Warning: Slash. RemusXSirius. Very bad, crude humour.
I do not own Harry Potter and never will (much to my disappointment)
"Hi Remus!"
"Hi Lily!"
"Where's Peter been recently?"
"Huh?"
"Peter? Where is he?"
"Who?"
"Remus! Peter, know him? Short tubby guy?"
"Oh him!"
"Yes. Where is he?"
"Dead."
"What!"
"Peter's dead."
"How!?"
"He was eaten?"
"E- eaten?"
"Yeah. Last full moon."
"Eaten by what!?"
"Werewolf."
"Let me get this straight. Peter was eaten by a werewolf last full moon."
"Yhup. Werewolf went for him 'coz he was the fattest."
"Werewolf … him … fattest."
"Shut your mouth Lily, you'll catch a fly."
"You don't seem too bothered."
"Bothered about what?"
"Peter been eaten."
"You're still on about that!"
"Don't roll your eyes at me! Yes I am because you lot don't seem bothered."
"Nah. He was a little wannabe tag along."
"Oh - okay then. Who was it then?"
"Who was what?"
"Who was the werewolf."
" - Er - "
"I won't tell anyone Remus, promise!"
"It was me."
"You ate your best friend!"
"Yeah. He looked yummy."
"You're a werewolf!"
"Yeah. Didn't wanna be though."
"You ate your best friend!"
"Yes."
"You ate your best friend?!"
"Yes."
"You really ate your best -"
"YES! I ate Peter. Didn't taste very nice though."
"Why?! Why did you eat him!"
"He was the fattest…"
"You ate your best friend though!"
"Yes Lily. We've already established that I ate my best friend."
"You ate your best friend last full moon?"
"Crying out loud Lily! Yes! I did!"
"But - but - but - but - but - why?"
"I'm a werewolf! I didn't do it on purpose!"
"No. No of course not."
"So anything wrong then?"
"No. Not that bad."
"Good."
"It's not as if your secretly sleeping with Sirius is it Remus?"
"- Er -"
"See? That would be strange. You and Sirius."
" - Er -"
"Oh well. Peter's dead."
"Yeah. He is lily. He was eaten alive!"
"Eugh. Oh well, like I said it's not as if your secretly gay or anything? It's not that big!"
"- Er - yeah. Right. Bye Lily!"
No idea why i wrote this... just a minute of madness i think.