Note: I really, really hope that there are still authors who understand Mary-Sue humor. If there's no one who does…it's a sad, sad day for the FMA fandom. And if this story is offensive to you...then your character is a Mary-Sue. So sorry.

The sky was vivid, the sun was brilliant, birds warbled melodies to their fluffy young, and it was the start of the worst day in the Elrics' lives.

Poor Elrics.

It all started on a trip to Central. The two nomadic brothers were visiting on what the younger ominously called "important business", though the elder suspected somewhere in his cynical mind that they were cat hunting.

Central seemed to have lots of cats.

So, anyway, good ol' Ed and Al were walking through the streets minding their own business when…a small woman walked past them.

They ignored her.

She walked past again.

They walked slightly faster.

She coughed loudly.

They began to power walk.

She accidentally brushed against Ed in what could be considered a highly seductive manner.

They broke into a run.

Sadly, however, it was not their day. One of the small cats they (aka Al) had been searching for strayed directly into their path, where it lay down and proceeded to give birth.

Ed and Al tripped over the cat at the same time and smashed into the pavement. No one on the street noticed.

Except her.

There she was, looming over them like some sinister tower, eyes flashing emerald green. Brilliant emerald green. Incredibly brilliant emerald green. Such an emerald green that it made emeralds themselves looked like little rocks. Her eyes glowed in the dark. That's how brilliantly emerald green her eyes were.

In fact, the aforementioned vivid blue sky was suddenly full of menacing dark clouds. One could only guess where they had come from.

"Who are you?" Ed squeaked, suddenly as out of character as a dinosaur with drugs. Or something like that. Imagine it yourself. His eyes widened, OoC pink blushes staining his face like mustard on your favorite shirt. "You're a state alchemist!"

Indeed she was.

Clinging to her small yet busty body was an ill-fitting military uniform, obviously too tight—and since when were the uniforms black? Plus, what was with the miniskirt? As far as Ed had heard, Roy wasn't fuhrer yet. Her hair was fiery red, despite the fact that fire isn't really red, preferring to be orangeish or pale blue or maybe even white, and around her neck, along with a mysterious plot-related charm that probably held dramatic secrets from her angst-ridden past and incredible(y clichéd) power, there was a state alchemist watch.

Cue Twilight Zone music.

"My name is Esaelia," she said, voice somehow bright and chipper and horrifyingly scary at the same time. "Also known as the Violet Alchemist."

"I've heard that name," Ed murmured. "In my dreams…"

"Brother?" Al asked, sounding rather horrified.

Esaelia the Violet Alchemist smiled like a vampire. "See yeah," she said lightly, flouncing away.

"She's a famous alchemist," Ed whispered. "She's killed tons and tons of people…she's…she's…"

Al slapped him across the face.

An appalled expression replaced his dreamy one. "Oh my Gawd…was I just acting OoC!"

Al nodded sadly.

Ed trembled, face hung in shame. "I'm so sorry…I—" Here he burst into tears, which are sometimes an aftereffect from exposure to the Marus Sue. "She—she's just—"

"It's okay, brother," Al said gently. "I know, I know."

Rain started to fall from the previously azure sky.

"What the—?"

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Roy Mustang was just minding his own business reading dirty magazines when she showed up. The door to his office burst open, revealing a curvy, fiery-haired girl of doom. In a mini-skirt.

"Erm…can I help you?"

She strode towards his desk, pulling herself on top of it and crossing her legs slowly. "I finished my paperwork," she said, completely taking the innocence out of the four-word sentence.

"Do I…know you?"

She smiled mysteriously. "I think you do."

"Uh…" Roy wracked his brain, trying to think of meetings, public events, bars, strip clubs et cetera where he might have met her. "Uh."

She started to run her fingers along his face. She laughed as mysteriously as a mystery. Which is very mysterious, for those who don't know.

Roy, judging from the girl's conspicuous appearance and air of mystery and terror, began to draw a conclusion about who she was. "You're a—a Mary-Sue."

The girl proceeded to do something very frightening. She started to rant at thin air. "Wat r u talking abowt my caricter isn't a marysue ur just jelus that u suk at riting ur such a (&$!)&)!&)!&)!&)&!"

Roy slunk out of his office in fear.

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Ed and Al were sitting on a train. The train wasn't going anywhere in particular; they just happened to like trains. Anyway, the incident with the Mary-Sue had frightened them so much that they had decided to put as much distance between the Mary-Sue and themselves as possible.

"I hate those things," Ed grumbled, feeling better. "Always so ridiculous looking…"

Al joined in. "Powerful state alchemists with hidden pasts…"

"Tracking you down by scent…"

They sighed in unison. Suddenly, the train lurched to a halt.

"What was that?"

"EVERYONE, WE'RE TRAIN ROBBERS AND WE'RE TAKING ALL YOUR MONEY!"

Oh dear.

"IF YOU RESIST I'M GOING TO HAVE TO PIN YOU TO THE WALL AND CUT YOU INTO LITTLE PIECES WITH MY SWORD SO YOU'D BETTER NOT RESIST ALTHOUGH YOU CAN IF YOU WANT BECAUSE IT WOULD BE PRETTY FUN TO BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF YOU!"

The speaker was a small brunette girl with an interesting hairstyle. She was dressed in black, and was wildly swinging—a sword!

Her accomplice was tall and looking rather uncertain, a slim girl with heavy blond hair and a similar outfit. "Er, yeah…give us your money!"

The brunette began to slash at the wall, leaving long, deep scars. "AHAHAHAHA! SEE! LOOK HOW STRONG I AM! I COULD KILL YOU ALL, SO YOU'D BETTER JUST HAND OVER YOUR MONEY AND MAYBE IT WON'T HURT! HAHAHAHAHA! JUST KIDDING MAYBE! WHOOOOOOOO!"

"Kajika-san?" the blond girl asked tentatively. "Are you—"

"WHOOOOO! FIVE SODAS IN ONE SITTING! YEAH! BETTER NOT MESS WITH ME! I'M A FREAKING GOD OF DEATH! AHAHAHAH!"

"Kajika-san? I think we'd better not—"

"GIVE ME YOUR MONEY OR ELSE! YEAH! YOU!"

Edward Elric, despite being a prodigious alchemist who was very talented and capable in battle, was too afraid to move. Because the crazy sword girl was soooooo darn frightening. Al also couldn't do anything. Just because. He just sat there quietly.

Crazy Sword Girl aka Kajika came over and began to swing her sword wildly and froth at the mouth. Ed peed his pants in utter terror.

Little did the Elrics know, their bizarre actions were actually the result of nearby Out of Character waves, which act like radiation and tend to emanate from…

"Stop!"

"Eh?" Sword Girl glanced up.

"I said stop!"

Ed's blood went cold. This was even scarier than the sword girl who had absolutely no sense of technique or swordsmanship. This was even scarier than milk. Because that voice belonged to—

She leapt out of a nearby compartment, kicking the girl to the ground and wrenching the sword from her grasp as easily as taking a sword from a baby. Or candy. However that goes. The blond girl, knowing what was good for her, fled in terror, because she was a menace. She was…

Esaelia.

DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUN!

Yeah, so I didn't know what to do for the train robbers, so I decided to use my OCs from my story Sugar and Blood. Ehehehe. (Go read it!) Anyway, I really hope there are people who like Mary-Sue humor without being offended. To be continued, maybe.