I. The First Time
When you were younger then me and I reminded you that I was the eldest, you pushed me in the river and told me you were stronger because you would be a better warrior.
When the current swept me out and I got caught in the drifts, I felt the air slip from my lungs. You pulled me out on the muddy bank and I hit you so hard your nose started bleeding despite your save, coughing up dirty river water by your feet.
I learnt to swim then, when you told me you were only teaching me a lesson. I wanted to be better then you, and that you would notice it.
Do you remember the time, lethallin, when were given the last of the lingonberries? We thought they were our spoils for catching a rabbit, like Andruil herself drove it to our hands. And even though I know now it was set up for us, the indulged children of clan Mahariel… It was our sweet victory. I knew then that despite being a child all legs and tangles, I knew what I wanted to do. That you would be there to see it to the end, like you always were.
I put my blade to the throat of the animal and I cut it quickly, blood warm and dripping down my knife hand, because you could not; I did not say anything when you told the hunters that you did it instead, rabbit held in your hands like a trophy.
And I say these things to you because I know you can still hear me. Even if I whisper them, they'll be carried. Because I know some how they will reach you, of that I do not doubt. I have seen many things Elgar'nan Himself cannot explain. I give my thanks to the Creators and leave my offerings whenever I can, but I do not mourn for you, not yet.
II. The Second Time
When I killed for you the second time, it was the blood of a human on my hands. He had you by the throat and I stabbed him right between the shoulder blades with my pocket knife; I don't remember what he looked like, but I remember the reek of him the most.
The first time the blade slipped in I did not have the strength and I barely grazed skin. But when I heard you choke under his hands I found it. The clan found our screams then and stepped in. I remember the warriors dragging us away after; one had blood on his cheek, a stain of red against lined skin. I don't know why I remember that the most, but I do.
The human's body was hung from the trees as a warning. We moved on, chasing the caravans still without speaking about it ever again, bruises livid around your neck. We were punished for playing so far away from the camp, and we sulked in our closely guarded 'prison.'
We ran away again, of course we did. We were never ones for doing as we were told, always in trouble for something.
When the summer drifted to autumn and leaves turned to rust, I started to bleed that year. The women of the clan told me my duties, and my role shifted slightly. I thought I had to put childish things away, that I was moving on without you. So I begged you, asked you that it was time for us to don our vallaslin. We would be adults, and make our people proud.
Oh, the elders knew. Of course they did. The Keeper was only testing us, knowing we would fail; we were still to young, but we thought we could take on the world.
It hurt, I knew it would. The first time I cried out I was sent back with no shame, but I wept my failure. When I heard your shout, I was relieved; you would not leave me behind. Even though you hated me then, you punished yourself. But still you raged at me like it was my fault, and I took it, unbending. Why did you kiss me after, Tamlen?
If I speak about you, will you not be forgotten? I will be your lore keeper. I will know your secrets; they will not rot on the vine and wither.
III. The Third Time
My brother, my lover. I wished you were both. I used to pretend I would wake up and your Mother was mine. She would kiss me and sing me songs like she did you, brushing my hair into plaits and ribbons like Mothers did. I knew the clan loved me, I knew I was looked after… But I still was jealous of what you had, you see. You had someone who would soothe you to sleep when you cried out at night, the shadows of the aravel upon you like beasts.
I dragged you by the hand in summer and I would wear daisy chains and forget-me-nots in my hair, both teased by the gang of girls you hated so much. You would always let me pretend we were hand fasted and we would go through our naïve 'ceremony' to the music of giggling, but you would always run off before it ended.
You never stayed for too long when I wanted to play those games. While I could always catch you up, I would always lie and say they were only stupid pastimes for girls, building dens in the wood and climbed trees with you being the only thing real and right. In the end, the flowers I wore were always destroyed in our games, wilted and broken in the dirt where we forgot about them. Perhaps I never was one for such things, maybe I will always be one of the boys like you.
Somehow I was a better fighter when we started to learn the way of Andruil together. I don't know why, but I was. When we used to spar, you used to cheat. You would touch me and I would always yield, betrayed by my weakness. Did you love me, Tamlen? I never knew why you put distance between us then, why you would suffer my company so unwillingly.
It made me so angry, so hurt… But I knew, you see. I was better then you, and I'm sorry I rubbed it in your face, lethallin, I'm sorry. But it was all I had when you pushed me away, and you always did in the end.
So the third time I killed for you it was out of my hate. I took your glory as my own, and this time I claimed the spoils. And when we dragged the ineptly skinned pelt I butchered back to the camp, you stood by and let me take it as mine, despite your arrows bringing the animal down first.
I never knew why you did not say anything.
IV: The Forth Time
This part hurts the most, Tamlen. I cannot speak of it, so I write it down. The human I travel with gave me a rose and I threw it back in his face. What would I do with a rose? He thought I was some delicate thing, you see; too used to the flat-ears from the human cities, weak and insipid things with no life blood. How you would have laughed along with me, this shem who told me I was a flower.
Do you remember the time we found the spring? We followed it all the way up as we found the pool. I thought it was warm enough that night to swim, and you called me a fool as I jumped into the water. I never was reckless enough for spur of the moment idiocy, but somehow that night with the kill still on my mind I wanted to do something. There had to be a part of those hours good enough for us to claim as our own, so the kill would not bring shame to the day of our initiation.
The man was a lone traveller. He reached for his weapons but our arrows found him in the night first. We left him there, not touching his things. We should have buried him, burnt him like the humans do to their kind. Instead we ran like frightened halla, startled by our own action.
We ran forever, the wind stinging the cuts left by the vallasin on my face still. We ended by that spring, and I wanted to claim it to be ours, a new source of water good enough to bring back to the clan to show we were not clumsy killers with our marks still wet on our faces.
It was freezing the water, of course it was. My hands were shaking and my teeth were chattering from the cold. Desperately I kissed you when you helped me out of the pool, and your hands found me. When you kissed me back I cried out then finally, lips hurting from the tattoo still.
You touched me, held me to you, and I wish I remembered everything we did, we said... I am angry now because I sometimes forget what you look like, and I want so hard to remember now. The shape of your cheekbones and the colour of your eyes are things I cannot recall vividly anymore. Sometimes you are a blur in my memories, and it hurts me badly.
I'm sorry that I am weak and that I am crying for you now. Please forgive me, Tamlen. I will kill again and again if it would bring you home to me.