A/N: Stephenie Meyer owns the characters. I had fun playing with Charlie, though.

Thanks to Lacym3 for pre-reading and Catonspeed for inspiring me.

A Little Me Time

It had been a long time. A really fucking long time. And a man can only take so much.

Truth was, the only women I'd been with since the day Renee walked out the door with Bella all those years ago were my friends Rosie Palm and her five eager sisters. And even where she was concerned, it had been months since we'd visited.

Mentally, I calculated how much time had passed since I'd picked Bella up from the airport in Port Angeles when she moved up here to live with me so her mom could go out on the road with Phil. Seventeen months.

Seventeen months? I repeated the figure in my head. Had it really been that long? That's ridiculous!

It was true though; I flat out refused to...er, take care of personal business... when my daughter was in the house. I guess if Renee and I had stayed together, it would have been different. I mean, that was the one thing that Renee and I always did right together. But somehow, this seemed different to me. After all, a kid walking in on their parents making love was pretty disturbing. But my baby girl walking on me while I'm getting myself off... Well, that's just traumatizing. Not to mention the shame I'd feel would be so much that I'd probably never be able to spout off again.

This weekend, though, Bella was staying over at the Cullen's house with Alice while the rest of them went out camping. I had the house to myself.

Just me and my needs.

I eyed the switch near the rearview mirror of my cruiser. Seventeen months without relief qualified as an emergency, didn't it?

I arrived at the house and made my way inside, trying to appear casual. For some reason, I felt like my neighbors would know what I was up to just by looking at me, and I couldn't help but look over my shoulder as I walked into the house. I shut the door behind me, and locked it too, then added the chain lock just in case. Better safe than sorry.

I decided to relax a little before I got down to the business at hand, so I walked into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator to get a Vitamin R. And that's when I found a big casserole dish with a note taped to the top from Bella.

My little girl is so good to me. Always taking care of her ole Dad.

I shook my head clear of the thoughts. I did not want to think about Bella right now. Quickly grabbing the beer, I closed the fridge and walked into the living room, undoing the top few buttons of my uniform shirt before I sat down on the couch. Popping the tab, I took a long swig of beer before resting my head on the back of the couch.

Usually, when I came home from work, I found it easy to sit here on the couch, beer in one hand and remote control in the other, just relaxing while the Mariners played. But today was different. It was like my whole body knew what my plans for the evening were, and the muscles had all tensed up with anticipation of the big event.

I didn't remember this being so hard last time. Well, it had been hard, but... Oh hell. Just forget it. You know what I meant.

Laughing uncomfortably at my own thoughts, even though I was the only one in the room, I decided that it was time to get this show on the road. I was pretty sure that it was the only way I'd ever be able to relax.

Eyeing the remote as if it were a suspect I was closing in on, I thought about the pay-per-view channel that I had pretended didn't exist for the past seventeen months. For a long time after she left me, I had still fantasized about Renee when I took care of myself, but I'd turned to porn when Billy convinced me years ago that it wasn't such a good idea to think about her all the time.

No, I wasn't doing it all the time! I meant that... God damn, what the hell was wrong with me this evening? And why in the hell was I thinking about Billy right now?

I slapped my open palm against my forehead. It was time for more beer. I was obviously too uptight to do this right now.

I walked into the kitchen and took out the casserole dish that Bella had left in the fridge, scooped some of the pasta out onto a plate, and warmed it up. Might as well eat, right? Not like I'm getting anything else done anytime soon. Rolling my eyes at my own thoughts, I carried my plate and a second can of Vitamin R into the dining room and sat down at the table.

I ate quickly. Too quickly. Damn nerves. Really, who ever heard of a man being nervous about polishing his own rod? You'd think I was twelve years old or something. With a sigh, I realized that I'd caused my own problem by making this out to be such a big deal. It was an orgasm, not a rocket launch. Well, it kind of... Never mind.

After I washed my plate and tossed the second beer can into the trash, I figured it was as good a time as any to try again. I wasn't thinking about anyone that would mess up the mood, there was no one here, and damn it, no pressure!

You can do this, Swan.

I walked over to the couch and picked up the remote from the table beside it as I gave myself another ridiculous silent pep talk. I was glad no one was seeing this – I'd never live it down.

That thought reminded me – better check the curtains. With the way my shit was going today, it'd be my luck that Mrs Cope from next door would show up with a pie or something right when I was in the middle. And the last thing I needed in my life was for Mrs Cope to see my pecker.

I grimaced as I smacked myself in the head once again. Why in the hell did I keep cockblocking myself? Mrs Cope was hardly an image that brought on a hard on.

After pulling the curtains shut with a huff of frustration, I went over to check that the door was locked again. And then, after a minute of consideration, I opened the door, grabbed the key that we hid right above the ledge, and slipped it into my pocket. Then I shut the door and locked it once again, sliding the chain lock into place as well.

There. No one's getting in, no one's looking in. Complete privacy.

I sat back down on the couch and picked up the remote for the third time. Clicking the tv on, I thumbed my way through the channels until I reached the one I was looking for. There were three movies to choose from. The Curious Case of Benjamin's Butthole was an easy one to turn down. Really not what I was looking for. The next channel had Girth, Wind, and Fire. What the hell? Wind? Was that one of those kinky fetish things? I quickly turned to the last one, and it looked promising: Alice Does Wonderland.

Settling on that one, I clicked the button to accept payment and unbuckled my belt as I settled in to watch the show.

I was one minute into the movie – Alice was taking a shot of tequila that had a little ribbon on it that read "Drink Me" - when I suddenly panicked, wondering whether I had remembered to lock the back door. That was the way Jacob always came in.

Fuck.

I got up off the couch and quickly closed my pants, then made my way to the back door. The door, of course, was already locked, but I made sure that every curtain in the back side of the house was pulled shut too, even though no one could actually see into the living room from any of those windows. There was just no telling, though. It was much better to play it safe.

Satisfied that I wasn't going to get caught, I grabbed another beer from the fridge as I passed it and made my way back to the couch and my movie. I closed my eyes as I sat down and took a deep breath, determined to clear my head. There was no reason for this not to work out this time.

Leaning back against the arm of the couch, I opened up my pants and ran my hand over my boxer-covered package, giving him a little encouragement to wake up and join the party. Turning my eyes to the screen, I watched as Alice met the "Mad Hatter." It didn't take long before Alice was down on her knees in front of him, opening his pants and pulling out his dick. I pulled my own out as she did it, slowly stroking my hand up and down its length as it hardened.

As Alice's lips wrapped around his head, I started to get into it, my eyes closing just for a second as I remembered what it felt like the last time I had a hot, wet mouth surrounding me. I was about four strokes in, my heart rate already speeding up and my thighs spreading open even further, when the camera angle changed, and the screen was filled with a close up of Alice as she took the Mad Hatter's dick all the way into her mouth.

My own dick went soft immediately, and I threw my hands in the air in utter frustration. Why in the fuck did this porn star have to look so much like my daughter?

Tucking myself back into my pants, I turned off the tv and threw the remote down on the floor. Maybe the Bible-thumpers were right about masturbation, and God really did look down on it. Or maybe I did something really bad in a past life, and Karma had finally come to get me. Whatever the hell it was, it was really fucking with my plans.

I walked over to the hook by the front door and pulled my gun out of the holster, then headed for the back yard as I loaded bullets into it. I was going out into the woods behind the house for a little target practice, because, clearly, my gun was going to be the only thing I was shooting off tonight.

I woke up the next morning, grumpy as all hell, and went down to the kitchen for some coffee. While I waited for the machine to brew me a cup, I gathered my fishing supplies. I had decided the night before, while I thinned out the squirrel population a bit, to spend the day out fishing. Just me and the water. It was my favorite way of relaxing, and since the other way was clearly not going to work...

An hour later, the boat was drifting with the current and my line was baited and waiting for a bite. I ran a finger over my mustache thoughtfully as I waited for a fish to come along, wondering for a minute if it was time for a new look. I quickly pushed the thought away. Damn 'stache was my trademark! And it gave me legitimacy as a cop. All good cops have a mustache, I thought with a nod.

I had a pretty good afternoon out on the boat, and when I returned to the house I had three nice-sized salmon in my cooler. I packed them properly and put them in the freezer with the date written on them, just like Bella always asked me to, and then got all my gear stored away. Once all that was done, I went to the table by the couch to check for any messages on the answering machine.

There was a message waiting there for me, all right, but not on the machine. I furrowed my brow as I picked up the little card that was standing up against the phone.

Who in the hell was in my house?

Completely ignoring the writing on the card, I walked as quietly as I could to where my gun was stored and pulled it out, loading it before I made my way into the hall. I moved with stealth I hadn't had to use since I was in the Academy, checking every room in my little house until I had verified that no one was in there other than me.

Someone had been, though, that was for sure. Because I sure as hell didn't leave a business card advertising Hot Girls next to my phone. It had to have been some type of prank, because really, who breaks into the house of the Chief of damn Police, takes nothing, and leaves a sex hotline business card behind?

Someone who's doing you a favor, Charlie, I thought.

And with that thought, I realized that the solution for my problem may have just presented itself. The porno options clearly hadn't been helpful, but this could actually work. After all, it would get me out of my own head for awhile.

I was gonna need a beer first. Or two. Hell, I might need the whole damn six-pack – I hadn't talked dirty to a woman in... Yeah, a long time.

Just thinking about having a sultry feminine voice whispering in my ear, however, was already adding fuel to my fire. My jeans began to tighten up a bit in anticipation of the main event, so I grabbed a Vitamin R from the fridge and popped it open, then set about on my journey of lock-checking and curtain-pulling.

I ended my surveillance-blocking mission in my bedroom, where I eyed the bed with a nod. Yeah, better to do it in here. I pulled the quilt back and propped up some pillows in a way that looked comfortable. Then, with a deep breath to steady myself, I started popping the buttons on my flannel shirt, letting it slip down my arms and fall to the floor when it was completely open. Running a hand over my abs on my way to my belt, I felt a little smug about the fact that I still had a damn good body. More of that body was showing a few seconds later when my pants and boxers hit the floor.

I climbed into my bed, naked as the day I was born, and picked up the card that I had tossed down on the mattress a few minutes before, turning it over several times in my hand.

I was really gonna do this.

Before I could talk myself out of it, I dialed the number. I had to go through a whole lot of bullshit before anything good was gonna happen, I quickly learned. I had to press '1' to get a woman, then '2' to get a woman who liked men, and '8' for none of the above after listening to a long list of fetishes that the women who liked men could indulge.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the low voice of a woman greeted me in a sultry whisper. "Well, hello there. How are you doing today?"

"I'm good," I said, feeling almost awkward. Hoping to be doing even better soon, though.

"So what's your name?"

Like some stuttering nerd from the high school A/V squad, I only managed to spit out the first syllable of my name before I stopped in my tracks. A second thought made me wonder if I really wanted this stranger to know my name. I mean, what if she lived in this town?

Oh good lord, what if she lives in this town?

Stop it. Stop it right now, Charlie, I mentally scolded myself as my dick considered the possibility of going somewhere to hide.

A name. I needed a name. I was just about to tell her I was Sonny Crockett from God damn Miami Vice when I realized that if she called me Sonny, I'd probably think of my grandfather, which really wasn't going to get us anywhere.

Fuck... I was running out of time. She was going to think I was some sort of moron if I took more than thirty seconds to think of my own name.

"Mack," I finally blurted out, giving her the name of the damn drug-sniffing dog that just laid around the station all day because we never actually had any reason to use him.

"Hi, Mack," she purred. "I'm Rosario."

"H..Hi Rosario," I stuttered. I stopped and took a deep breath. It didn't matter how fucking ridiculous I felt. I was Mack. Mack the fucking sex god. I dripped... No, wrong word. Oozed... Fuck, definitely not that. I was full of sexual prowess. I would get this woman to breathe hard in my ear in ways no other customer ever had. And then, I would get mine.

Finally.

"Tell me baby," I said, lowering my voice just a little, the way I'd always done when I wanted to get Renee to go to bed with me. "What are you wearing?"

I listened as she painted an image for me. "Hot pink triangle bikini top," she breathed, "with a matching g-string that ties on the sides. And the best part, Mack? My heels... They have hot pink ribbons that wind up my legs all the way to my knees. Can't you just see them, Mack, leading away from your body when I hike my ankles up on your hips?"

It was a damn good image. I closed my eyes and pictured her reclining in front of me, blonde...no, red...hair splayed everywhere across the pillows, full breasts threatening to fall out of her tiny bikini top at any moment, and full, pouty, brightly-painted lips slightly parted, begging me for more...

I stroked myself slowly to start, offering a small grunt as I felt myself getting into it.

"I can see that, baby," I replied in a gravely voice. "We're gonna leave those shoes on for the duration, Rosario. I'll want to feel the heels against my skin when I'm fucking you hard, your ankles crossing behind my back as you try to hold on. Does that sound good, baby?"

She gave me a whimper. "Don't waste time, do you, Mack? What if I wanted to suck that big dick of yours first? You gonna let me do that?"

Imagining, for the second time in two days, soft lips gliding over the head of my dick, I gave her a low moan. "Suck me, baby."

I pictured myself wrapping my hands in her long hair as she dropped to her knees before me, holding on to her head as I encouraged her to take me deeper and deeper.

"I bet you taste good," she mewed. "Mmmm...and so big. I'm going to tease you, Mack... lick the whole length, then circle the head with my tongue...over and over."

Her breathy voice was so sexy that she could have been reading the damn phone directory and it would have made me hard, but combined with the words she was saying... Holy shit. I knew now that it had been far too long since I'd had any relief, because already my tip was dripping. I didn't care, though. I just pumped harder.

"I'm going to open my mouth after I'm done teasing, let it slide down your cock until you fill my mouth. Mmm...I'm touching myself while I suck you, Mack. You should feel how wet my pussy is for you."

The image of the girl's fingers rubbing herself, slipping in and out... God, I was already close.

"Get up," I commanded, gripping my throbbing dick even tighter. "Get on your back. I want to feel just how wet you are."

"Fuck me, Mack."

"Oh, I will. I'll fuck you so hard you won't remember your own name." I almost laughed out loud at the irony of my statement. I was willing to bet a hefty amount that neither one of us was using our real name right now anyway. Then I remembered that shit like that didn't matter when my dick was about to fucking explode. "Fuck, you are so wet for me, Rosario," I said as I imagined sliding into her.

She moaned, long and low. "Oh god, Mack," she said, panting. "You're so fucking sexy."

Damn right I am. I'm Charlie Swan, God damn it.

In my head, I pumped my hips hard against her. I could hear the slap of skin as my thighs met her ass over and over. My own grip on my dick mirrored the way I imagined her pussy would feel, holding me tightly inside of her. My breathing got rougher as I listened to her soft whimpers, imagining that she was right there under me.

I pictured myself leaning down into her, feeling the sweat from both our bodies as her breasts flattened against my chest.

"Tell me how much you want me," I demanded.

"God, Mack... No one else could make me feel this way," she groaned. "Oh... Oh god..." Her voice was deeper than ever at the end, and it was all I could take.

I moaned a bunch of nonsense words as I came, my head and back lifting up off the mattress as I finally got the relief that I'd needed for so long. When I came back down to rest against the cool sheets, soaked in sweat, my dick still twitching in my hand, I remembered that I was on the phone.

"Thank you, Rosario," I panted.

"Anytime, Mack," she said sweetly. "Good bye."

I clicked the button to end the call and let the phone fall down by my side. Not two seconds passed before someone started banging on the front door.

"You've gotta be kidding me," I groaned.

I wanted to lay in bed and relax, maybe even fall asleep, but whoever was outside banged on the door again. Clearly I was getting no afterglow nap.

Reaching over to the bedside table for some napkins, I cleaned myself up and got dressed, grumbling the whole time about how whoever was at my door better be having a damn emergency or I was going to give them one of my own, and then walked down to the front door.

I ran a hand through my hair and wiped the sweat off my brow, hoping to God it wasn't obvious what I'd just been doing, and then removed the chain and unlocked the door. I didn't even have time to turn the handle before the person outside did it for me.

Emmett – Bella's boyfriend's massive older brother – opened the door with a grin on his face, his gorgeous girlfriend standing right beside him. "How's it going, Chief?" he asked.

He'd better want something, that was all I was saying. Because if he came here just to shoot the shit, I was gonna kill him.

"It's just fine," I answered tensely.

"Having a good afternoon?" he asked, smirking.

Wondering what he was up to, I looked over at Rosalie, who looked like she was about to burst.

"What in the hell is going on here?" I demanded.

"Not a damn thing, Chief," he replied, that damn grin not getting any smaller.

"Rosalie, I have things to do. Tell me what you want," I demanded.

Emmett burst out laughing, and I raised a brow at the girl, who smirked. "I already did, Mack."

I recognized the voice immediately. "Don't you ever tell Bella," I shouted. Then, slamming the door in their faces, I leaned up against it with my hands over my face. I could hear the two of them laughing outside on my front stoop, and I wished there was a way to just disappear into a hole in the center of the earth. Forever. Because I was never going to live this down.

"All I wanted was a little me time," I moaned.

A/N: I'd love to hear what you thought!