WARNING: THIS IS A DESPAIR-FIC, AND HAS AN OOC!MAKOTO (If you read the summary... this shouldn't surprise you.)
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In the dark abyss of the night, an ominous, foreboding voice echoed out into the endless expanse of space.
"Tell me, child, do you believe monsters are born? Of malice? Of anger? Of hatred?"
.o0o.
"Together?" The first voice said. He looked across to the elder twins and put his hand between the three of them.
"Forever." The younger twin responded with a smile before placing her delicate hand atop the boys.
"And always." The final and eldest of the group, the elder twin, threw in as she placed her hand on top of theirs.
That was the promise the trio made. A promise to always be together, through thick and thin, no force on Earth should ever tear them apart. They relied on each other, they understood each other. They were the perfect little, happy group.
.o0o.
Learned Helplessness: A psychological term for a specific version of classical conditioning, in which an organism receives negative stimuli, often the form of physical punishments, upon attempting to act. The organism, after repeated punishments, learns if they try to do that specific action, they will receive that same stimulus. As such, even when the stimulus is no longer going to be applied, they have already given up all hope of performing the action.
You know, when my parents told me to be a good example for my imouto, now that she was beginning to remember things, words, phrases, and actions, I never imagined that meant having the weight of worlds placed upon my back.
I love Komaru, do not get me wrong, but I hate all that has happened since she started to remember things. My parents put an emphasis on my behavior. Now that I was the role model, the example, their star child. I had to be perfect because that meant Komaru had someone to look up to. At first, I didn't mind it. That was then, that was years ago. That was when I was a naive first-grade student. Then... classes got harder, the expectations rose, and that small seed of self-doubt, of fear, took root.
My parents never said a word about it. I never brought it up. Perhaps it's because of the expectations they had already placed on my back that I began to think for myself, and that became my undoing.
I was expected to be good, to do good, to know right from wrong, to be content to be that perfect little angel that was their first child.
I never brought up the stress I was feeling. I never told them about the pressure they placed on me. I never told them how inside my heart was hurting, how I wondered if this was what they wanted from me. I was slowly destroying myself with all this constant fretting, worrying, and self-doubt. I wondered was this who I wanted to even be? Or was this the person my parents wanted me to be?
Was I even my own person?
Did my friends even know the real me?
Did I even know which was the real me? The one my parents want me to be? The studious student my teachers think of? The smart kid, the loner, the odd one out that my classmates thought of? Or was I that lonely kid, who silently stared out his window at night, wondering if I was really there at all.
So I did the one thing I knew I could do. The one thing I knew was me, and ironically enough, it was the furthest thing from a real-self possible.
I decided to act. I decided to pretend everything was alright.
On one day, I was a bit busy with homework. However it wasn't due just yet, and I could hold off on it. It wasn't due for a while after all... But when I got home, my parents decided to bring Komaru out to the park, and as they were telling me they left, locked the door behind me while I was asking if I could come along.
But, I was fine! Honestly... I didn't mind it being left alone.
.o0o.
I had spent an incredible amount of time working on a free-write assignment. I decided to write about our family. Well, I never wrote our names, but it was meant to be about us. I got a note from the teacher about it too.
"Well done, Makoto! This is the best work I've read from a student in a long time. Your parents must be incredibly proud of you."
However, that day, kaa-san and Komaru were sick, and tou-san was out. I couldn't tell them about it because they needed their rest. I thought this was fine, I could always show them later... well... I did.
They didn't ask me about what I wrote. They didn't ask to see what I wrote. In fact, they told me good job, and told them they were busy, they had to watch over Komaru, she had been acting restless.
That night, I put away the paper, and never saw it again.
.o0o.
One day, I woke up to the sound of footsteps, I walked out of my room, blanket in hand.
My parents and Komaru were downstairs, dressed up and ready for the day. Kaa-san told me they made breakfast, but they were in a rush for a playdate for Komaru. I was admittedly jealous, I never had a play date. I tried to interrupt them, telling them I would like to go with them. I didn't want to be left alone again.
However, they were in such a rush and told me that I should practice for that play I mentioned last weekend that I said was coming up. They said they wanted to come see it, but as I was trying to get their attention they left the door again, locking it behind them.
That play was yesterday, and they never even asked about the play again.
.o0o.
At some point in time, I gave up. I pretended everything was alright, had a porcelain mask, that covered a cracked figure. I just accepted the fact that, Komaru was the youngest, they needed to take care of her. As her big brother, I shouldn't be jealous.
I suppose I just knew I couldn't do anything, so I didn't. It didn't bother me anymore, I was used to it, I just stuck to the one thing I knew best.
Act. Pretend everything was alright because it didn't matter anymore.
If my parents couldn't notice me, when I try my best for them, then I'll try my damned best at the one thing I do for myself.
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That sums up the prologue, I've been wracking my head around and thought to myself, "Wait... why am I making this longer?
This version had another 1k words to it, but I just felt there was no good cut off point, and I was trying to rush it, but there was no need to!
So this is it, this is the start-up to my Despair!Makoto fic.
What do you think?
Completely honest, I don't know if I am satisfied with this, but it's the best version I've been able to come up with.