Deep inside my head
Chapter 1
Post Christmas gloom was inevitably invading number 12 Grimmauld Place. First time in four years Harry was not looking forward to returning to Hogwarts. Going back to school once again would mean placing himself under the tyrany on Dolores Umbridge, there was no Quidditch to look forward to, there was every likelyhood that their burden of homework would increase as the exams drew even nearer and Dumbledore remained as remote as ever. Harry was ready to beg Sirius to let him leave Hogwarts and stay at most ancient and noble house of Black… Then, on the very last day of the holidays something happened that made Harry positively dread to return to school.
- Harry, Dear, said missis Weasley poking her head into his and Ron's bedroom, - could you come down to the kitchen, professor Snape would like a word with you.
Harry did not immediately register what she had said.
- Sorry missis Weasley, what did you say?
- Professor Snape, dear, in the kitchen, he'd like a word. Harry's mouth fell open in horror.
- Snape?. - said Harry blankly...
- Professor Snape, dear, - said missis Weasley reprovingly. - Come down quickly because he says he cant stay long.
- What he wants with you said Ron looking unnerved. You haven't done anything have you?
- No, said Harry quietly experiencing sinking sensation in his stomach…Harry's mind was racing, he couldn't have found out, it is impossible, he just couldn't, and how on earth could he?!
Being a part of the order Snape now was a fairly often guest at number 12 Grimmauld Place. He usually came and left quickly right after the order meeting never staying for dinner. Harry was sitting on the stairs watching him leave the sitting room first, Snape was swooping through the corridor not looking back, wrapping his pitch black travel cloak around him and dissapearing in without a single glance back slamming the door shut. Though that was not entirely true, couple of time Snape caught Harry watching him leave from the top of the stairs, and particularly yesterday, he looked the boy right in to the eyes for a split second and left.
Did Snape see something in Harry's face? Did he notice? is that even possible, to read his mind? But nothing else made sence. He was wrecking his brain on what he could have done to make Snape pursue him to Grimmauld Place. Had his last piece of homework perhaps earned a "T"? that would have been a best case scenario. A minute or two later he pushed open a kitchen door to find Sirius and Snape both seated at the long kitchen table glaring at oposite directions. A letter lay open on the table in front of Sirius.
- Em, said Harry to announce his presence, Snape looked around at him. An ugly flush suffused Snape's pale face.
- Sit down, Potter. Harry took a chair beside Sirius facing Snape across the table.
- I was supposed to see you alone Potter, said Snape the familiar sneer curling his mouth, Harry's stomach gave a lurch.. - but Black..
- I am his Godfather - said Sirius loudly. Shut it Sirius thought Harry heartily, bad time for your paternalistic feelings.
Snape opened his mouth prepared to a retort, but most unexpectedly to both Snape and Black Harry spoke:
- Could you leave us Sirius?
- What, Harry, are you sure? He is… started Sirius haughtily
- I am here on Dumbledore's order, said Snape, his voice by contrast becoming more and more quietly waspish, so I am not plotting to harm your precious Godson, but if you would like to feel involved by all means, you may stay.
- What is that suppose to mean? raising quickly and letting his chair fall back.
- Please interfered Harry again, could you leave Sirius. Something was telling him that this conversation was for his ears only.
Back left without another word giving Harry a nasty look.
- Now… Snape lip curled in triumph as he turned to Harry. The headmaster sent me to tell you Potter that it is his wish for you to study Occlumency this term. Oh, study, Harry though, feeling relieved.
- Study what? - said Harry blankly. Snape's sneer became more pronounced. Occ- lu - men - cy Potter. Magical defence of the mind against external penetration. An obscure branch of magic, kept going Snape, but Harry stopped listening. His heart became to pump very fast indeed: - defence against external penetration… that sounds shitty.
- Why do I have to study Occlu-thing? he blurted out. - will someone try to read my mind?
- Because a headmaster thinks it a good idea said Snape smoothly, - And yes, someone will try to read your mind. You will recieve private lessons once a week he kept going.
Oh, good, thought Harry, Dumbledore will understand if anything I can always explain myself. But wait, why did he send Snape to tell him that?.. He tuned back to what Snape was saying.
- But you will not tell anyone of what you are doing, you understand?
- Yes, but who is going to be teaching me, who will be breaking into my mind? Professor Dumbledore? Snape raised an eyebrow.
- That will be me, he said.
Harry had the horrible sensation that his insides were melting. Extra lessons with Snape, more time just for two of them locked in tiny office, he thought, that is how it all started, with that tormented endless termented detention.. And then another more horrifying thought hit him, Snape, trying to penetrate his mind, geting access to his most secret guarded thoughts.. Not good.
- Why cannot Dumbledore teach me? - asked Harry desperately.
- Because it is the headmaster's privilege I suppose, to delegate less enjoyable tasks. I assure you I did not beg for the job. He got to his feet. I will expect you at 6 o'clock Monday evening, Potter. My office.
He turned to leave his black travelling cloak bellowing behind him.
Monday at 6 harry was standing still in front of the Snape's office front door dreading to enter. He was praying for the first time in his life. He took a deep breath and knocked.
- Enter. Harry swallowed loudly and stepped in to the door.
- As I mentioned, these lessons will be targeted to train you to protect your mind from external penetration.
- Prepare yourself, on the count of three: one, two, three, Legilime! Harry felt as though someone was trying to pull his brain out of his head. Image after image were flickering in front of his eyes. He was five, watching Dudley riding a new red bicycle and his heart was bursting with jealousy, he was 9 and Ripper the bulldog was chasing him up the tree, harry was fourteen and he was sitting in the prefect bathroom trying to figure out the mystery of the egg and then… and then, harry thought about Snape. It was final Quidditch match, he almost lost the snitch to Malfoy because instead of looking for it he was looking at Severys Snape. He watched him from above, sitting in the box reading, while everyone was screaming and shouting cheering their teams. Harry bit a moan, his hand was under water, easy to deduce doing what. Harry heard himself shouting and fell on his knees.
- Stop it Potter, get up now, he told Harry who was still kneeling on the floor feeling waves of pain going through his body from hitting his knees on the hard stone floor.
- Let's get it out of your head shouted Snape dragging him to pensive. What kind of a joke is that?
- No, please begged Harry not recognizing his quivering voice. - Please I beg you, sir, those memories... Not memories, thoughts, is the only thing that has left. The only thing that is not letting me to drown in insanity.. Don't take them from me, just disregard, forget, please! He heard Snape's voice, unusually and shockingly - scared.
- What kind of rubbish is that Potter?! You are making fun of me, is it one of those imbecile tricks of yours? Get up for Christ sake, enough of this!
Harry grabbed his ankle as Snape swooped pass him to the pensive desperately trying to stop him still struggling to get up, shaking from pain and shame.
- Why do I need to study Occlumency, sir? asked Harry desperately, what is the point of it?
- It appears there is a connection between the Dark Lord's mind and your own. Whether or not he is aware of this connection is for the moment unclear. Pray he remains ignorant.
- You mean if he knows about it, then he'll be able to read my mind?
- Read it, control it, unhinge it. In the past it was often the Dark Lord's pleasure to invade the minds of his victims, creating visions designed to torture them into madness. Only after extracting the last exquisite ounce of agony, only when he had them literally begging for death would he finally... kill them.