Title: Death Running Through Your Veins
Disclaimer: I own NCIS... Yeah right, would be nice if I could put that above my stories, don't you think?
Spoilers: If you have not yet seen any episode of season 7, then it has spoilers.
Summary: Ziva has returned to NCIS and everything should be back to normal… The reality is that nothing is as it was.
Rating: Mainly T, but stays closely to M.
Warnings: Deals with self harm/cutting. So the story gets quite dark every now and then.
A/N: Reposted all of the chapters after revising them. Reviews are still very much appreciated. Enjoy reading
Chapter one: Gibbs' mistake
Somalia had been tough on all of them. He knew his team, he saw it. And he definitely realized that Ziva was not alright. She was good at fooling people.
DiNozzo and McGee just took it, but not everyone was as easy going as they were. When Ducky had talked to him about her, he had said nothing new, he already realized Ziva hid more than she showed. The conversation they had in his basement had shown that clearly. And when she was forced to tell about what happened on the Damocles, he saw that she was hiding. Something, everything.
He hated Eli David for what he had made of his daughter, a ruthless, soulless killer. He had seen in Ziva's eyes, even before she told him, that Somalia had destroyed her. The feeling of death in her heart came out through her eyes. Ziva breaking down in front of him proofed his thoughts, but he could not do anything, she would never let him.
He had no choice, but to let it be. He could do a lot, only unfortunately not everything: forcing a former-Mossad officer to talk about things she purposely hid from everyone, was one of those things.
After some weeks he realized she was not going home after work, unless he stayed that long that she had no choice. Abby also told him about it, and it made him think; if there was really nothing he should do, if he really had to accept it: shouldn't he be the boss and force her to go home? He decided not.
Sometimes he saw her facades coming down, than he could see a little of the destroyed Ziva, but either DiNozzo or McGee would always comment on her behavior and force her to rebuild those protective walls quickly. A ninja was never to show distress.
After a few weeks it seemed to get a little better, her cheerfulness came back and the long absent teasing between Tony and Ziva returned. He should have known better than to let himself be fooled by it, but he let it happen. Only hoping it was for real.
The first time he saw the flash of pain upon her face after jumping up, when he told them to gear up, he thought nothing of it and later he realized that he also had not seen every wince of pain, that clearly had been present every time she stood up.
Some months after her return he realized that on crime scenes she was working through her pain, when bending down it was clear she fought it back, trying not to let show. Stupid as it later seemed, he kept his mouth shut and did nothing more than watch.
Slowly he saw the fake-but-cheerful Ziva fall down again. The resumed teasing, that he had secretly welcomed, disappeared again. Ziva looked more death that ever before, but just said she had some trouble sleeping. DiNozzo and McGee bought it again, and after pushing a little further he also had to let it be, she did not give him anything.
The day she came in limping did not even crossed his mind as a sign of crashing down until much later, when it was too late. The stairs up to her apartment where simply horrible, even he had almost tripped the first time he walked them.
His Ziva kept falling, he saw, everyone saw; she was not alright. But he was the only one who did not ask, he noticed her mood dropping immediately when someone asked about. He noticed the looks of unease cross her face when the question was brought up again. She did not want the have the questions asked, so he did not ask them. This time he was naïve enough to think it was because of the date: it was about a year ago that Saleem had overpowered Ziva.
Against his expectations that it would slowly get better after that date passed, it only seemed to get worse. He noticed the long sleeves while it was mid-summer, and somewhere deep inside his gut told him things where very wrong; he decided to give himself one week to find out more, after that he would ask.
He watched her closely and now he did see the small, angry red lines coming from under her tucked down sleeves when she reached for a file, he saw the small smear of blood on her hand when she returned from the toilet. Having almost all the pieces now, he put the puzzle together before even half of the day had passed. Why had he not seen it earlier?
He realized he could no longer wait to talk to her, but Vance picked exactly that moment to order him down to his office. Refusing to come was made impossible, as Vance had decided to come down to get him personally.
That day, when he had been in the directors office, Tony had looked up at Ziva and asked her about a bloodstain on her sleeve. When he returned and DiNozzo told him what he had seen, how they had fought and that Ziva had ran away almost immediately, he knew he had waited too long.
He yelled at DiNozzo, for not being more thoughtful on how to bring the subject up, as Ziva's problems rising had been crystal clear to all of them the weeks before. Could he not have been more subtle?
He silently cursed himself, for being so blind for so long, for letting it get this far, for letting Ziva get away with it, instead of him being his usual self; then he would have made her talk months earlier. Trying to protect her from the pain of her memories he had decided not to do that, how could he have been so stupid?
The ride to Ziva's apartment took no more than ten minutes, but when Ziva did not answer the door, he feared for what she might have done, he feared for her live.
One kick cracked the lock, letting him into the apartment.