((((Yeah, hey, quick author's note. Just wanted to say that I got a lot of shit after originallyposting this to AO3 a few months ago. This fic has been called homophobic, stereotypical, etc. And yeah, they're right, but here's the thing: I'm gay. Yet, despite this fact, I got a bunch of dumbasses (most likely str8s) telling me that I shouldn't be writing stuff like this because gays will be offended. If you're thinking the same, I don't fucking care. I can write about whatever I damn well please because I'm the one affected by homophobia, not you. I won't be having a bunch of butthurt str8s and yaoi fangirls tell me what I should find offensive. I mean, "faggot" is right in the fucking title, so it's not like the word usage was a surprise. But yeah, that's the main reason why I've held off from posting this to here because this community is like 10x more cancerous than the faggots on AO3. If obviously shitposty/satirical homophobic humor doesn't bother you, then keep reading. If you just finished busting a nut to incestuous Supernatural smut and don't like it when "ur pwecious yaoi OTP beans" aren't portrayed to your liking and are just itching to report me or leave a shitty comment, I don't give a shit. Go back to fetishizing gay men and then shitting on fics written by gay ppl lol))))
It was one in the afternoon, and Simon's phone alarm went off. It was Saturday, and it was time for Simon to get his twink ass out of bed because he had planned to go out on a date with Bram! It would be their firstie, so Simon had to look extra hot. They were gonna go out to grab lunch and then watch a movie, and Simon didn't wanna have to pay for anything. He hopped into the shower and washed himself all over so he was fresh and didn't smell like masturbation and alcohol. Then he put on some super cute clothes that were extra tight and went downstairs.
His family was in the kitchen, and his little sister was making them lunch. Their dad was considering suicide when Simon said, "Bye, guys! I'm off to be with my date tonight!" His mom waved at him and said, "Have fun! Don't come home with AIDs!" Simon ran out to his car because he was so excited to finally go out on a date with his first gay love. He drove off and headed towards his house, and Bram was already standing out in his driveway. "What's up hot stuff?" said Bram as he hopped into the passenger seat. He put on his seat belt for safety reasons and kissed Simon super hard x'DDD
"Picking your ass up, that's what," said Simon, "Are you excited for our firstie?" Bram answered, "I sure am! I couldn't think of spending this day without you!" Simon felt so lucky to have met this wonderful man. They were only penpals just weeks ago, but now it felt they had been married for 47 years. Simon drove off and headed towards the Wendy's. They got there in 15 minutes, and they went inside to order some Nuggets of Chicken. They got their food and went over to sit at a table, and they were having a good time until those str8s from school came in.
"Oh shit," said Bram, "It's those mean bullies :( " Simon spat out his nuggets and turned to see their ugly fag faces standing in the doorway. They laughed and pointed at the couple. "Haha! Look, they're on a gay date! What a bunch of FAGGOTS!" They screamed the slur really loud so everyone in the restaurant could hear them. Then they all looked at Simon and Bram, and it was so awkward. Those str8s were ruining their date! It was bad enough str8 people ruin every other aspect of their lives, and this was just going too far.
"Let's just ignore them, Simon. We can still enjoy our day. We won't let them fuck this up for us." Simon knew Bram was right, but it was hard to ignore when the str8s would shove their balls in their plates of food. "Uhuhuh!" they chortled, making a fool of themselves. They were clearly being harassed, but no one came to help them, of course. Simon was sick of these filthy heteros getting in their way. and it was time to take action.
"Haha! Wow, you guys are so funny!" said Simon sarcastically. Then, he stood up from the table, grabbed onto the backs of their heads, and slammed them against the tabletop, which sent their food flying everywhere. Bits of white meat and coffee creamer cups fell to the floor, along with the blood dripping from the noses of the str8 bullies. "Ow! Why did you do that! We were just memeing around! You faggots are so intolerant!" Then they started crying and ran out of the glass doors. Simon felt proud, but then they were kicked out by an employee, even though they were the victims, but that's just how str8's are.
They both got in the car, and Simon was afraid Bram would get mad at him for not ignoring them like he said, but Bram started laughing really hard. "OMG that was so great! Your mind is so powerful! I regret not doing this before! It feels good to inflict the same pain that was given to us!" Bram was so turned on by Simon's actions, but this fic is not M rated uwu' so nothing happened. Simon was so happy that Bram felt the same. They weren't even disappointing that their lunch was ruined, and they were still determined to have a good time at the movies.
They got their and bought their tickets, and they were sure to buy the biggest bucket of diarrhea-inducing popcorn. They made their way to the theater and sat in the middle of the third row from the top. As the trailers and commercials played, a familiar figure showed up and sat right in front of them. He turned around to face them. It was Martin, the fucking hetero from school who outed him to the whole school. "Hey Simon! Wow, you're on a date! Very cool! You know, you never would have even gotten together without my help! If I didn't tell everyone you were gay then Bram wouldn't know who you are! Also I paid for your last carousel ride, which is the one you guys kissed on LOL so we're cool right?"
They were not cool. Simon was so sick of seeing those straight faggots from school everywhere he went, especially Martin because he was a fake fucking bitch. He took pictures of his private convo with Bram and blackmailed him just so Simon could help him get laid...even though Simon could've just taken his phone and broke it or something, like Martin isn't very strong or intimidating, like even a twink like Simon could beat his ass. Plus all of his friends hate him to so he could've had them gang up on him without revealing his sexuality. Gays are so dumb lmao
The couple tried to ignore his ass, and the movie started. It was going fine, until Martin kept turning around to talk every 2 seconds about the movie's cinematography and plot holes. The other 5 people in the theater kept shushing him and telling him to shut the fuck up, but of course he didn't listen. Simon and Bram were getting so pissed off. "Hey Simon?" Bram said to Simon, "Remember those bullies back at that restaurant?" Simon looked at him and grinned. "Wow, great minds think alike!" Bram and Simon hopped over the row of seats to sit on each side of Martin.
"Hey guys!" Martin said to them, but they weren't in a friendly mood. They were gonna kick his ass. Bram picked him up by the back of his shirt collar like a baby puppy, allowing Simon to repeatedly Falcon Punch him in the gut. Martin grunted in agony as his insides we'e being pounded into mashed potatoes.
Then, Bram let go, and Martin fell to the cold, hard floor. Simon and Bram each stomped onto his face as hard as they could. "Wow, we're bopping him so hard ! XD He is SNATCHED" said Simon. "omg Wig ! our minds are so powerful!" said Bram.
Martin cried as he was beaten. "What are you talking about?" he sobbed. His poor mind. After Martin was unconscious, they were able to keep watching until one of the old white ladies snitched on them and made them get kicked out.
They just took the popcorn back to the car and sat there to recover from the excitement. They were breathing and panting hard because of all the str8 bashing they'd been doing. Simon and Bram looked into each other's eyes and smiled. "Sorry for ruining everything," said Simon.
"Don't be. Just spending time with you is good enough for me. Plus it was so fun to beat up those str8s!" Bram replied. Then they kissed, and they sucked the popcorn butter out of each other's teeth.