A/N: So, for those of you who don't know, Jack Sparrow is not only an awesome character in an awesome pirate movie, but also the title of an awesome chapter series. If you are a fan of Pirates of the Caribbean and have not read that series, go read it now. If you have, good for you! Continue reading for a session that is supposed to kill most of your brain cells. If you're like me, you don't have to worry about that cause they're all already dead. So... yeah. Basically, this is a parody of the first Jack Sparrow book, The Coming Storm. It will be a lot like the parodies of the movies, by Agent047, and I'll be using some of his/her jokes. Also, go read those, too. They're super awesome. Enjoy and review please!
Jack's Dia- Captain's Log, Sorry: I am Captain Jack Sparrow and I got a ship and a crew. And a super awesome hat. Never forget the hat. Basically, I walked into a bar and proceeded to be awesome. But you probably want some lengthy explanation so I'll give it my best shot. By the way, I solemnly swear that I am up to no good. Oh wait, that's from something else. Um... I solemnly swear that I'll be super truthful. Or something. Anyway, I walked into a bar on Tortuga called the Faithful Bride...
The moon is up cause it's night. Shadowy things like sailing ships, sea monsters, the Sea of Monsters, and other kinds of stuff are shown. It's raining, of course, because storms make everything cooler. The two or three nice people on the island are at home because they're all antisocial, but the rest of the town is at the Faithful Bride, because all the other bars are closed. Which doesn't make sense, because the Faithful Bride is made of shipwrecks, and it smells like crap. But oh well.
Pirates: Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me! We kindle and char and inflame and ignite, drink up me hearties yo ho! We burn up the city we're really a fright, drink up me hearties yo ho! Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me...
Arabella the Barmaid: I wish everyone would shut their traps, I have a headache and aspirin hasn't been invented yet. Plus, there's so many salty guys here that they would probably crew every ship in Port Royal. Hmm, how do I know that when I lived on Tortuga my whole life?
Rob Kidd/Tui T. Sutherland: Because I said so.
Arabella: Oh.
Arabella takes orders from some random guys at a table.
Arabella: Ale, ale, ale, and ale. You guys have awesome taste.
Random Sailor George Trump: I ordered apple juice!
Arabella: Well, too bad! We don't have apple juice, we only have ale! And rum, but that's for my drunk of a father, so you can't have anything but ale!
Random Sailor George Trump pouts. Arabella hears Bob Obama and Fred Lincoln talking about fake Spanish Treasure. She uses her superspy skills to eavesdrop on them while she hides behind a leaf. She gains awesome knowledge. They see her.
George Trump: Hey, you! I can see you!
Arabella: Whoops.
George Trump: Do you want me to build a wall?!
Arabella: No, we have enough walls, thank you.
Arabella scoots off to give people more ale.
Arabella: Well, at least there's no fights.
Psych. The door slams open with the force of a thousand slammings. Lightning flashes showing a guy who's a lot more soaked then anyone else, except the people sitting under the holes in the ceiling. Everyone stops drinking, which is a miracle in and of itself. The door shuts and everyone sees that it's just a 16-year old guy. He's mad, in several different ways, but nobody seems to care and they go back to drinking.
Arabella: Whoa, new record! I don't think anyone's stopped drinking that long, let alone the whole room!
The guy looks around and sees a sack under a chair. He goes over to it and tries to take it, using even worse superspy skills than Arabella.
Arabella: Oh, hey, someone should make some popcorn. It looks like there's gonna be a fight after all.
Random Sailor Joe Presley: Popcorn hasn't been invented yet.
Arabella: Oh yeah.
Captain Seven-Foot Beastie, the guy who's sitting on the chair, which is standing above the sack, which is currently being stolen by the Soaking Crazy Stranger, stands up and reveals that not only is he seven feet tall, but he can also calmly drink ale while defending his ratty sack.
Seven-Foot Beastie: What are you doing?
Soaking Crazy Stranger: I'm stealing my sack back.
Seven-Foot Beastie: Where are your manners? And it's actually my sack.
Soaking Crazy Stranger: Did I say mine? I meant yours, of course. That's what I said, right? And I think I left my manners in my mommy's-
Seven-Foot Beastie decides he doesn't want to hear the details of Soaking Crazy Stranger's birth and roars like a lion, which is pretty impressive since he's never seen a lion, and tries to give Soaking Crazy Stranger a violent death-by-tankard-of-ale. Soaking Crazy Stranger, being psychic, knows that he's going to do that and grabs the sack, side-stepping just in time. Seven-Foot Beastie hits Larry the Short-Tempered instead.
Rum Tankard: Dang it, you missed the sucker!
Larry the Short-Tempered: Raaaargh!
Larry the Short-Tempered attacks Soaking Crazy Stranger with a sharp sword called Sharp Sword. Soaking Crazy Stranger steps backward in an expert maneuver, and Larry the Short-Tempered misses.
Sharp Sword: Dang it, you missed the sucker!
Sharp Sword gets mad and decides to destroy a table. Everything on it ran away from the crazy sword and the people around it jumped up and decided that the most sensible course of action would be to beat the devil out of each other, just like Bob Ross does with his paintbrushes. Then everyone else wants in on the fun, too, so everyone begins a friendly and sensible round of Destroy the Barroom. Meanwhile, Seven-Foot Beastie and Soaking Crazy Stranger are continuing there less friendly game of Kill, Kill, Kill. Seven-Foot Beastie slices a sword at him. He dodges.
Crazy Soaking Stranger: Close... but no cigar.
Seven-Foot Beastie: Yaaaaah!
Seven-Foot Beastie's sword tries to kill Crazy Soaking Stranger again, but he uses his genius improvisational skills and psychic abilities to pick up a chair and hold it in front of him. The chair breaks into pieces.
Broken Chair: Hey! What was that for!
Crazy Soaking Stranger: That was for existing.
Broken Chair: Oh.
Benjamin Bartholomew Piff II runs at Crazy Soaking Stranger, who uses his awesomely trained leaning skills to lean out of the way. Benjamin Bartholomew Piff II crashes into Seven-Foot Beastie, who has had a little too much ale and starts trying to disembowel him. Crazy Soaking Stranger, who purposely timed all of this, being psychic and all, hefts the ratty sack.
Soaking Crazy Stranger: Well, whattaya know. I'm invincible!
He proceeds to do a happy dance at this new bit of fake news.
Soaking Crazy Stranger: Yeah! Go me! They don't call me Jack Sparrow for nothing!
Seven-Foot Beastie sneaks up behind him on his tippy-toes. He smashes a bottle, that he found in his nonexistent beard, on the roof over Jack's head. Jack turns around, less happy now.
Jack: Dang.
Seven-Foot Beastie: They prob'ly call you that cause it's your name.
Jack: You don't say...
Seven-Foot Beastie: Gimme.
Jack: What?
Seven-Foot Beastie: My sack. Now.
Jack: How about... no.
Seven-Foot Beastie: NOW.
Jack: What's the magic word?
Seven-Foot Beastie: Pickle, now GIMME!
Jack: Not even close!
Seven-Foot Beastie decides he's too drunk for this and tries to kill Jack instead. Arabella uses her secret-agent-super-spy skills to save Jack's arse and drag him out of the way. All the other pirates decide to play Tug of War, except their drunk, so they use Captain Seven-Foot Beastie as the rope. Arabella drags Jack out the door to kill him, and Jack drags the sa- HIS sack out the door. His reasons remain unknown.
A/N: So, that's my attempt at a funny parody! Is it funny? Does it suck? Did you like it? Did you hate it? Let me know, feedback is welcome! Please? The review button is right there! If you had anything better to do, then you wouldn't be reading this, now, would you? Yeah, that's what I thought. Now go review! G'wan! Do it! Even if it's just a flame!