Bunch of Cry Babies.
RATED M: FOR OBVIOUS REASONS.
ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS SHOW- EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE-ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. ALL VOICES ARE IMPERSONATED...POORLY. THE FOLLOWING PROGRAM CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT SHOULD NOT BE VIEWED BY ANYONE_
Les Claypool: I'm goin' down the South Park, gonna have myself a time...
Kyle&Stan: Friendly faces everywhere, humble folks without temptation!
Les Claypool: I'm goin' down South Park, gonna leave my woes behind...
Cartman: Ample parking day or night, people spouting : "HOWDY, NEIGHBOR!"...
Les Claypool: I'm headin' down to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind...
Kenny: I like girls with big big titties!
Les Claypool: So come on down to South Park, and meet some friends of mine!
Chapter 1: Stop being gay!
The students of South Park Elementary roamed the halls as they all left to their respected rides or buses. It was a friday, which meant an awesome weekend was ahead, and in the mean time, the South Park four walked to the exit.
"I'm just saying," Stan said. "That if Wendy really liked me, she'd put more effort in coming to see me, ya know?"
"Yeah, I think she just says you're her boyfriend to fill the emptiness in her life." Cartman joked.
"I hate to agree with Cartman, but he's kinda right." Kyle said begrudgingly. "Every time you try to kiss her, when you don't throw up first, she always changes the subject, like she doesn't want to kiss you or something." He said.
"Yeah, she's just been extra bitchy lately." Stan said.
"Definitely." Cartman snickered.
"I think it's time for you to break up with her this time." Kyle said. "Maybe then she'll take the hint that you don't want her around if she's just going to push you away like that." he said.
"I guess you're right." Stan said.
"Or you can just tell her to her face how you actually feel." Kenny mumbled through his hoodie, speaking for the first time today.
"Kenny, this is Wendy Testaburger we're dealing with here." Kyle said. "We gotta be super careful..."
"No Kenny's right..." Stan said. "She's just a person like any one of us, and besides, it's not like I don't have a reason to break up with her!"
"No, Stan-" Kyle interjected.
"No Kyle, I'm gonna go tell her to leave me alone for good, I'm done with her!" Stan then ran off, in his newfound confidence, forgetting about the bus.
"I give him till he gets to her house," Cartman said, messing with his phone. "Then he'll bitch out and give up."
"Do you even care about any of this?" Kyle asked the blob.
"Frankly no, Kahl." Cartman stated plainly. "I also love how the first thing to come out of Kinny's mouth ruined derailed the whole conversation." He giggled.
"Fuck you fatass!" Kenny mumbled.
"Fuck you too Kinny.." Cartman stated, not looking up from his phone.
"Well I better go stop him." Kyle said. Cartman stood with Kenny at the bus stop, awaiting the bus home.
"So Kinny..."
"What?" Kenny said, annoyed.
"I'm sorry." Cartman put his phone in his pocket. Kenny went silent. He was speechless, Cartman apologized?
"Who are you?" Kenny asked, genuinely concerned.
"What?" Cartman felt offended. "I can't legitimately apologize?" He asked.
"It's not that you aren't allowed to," Kenny mumbled. "It's just not something you do very often."
"I guess you're right." Cartman said. "Cuz Stan and Kahl are assholes. You and I relate, kinda..."
"How?" Kenny was confused.
"We both laugh at the same things that piss of Stan and Kahl." Cartman pointed out. Kenny nodded. "Not to mention, you practically live at my house now..." He said.
"Okay, I accept your apology." Kenny said. With that the bus pulled up. Cartman got on first, Kenny followed. They sat next to one another.
"So, my place?" Cartman suggested. Kenny nodded, looking ashamed of himself for going to Cartman's house nearly every day just to get a good meal. "It's okay Kinny, my mom doesn't care if you come over."
"It's not that." Kenny mumbled, turning toward the window, away from the blob.
"What is it Kinny?" Eric asked, almost as if he cared.
"Nothing..." Kenny mumbled.
"Fine, be that way." Cartman pulled his phone back out and began to do whatever he'd been doing all day...
Kyle chased Stan all the way to Wendy Testaburger's house. It was an especially freezing afternoon in South Park, and his lungs burned by the time they arrived. Stan was panting, and Kyle was wheezing.
"Why...the...fuck...did...you...run?" Kyle questioned with each deep gasp for air.
"I...don't...know..." Stan was also out of breath.
"C'mon...Let's go..." Kyle said. Stan glared at him.
"No... I'm gonna...do it..." Stan said sternly. He regained his breath. "I don't like her anymore, and she needs to know..."
"At least let me be your wingman..." Kyle said. Stan smiled. The two boys approached the door of the Testaburger household. Stan knocked, and Kyle took his place beside him. The door soon opened. It was Wendy, looking especially happy.
"Hey Stan!" She said, then noticed Kyle. "...and Kyle?"
"Wendy," Stan said, he gulped. "We need to talk."
"You guys better come in." She said, now conveying a look of fear. The two boys entered the house, and proceeded up to Wendy's room.
"Where are your parents?" Kyle asked.
"They're out on a date," Wendy said. "Like Stan and I should be." She said, hitting Kyle right in his nerve. Wendy pissed him off sometimes, and he could tell she didn't want him here.
"That's what I have to talk to you about." Stan said.
"I figured." She said, closing the door to her bedroom. The two boys were a little uncomfortable being alone with Wendy.
"Well, I don't like you anymore..." Stan stated, trying to remain calm for Wendy's sake.
"Why not Stan?" Wendy asked, appearing to be shocked that it was him asking the question.
"Cuz you don't love me..." Stan said. Wendy got a bit offended.
"IS SEX ALL YOU WANT STAN?!" She shouted. Stan panicked at his miswording of the statement.
"Shut up Wendy, you know what he meant!" It was Kyle who shouted now. "Don't pull your girly bullshit and make Stan look like the bad guy, It's your fault he wants to break up with you!"
"How is it my fault?" She ordered Stan to explain, instead Kyle took the floor.
"Because you push him away when he tries to show his affection, he just wants to love you, but every time he tries to kiss you, you dodge it, and change the subject!" Kyle said.
"And how do you know what Stan thinks?!" Wendy shouted.
"If you really knew him, you'd know that he isn't the most confident guy in the world, and you'd know that he's a lover, not a fighter, and you'd also know that every time you get mad at him, he cries, and apologizes over and over, but he can never bring himself to do it to your face!" Kyle shouted. Wendy was taken aback.
"Don't tell her about the phone calls..." Stan whispered.
"No," Kyle said, putting his hand on Stan's shoulder. "She needs to know."
"Know what?" She asked.
"You guys have broken up like six times. Every time you did, Stan would call me, and we'd be up till three in the morning, him crying and telling me he should just end it, and me trying my best to convince him to keep dating you, cuz I thought you two would work it out. Every. single. time..." Kyle said, as he remembered each tearful phone call. "It's really my fault.." Stan teared up now.
"Stan..." Wendy said. She approached Stan, who simply recoiled at her advancement.
"Get away from me." Stan said. He went to Kyle and hugged him. Kyle was caught off guard by this. "I'm sorry Kyle!"
"Stan?"
"No, I shouldn't have put you in those positions..." Stan teared up. Wendy watched the display of affection and giggled.
"So that's how it is huh?" Wendy said.
"What?" Kyle said.
"You two are a thing now?" She said, grinning. Stan was pissed now.
"FUCK YOU BITCH!" Stan screamed tearfully, before grabbing Kyle's hand and pulling him out of Wendy Testaburger's room, down the stairs, through the front door and into the freezing night...
"How was school Poopsy-kins?" Cartman's mom asked in her usual polite tone. Cartman entered the front door, with Kenny in tow. The poor boy brought with him a slight odor, one that Cartman had noticed on the bus, and even more so in the warm house. Eric's mom mustn't have noticed, that or she pretended not to.
"It was okay Mom, can Kinny and I have some cookies?" Cartman asked.
"Sure, I baked two dozen just like you asked." She said. Cartman didn't even thank her, just dragged Kenny to the kitchen. When they passed the threshold, Cartman let go of Kenny's gloved hand, and whaifed the odor from his nostrils.
"Kinny, whew!" Cartman said. "Sorry but you stink." He said. Kenny looked down at his feet. His jeans were filthy and ratty, and his orange parka was a few shades darker than it would've been clean. "Let's get you to the bath first." Cartman said, he then took Kenny's hand again, and dragged him up to the bathroom on the second floor.
The Cartman family's bathroom was all white, and nice an tidy. Kenny's dirty form contrasted with the white tiles and wallpaper.
"Okay Kinny, now when you take off your clothes, put them next to the door, and knock three times, then I will get them and get my mom to wash them." Cartman said. For usually being a dick, Kenny appreciated every bit of hospitality Cartman threw at him, and just nodded. The hooded boy began to remove his namesake. "Whoa, wait till I leave, gayboy." Cartman said. As soon as the door closed, Kenny stripped.
Cartman stood outside the bathroom door, as he heard the three knocks. The fat boy slowly opened the door and peeked his head in to locate the pile of clothes. He indeed found the clothes, but not before catching a glimpse of Kenny's naked ass. Cartman instinctively panicked, but couldn't look away, he watched the blonde boy's globes as he walked to the bathtub and tested the water. Then he climbed in the tub, and cartman could've sworn he saw Kenny's sack when he lifted his leg up.
Blushing furiously, Cartman snatched the bundle and gently closed the door. He rested against the door, breathing heavily, noticing the harndess in his pants. He sighed, as he carried the clothes to the laundry room. He saw his mother was just about to throw a load into the dryer.
"Mom, can you wash Kinny's clothes?" Eric asked. Mrs. Cartman grimaced at the smell, but nodded a yes. "Thanks mom." The fat boy then left her to the dirty work, before he headed to his room. When he approached the door, he heard heard something.
"I can't believe he still has this picture." Stan? Why was Stan in his room, and who was he talking to?
"He probably jerks off to it every night." Kyle. That fucking jew. Cartman then swung the door open, and sure enough, Kyle and Stan were sitting on his bed, holding the photo in question, but it was slightly edited, with Cartman's grinning face burnt off.
"What the fuck are you doing in my house?!" Cartman shouted.
"Dude calm down," Kyle said. "We aren't allowed to hang out?"
"Not when I didn't know you'd be here!" Cartman yelled. "Why are you here anyway, did Stan chicken out?"
"Actually he did it." Kyle said.
"No you did it, I just called her a bitch." Stan said.
"You called her a bitch? Sweet dude High five!" Cartman raised his hand in the air, Stan remained still. "Uh, high five bruh." Stan weakly slapped his palm against the fat boy's meaty hand.
"I told my mom that'd I'd be staying over here for the night." Stan said, not looking at Cartman, who was kind of angry now.
"WHAT!?"
"His parents ask him about Wendy every night at dinner, and Stan can't bring himself to tell them he broke up with her for good." Kyle said. Stan lowered his head down.
"Why not, is he gonna cry about it?" Cartman teased. Kyle looked at him with a glare that could melt ice. Cartman then gulped, realizing he was being especially douchey.
"For once, can you not be an asshole?" Stan asked politely. "Please?" Cartman felt terrible. He was just trying to be funny.
"Okay, Lemme go tell Kinn-" Cartman then saw Kenny, standing in the doorway, with a towel around his blonde mop, naked from the waist down.
Kenny, upon noticing he wasn't alone, jumped and cowered on the ground, crying out in utter embarrassment. Kyle and Stan were speechless, because this looked especially gay.
"Why is Kenny naked in your house?" Kyle asked.
"He was taking a bath, he smelt like a dead skunk, sorry Kinny," Cartman explained, going to his dresser, and pulling out a pair of green sweatpants that he kept for when Kenny stayed over. He stepped in front of the boy, blocking Stan and Kyle's view, but granting him one of his own. Kenny took the sweatpants, and made no effort to hide himself as he pulled them up and over his penis, making it slap against his belly as he stuffed it into the waistband. Cartman stepped away. Kenny's face was beet red, and he looked down at his feet. Cartman was also blushing, having just seen Kenny in all his glory, though it was unintentional. Or was it?
"Why did you have pants that fit him?" Kyle asked.
"They're old." Cartman made up an excuse.
"No no no, even when you were a little kid you were fatter than all of us, why do you have sweatpants in Kenny's size?" Kyle asked, not hatefully, but genuinely concerned. Cartman sighed.
"Kinnny has been coming over and taking baths here for about a month now." Cartman said. This was true. "It started cuz the school was going to suspend him because he stank so bad." he said.
"But why your house?" Kyle asked, still concerned.
"Cuz we get along I guess." Kenny said, speaking for the first time since he was seen in all his glory.
"Whatever, it's not important Kyle." Stan said.
"No it is, Cartman are you and Kenny...?" Kyle began to ask.
"Are we what, Kahl?" Cartman looked kind of pissed now.
"Are you two a thing?" Kyle asked finally. A look of utter shock appeared on Cartman's face, along with a shade of red.
"WHAT?!" Cartman shouted. "Oh, so I can't just be a good friend to Kinny?! Just cuz I care about him, means that I'm his butt buddy?!" He screamed.
"Cartman, calm down..." Kyle said. "I'm only asking because Stan and I..."
"Kyle don't..." Stan begged, grabbing Kyle's shoulders.
"We can't keep hiding now that Wendy is onto us!" Kyle shouted.
"Hiding what?" Cartman asked. Kyle looked down, sighing deeply, while stan covered his face with his gloved hands.
"Stan and I are a thing..." Kyle said, blushing a dark red. Stan did the same, but he hid behind Kyle's shoulder in utter embarrassment.
"Really?" Cartman was shocked.
"Go ahead and laugh asshole." Kyle said.
"No I'm not gonna laugh." Cartman said. Kyle looked up at the fat boy in utter confusion.
"Who are you?" Kyle asked. Cartman groaned in annoyance.
"Once again, am I not allowed to be nice to my friends!?" He said. Kyle glared, wid-eyed, at Cartman.
"It's just that, normally you'd laugh and call us fags for anything like this." Kyle said.
"I would normally, but this is real, it's gotta be. I've seen the way you two look at each other," Cartman said elegantly. "and if there's one thing Chef ever taught us, is to not fool around with love."
"Cartman..." Kyle teared up, remembering Chef and his wisdom in the ways of love. "I'm sorry..."
"What's there to be sorry about Kahl?" Cartman said, before he left the room. Kyle and Stan looked at each other in confusion, then at Kenny, who was still looking down at his feet.
"Are you okay Ken?" Kyle asked the blonde. Kenny nodded, without actually lifting his head. "Come sit." Kyle invited with a friendly tone. Kenny didn't move. "Kenny, c'mon, sit." Kyle almost ordered the blonde. Reluctantly, he did come sit with Kyle and Stan on Cartman's bed.
"How long have you guys been together?" Kenny asked. Kyle wasn't expecting that.
"Uhh..." Kyle counted on his fingers, which was irony at its finest. "Almost a month now." He said, blushing.
"Yeah," Stan said. "The last time Wendy dumped me, I went to Kyle's house, and we stayed up all night watching chick flicks..."
"Did you two bang?" Kenny asked in his usually vulgar way.
"What?!" Kyle gasped.
"Kenny!" Stan scolded.
"What, it's just a question." Kenny said.
"Oh, yea sorry, we're not used to hearing you speak fluently." Kyle deduced that Kenny always asked such blunt and vulgar questions, it was just strange actually being able to understand them. "To answer your question...no." Kyle blushed. Cartman then returned with a large bowl of chocolate chip cookies.
"As I was saying," Cartman said, putting the cookies in on a small table near his bed. "There's nothing for you guys to be sorry about. I've always been an asshole, and it's only natural for you to assume I'd just laugh at you guys bein' together." He said.
"Cartman..." Kyle sighed, still very confused at the fat boy's change of heart.
"Jew..." Cartman answered back, grinning.
"That's more like it." Kyle said, giggling. They all laughed as the night drew on further.
Soon the boys were all gathered around Cartman's television, playing four-player deathmatch on Call of Doody. Cartman was screen-cheating as usual, and the other three knew it, so they fought fire with fire.
"Hey fucker, you're screen-cheating!" Cartman yelled at Stan, who giggled, and headshot the fat boy's avatar. Just then Cartman's mom came in, holding a bundle of clothes.
"Kenny dear, here are your clothes," She said. Kenny got up and accepted the clothing, thanking her. "Now it's about time you boys went to bed, it's a school night."
"But mooooooooooom, I gotta snipe Stan to get back at him for screen cheating!" Cartman whined. His mother was rather resilient though.
"It's a school night! Tomorrow is Friday, and you can stay up all night then, but I want you boys in bed now." She said in a kind, yet ordering tone. Cartman sighed, and turned off the television, followed by the X-Box. The four boys got up as Cartman's mom left through the door.
"So where're we gonna sleep?" Kyle asked. Cartman was digging in his closet, ignoring the redhead. He pulled out a large box. He lugged said box over near his bed, and opened it, pulling out an air matress. He began to use the pump to inflate it, but soon got tired.
"God dammit Kinny you do it it's your bed!" He ordered. Kenny then ran over, and began to inflate the matress with the plunger. Within minutes, the matress was at full size. "You and Stan can sleep on my bed." Cartman said, between heavy breaths.
"Where are you gonna sleep?" Kyle asked, for once concerned for the fat boy.
"On the air matress..." Cartman's face grew slighly pink. "..with Kenny." The four stood in silence for a good minute.
"So...?" Stan was confused.
"NO, We're not a thing!" Cartman shouted. Kenny looked on, distant from the conversation. "I just don't wanna sleep on the floor, and this is Kinny's matress!"
"Okay okay... chill." Kyle said. "It's just weird that you're letting us sleep in your bed." he said.
"Just think of it as an apology for me being a dick earlier." Cartman said, looking away from the two boys, as he crawled onto the air matress. "C'mon Kinny." The blonde boy crawled into bed beside the larger boy. Stan and Kyle looked at each other, Kyle shrugging his shoulders. Stan did the same, as they both got in Cartman's rather comfy bed. He probably had one of those Tempur-pedic matresses. Kyle snuggled up with the blanket wrapped around his body, and he felt Stan spoon him. He accepted the other boy's embrace, and they slowly drifted asleep.