So I had a bit of a block on my other story but I just decided to write a tiny piece about what I think went through Santana's head in this particular scene. I'm also also thinking about maybe writing out the rest of the Brittana scenes from Sexy from Santana's POV so let me know what you think about it please.
It's just like any other afternoon. Me and Brittany are hanging out in my room after school. She's currently sat in a chair as I'm standing behind her fixing her hair. I have just finished brushing it and I'm putting it up in a ponytail.
"I wanna talk to you about something", Brittany says suddenly and then quickly continues before I can say anything. "I really like when we make out and stuff..."
Oh god she's not gonna say she can't do that anymore because she has a boyfriend right?
"Which isn't cheating because..?" I ask, to make sure she hasn't forgotten what I told her as I move around her toward the mirror. Okay so maybe it isn't totally cool to say something like that to get her to keep sleep with me but honestly I know neither of us will function well without it. It's for both our sakes.
"The plumbing's different."
"Mhmm", I say approvingly and go to stand in front of the mirror. I'm relieved that she doesn't seem to have any plans to stop our sweet lady kisses because of Wheels.
"But when Artie and I are together we talk about stuff like feelings", she continues.
My heart starts to beat faster as I start to realize where this conversation might be going and I automatically try to put a stop to it.
"Why?" I say in a disgusted tone, not even daring to look at her.
"Because with feelings it's better."
"Are you kidding? It's better when it doesn't involve feelings. I think it's better when it doesn't involve eye contact." That might have something to do with the fact that I've never really liked any of the boys I've slept with though. And Brittany? No, no way, I'm not going there, I am not gay! I'm really hoping she will drop the subject now, but I guess there's no such luck.
"I don't know, I guess I just, don't know how I feel about us."
I try again to make it really clear to her that I don't want to talk about this and calmly explain even though my panic is increasing on the inside.
"Look, let's be clear here. I'm not interested in any labels. Unless it's on something I shoplift", I say while moving over to my bed and picking up the pillows, trying not to look at her too much. I don't remember dropping the pillows on the floor at all. I guess we were kind of in a hurry when we got back from Cheerios practice earlier.
"I don't know, Santana. I think we should talk to somebody. Like an adult. This relationship is really confusing for me."
"Breakfast is confusing for you", I snap out, trying to hide the fact that my heart just skipped a beat. Literally. Why won't she drop it?! I don't want to talk about this. I can't talk about this. Even though every time I'm around her I feels just as confused. I'm so freaking scared I won't be able to push this back when she brings it up!
"Well, yeah. Sometimes it's sweet, somtimes it's salty. Like what if I have eggs for dinner, then what it is?" Brittany answers.
Three things fly simultaniously (wanky) through my head after Britt's comment.
Firstly, it's that she's not mad. She never gets mad at me even though I can be a total bitch. No, scratch that, I am a total bitch. I try not to be towards Brittany but sometimes Snix lashes out at her as well. Especially when she says stuff like that, stuff I don't want to think about. I can't help it sometimes, even though hurting Brittany is the last thing I wanna do. But for the most time, like now, she just doesn't care. She doesn't get mad, she doesn't get hurt. She's so freaking pure like deep-down good! Seriously how screwed up is it that she wants me as her friends, that she wants me wants me? I'm like the worst person I know. Except for Hudson. And Berry. And fucking Wheels! I fucking hate him! Okay so maybe I'm better than a lot of people, but my points is still that I'm not even close to being as good-natured as she is. God, I have done nothing to deserve this girl!
The second thing that flies through my head is this; she's consiously changing the subject (but trying not to be obvious about it). For me. Because she knows my lashing out means I just don't want to talk about something. I can't talk about it! Not only does she accept my anger and shrug it off, she's willing to play along and drop the subject. Yes, she's done it before but this is the first time it really hits me. She knows me so fucking well and is willing to be so patient with me. I know she's testing me, bringing it up, but the minute she sees I can't think about this she backs off.
The third thing that goes through my head at this moment; Oh my god, how is it possible to be so cute? Brittany is so sweet and innocent and adorable. Yes, she's saying it to change the subject but I also knows she absolutley believes the logic behind her statement. And there really is logic behind her statements. People are just too narrowminded and stupid to see it. I've always marveled at the way her mind works, but I don't think there's a moment when I've wished more that I could just crawl into her head and see the world through the rainbow coloured filter she sees it through than right now.
In this moment my heart feels like it literally swells with love for her. Brittany. My best friend. But no, she isn't just that. The feelings I have for her aren't just friendly.
(I think I just proved that 15 minutes ago. I proved it twice. Yeah, I'm awesome.)
But for maybe the first time I allow myself to acknowledge this. Or maybe it's just proving possible to ignore anymore. I mean I've known it in the back of my mind for a long time now. But it's the way my love for her just bubbles to the surface in this moment that breaks my mental barriers. Or maybe it is because this is the second time she's tried to talk about it with me and I have a hard time not doing everything I can to please her. But suddenly it's all there. And there's no denying it. Because I love her. I love her more than I love anyone or anything in this world. Even though it scares the shit out of me I can't not acknowledge it.
After a long pause I finally open my mouth as I turn back to her.
"Who would we even talk to?", I say quietly.
Brittany's eyes snap open and she turns in her chair staring at me with wide eyes. It's not often I suprise her, but I think I've managed this time.
"You...", she stammers.
I can't get another word out. Even just asking her this has made me stiffen up with fear. So I just wait. But when she finally smiles, beams at me, I know I haven't made a mistake. Or at least I think I know.
"How about ms Holliday? She's cool and she clearly seems to know stuff about sex."
I think about that for a moment. Yeah, even though we only had her as a substitue once we know she's cool. And she's hot and definitely isn't as clueless about sex as most of the other teachers at this school. And I think I could trust her. I know she wouldn't ridicule us or anything. Or tell anyone.
Finally I just nod because I'm still too fucking scared to even say a word. Brittany beams at me. God I hope I'm making the right decision now!