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wickedtomboy

Tie a Knot…and Hold On

Chapter 1

BEEP-BEEP! BEEP-BEEP! BEEP-BEEP!

I slowly opened my heavy eyelids. I was immediately met with golden rays of sun pouring into the room. The warmth covered my face as I un-tangled my arm from the bed sheets and turned off the alarm. I began to stretch my body, my mind begging it to wake up. Once I was able to move, I sat up and positioned my legs at the edge of the bed then went to the bathroom.

It was the first day of summer. But of course this summer just couldn't be any old normal summer. The summers where Britt and I would go to parties, take a drip in the pool, lie around the house, and (let's not forget) have amazing, mind-blowing sex. This summer was different because it was the summer between my junior and senior year. Which meant applying for colleges, getting scholarships, and thinking about the future. Not to mention my feelings for Brittany have changed. Yep, it was the first day of summer. And I already had to get up early to babysit. Fuck my life.

Once I was done in the bathroom I made my way downstairs. I smell of pancakes, bacon, and eggs flowed into my nose. Knowing that my mom was up, I entered the kitchen.

"Buenos dias, mija." My mother greeted as she placed a plate of food at my place on the table.

"Morning, mami. This smells amazing." I took a seat, reached for the syrup, and began to eat the melt-in-your-mouth pancakes.

"Well, I thought I would make something nice for the family this morning." She placed another plate at my father's seat then she sat down at her own and took a bite of eggs.

"How are my two lovely ladies?" My father asked as he entered the kitchen. He was already dressed for work. He placed a quick kiss on the top of my head, sat down in his seat, kissed my mother good morning, and then began to enjoy the meal.

"Good morning, papi." He smiled up at me.

"Now remember Santana, me and your father have to go to work in an half an hour. Senora Guillen needs you to be-"

"At her house by 10 o clock then she will be back around 1. Call if I need anything. I already have gas money. I know, mami."

"Well, you also need to know that Mr. Windlan called again-"

"What did that child molester version of Tom Cruise want?" I scoffed.

"Mija!"

"What?"

"Do not speak about people in that way." She looked to my father for help. He, however, just continued eating while staring down at his plate. I smirked, knowing I would win this argument.

"I will if it's true. It's my job to tell people they suck. Besides, he is just going to accuse me and-"

"Puck of vandalizing his car again, yes! Mija-"

"Mami! I didn't do it. I don't now about Puck…we barely hang out anymore." I finished quietly. An overwhelming feeling of guilt crashed down on me, it happened every time I brought up Puck, Sam, or Brittany. Knowing that this wasn't fair to her. She deserved someone who could be able to hold her hand down the hallways, not someone who used to hide behind sex. Sure, I stopped hanging out with boys in that way. But my parents didn't know that. A lot of people didn't know that. I have surrounded my self in a lie…that is slowly suffocating me.

"Mija, how do you expect me to believe you when you have done this before?"

"Mami, I didn't do it!" I stood up and placed my clean plate in the sink. Cheerios was over for a while so I don't have to starve myself…yet.

"Santana, you are not allowed to go to visit any friends for a week."

"What? I am 17, almost 18! You can no longer tell me what to do! You never have before!"

My mother turned to look at me. I could see the hurt in her eyes at that statement. She tried to be a good mother and most of time she succeeded, but I always got what I wanted. No matter what. So to hear her try to punish me, it was almost funny.

"Santana, as long as I pay your bills, feed you, …love you," she paused. Then a stern look flashed across her face, I understood how we were related. Her face was cold and fierce, "you will do as I say."

I froze. I was losing control, I could feel it. The boiling in the pit of my stomach. The rage exploding from my chest. The need to defend myself. The need to protect my pride. That way people couldn't see past my walls. The walls that surrounded my soul, my eyes, and… my heart.

But this was my mother. I couldn't go all Lima Heights on her ass even if I wanted to. So I turned to the one thing I could always count on.

"Papi…do I have to?" Puppy dog eyes…check. Pouty lip…check. Sexy stance with hips…check. Exactly how I got my luscious red sports car.

My dad looked at me. Then my mom.

"Honey, she says she didn't do it." Victory. I always win. Always. Except when it comes to blonde hair, ocean blue eyes, and a beauty that could melt Hitler's heart. She always wins. Always.

I hurried toward the stairs. Once I was half way up I yelled, "Have a good day at work!" Just to be a bitch.

I entered my room, changed out of my pajamas, and jumped in the shower letting the hot water run down my body. Did I feel guilty? Yes. Was she ever going to believe me? No. Fuck you, perv Tom Cruise. You haven't seen vandalism, ass hole. I'll show you. God, I hate the people in this town. I hate this town. I can't wait to leave it. But, where to go? And, what do I do?

Do I go into a job that is practical? A job that will provide security? Or do I take my chances at New York, Chicago, or L.A? I would give so much to live in a place where I wouldn't be judged. Where I could love Brittany freely. Without her or me getting hurt. But that's just it…what about Brittany?

My head was racing and felt myself losing control of my breathing. Panic attack. I quickly turned the water temperature to freezing. Allowing it to pull my body back to its normal state. This has been happening a lot lately, especially when I think about my future with Brittany. Good thing I was done with the shower anyway.

I brushed my teeth, washed my face, blow-dried my hair, and wrapped myself in a towel then went back to my room. My phone was lying on top of my bed next to my clean clothes. I noticed that the screen was lit up with a new text. I unlocked the main screen and read the text.

Britt-Britt3: Good morning, San! How were ur sweet dreams? I missed ur cuddles :(

I felt my face light up. I smiled for the first time that morning. I set my phone back down and put my clothes on. I glanced at the clock, 9:10. Knowing I had time, I flopped down on my bed, resting for a few minutes.

San: Good morning beautiful, my dreams were all about u ;) I would love 2 cuddle with u later

Britt-Britt3: Don't let me down, Sanny! Can we spend the day at the pool first though? Lord Tubby needs 2 tan.

San: Anything for u, Britt. Pick u up around 2?

Britt-Britt3: Can't wait! Love u!

San: Love you 2!

I sighed. My heart was pounding in my chest. How does she have that effect on me?

"I love you, Santana. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone else in this world. All I know about you and I is that, because of that, I think anything's possible."

Oh, yeah. That's how.

I stood up, did my hair, put on my makeup, grabbed my purse, and walked to the door of my room. That's when I saw it. The duck drawing. A cute, bright yellow duck smiling back at me. Brittany drew it for me. Her way of saying thank you for when I comforted her over Artie. That bastard. I wish I could just roll him off a cliff. If only I had been strong enough to tell her how I felt before she turned to him. If only I could give her what she wants. If only I wasn't a fucking coward. If only the world was different. If only I could love myself and accept myself enough to do these things for her.

If only…if only…if only….

Then everything would be okay. Then there wouldn't be a war raging inside me everyday. A war that is killing me. I'm letting it kill me. Because I deserve this. Especially if I can't let Brittany be happy. I'm letting lies, wars, and unhappiness kill me. Because I feel trapped. And, in a way,… I want to die.