Author's note: Hi everyone, so I say it in the summary of the story but there are trigger warnings. Mainly for self-harm and possibly suicide or attempts, and also torture. This isn't going to be in every chapter but I feel the need to put a note up in the beginning so that you all don't get invested in this story and then are unable to read it because of triggers. There is a reason this is rated M. Now, I hope you all enjoy this story. My friend and I worked really hard on it and I'm proud of it. I'm going to try and upload a chapter once a week.

-Catnip851

Quiet sobs wrack Draco's body, the tears flowing freely down his face. He feels like he hasn't slept in a thousand years, his limbs heavy with shame and sorrow. As he sits atop the clock tower and looks down, his hands clutch one of the posts as the wind moves his hair. His hands clench around the railing of the tower, knowing in his heart that this could very well be the last time he is ever here. After tonight – after what he has allowed to happen – this is the end of Hogwarts as he knows it. This is the end of his life as he knows it. This is the beginning of war. Because of him.

"Alyssa was right," Draco whispers, wondering if he would survive a fall from up here, remembering. "She was right... I should have –" his heart jumps into his throat and he cannot finish the thought, instead torn by his last memory of the girl he loves.

5 Months Ago

"Draco, this isn't a good idea. I don't care what You-Know-Who Threatened you with. You can't kill Dumbledore," Alyssa whispered to him, one late winter night.

Draco shivered, the December air causing him to feel terribly cold despite his warm cloak. The clock tower was beautiful then, too, with thousands of tiny pinpricks of light showering them like a midnight sun, and the tolling of the timekeeper lifting life setting life into a gentle rhythm. But the tower offered no protection against the bitter winter wind. He smiled shallowly at Alyssa. "I don't have a choice. He might not kill my father, but he would kill my mother. He would... he would kill you..." He trailed off for a moment, memorizing her face with his eyes. "I love you both so much. I can't let any harm come to you. To either of you."

Draco wrapped his arms around Alyssa, and she melted into the warmth of them. In this moment, he remembers wondering if she might let him forget his task – if only for a moment. If she had, would things have been different? But instead, Alyssa sighed, her lips curved slightly downwards.

"Couldn't you just let Snape do it? I know, honor and loyalty and everything, but... Draco, he made the Unbreakable Vow."

Draco turned away from her, his heart heavy as he shook his head. "I wish I could. You know how much I wish–"

Suddenly, Alyssa perked up, her eyes sharpening into the darkness of the castle at night.

Draco looked down at her, his ears ringing with silence. "What?" He asks. Alyssa put a finger to her mouth, silently telling Draco to be quiet, as she listened intently.

Draco watched her with admiration. Alyssa had always been able to hear things before anyone else. Footsteps, talking, the first sign of birds chirping in the morning, even an animal climbing up the trees at night. Whenever she listened, her head would tilt to the side, as if one ear could hear better than the other. Her dark hair hung like a curtain and her grey eyes were curious and stormy. Finally, Draco heard three pairs of footsteps at least a minute after Alyssa did. His body grew tense, and he drew his wand as the noises grew closer and ever more daunting. He could feel the blood coursing through his veins, and he instinctively shielded his girlfriend. But Alyssa let out a nearly silent scoff and moved in front of him just as Potter, Weasley and Granger came into view. They jumped when they spotted Draco and Alyssa, both in an offensive stance.

"Bloody hell, what are you two doing here?" Weasley questioned.

"I should ask you three the same question, Weasley." Snapped Draco. Alyssa puts her hand on his arm, silently willing him to take the high road. "It's after hours."

"We were just out for an evening walk." Potter answered, haughtily as always. "What's your excuse? Snogging in the corridors?" He eyed Alyssa. "With your new Witch of the Week, I see." Weasley smirked at this.

Draco let out a growl and raised his wand at the green-eyed boy, intending with every inch of his being to strike Potter down. But Alyssa placed a soft, firm hand on his arm and guided in back to his side.

"Actually, we thought we'd get some fresh air. Clear our heads," She answered, her head held high.

"You're Inkwood, aren't you?" Granger ventured, slightly more friendly than her two companions. "Alyssa, right?"

Alyssa nodded her confirmation coolly, taking the other girl in. "You're a sixth year like us," the brown-haired witch continued. "I don't think we've... really met."

"Hermione!" Ron scowled, his face grim as he pulled her back towards him. "Don't try and play nice with Malfoy's new toy. She's just like the rest of them."

"SHUT UP!" Draco bellowed, his hand flying to his wand. "You dirty mudbloods don't belong anywhere near us!" His eyes were wild, his hands shaking, but his grip on his wand strong as iron. His vision seemed to go blurry at this moment, and the next thing he remembers is Alyssa holding him as he collapses into her grip, the trio long gone.

"I hate them–" he managed through gritted teeth. "This is why– this is why I have to do this! Because if I don't – it's going to be people like them, in charge. Blood traitors and dirty mudbloods – you know I can't let that happen, Alyssa. You know it."

He cupped her face in his hands, but she didn't look at him. How could he have known this would be the last time he would hold her this way? "I have to do this," He repeated.

She shook her head out of his grip, pushed away from him. "I know," She said, bitterly, as she walked out of his life. "And so do I."

Suddenly, the stairs behind Draco creek, pulling him out of his trance and back into wartorn reality. He stands awkwardly, knees weak and wobbly, heart shattered, and pulls out his wand with shaking hands.

"Who – who's there?" Draco questions to the silence. "I've – I've got my wand drawn!"

There are the sounds of footsteps against wood, and Draco attempts to steel himself for an encounter with Bellatrix or Mad-Eye Moody – and for the first time in his life, he has no idea which would be preferable.

"I'm not here to hurt you, Mr. Malfoy," a sturdy and strangely familiar voice calls from around the corner. "I'm coming over with my wand up."

Draco has to blink a few times to understand and recognize the man standing in front of him. Tattered robes, scarred face, and yet – an effervescent, knowing smile. "Professor Lupin?" The young wizard gaggles at his former teacher, who seems not to have aged a day. "How did you –"

"Oh, Draco," Lupin nods kindly. "The Order has friends, too, you know. A little bird told us we might find you here." He glances up at the sky for a moment, his gaze soft. "This was one of our favourite places, when we were young. James Potter used to take Lily up here, you know. I've heard it's quite – the destination."

Draco swallows hard, his throat closing slightly on itself. His fingers tighten on his wand as he tries desperately not to think of the woman he lost before the war even began. "You'd better get out of here, halfbreed. Don't think I won't kill you just like –"

"Just like you tried to kill Dumbledore?" Lupin shakes his head, as if trying to rid himself of an awful dream – a motion Draco has become all too accustomed to in the past few months. "We – we lost a good man, tonight. One of the best." Lupin's words are punctuated by heaving breaths, as he tries not to cry. "And as much as I would like to hex you off of this tower for the part you played in it –" with a power that Draco has never seen from the soft-spoken professor, Lupin raises his wand, a fire in his green eyes. But then, just as suddenly, it is gone, replaced with pain. "As it would seem, you have a friend in the Order who has asked – insisted – that we give you a second chance."

Draco shakes his head, uncomprehendingly. "Don't be stupid, Professor. You know where my allegiances lie. You all do!"

Lupin gives him a wry smile. "I suspected you would say as much. Well, assuming that you don't kill me on my way back, I'll tell her you said that."

And it's as if all the air has been sucked from the world. "Her." Draco turns the word over in his mouth, heart racing, wand lowering ever-so-slightly. It couldn't be. Alyssa had moved on – literally. After that night, he hadn't seen her again – Draco had assumed her parents had pulled her from school, with everything happening. She had begged him to leave the Death Eaters, begged him to see reason, and when he hadn't – it hurt too much to think about.

"What – what have you done to her?" He asks, voice shaking more than he would ever like to admit. "What have you done?"

"Done?" Lupin raises an eyebrow. "She came to us. Insisted that we – she said there was still good in you. Clearly, she mustn't have known about tonight."

Draco's heart twinged painfully. So Alyssa had kept his secret. Why? It could have been a powerful bartering chip in earning the Order's protection – but, had she told them, they never would have considered trying to get him to jump ship. She's protecting me, he realized, his breath quickening. Alyssa's still looking out for me, even after all this time.

And maybe it was the wind, or the ringing in his ears from the battle below them, but Draco could have sworn he heard her whisper, "Always."

So he swallowed his pride and took a deep breath. "Okay," he said to Lupin. "Take me to the Order."