place you are. I do have sympathy for you, and I would like to do all I can to help, but truthfully I don't know where to start.'

"You could start with telling me what's wrong with me and when I can get out of here."