"OK," said Hermione to the assembled Weasleys. "Fairylightinthenight needs our help."
"What with?" asked George.
"British insults and swear words," Hermione replied, as if such a thing was an everyday conversation around The Burrow's old wooden kitchen table.
Fred looked confused. "She seems quite good at it to me," he said with a shrug. "She called me a playboy in 'What If' a few chapters back…"
"Yes," Hermione told him patiently, "but she wants a deeper understanding. It's really the least we can do, given how concerned she was about you when you were being such a tart in her story..."
"Tart!" shouted Ginny!
"Good point," said Hermione. "Let's start there."
Ginny stood. "Tart. Traditionally an insulting word used to describe a loose woman, or one who flouted herself. Nowadays it may still be rude, depending on the context and on who's using it, but it can also be used affectionately between close women friends."
"Like you and I," Hermione smiled.
"Exactly. And sometimes in relation to men…" Ginny grinned, reaching for a biscuit.
"Like Fred," said George. "Who was very much a tart at school."
Hermione lowered her eyes, not sure how Fred would take that and unsure about engaging in that conversation further, but Ginny continued regardless.
"The key is that, no matter whether it's a man or a woman, you have to know someone really well and know they'd be OK with you using it. So you have to think about your characters' relationship. And tell fairylight that if it was used by you or I in relation to someone like, ooooh, I don't know, maybe Lavender Brown, whose choices might be called into question by those with old-fashioned values about women's behaviour, well then it wouldn't be so affectionate and it could be seen as more of an insult." Ginny sat down, pleased that she had added to her friend's lexicon.
"Even if true?" Fred raised an eyebrow in question.
"Yes," said Hermione, with a sigh. "But that statement raises an important question about social norms and language and the crossover between using words as insults and how they also represent deeper social values which might include sexist, racist and other overtones. We really need Lauren for this," she added. "Can someone give Charlie a shout and invite them over?"
"Why?" George asked.
"Because she's a muggle cultural anthropologist," Hermione explained. "She's from moonfairy13's 'Romanian Summer' and 'Fremione and the Weasleys' stories and she'd be great at helping to explain this better. She could tell us why some words are OK in some contexts and not others."
"Merlin, I love it when you talk dirty," Fred sighed, edging closer to the small, bushy haired witch who sat beside him. One day, he hoped Hermione might finally notice him. And not merely as half of the wizarding world's best-loved entrepreneurial pranking duo, but as the red-blooded wizard who wanted her so very fucking much.
"That's a point," he added as Ginny sent her patronus running off to their second eldest brother, asking him to come over as soon as possible. "You might as well put the F word and the C word on the strong list now. Georgie and I say 'fuck' all the time to each other, but it's still strong. We wouldn't say it in front of mum and dad unless the circumstances were really extreme."
"You could put 'feck' on her list though," said George.
"Oooh, yes," Hermione wrote that down. "'Feck' was originally an Irish word but it's now used as a milder version of 'fuck' and you can get away with that in more situations."
Fred nodded. "And didn't that TVD thing Lauren got you for Christmas put a different spin on the C word?"
"The Vagina Monologues?" asked Hermione, impressed that he had remembered.
Fred puffed up a bit. There might be hope for him yet. As the fireplace flared into light and Charlie and Lauren flooed in, with their little son Elliot in Charlie's arms, Fred took the opportunity to gaze at Hermione.
"Miney! Fred!" the little wizard called to his favourite aunt and uncle.
"Hello Elliot," they chorused, just as Molly entered the room and scooped her grandson up in her arms.
"Right, young man, you're coming with me to do some baking," she said. "This isn't a conversation for little ears."
"OK, so yes," Hermione continued, after explaining their current mission to the new arrivals. "So the playwright who wrote The Vagina Monologues was keen to help women reclaim some of the words that have come to be seen as harsh insults or swear words simply because they describe women's sexual anatomy."
"The others aren't so bad though?" Ron remarked. "I mean, we call each other pussies in the quidditch changing room all the time…"
"Maybe you do, Ron," Lauren said, "but that doesn't make it OK. I mean, 'twat' is considered to be strong, and 'pussy' is often used by men and sometimes by women but considered offensive in some circles, especially by liberal, well-educated people, so you need to be very careful. Even so-called mild insults such as 'like a girl' or 'big girls' blouse' are, when you analyse them, making a deeper and insulting statement about women and their abilities that go beyond the intention to insult the person that you're talking to or about."
"Absolutely," Hermione agreed. "That's why I'm wary about words like slut and slag. Slag is really offensive, slut a bit less so and tart, which Ginny already explained, is probably the mildest of those but I wouldn't use any of them with the possible exception of tart in very limited circumstances and with very close friends who knew I didn't mean it in a literal sense and I was just taking the piss."
"Which we need to tell fairylightinthenight means to make fun of someone, often in a friendly way." Ginny offered.
"But tell her you can also say taking the mick…"
"Or mickey…"
"Or Michael…"
"Wow," said George. "I never realised there were so many variations.
"Doesn't seem fair," Ron replied. Rather sulkily, Hermione thought. As they all turned to look at him, Fred slid even closer to Hermione and whispered in her ear.
"I'd let you insult me all night long if you'd let me take you to dinner when we're done writing this…"
Hermione smiled over her shoulder but carried on the conversation. If she thought he was serious, she would take him up on it in a nanosecond. But gorgeous, successful wizards like Fred Weasley didn't tend to go for studious witches like her, she knew.
Ron was now in full moan. "You say we can't use words for bits, but it's still seen as OK to say 'tool', 'dick' and 'bellend', mostly when talking about men. And those are all names for a man's bits..."
"Indeed. Academically, it's worth letting her know that most of those are medium strength, which is partly another reflection of society's sexism, but, for what it's worth," Lauren interjected, "I think it's worth veering away from all terms that relate to genitalia."
"The problem is," Fred said with a grin, "that that cuts out about half of our traditional British swear words."
"Actually, I think there are still quite a lot left, even if we just stick to mild and medium ones that fairylightinthenight could use in her stories." Hermione put her hand on his arm, and he immediately entwined his fingers with hers and held them there. She blushed, but she didn't pull away.
"Arse," she said to Fred, with a teasing smile.
"Oh, I love the alphabet game," he replied. "My turn?" Hermione nodded, and his grin widened. "Bloody. Berk. Blooming. Bugger. Balls. Bastard. And a personal favourite, blimey O'Reilley."
"I'd say balls and bastard are a bit stronger than mild," said Ginny, pouring herself a second cup of tea. Obviously you have bollocks in the 'B' department as well, and it's one of MY personal favourites to use, but not when in polite company. I like to use it to tell Fred and George when I think they are talking rubbish, which is also another good one that we should tell fairylightinthenight about, though she probably already knows that."
"My turn, I've got some," Hermione squeaked in excitement. "Crap! And cor blimey. Obviously cock, which we can't use if we follow Lauren's 'no genital-based insults' guidance, but cock up is a good way of saying you've done something stupid or wrong, and generally OK if you know someone and they're fairly laid back."
"And can we still say Merlin's saggy ball sack?" George asked. "I love that one!"
"Let's try cock in a sentence," Charlie interrupted, not wanting to go down George's tangent, "Like, say, Fred has cocked up royally because he thinks he's playing footsie with Hermione but really it's me…"
"Damn," said Fred, moving his toes away from his brother's ankle with a disgusted look on his face. "And obviously I'd like to say dick and dickhead to Charlie for saying that out loud but we're already ruled out giving her too many knob-related words, even though I call George a knobhead quite often. That's mild to me and Georgie doesn't give a shit about what I call him because he knows I'm just mucking about but, again, it's all about context. Are you impressed that I've learned that saying from you, Lauren?"
"Numpty!" Hermione grinned at him and Lauren laughed and nodded.
"Oooooh, good one Hermione," Fred smiled down at her. "That's mild and unusual and a good way to call someone stupid, but we're only at E so if you can't think of an 'E' word then I win something off you…"
Hermione racked her brains, but couldn't think of a single appropriate word beginning with 'E'. "Erm…"
"No, that's not an insult, that's you not being able to think of one," said Fred, cheerfully. "So that means I get you for the whole E … E … evening when we're done here to take you on a date of my choosing."
"OK," Hermione agreed. Might as well go along with it and find out if there was any chance he was serious. Fred's heart skipped a beat. Had she really agreed? Just like that?
"I think we might need to skip around a bit," said George, "Because we need to introduce fairylightinthenight to important words like muppet! I love the word muppet," he said to no-one in particular.
"As a way of describing a silly person, like the puppets in the TV show. Yeah, that's definitely affectionate. Hermione calls Fred a muppet a lot, has anyone noticed?" Charlie grinned at Ginny. They could see something was going on and were keen to encourage it.
"She particularly asked about git and prat," Hermione was reading her PM from fairylightinthenight again. "Like, which is worse, or are they the same?"
"Hmmm, good question," said Fred. "I suppose prat means someone a bit stupid, or who's arsing around, while git means someone who's not very nice. So I'd rather be called a prat, unless I was doing something really unkind, in which case saying I was being a git might be fair."
"The thing that this is making me realise," Ginny was feeling wise today, "is that it's all very well to know what these mean when we sit around and think about them, but we do tend to throw them around a bit without giving them much thought."
"Well that's probably the bit that I can help to explain," said Lauren. "Because we all learn to use language from those around us and a lot of the time we don't think about what it means, and sometimes words can hold quite a lot of power, either positive or negative, so that's why people like me find it interesting to think about language and what it means."
Charlie was gazing at her. He was so happy that he had met this woman. He didn't understand everything that came out of her mouth, but he adored her regardless.
"And," Lauren continued, "there's variation in and between cultures and regions and groups. So, as Fred said a minute ago, some terms are considered highly offensive in one context but more acceptable in another. He and George can call each other things that would be really offensive if either of them said them to a parent or an older person. And it's often more OK to use what we're calling medium-strength words with someone you know well than with a stranger, but I think that's probably the same in any cultural or linguistic framework."
"Gormless," said George, poking Fred in the side and nodding towards Charlie, who was still gazing adoringly at Lauren.
"Meaning someone who's a bit dim, especially relative to the very clever woman who somehow lets them tag along in her life. Probably only keeps him for his muscles…"
"Hey!" said Charlie. "There's a big gap between being dim and not understanding everything your lovely woman says!" Lauren turned and pulled his head down to hers, giving him a deep kiss, which he eagerly returned.
"Oh, get a room!" said Ginny, turning to Hermione. "ooooh, put that on … it's what you say when people are snogging in public and you want to point out that not everyone necessarily wants to see Charlie's tongue in action…"
"What about minging? Have we put minging on the list yet?" Ron was back in the game.
"What a very muggle word," said Ginny. "Minging, meaning kind of foul or smelly or ugly. Not really nice to use about a person, but you could use it about a thing. Like, George, your quidditch socks are really minging."
"Hey, they're not nearly as bad as Ron's!" George complained.
"Talking of Ron," Fred said. "Does she know naff? Which is very mild and means something or someone tacky or a bit classless."
"Oh that's another good one, but we then need to tell her about 'naff off', which means the same as 'fuck off' or 'piss off', but is a milder way of saying it that you could say in front of mum and dad." George looked pleased with himself.
"Yeah, naff off Ron," Fred grinned. When Ron leaned over to poke him, Fred held his hands up. "Hey, this is a serious academic conversation, Ron; you can't go off on one at me for that!"
"Bog off is another … also mild," said Lauren to Hermione.
"Oh yes," Hermione frantically scribbled with her quill. "And 'jog on', which means the same thing and always makes me laugh. And while we're on that, we should tell her that you can say bugger up or balls up as well as cock up to refer to a mistake and, while they're probably more medium than mild, they're more acceptable in that context than as the original words, if that makes sense?"
Lauren nodded. She hoped that fairylightinthenight would be pleased with her list. "Any more?" she asked the Weasleys.
"We've not said tosser and wanker, have we?" That was Ron.
"Bit stronger though, mate?" asked Charlie.
Ron shrugged. "Definitely medium on the Hermione scale, and wanker's a bit stronger than tosser. Both mean, well, wanking," he tailed off.
Hermione sat up straighter. "It's called masturbation, Ron."
Fred groaned. Gods, he loved it when Hermione spoke in her prefect voice. He began to plan their date, wondering if he should chat up George to put a quick laundry charm over his sheets. Was it too much to hope that she might consider coming back to his flat afterwards and spending the night in his arms?
"Both generally used by and about men rather than women," said Lauren. "Not for polite conversation."
"If you want something mild to call a man, you could go for plonker or pillock. They're both quite mild and also mean that someone is an idiot." Charlie smiled, happy to have added to the list.
Ginny jumped in. "Oh yes, or wally" Calling someone a wally is even milder. It's used more by people of mum and dad's generation, I suppose, but it's still funny."
"Fred's a wally," said Ron.
"He's a nice kind of wally though," Hermione replied, without looking up from her notes. Fred caught George's eye and they both raised their eyebrows.
"I'll sort them," said George, knowing exactly what Fred was wanting him to do.
"Anything else then?" Hermione said. "Last chance."
"Please, let's just clarify the nuts and nutter issue once and for all," said Lauren. "Fairylight understands it, I know, but it drives me nuts, when I read fan fiction, that people use the word 'nutter' incorrectly."
"Ooooh yes, please explain that," said Ginny.
"OK, so some people treat the word 'nutter' as an adjective but it's actually a noun in British English. So we say that a person can be a nutter. As in 'I am a nutter', 'you are a nutter', 'Fred is a nutter' and 'the Weasleys are nutters'. But 'Fred and George are nutters' means the same thing as 'Fred and George are boys', so it makes no sense to say that 'Fred is nutters'."
Hermione was writing frantically. Fred vowed to hold that hand very tenderly this evening. He might even give it a massage to help it recover from all the writing. Maybe offer her his pillow for it to rest on overnight…
Lauren was in full sail now. "So you can say that 'Fred is nuts', because nuts is an adjective but because nutter is a noun you need to say that 'Fred is A nutter'."
"Got it," said Hermione. "Thank you all so much. I'll PM this off to her right away and let's hope it helps."
"Alright then," said Fred. "And I'm not a nutter, by the way. I'm a very lucky wizard, because I am now taking my favourite witch out for our first date. Are you ready, my sweet?"
"Alright then, you lovable muppet. Seeing as I cocked up, I'll let you determine the course of my evening … if you're serious?" she still wasn't entirely sure.
"Good." He offered Hermione his arm before leaning down to take her chin in his other hand and tip her face so that he could stare into her eyes. "Because I'm deadly serious and it's my hope that, the next time we all sit around this table together, you'll be my lovely girlfriend."
"Oh you're such a prat, Fred," said Ron.
"Naff off Ron, you plonker!" And with a wink, Fred apparated himself and Hermione away.
OoOoOoOoOoOoO
This is really different from most of what I've done and I may never do anything like it again lol but, having written it for a friend, it seemed silly to leave it on my computer and not share it. I'm awed at how well some people can write in a language that isn't their mother tongue and if this can help anyone else to understand the nuances of our unruly language as well, then fab. And do check out fairylightinthenight's fics, especially if you're a Hermione/Fred fan :-)