Hi again.
Ewan and Jude blink into existence
Ewan and Jude: We're baaaaack!
The muses.
A bear blinks into existence as well and starts to chase them
Ewan and Jude: AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!
I actually wrote this a long time ago. Back in like February or something. So it'll be outdated. Believe it or not, this was not my original story. Nope. This was originally an honest to God AU that I attempted to write. About a few pages into it, however, I completely lost it and re-wrote it as a cruel parody. So basically, I'm poking fun at myself…if that makes any sense.
Awkward silence, except for Ewan and Jude's screams in the background
But Moulin Rouge AU's are pretty cool. Though we all know the very best AU out there is A Story About Love by She's A Star and I command that each one of you go to my favorites list and read it! It will make your life spiffy. But I hope you guys like this one too. And I think if you're the type with a twisted sense of humor, you will like it.
Bear: RAAAAAWR!!!
And now, I disclaim! Tis Baz's.
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The AU of Doom!
By: GollumRox
It was all her fault.
Yup, there was no denying it. Christian knew he was sitting in this janitor's closet getting eaten alive by children half-evolved into badgers from being in there for too many years all because of her. It was HER doing!
"Get off me!" Christian growled as he shoved a badger off his back who was having a go at his shoulder. "You too!" he yelled at a badger with a napkin tied around his neck anxiously holding a fork and knife.
"Ohh…" the badger groaned and went back to his rat corpse.
Christian thought of joining them because he was pretty hungry himself. No, he had to get out of this stupid closet.
Wait, wait, wait. Back up. Why don't we start from the BEGINNING of the story and explain exactly what it is?
The readers threw their arms in the air and squealed in delight like children on a sugar high…mostly because they WERE children on a sugar high.
§
Warpy McWarperson. And now we are at the beginning!
§
GollumRox shivered immensely and wished she'd had a sweatshirt on…then she went and got one out of her closet. But she didn't put it on until her muse informed her to do so. Her mind just wasn't the same after miserably failing her driver's test.
"Minus four is not failing, Forkie!" Ewan McGregor kept reminding her. "Minus 25 is failing."
"I know," GollumRox sighed to her muse. "But I still could've done better."
She sighed yet again and felt like writing something completely random to ease her troubled and tormented mind.
"I feel like writing something completely random to ease my troubled and tormented mind," she said finally.
"Kay," Ewan shrugged.
"Send me subliminal messages."
"Kee dokee."
And so they sat in silence. But not for long.
"AHH! AH, GOD! GET IT OUT! GET IT OUT!!!" GollumRox commenced banging her head on the desk.
"Well, you didn't say exactly WHAT images I should send you subliminally. Tee hee."
Oh, that stupid little Scottish prick. He would pay.
GollumRox leapt up, ripped the guitar out from under her bed, paused to apologize to her Mexican stalker for whacking him in the face during the process, set the guitar down on the bed to unlatch the five clips on the case, opened the case, took out the guitar, tuned it, and proceeded to slam it into the side of Ewan's head.
"Give me PURE subliminal messages!" she screeched.
"Okay, okay. Jeez…" he complied, rubbing his head. That was going to hurt tomorrow.
And so they sat in silence and this time it lasted longer.
"Yey!" GollumRox cheered throwing her arms into the air.
"Did you think of something?"
"No! Drew Barrymore's hosting Saturday Night Live tonight!"
Ewan stuck a gun into his mouth.
"Ah, ah, ah. You have to keep musing me," GollumRox scolded, taking the gun from him.
"Bugger."
"I got it though. Woo hoo!" And so GollumRox sat at her computer, opened her word processor and typed the words: 'The AU of Doom!'.
And so it began.
§
Christian took a sip from his mocha latte and raised his $40 sunglasses slightly from his face with his free hand to get a better glance at the hot babe he was checking out. The hot babe was, in fact, Cameron Diaz fresh out of the shower. She had a towel loosely draped around her glossy body and her hair was stringy and dripping with water. Even though she had no make up on, she still looked just as perfect as she always did.
Impressively leaning back onto his Dodge Viper, Christian decided to come onto her with his boyish charm.
"So, Cameron," he droned in his smooth, boyishly charming voice. "How was that shower?"
Cameron stopped where she was to take a good look at Christian casually leaning against his fancy car, wearing his fancy clothes, sipping his fancy mocha latte and smiled.
"GO TO HELL!!!" she suddenly burst out causing Christian to tumble backwards into his Viper.
It was a convertible.
Cameron flipped her hair ever so snootily and strutted off the movie studio lot, later slamming head-on into a delivery truck from sticking her head up too high to see in front of her.
Christian laboriously climbed out of his Viper and stared after her. About 6 seconds later, he realized his mocha latte spilled all over his $86.49 shirt and he carried out the first action that crossed his mind.
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!" he wailed as tears of frustration streamed down his cheeks.
Mary Hart stepped into view from Christian's right.
"No one understood why Cameron Diaz acted the way she did in front of co-star Christian Slater. She did, however, think up a good hoax explaining her broken nose from slamming head-on into the delivery truck. Surfing. Good one, Cameron."
She giggled at her own joke as Christian kept wailing behind her.
"Anyways. We all know that this was a tragedy the entertainment world will always remember as 'the tragedy we got a good story on. Thanks a lot, Christian Slater and Cameron Diaz for making our lives worthwhile'. I'm Mary Hart for Entertainment Tonight signing off. Back to you, Michael."
The scene immediately changed to the ET headquarters and all its shiny golden goldness. And pretty lights.
Gold.
"Thanks, Mary," chirped Michael Jackson, who was guest hosting that night. "Gotta love that Christian Slater. I loved Lord of the Flies. He was so great as Frodo Baggins."
There was an extremely long pause before Michael brushed back a lock of his hair, which immediately fell back into place, and continued ever so fruitily.
"And now for our top story. Did I sleep with a little boy or not? We go to me for complete details. Michael?" Mr. Jackson rolled his chair to the end of the counter. "Thank you, Michael. By the way, you're looking very nice today. Did you get another face lift?" Michael pushed his chair to the other end of the counter. "Why, yes I did, Michael. How nice of you to notice." He rolled to the other end again. "Yes, I thought your face looked a little tighter than last—"
Suddenly the image of Michael Jackson in the shiny, spiffy, golden ET headquarters turned into a black screen.
Christian tossed the remote onto the end table and raised himself from the couch. Nothing good was ever on TV in the morning.
He was so extremely nervous about starting high school that he was desperately trying to find something to do to take his mind off it. All night he stayed up reading his Harry Potter books, writing in his di—I mean journal, and playing Egyptian Ratscrew with himself.
Which is extremely difficult to do.
He'd heard his share of stories about the notorious students in the Milwaukee high schools and really wasn't thrilled about being around them.
Especially since he'd get beat up by the nerds at his old high school.
Heh heh. Loser.
Finally Christian just dashed to the plant in the living room for the sixth time that morning and vomited into the dirt.
This made the plant very sad.
§
"Carolyn, I have a question," Christian announced over breakfast a few hours later. Since there was no mother in the household, the breakfasts always consisted of Top Ramen.
"I have an answer," Christian's gothic sister replied rather smart alecky as she slurped up a large amount of shrimp-flavored noodles.
"What's our last name?"
Carolyn thought for a long time while she drummed her black fingernails on the counter.
"Isn't it James?"
"That's what I thought too but I heard it was Adams."
"Adams…" Carolyn fell into deep thought. "I'm not quite sure. Just say it's Iggins. That's what I tell people."
"That won't work, Carolyn, because my middle name is Iggins. I can't be Christian Iggins Iggins."
"Well, you're screwed then."
After a slightly long pause, their father, Billy Bob, was heard tumbling down the stairs.
"God dammit! Who put those stairs here?!"
"Dad's awake. Why don't you ask him?" Carolyn suggested before tossing her spoon and slurping down the entire bowl of Ramen.
"Ask me what?" Billy Bob inquired suddenly appearing next to them.
Carolyn choked on her Ramen, resulting in a few noodles hanging out of her nose.
"That's sick." Christian tore from his gaze to look at his father. "I was just wondering what our last name was."
"You mean you don't know by now?" Billy Bob asked, leaning on a bobble-head, immediately falling over from the lack of support.
"No. I've heard it was like 20 different things. I'm not sure which one it is."
Billy Bob leapt up, tried replacing the bobble-head to no avail, and decided to toss it out the window.
"Well, Chrissy honey, our last name is Timperline of course."
§
Mrs. Cowwe grunted and let out a rather loud and wet fart as she heaved up the garbage bag into the can.
"God dammit," she muttered through the 5 cigarettes between her lips. "Why do our kids have to kill so many cats?"
At her last word, she felt something small but hard pelt her on the top of the head, causing her to drop the garbage bag, stumble backwards and impale herself on the water meter.
"What the hell was that?" she coughed as all her cigarettes fell to the ground. "Aw, mah ciggies."
She reached down to pick them up, the 10 second rule still applying, only to find a Toni Kukoc bobble-head lying on the ground.
"Ahh! The sky's falling! We're all gonna die! MUTHERRR!!!" And so Mrs. Cowwe threw up her flabby arms and ran around in circles in a complete panic before her genetically enhanced German shepherd lunged at her, ripped out her throat, and trotted off to bury it.
§
"But Dad, I thought our last name was Iggins!" Carolyn protested.
"Shut up, Carolyn. Our last name had been Timperline ever since 1999. Besides, what's it matter to you since you're going to marry and change your name anywho!"
"Well, jeez. I thought it was Iggins."
"Well, thanks for telling me, Dad," Christian sighed, and returned to his Ramen.
Like a good father, Billy Bob sensed the depression in his son and, like a good father, he shoved Carolyn out of her chair and sat in it.
"What's wrong, Chrissy Poo? You seem sad."
"Kay, for one thing, don't ever call me Chrissy Poo again. Secondly, I'm just nervous about starting school here. I mean, I got a lot of crap back in Lan—"
"Hey!" Billy Bob yelled, smacking Christian upside the head. "You watch your mouth around me, little boy! Shit!"
"Sorry. Anyways, as I was saying, I wasn't treated well back in Lansing and I just know that by going to a school full of drug addicts and degenerates I possibly won't survive."
"Christian, Christian, Christian," Billy Bob sighed, placing his arm around Christian's shoulders. "There are times when you get suckered in by drugs and alcohol and sex with women, mkay? But it's when you do these things too much that you become an addict and you must get back in touch."
Both Christian and Carolyn stopped what they were doing to stare at their father who was gazing into space with a stupid grin on his face.
"…WHAT?!" they spit out in unison.
"I…don't…know. Don't listen to me, son. I'm just a paranoid, steroid-popping widower. Do you actually EXPECT me to give you good advice in the state I'm in?"
"…I guess not," Christian sighed.
Jeez, he sure does sigh a lot, huh?
"That's my boy!" Billy Bob slapped Christian a little too hard on the back causing him to go into a massive coughing spell. "Off to school, you two!"
Billy Bob leapt off the chair, colliding with Carolyn, causing her to fall backwards onto the Toni Kukoc shrine, tipping over all the candles, and setting the rug on fire.
"Jeezum Crowe, Carolyn! Watch where you're going! Put that rug out, why don't ya." Billy Bob bolted out of the room leaving Christian and Carolyn to slap the rug with their hands until the fire was out.
"Darn. Now the Bucks rug is scorched. We have to get a new one today so Dad won't notice," Christian sighed.
Carolyn lifted the scorched Bucks rug and turned it over so that the Packers side was facing up. The two siblings stared at the rug for a long, long time.
"You'll have to hurry," Carolyn finally said.
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Good, yah? No? It gets better. BTW, the 'Cowwes' are based on my evil demonic neighbors who thankfully moved away a few weeks ago. Hopefully they'll move to a bomb testing area in New Mexico and get blown up. Ah, if only. Anyways, go on and give me some feedback, my darlings! Vaminos!
Ewan: AAAAHHHHHHH!!!
Jude: AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!
Bear: RAAAAAWWWWRRRRR!!!