STORY NOTES: After watching AHBL2, I was haunted by the pained, stunned expression on Dean's face as he came face to face with the father he had loved, after they kill the Yellow Eyed Demon. This is my interpretation of why Dean was not dancing for joy. Just a little something I wanted to share...Please review with YOUR thoughts.
Shit! I couldn't say a friggin' word in my own defense and I'm really not sure I can even explain this properly to myself now.
Last night, Ellen told me that she'd expected to see me grinning like the Cheshire cat when you appeared out of Hell, especially when you touched my shoulder the way you did!
Dad, I felt so damned confused when I saw you walking FREE! I was speechless and couldn't even respond. I saw that warm smile, the one you always flashed at me when I'd made you proud, done something right. It warmed my heart and made it swell 'til I thought it would burst, just like it always did ever since I was a kid!
But, Dad, seeing you free from the boundaries of Hell chilled me too! Chilled not just my bones but my very soul!
I was... I was happy for you... Sad for me!
When Sammy died that night, I died, too! I felt suffocated, crushed by the weight of it all. Was bad enough when I lost you, but at least I could pour all my heart and energy into Sam. He was my life! My reason to exist! Dad, without Sammy, I didn't want to live…couldn't live.
But Sam, without ME, could have a real life, a normal life. He only came back to hunting because of me. I dragged him back into this life. Tore him away from NORMAL, Dad!
That night as I sat beside his cold, lifeless body, I knew what had to be done. Knew I could set everything right for Sammy, for you! Sam could have the real life he deserved and you wouldn't have to be alone in that place anymore. It was such an EASY fix!!
When that bitch kissed me, sealing that soul-damning deal, I was okay with it. I really was! As long as Sammy was breathing… living... Even if I'd only gotten a few minutes to say goodbye, like you did, Dad, I still would have taken that deal.
If I couldn't have Sam by my side before the deal, at least I knew I'd have you beside me, after it!
You and me, Dad, just like it was after Sam left. The Winchesters… The hunters… side-by-side… back-to-back! Fighting father. Soldier son.
It was gonna be me by your side because you NEVER should have been there in the first place and never, ever ALONE! You had suffered so much, Dad. So many losses… Mom, your business, Caleb, Pastor Jim and so many others! I guess you musta figured losing me was going to hurt Sam too much. But you were better than me, Dad! A better hunter… a better man! I couldn't bear knowing.. still can't bear knowing you volunteered for Hell to save me! ME!!
You know, Dad, I was almost looking forward to it! To being by your side again, no matter where we were. We're just so much stronger together! Hell, who knows, maybe together we could have been running that hellacious place!!
I'll be strong when my 'time' comes… for Sammy. But now, Dad, will I really be strong? Strong for ME?!
Can I do this alone now, with the kind of strength I know I'll need to have? Like the strength YOU had?
Can I do this knowing you that you WON'T be waiting for me on the other end, like I had believed the night I cut that damned deal?
Can I, Dad?
How can I admit even to myself… I'M SCARED!
Help me, Dad. Help me be strong!