Missed Chances. Miss You.

"how could I ever let you get away?" Brittany asked me, staring down at her hands.

"I don't know, I wish you didn't. I wish we could've been together longer. I wish we could've fought harder. But we didn't, and we can't." I say to her, willing her to understand it hurts me as much as it hurts her.

" Are you happy with her? Do you think it will last?" She sounds hopeful, it makes my heart hurt.

" I don't know. It's my first chance at happiness since you, it's not the same kind of happiness but it's my only shot."

"what do you mean, its not the same happiness?" She's getting that adorable wrinkle between her eyebrow, and her head cocked minutely to the side.

I need to explain it to her because to Brittany there is only happiness. And happiness is happiness. But I don't think I could get my words right. " I don't know how to explain without getting tongue tied and twisted. It's like... I don't know"

She takes my hands in hers, making gentle circles with her thumbs against the top of my hand. I close my eyes and let myself feel the calm. She always had a way of doing this, always knew what was just enough touch to slow my breathing and calm my pulse.

"you're okay, San," she says " just breathe."

Deep breath. " it's not as raw. With you whatever I felt you let me feel it. If I was happy you would let me bask in it. If I was pissed or sad you would talk to me just enough to see the logic but then you'd let me be. Let it soak and let me calm. You never tried to control my feelings. And I see now how much I should have appreciated that. But you let me be me, and you loved me for it."

"love," she said with a slight smile "I love you for it."

I smile back. "even now, rambling on, getting nervous and anxious, you let me feel it but you don't let it overwhelm me. When it comes to my heart you know exactly what to do. Like it comes natural to you or something. You know what im feeling when I feel it and you know how to make it better or how to wash it away. With her she gets it all wrong, when I'm happy she pushes, as if she's jealous of the emotion. If I'm upset she makes it worse not better. If i am anxious she ignores me. I don't know if I need to be patient with her. Wait for her to learn me, or if she never will. I can't see the euphoria with her like I did with you but maybe that's what I need. Not someone to love, but someone to show me something different."

She was staring down at our hands clasped together. I don't know if she felt the same thing that I did. I watched her watch our hands. Waiting for her to speak. "Something different. Is different what you want?"

I covered her hands, held between both of mine, giving a gentle squeeze so she would raise those blue eyes to meet mine. " you know what I want, it's you and it's been you for years. It's not about what I want right now, it's what I need. I wish it was with you. I told you I would always love you the most, I meant it then and I mean it now. "

I felt something on my hand, and looked down to see a single tear drop. My hand moved on it's own and cupped her chin, raising her face to look at me. What I saw let me know what she felt. In that second all her shields had dropped. It hurt her to see me with someone else, to watch me fight for a happiness that came so easily to the two of us. I felt torn, I knew what I wanted and what she wanted but I wanted to be ready for her. To be everything she deserves. Everything about us was perfect. The way we fit together seamlessly, how our skin and personality and love and doubts complimented each other flawlessly. Our very essence already knew one another, and I could feel mine screaming at me. Telling me that she is where I belong, this is home. I don't think I really needing convincing at all.

"I love you." she said, and in the way her voice carried those three words I knew.

That was it, I leaned in and kissed her.

Perfection.