Commander Coriander Salamander and 'er Singlehander Bellylander
A Calvin and Hobbes Fan Fiction
By the Author of Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie!
Author's Note:
Yes! I am doing the sequel to "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie!" Finally! This particular story was mentioned only once in the entire run of Calvin and Hobbes, but I thought I should give this a spin. Hopefully, it'll come out as funny as "Hamster Huey" did, which got mostly glowing reviews, save one person who said I ruined the magic of the strip. Well, if I may quote Mr. Watterson himself, "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie (like "the Noodle Incident" I've referred to in several strips) is left to the reader's imagination, where it's sure to be more outrageous." So, HA! He WANTS us to come up with our own versions of the story. And if you don't like how I do it, then write your own, you silly son of an English pig-dog! I unclog my nose at you!
Oh, yes. The story. Right then. On with it, then!
* * *
Once there was a commander on a ship of amphibians and reptiles. This commander was named Commander Coriander Salamander, who was named thusly because she was a salamander, and she liked the coriander herbs. She was one of the best commanders in the entire Better Reptilian and Amphibian Navy, or the BRAN. The sailors on the ship were called the BRAN Muffins, for reasons beyond human comprehension. But, they were proud to be called BRAN Muffins, and wore their uniforms with pride, which were made completely out of dead baby skin.
One day, the BRAN had received an urgent warning to be on the lookout for the criminal mastermind Hamster Huey, who had destroyed the marshmallow factory in Rodentville while doing "the Happy Hamster Hop." The BRAN, shocked and chagrined at the news, decided they would alert all of their officers, especially Commander Salamander.
Meanwhile, on Commander Salamander's ship, the U.S.S. Richard M. Nixon, the rest of the crew were busy playing shuffleboard. When Commander Salamander received the urgent news, she rushed on deck and shouted to the sailors. "QUICK! WE GOTTA GO FIND HAMSTER HUEY! THAT MOFO IS GONNA DO SOME MO' DAMAGE, FO' SHIZZLE!"
"Well, rizzle my nizzle, bizzle!" Captain Cobra shouted. "We's playing shuffleboard right now, so you can just bug off. Besides, it's not like we know who this 'Hamster Huey' foo' is."
"Now, wait one minizzle." Commander Salamander said. "You're my main homie and all, but you gotta be trippin', playa."
"I ain't trippin'. Why you trippin'?"
"Shut up, foo'." Commander Salamander snapped. "Hamster Huey blew up a marshmallow factory in Rodentville, an' now the whole dang town is swamped in marshmallow goo, dawg."
"Word." Said a gecko BRAN Muffin. "That must be why I ain't got no marshmallows in my Lucky Charms."
"Wait," an iguana said, "why is everyone talking like thug gangsta rappers? We didn't talk like this yesterday."
"Boy," threatened a toad, glaring at him, his webbed hand poised to slap him, "I'ma backhand you so hard. . ."
"Meep!" Whimpered the iguana, and backed away nervously.
"So, any ideas as to the where-abouts of this atrocious outlaw?" Asked Captain Cobra, shedding his thug gangsta speech, and replacing it with a refined British accent.
"None whatsoever." Commander Salamander sighed. She bowed her head wearily. Then, she jerked it up again, a smile on her face. "Let's go play in the pool!"
Everyone immediately rejoiced, and raced over to the on-deck pool, which was on the other side of the deck. They all dived in, causing really big splashes everywhere. The frogs frolicked, the lizards lounged, the horny-toads horseplayed, the newts noodled around, and the Gila monsters did some stuff too. But, this did not please Captain Cobra.
"Stop all this celebration at once!" He hissed, and would have waved an angry fist at them, but he had no arms or legs. "I mean it! I'ma bust some heads!"
"Hey!" Said Commander Salamander, bouncing up and down on the diving board. "I'm gonna do the ultimate dive, everybody! The Singlehander Bellylander!" This aroused a round of wet, slapping applause from the BRAN Muffins.
"NOT THE SINGLEHANDER BELLYLANDER" Captain Cobra screeched in horror. "SALAMANDER! DON'T DO IT!"
But it was too late. Commander Salamander had a running start off the diving board, and soared up into the air like a rocket. She then flipped, so that she was falling stomach first, holding her back leg with one webbed hand, and the other hand spread out like a wing. She hit the pools' surface like an atomic bomb, causing the water to shoot upwards in a mushroom cloud splash. Really. You had to be there. It was so cool. I got pictures, but I won't show them to you. You're not worthy.
The BRAN Muffins were sent sailing back onto the deck, whooping and hollering in joy and admiration. . . that was, until they noticed the water was still spraying up like a geyser. They gasped in realization: the Singlehander Bellylander had sent Commander Salamander plummeting through the deck, and causing a hole to be punctured into the ship. "ABANDON SHIP!" Someone shouted, and they all went into a panic.
Lizards, newts, frogs, toads, alligators, crocodiles, snakes, turtles, tortoises, and Gila monsters alike all flung themselves off of the ship, often hitting each other on the way down, and into the water, which happened to be infested by bloodthirsty, man-eating manatees. And they were all devoured.
But Commander Coriander Salamander alone had survived 'er Singlehander Bellylander, and she had latched herself onto a piece of driftwood, to which she floated on for three days, and was finally washed up upon the beaches of El Salvador, whereupon she was greeted by a familiar furry rodent.
"Hello," said Hamster Huey. "Wanna do the 'Happy Hamster Hop?'"
"I loathe you." Commander Salamander growled.
And thus, our story ends. And I still don't have any marshmallows in my Lucky Charms, gosh darn it.
A Calvin and Hobbes Fan Fiction
By the Author of Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie!
Author's Note:
Yes! I am doing the sequel to "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie!" Finally! This particular story was mentioned only once in the entire run of Calvin and Hobbes, but I thought I should give this a spin. Hopefully, it'll come out as funny as "Hamster Huey" did, which got mostly glowing reviews, save one person who said I ruined the magic of the strip. Well, if I may quote Mr. Watterson himself, "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie (like "the Noodle Incident" I've referred to in several strips) is left to the reader's imagination, where it's sure to be more outrageous." So, HA! He WANTS us to come up with our own versions of the story. And if you don't like how I do it, then write your own, you silly son of an English pig-dog! I unclog my nose at you!
Oh, yes. The story. Right then. On with it, then!
* * *
Once there was a commander on a ship of amphibians and reptiles. This commander was named Commander Coriander Salamander, who was named thusly because she was a salamander, and she liked the coriander herbs. She was one of the best commanders in the entire Better Reptilian and Amphibian Navy, or the BRAN. The sailors on the ship were called the BRAN Muffins, for reasons beyond human comprehension. But, they were proud to be called BRAN Muffins, and wore their uniforms with pride, which were made completely out of dead baby skin.
One day, the BRAN had received an urgent warning to be on the lookout for the criminal mastermind Hamster Huey, who had destroyed the marshmallow factory in Rodentville while doing "the Happy Hamster Hop." The BRAN, shocked and chagrined at the news, decided they would alert all of their officers, especially Commander Salamander.
Meanwhile, on Commander Salamander's ship, the U.S.S. Richard M. Nixon, the rest of the crew were busy playing shuffleboard. When Commander Salamander received the urgent news, she rushed on deck and shouted to the sailors. "QUICK! WE GOTTA GO FIND HAMSTER HUEY! THAT MOFO IS GONNA DO SOME MO' DAMAGE, FO' SHIZZLE!"
"Well, rizzle my nizzle, bizzle!" Captain Cobra shouted. "We's playing shuffleboard right now, so you can just bug off. Besides, it's not like we know who this 'Hamster Huey' foo' is."
"Now, wait one minizzle." Commander Salamander said. "You're my main homie and all, but you gotta be trippin', playa."
"I ain't trippin'. Why you trippin'?"
"Shut up, foo'." Commander Salamander snapped. "Hamster Huey blew up a marshmallow factory in Rodentville, an' now the whole dang town is swamped in marshmallow goo, dawg."
"Word." Said a gecko BRAN Muffin. "That must be why I ain't got no marshmallows in my Lucky Charms."
"Wait," an iguana said, "why is everyone talking like thug gangsta rappers? We didn't talk like this yesterday."
"Boy," threatened a toad, glaring at him, his webbed hand poised to slap him, "I'ma backhand you so hard. . ."
"Meep!" Whimpered the iguana, and backed away nervously.
"So, any ideas as to the where-abouts of this atrocious outlaw?" Asked Captain Cobra, shedding his thug gangsta speech, and replacing it with a refined British accent.
"None whatsoever." Commander Salamander sighed. She bowed her head wearily. Then, she jerked it up again, a smile on her face. "Let's go play in the pool!"
Everyone immediately rejoiced, and raced over to the on-deck pool, which was on the other side of the deck. They all dived in, causing really big splashes everywhere. The frogs frolicked, the lizards lounged, the horny-toads horseplayed, the newts noodled around, and the Gila monsters did some stuff too. But, this did not please Captain Cobra.
"Stop all this celebration at once!" He hissed, and would have waved an angry fist at them, but he had no arms or legs. "I mean it! I'ma bust some heads!"
"Hey!" Said Commander Salamander, bouncing up and down on the diving board. "I'm gonna do the ultimate dive, everybody! The Singlehander Bellylander!" This aroused a round of wet, slapping applause from the BRAN Muffins.
"NOT THE SINGLEHANDER BELLYLANDER" Captain Cobra screeched in horror. "SALAMANDER! DON'T DO IT!"
But it was too late. Commander Salamander had a running start off the diving board, and soared up into the air like a rocket. She then flipped, so that she was falling stomach first, holding her back leg with one webbed hand, and the other hand spread out like a wing. She hit the pools' surface like an atomic bomb, causing the water to shoot upwards in a mushroom cloud splash. Really. You had to be there. It was so cool. I got pictures, but I won't show them to you. You're not worthy.
The BRAN Muffins were sent sailing back onto the deck, whooping and hollering in joy and admiration. . . that was, until they noticed the water was still spraying up like a geyser. They gasped in realization: the Singlehander Bellylander had sent Commander Salamander plummeting through the deck, and causing a hole to be punctured into the ship. "ABANDON SHIP!" Someone shouted, and they all went into a panic.
Lizards, newts, frogs, toads, alligators, crocodiles, snakes, turtles, tortoises, and Gila monsters alike all flung themselves off of the ship, often hitting each other on the way down, and into the water, which happened to be infested by bloodthirsty, man-eating manatees. And they were all devoured.
But Commander Coriander Salamander alone had survived 'er Singlehander Bellylander, and she had latched herself onto a piece of driftwood, to which she floated on for three days, and was finally washed up upon the beaches of El Salvador, whereupon she was greeted by a familiar furry rodent.
"Hello," said Hamster Huey. "Wanna do the 'Happy Hamster Hop?'"
"I loathe you." Commander Salamander growled.
And thus, our story ends. And I still don't have any marshmallows in my Lucky Charms, gosh darn it.