"…we've known each other for a while now and....I've been having these feelings lately…" I stared at the flushed reflection in the mirror, trying to muster up some strength to continue. "Minho…I think I'm in lov-" I shrieked as the doorknob started twisting suddenly. "Taemin!? What are you taking so long??" I heard Jonghyun whine on the other side, knocking desperately on the bathroom door after figuring out it was locked. "I-I'll be out in a minute" I said, hearing a groan from the other side as footsteps could be heard fading away. I sighed in defeat, opening the faucet and splashing some water on my face. This was the 5th time this week that I've been interrupted. I think faith is restraining me from voicing my feelings out loud.
I've been struggling with this issue for quite some time now. I don't know how or when it started exactly. Being the youngest of the group, I've always been accustomed to having people hugging me, kissing me, pinching my cheeks and all kinds of things you tend to do when you see a cutething. I never gave it a second thought; just smiling and giggling at the attention. But suddenly caresses and hugs, delivered by a certain boy, lost the friendliness they had once for me and before I knew it, they turned into something more; something meaningful for me. It took me a really long time to figure out I was actually in love with Minho. A year to be exact.
When I realized I was in love, my actions towards him changed drastically. I avoided him as much as possible; locking myself in my room, pleading my other band mates to take me with them when they had leave the dorm, repelling any affection the taller boy offered me, anyway….avoiding him like he was death itself. I didn't do it on purpose though. I was so overwhelmed with my recently found feelings that I didn't know how to act around him, let alone treat him. I wasn't aware of how much pain I was causing the older boy. All the while, I never thought about declaring; too busy trying to repel him. For me, it was enough trouble to be in love with a band member so the idea of confessing my feelings was out of the question. Well, it was out of the question until a little incident, a few months ago.
---------Flashback--------
That day Key, Onew and Jonghyun were gone to their respective schedules. Conveniently, Minho and I didn't have anything scheduled for the day so I cursed my luck as I realized we were stuck in our dorm for the day. I was sitting on the couch, totally absorbed in my own little world. I felt slightly comforted with the idea of Minho being safely locked up in his room. I was so engrossed in the horror novel I was contently reading that I didn't hear the soft footsteps coming from the hallway…or the dark figure standing at the other side of the couch. I let a high pitched scream as he took a seat beside me, eyeing me apprehensively.
"I-I'm sorry I scared you" He said nervously and I just shook my head, sighing as I resumed reading. Of course…It was futile to concentrate with him by my side.
"Mmmm…what are you reading? Is it interesting?" He eyed my book curiously, trying to make some small talk. I just shrugged, closing the book at once and placing it on the table. "It's about a haunted house. Not that interesting…Do you mind if I go? I'm kind of tired" I didn't wait for him to answer as I stood up and turned towards the hallway. I knew I was being cruel, but it was the best. Besides…he didn't care enough to muse over my attitude towards him. I jumped a little when a cold hand landed on my shoulder. "I need to talk to you about something…Can you stay for a while?" Thousands of thoughts crossed my mind in that instant. Did he finally find out about my feelings? And if he did, would he be disgusted? Mad?. I bit my lip as I felt like crying. Maybe he will tell me to stop having these feelings for him and of course, I wouldn't be able to promise anything. There are no on/off switches for your heart.
I realized he was waiting for an answer so I sighed, gulping quietly before turning around. "What do you want to talk about?" I asked, trying my hardest to show no sign of nervousness in my voice. I finally came face to face with the most depressing expression I've ever seen, plastered on his face. His eyes had dropped a little, losing that spark that characterizes them. He looked like he had received some very bad news and that made me panic suddenly. 'Did something happen to him?' I thought anxiously. His expression didn't change and I hurriedly took his hands in mine, urging him to take a seat. "What's wrong? Did something happen?" I asked worriedly and he just sighed, looking down to our entwined hands. I blushed when I noticed that and carefully I pulled my hands away from the warm touch. I tried to ignore the burning sensation his hands had left me as I tried to focus on what was wrong with him. Stuttered
I was about to ask again but he lifted his head, ready to speak. "Someone hates me…And I don't know why" I wanted to sigh in relief, happy that nothing severe had happened to him or his family. But for him to be so depressed about it…It must be a really important person in his life. I felt a twinge of jealousy, but I pushed it aside quickly. "Did that person tell you he hates you?" It must be his imagination. I mean, who would hate such a gorgeous, talented boy? …not a very clever one I guess.
He shook his head, focusing his attention on the living room window. "No…But the way he treats me, the way he talks to me, the way he looks at me. So much hate in those actions…there's no need to say it out l-loud." His voice cracked in the end. I snapped my head in his direction; he was still staring absentmindedly at the window, but with his eyes brimmed with tears now. It broke my heart when I caught something interesting about what he had said. 'The way HE treats me…' It was a boy then.
"I don't know what I've done wrong Taemin…I don't know…I can't bare the idea of him hating me" His bottom lip trembled with each word he said. Jealousy swept trough my body like waves. I bit the inside of my cheek so hard I could taste the blood swirling in my mouth. "Maybe you haven't done anything wrong…maybe he's the one with the issues, not you. Don't worry, he's probably not worth it" I tried comforting him. The anger he showed after my comment startled me hugely. "It does matter!!! He's important to me!" I tried with all my might to choke back the sob that formed in my throat. Just hearing Minho confirm how much he cared about this person sent my heart shattering into a billion pieces.
"I-I'm sorry. I didn't know he was that important to you" I murmured, lowering my eyes to avoid his gaze. "It's ok…Help me Taemin." I could feel my eyes stinging with tears, but I pushed them back. It wouldn't be convenient to burst into tears right now. Maybe later, alone in my room. "What do you have in mind then?" I had to be a good friend for him.
"I was planning to ask him for forgiveness…Do you think it will work?" I wanted to tell him no, to forget about that person and to stop being so depressed about it, but I didn't have the heart to do it. I had to do the right thing…even though it'll kill me. "If you really mean it…Do you mean it?"
"With all my heart" Those four words burned me. I just nodded; wiping silently the tears that were pouring down my face. He didn't notice it though. "What are you waiting for then…go tell him" I wanted to leave. I couldn't stand being next to him anymore. He just nodded reluctantly and kept quiet after that. I glued myself to the coucht. He was hurting and I had to be there for him, even if I was dying to get away.
"Taemin…can you forgive me?" …
---------End of Flashback--------
I think I spent at least 3 hours trying to convince him I wasn't mad at him. Of course, he didn't buy it at first, but after a while the doubt in his eyes disappeared, quickly replaced by amusement. He asked me why I had been acting like that towards him and I just apologized, telling him I had problems at home, taking it out on him wrongly. He accepted my lies, surprising me with what he said at the end.
"It's ok Taemin. You can take it out on me as much as you want…I don't care. As long as you're happy I'm happy."
Until then I realized how bad I had been treating the older boy. After that little incident I bowed to try and act normal again. It had been hard…I've wanted to flinch when he hugged me or kissed me on the cheek like all the other members did at first, but I fought back and finally after a lot of struggles, I manage to overrule all those feelings. But they never faded away…in fact, they got stronger. One day I realized it was time to tell the truth. I didn't want to pretend anymore. I wanted to be able to blush at his touches without having to think of an excuse. I don't care if my feelings are not returned…As long he doesn't hate me.
"Taemin if you don't come out of that bathroom right now, I swear I'll shave your head with my bare hands" I guess it's time to go out now.
I opened the door slowly, coming face to face with an angry Jonghyun. "uhh…the bathroom is free now" I announced and he just scoffed, pulling me out of the bathroom roughly by the hand and dragging down the hallway. "Our manager has been waiting for an hour now!! What the hell were you doing in there??" I just gulped. We arrived at the living room. Everyone eyed me disapprovingly as I took a seat. "Taemin what took you so long?" The men in the black suit asked and I just sighed, feeling all the glares from the other members boring holes in my body.
"I…I'm not feeling very well" I was soon enveloped in a series of hugs and caresses as five figures stood in front me. "What's wrong Taemin? What do you feel?" Kibum asked, placing a hand on my forehead to detect any sign of fever; concern evident in his eyes.
"You have a stomachache right? God Kibum! I told you not to cook those beans!! They were so old you could literally see hair growing out of them" Jonhyun received a smack in response.
Jinki was comforting a now fussing Kibum, murmuring in his ear how his food was the best. Minho stepped closer, grabbing my face with both hands. "You do look kind of pale…" He murmured and I blushed, pushing his hands gently away. He wiped the little droplets of sweat from my forehead. "Do you want to go to the hospital Taeminie?" Our manager asked and I shook my head, a roar of protests coming after. "I'm fine guys…I'm just dizzy, that's all" It was true actually; I was feeling quite dizzy. Probably from spending so much time locked up in the bathroom.
"Alright then….I'll finish quickly so you can go rest" I nodded. Everyone went back to their seats, but Minho seated next to me, sneaking quick glances in my direction. I smiled at him, squeezing his hand to reassure him I was ok. "Tomorrow you only have one activity scheduled. You're gonna be the guests in Idol Army's 3rd season" Everyone, except a blond haired boy, cheered at the news. We were very fond of the members of 2pm, so the idea of hosting a show with them was really welcomed. Jonghyun didn't welcome the idea very much. "Do you know what we're gonna be doing?" Jinki asked and everyone turned to stare at the now nervous manager. "Well…your gonna be doing a…couple show" silence fell on the room. As the minutes passed, you could feel the tension in the air.
"WHAT??" Jonghyun was the first one to protest. The older man was fidgeting in his seat now, holding his palms up as he tried to calm the raging blond. "Calm down, you're not the only ones ok? Other male groups have done it before". Jinki and Jonghyun scoffed at the response "That doesn't mean WE have to do it too!" Jinki said, surprising everyone in the room. "Jinki, why are you protesting? You've always agreed with all our scheduled activities" Kibum asked, arching an eyebrow at Jinki's unusual behavior. The leader pouted, wrapping his arms around the slender boy. "Yes, but I don't want you flirting with someone else, let alone in front of the cameras" Kibum sighed at his boyfriend's lame excuse. "a) There's something called ACTING, which I'm very good at…and b) nobody said anything about flirting…right?" He said, directing the question to the manager. The said man played with his fingers nervously, feeling the intense stares.
".WAY" Jonghyun roared, jumping out of the sofa.
Jonghyun has a little problem with Jaebeom, the leader of 2pm. Supposedly they went out for a while, but Jaebom cheated on him 2 months later. Jjong never told us who it was, refusing to talk about the matter, but we figure it out after finding some burnt photos in the trashcan.
Jonghyun was arguing with our manager now as Kibum was trying to calm a jealous Jinki, reassuring him he only had eyes for a certain dubu. I stared blankly at the scene and soon I felt an arm over my shoulders. Minho smiled at me, squeezing me in a one-sided hug. "Are you feeling better now?" He asked and I nodded, feeling quite flattered by his concern.
"no no NO!!! I refuse to dress like a girl too!!!!"
The night passed by swiftly and soon it was morning. We got up early as we had to be at the studio at 7 am. You could hear Jonghyun and Jinki grumbling while settling inside the van. After begging our manager to cancel the TV schedule with no success whatsoever, they accepted the filming with one condition….no one was dressing like a girl.
Our manager agreed, but still you could see how discontented the two members were. "Aw come on guys! Cheer up!" Kibum said, placing a sloppy kiss on his boyfriend's pouty lips. Jonghyun rolled his eyes as Jinki sighed, his grumpiness gone for a moment. While the 3 of them chatted at the front, I turned my attention to Minho, who was sitting beside me. "Did you hear what manager said before he left? We're gonna be doing some individual talent shows or something" He looked at me with an unreadable expression. "humm…that's good" He replied and turned back to the window, not saying anything else. 'Something's bothering him' I thought, seeing how he furrowed his eyebrows now and then.
The whole ride was silent. We arrived at the studio and claps could be heard as we made our way in. It was clear that our visit was really expected since the decorations on the stage were fairly elegant. The coordinators urged us to the dressing room as we were on a tight schedule. Kibum and I took a seat quickly and the hairstylists started doing our hair. He was having his hair dyed black, and my hair was being straightened and cut into a bob. I saw Jonghyun and Jinki walking to the dressing closet. The only one sitting on the couch doing nothing was Minho. It preoccupied me how serious he had been. I was about to get up and ask him what's wrong, but suddenly Kibum turned me around in the chair; his hair wrapped up in a towel. "Taeminie, what do you think about making a duet for the talent show thing? We could dance the little routine we've been practicing".
I crocked my head to the side, clearly confused by his proposal. "I'll love to but…Why? You always do your girl group dances" He shrugged, taking a seat beside me. "I know…I just want to try something different" He smiled and I nodded in approval.
I heard Minho's cell phone ring. He quickly answered the call while exiting the room. I sighed, seeing how my opportunity to talk to him was ruined. Jinki and Jonghyun came out of the dressing closet, fully clothed and ready. A few minutes later there were soft knocks on the door and soon our dressing room was filled of 2pm members. We greeted them warmly, chatting about how hectic our schedules had been these last few days. I saw Jonghyun searching anxiously through the sea of people, relaxing when he figured out Jaebeom wasn't there. Half an hour later a woman, probably one of the coordinators, announced us that they were gonna start filming in a few minutes. Jinki suddenly realized Minho was missing.
"I'll go find him" I offered. I skipped through the studio hallways, searching for the brown haired boy. I was loosing all hope of finding him, but finally I spotted his silhouette through a door that was cracked open. I made my way to the door, peeking through the crack first. In fact, it was Minho, but he was not alone though. I couldn't see who was with him, but clearly they were having a private conversation from what I heard.
"I missed you…" The unknown boy said as he took a step closer. I didn't want to pry, but my feet were glued to the ground. Minho didn't do anything as a pair of arms wrapped around his neck and finally I could see who the other person was. Nickhun buried his face in Minho's chest. My eyes widen when I saw there weren't any attempts to push the boy away from Minho's side.
"I missed you too" He said suddenly, returning the embrace while pulling the boy closer. I wanted to tear my eyes away from the scene, but I stubbornly stood there; eyes stinging painfully with unshedded tears. My hand suddenly gripped the door too hard, causing it to screech noisily. Both of their heads wiped in the direction of the door. "Taemin…" Minho whispered; his arms falling limply at his side.
"…recording is in 5 minutes"