Well, I went to see RE: Extinction the second day it was out, and although I definitely will stick by my beloved games always, it was pretty decent. I mean, I like the movies (just 'cause they're RE), but I love the games. The games are my life.
Anywho, before I went to see the movie, I had been talking about Alice with my friend and writing partner, Nonliving-Nightmare. We were joking around about how I'd like to sock Alice in the face, and it went through several scenarios of ways to kill Alice – ending with me suggesting Carlos flatten her head and she survives, becoming "Pancake Head". During the movie (in between my mom saying "Oh my God" and "Oh no!" repeatedly), I got the idea to make it into a story. At the moment, I'm not sure if this will be so much of a parody or a weird and random re-telling of the film(s)…This will probably be the only time I ever really write about the movies, so it's bound to be amazingly stupid. And I can guarantee everything will be a little out of order, and the dialogue will be pretty different – it is a bit of a re-telling, after all. Let's see, what else? Well, as the tag line says, there's a rather mean narrator. I wasn't originally aiming for a narrator, it's actually an idea I had for one part that ended up becoming an ongoing chunk of plot. The narrator basically makes fun of everyone, makes things happen, stuff like that – essentially, the way the narration works is that anything that's not character dialogue is being said out loud by the narrator and certain people can hear it. It'll make more sense over time. Also, a lot of characters won't be called by their names… Because I want it that way. And it goes with the narrator's bad attitude.
Better get to work. I'm also writing a school play version of this in "The Substitutes".
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Resident Pancake Head
By Burning Bridges
Chapter One: Narrator Trouble
"Get there if you can and see the land you once were proud to own, though the roads have almost vanished and the expresses never run…" Alice was reciting to herself as she rode along the highway on her motorcycle, the wind in her hair.
Woe to you, O Earth and Sea… Since there really isn't any water now.
That's right. There are no oceans anymore. Pretty much the whole world turned to desert – which doesn't make a lot of sense to me… How would the virus cause that? And to top that off, if the oceans dried up, everything in them would die… And that means the food chain would eventually collapse… Which explains almost all the humans dying, but still not the oceans drying up… Huh.
Welcome to the movie-verse version of the "Resident Evil" series. Starring the Alice-in-Wonderland-themed Ada-impersonator, Alice. Some people like her, some people hate her… I'm about .5/99.5 on that… Whether you like her or not, this will be an interesting tale for everyone.
'But between the day and night the choice is free to all; and light falls equally on black and white.'
"Who said that? Who's talking?" Alice asks, staring up at the sky as she nearly takes out a signpost because she's not paying attention to where she's going.
Uh… No one.
"Great. That means I'm hearing things. And the desert is apparently copying my poetry-reciting."
Just then her front tire sends a rock flying through the air, and it nails her in the head, causing her to pass out on the handlebars while the bike keeps going, driving completely off the road in a random direction, swerving and barely missing cactuses.
Take that!
Somewhere else in the desert…
A convoy is driving along a highway vaguely reminiscent of Route 666. Claire is presently leading it, because she has nothing better to do –
"What do you mean, 'I have nothing better to do'?!" she shouts at the sky, and the girl with her, K-Mart, gives her a funny look.
"Who are you talking to?"
Claire shuts up, and lets me continue.
"I heard that, you asshole!"
One, go to hell, you annoying stand-in for a character I like. Two, you're not supposed to be able to hear me – this is a soliloquy. Sort of one, anyway.
"Yeah, well, I can hear you, and you're being a bitch!"
"Claire, you're starting to scare me…" K-Mart said, moving as close to the door as she could, fearfully.
"Err… I was just… Pretending I'm in a movie, that's all. Ignore me."
Hahaha, shut down.
"Oh, you stupid - "
In the school bus, following the convoy…
The greasy bus driver drove along obliviously happy, just like the dumbass he is.
"I take exception to that," the bus driver said, and everyone on the bus exchanged odd looks.
Shut the hell up, and watch the road. You're about to run over a zombie.
"Oh, you're right." He cheerfully turned up "In-a-gadda-da-vida" and said zombie bit the dust. Then the song suddenly changed.
"I believe I can fly. I got shot by the FBI. All I wanted was a chicken wing, then my mom cut off my thing…" said the stereo.
"Did you do that?? You know, that really isn't appropriate for the kids on the bus."
Hey, when I was in elementary school, everyone used to sing that on the bus.
"That's really weird. Now I'm putting Iron Butterfly back on."
No, you're not. I've been joking to people for years that I want that to play at my wedding instead of the wedding march… And you just make it creepy.
"In-a-gadda-da-vida, baby. Don't you know that I – Every little thing I do never seems enough for you. You don't want to lose it again, but I'm not like them. Baby, when you finally get to love somebody, guess what? It's gonna be me."
"I am NOT listening to NSuck," the bus driver said, screwing around with the stereo again.
Fine, if you don't want NSync, and you insist on 70's music, deal with this.
"My, my, at Waterloo Napoleon did surrender. And I have met my destiny in quite a similar way…"
"Oh God, turn that off!"
No, I like this song.
"Waterloo – couldn't escape if I wanted to. Waterloo – knowing my fate is to be with you. Whooooaaaa, Waterloo – finally facing my Waterloo. Aaaaahhhhh…"
In a lab somewhere in the middle of Nevada… Watch, it's Area 51, or something…
Dr. Isaacs, a.k.a. "Psycho-Bastard-That-Seems-Happy-At-Unacceptable-Times", or maybe even "Sir Isaac Newton", is watching Alice clones get butchered in somewhat entertaining ways. And he's stuffing popcorn in his face while he does it.
"Hm… They keep failing to escape. Oh well. Hey, guys, get rid of the body and release another Alice!"
Just then an apple cracks him in the head. "Where did that come from?"
And then another, and another…
"God damn it! I'm not Sir Isaac Newton!"
Sure you're not. Hey… He didn't hear me.
"I heard you, I'm just ignoring you."
Why is your name plural? Do you have split personalities? Is one of them Sir Isaac Newton?
"Go away, I'm busy."
Anyway, he has some retarded idea of making intelligent zombies, and right now he should be working on it, but instead he's being a jerk and wasting time.
"Well, aren't you the negative one?"
Screw you, old man. Go to your meeting with "Chancellor Wesker" already.
"Oh, right. I forgot about that. Thank you, disembodied snob."
I will laugh so hard when something bad happens to you.
"Right. Like that will happen."
In the Meeting Room Deep Underground…
A bunch of generic people no one cares about are sitting around, while Wesker, who somehow became a Chancellor, is sitting at the head of the table. He really doesn't look half bad… I kinda figured they'd do a horrible job of portraying him…
"What is that voice and what is it talking about?" one of the generic idiots suddenly asks, breaking the silence.
"That," started Wesker, seemingly not bothered, "Is an omniscient being that would appear to follow people around. It has been dubbed 'The Narrator', due to its constant discussion of what's going on at a specific time".
"I'm not an 'idiot'," the generic moron who started talking in the first place said sadly. "And I'm not a 'moron' either."
Yeah, well, I'm not an 'it'.
"Uh… Is anyone else freaked out by the fact that there's an ethereal voice that follows people around and describes what's going on?" another one of the generic people asked.
"No," answered Wesker. "It has been around for a while now. Everyone eventually gets used to it."
Dr. Isaacs entered, his lab coat trailing slightly in the air, giving him an almost ghostly appearance. "Oh, great… The voice is here, also?"
I'm happy to see you, too.
"This is what I have to put up with. This preposterous 'narrator' is a nuisance."
"Until a way is found to dispose of it, you'll just have to make due with the distraction," Wesker said simply, not concerned in the least.
HA, you bastard!
Dr. Isaacs rolled his eyes, and decided it was better just to get this over with. "Precisely, because you won't leave me alone."
"Isaacs, state your business immediately. You are wasting our time – we didn't call for you to demonstrate your personal sideshow."
"Sorry," he murmured, kind of wishing he could strangle Wesker right now.
Wesker raised an eyebrow at him, and he smiled nervously.
"Shut your trap!" he shouted at the ceiling. Composing himself, he began. "So far Project Alice has been - "
Going nowhere.
Dr. Isaacs glared at the ceiling, and slowly commenced again. "I think I am about to - "
Ruin everything, because I suck.
He paused a moment, an even fouler look adorning his features. When he was sure he wouldn't be interrupted again, he continued. "I - "
Swear it's true, I was just about to say 'I love you', Wesker.
"That is it! I can't stomach this intolerable crank anymore! You make fun of me, imply that I'm homosexual, and interrupt my research every single time I am about to get somewhere! You, whatever you are, stay FAR away from me!"
Want to know something weird? Master P says 'Nnnnaaaa… Na na, na na'.
Nearly everyone in the room exchanged uncomfortable looks.
Wesker went to speak. "We had - "
Hold on. This needs the perfect music.
Suddenly music began to play somewhere. "Don't turn around, oh oh! Der Kommissar's in town, oh oh! He's got the power and you're so weak and you're frustration will not let you speak!"
The doctor ran his hand down his face, exasperated, while Wesker seemed unaffected. "We had better see results soon, Dr. Isaacs."
Dr. Isaacs begrudgingly headed for the door, while the holograms of his colleagues disappeared from their spots around the table, and I go to check on somebody else.
"Good! Good riddance!" he shouted, leaving the room.
Back in the Convoy…
Claire was radioing everyone, trying to locate a cigarette… Chain-smoker.
"Excuse me?!" she shouted, letting go of the steering wheel to shake her, now free, fist at the windshield, and then quickly grabbing the wheel again before the vehicle careened off the road.
Hey, at least I won't be the one with lung cancer.
Before Claire could respond, Carlos radioed back. "Is something wrong in there? You just nearly took out a cactus."
"Yeah, there is," she said nastily.
"Is… that 'the voice' I hear in the background?"
"Yeah, it is. The stupid thing came back."
"What came back?" K-Mart asked.
"Okay, look, you're not going to believe this, but there's this voice that only some of us can hear, and it follows us around saying what we're doing and making jokes," Claire replied.
"You're kidding me, right?" the girl said in disbelief.
Hi, K-Mart. Do you have a twin named Walmart?
"… … What was that?"
"That's the voice," Claire muttered.
"… Why couldn't I hear it before?"
In order for you to hear me, I first have to either address you directly, or talk about you when you're alone. After that, you can hear me whenever I'm in the same vicinity as you.
"Um… How does that make sense?"
Don't ask me. Try asking Smokearella, there.
"If I ever find you, you're dead!" Claire shouted.
I think I'll check in on someone else now. Your threats are boring me.
In another truck…
Carlos was driving along, with the retarded cab driver that makes me laugh… Well, did before this, anyway.
"I have a name, ya know," the cab driver said defensively, "And why don't I make you laugh anymore?"
I know, and I don't care. And you're just not that funny anymore. Maybe a little, but not very.
"Why would I care about making somebody I can't even see laugh?"
"Just ignore her," Carlos said, keeping his eyes on the road.
Yeah, ignore me. Hey, Carlos – you're the first person not to call me 'it', or something to that effect. Nice.
He just smiled. The cab driver twiddled his thumbs.
"So, what are you, anyway? And where are you?"
I'm a human, and I'm sitting in front of a computer.
"Alright, and how do you know what's going on?"
That is for me to know, and you to wonder about because I won't tell.
"I think you owe us an explanation after the last six months of bugging us all the time."
Too bad.
"You suck."
Well, that's something I'm alright with.
"Come on, you can't just tell us something? Like, one thing?"
No.
"Do you have to be such a bitch?"
"Be polite," Carlos said, glancing over at the cab driver briefly. "She might be just a voice to us that can get annoying sometimes, but I imagine she has feelings like we do."
Hm, yeah… But not when it comes to any of you.
"See? Bitch," the cab driver said.
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The first chapter is always the hardest… But I had a lot of fun working on it, actually. I think this story will help me fend off the writer's block from coming back again, and that makes me happy – seriously. When I have writer's block, I get really touchy about my writing. Anywho, this was weird. And the narrator is… extremely bizarre. The narrator picks on Claire a lot in particular namely because I didn't like the movie version of her. I like her in the games, just not in the movie. There's going to be this sort of backstory that she and the narrator have never gotten along; where that will go, I'm not sure.
I know Alice didn't have much of a role this time, but the next chapter will focus more on her… As well as set in motion the start the "killing crusade" that leads to her pancake head status.
Okay, that's it for chapter one. Leave me a review and let me know what you think!