Posted Feb 8th
Partially inspired by SNL Moon Colony skit from Feb 4th.
The Colbert Report. August 2013.
Stephen sits at his C-shaped desk and is playing with two toy astronauts.
"Nation, it's no secret that I love me some moon bases. That's why I was so bummed out when the Newtster lost the primaries to Romney, only to have that socialist Obama beat Romney by 3 Electoral votes. Come on Vermont!"
Stephen shakes his fist in mock anger.
"Anyway, luckily, things worked out and President Obama was willing to authorize a moon colony as long as the 1% paid for 90% of it. Tonight, I bring you part one of a two part series, Better Know an Extraterrestrial Outpost."
A screen shows the moon and the International Space Station above Earth. We then zoom in on the moon and there is what appears to be interconnected structures down on the moon's surface.
"Settled just a few months ago and roughly the size of Disneyland, the U.S. Lunar Colony is a testament to human ingenuity. A closed-looped eco-system with renewable energy in the form of solar power and the cleanest air and water any human has ever breathed and/or drank, some have deemed it a vast government expenditure that resembles a liberal fantasyland that would drive Earth Republicans bonkers.
Joining me tonight, on one of his rare visits to Earth, will be the administrator of our very own Lunar Territory, the fightin' Loons! Having just arrived from the capital Newton on his private space jet, please welcome, Governor Mitt Romney!"
Stephen runs over to his interview table with his arms held up high as the audience cheers wildly. Mitt Romney stands up from his chair, and the two gentlemen shake hands.
"Governor, so good to have you here with us," says Stephen as he gestures for Romney to take a seat.
"Glad to be here, Stephen," says Mitt as they both sit down
"Now, tell us, how did you wind up being the administrator for our Lunar Territory?"
"Well, as you know Stephen, after Election day, I was once again unemployed."
"You should've won, Governor. You should've won."
Mitt laughs.
"Well, thanks, Stephen. Anyway, Obama reached out to me. Having only won by 3 electoral votes, he decided that I could still be a bit of a thorn on his side if I spoke out publicly about him, so he decided to bring me into his administration. Although the federal government didn't have the funds to bankroll a moon base, he told me that if I could get some of my billionaire friends to fund one, he'd appoint me the governor. He kicked in the 10% because he wanted to see us beat the Chinese. It was win-win for all."
"Do you find it weird that Obama named the capital Newton?" asks Stephen.
"Well, no. I think that's the appropriate name."
"By the way, where is Newt nowadays?"
"I believe he is still planning his more grandiose colony on Mars."
"What a ridiculous idea."
Mitt laughs.
"I see you also brought your chief aide with you, and your chief of security?"
"Yes, Stephen. With me is my robot aide, the Bainbot, and my military advisor, Vice Admiral Herman Cain."
The audience cheers. Both are seated in the front row. Cain waves to the audience.
"Speaking of robots, Governor, how to you respond to critics who say that the Lunar Territory should never become a state. That you are really just about a hundred people up there and maybe a hundred thousand robots, who shouldn't count for statehood purposes."
"Robots are people, my friend."
"Is your aide, the Bainbot, a person?"
"Of course, I had him incorporated in Delaware. And since corporations are people, he's a person."
"I see. What about those who would say that the moon base is a waste of money? You should spend it down here on Earth."
"Well, I think I've always agreed with Newt that the human race's destiny is in the stars. It would be especially important if the planet Earth were to have a meltdown of some type and we needed a new place to call home. Whether it be a natural disaster or a manmade one."
"Didn't you say in 2012 that if any one of your executives had suggested a moon base, you would've fired him?"
"Well, that was 2012, Stephen."
"And what about the critics who say that the moon base is merely a vacation spot for the rich. That if one day the Earth does in fact implode, only the rich would be saved. That you don't care about poor people."
"Well, Stephen, as the person who governs the Lunar Territory, it is my duty to be concerned for the safety and well-being of the residents of the Lunar Territory. It just so happens that none of them are very poor. As such, I'm not particularly concerned about the very poor."
"But isn't the moon the safety net for if Earth runs into trouble? Let's say the Earth implodes. Several rocketships full of people, including the poor, are flying towards the Lunar Territory. Then would you care about the poor?"
"That's not my focus right now. My focus is on the current residents of Newton and the rest of the Lunar Territory."
"I see. But still, how would you handle that?" Stephen picks up a toy rocketship from the table and starts slowly flying it toward Romney.
"I think that is a question better suited for my Defense Chief, Admiral Cain," says Mitt.
The audience cheers.
Cain takes a seat next to Mitt and he shakes hands with Stephen.
"Welcome, admiral."
"Thank you, Mr. Colbert."
"By the way, congrats on the promotion. Admiral. Fancy."
Cain nods. "Indeed."
"So Admiral Cain, how would you handle a mass refugee exodus to Lunar Territory?"
"Well, depending on how many people left Earth, I'd say we might not be able to absorb all of them. Perhaps they would have to tough it out and build their own moon base."
"But how would you keep them out?"
"That's a good question, Mr. Colbert. Maybe I'd build an electrified fence of some sort."
" An electrified fence? So treat them like Space Mexicans? A bunch of illegal immigrants?"
"Well, maybe electrified would be too cruel."
"So, just a fence. Not electrified."
"Well, I'm not ruling it out. Maybe it'll be electrified. Maybe it won't."
"I see."
"We'd try our best to accommodate all the American refugees, of course."
"Of course."
"Of course, the Romney Ad-moon-istration would be tolerant of legal immigrants," added Mitt.
"Even from Mexico?" asks Stephen.
"Sure. My father was born in Mexico. But we'd give priorities to Americans, as it would be an American base,' replied Mitt.
"Well, how would you be able to tell whether the rocketship is full of Americans?" asks Stephen.
Herman Cain answers "We have telescopes watching Earth right now. Realistically, I think there are only two real possibilities. Americans, or Russians. And we would be able to see if the rocketship launched from Russia."
Mitt interjects. "Actually, I don't… I don't think the Russian space agency launches their spaceships from Russia. I think they do it from Kazahkstan."
"Well, I'm sure we'd be able to tell if it was coming from Kazaki-zaki-stan-stan," says Cain.
"What about Europe? I think the British-French-German have worked together to launch into space. Would you let the Europeans into the Lunar Colony?"
"I believe that if a German rocket came to the moon, and asked to join us, I would say "nein; nein; nein!" They can go build their own moon base, along with the Russians, and the Chinese, for that matter."
"Four different lunar colonies. Wow. And Governor, you could even set up some type of lunar Olympics if that happens," jokes Stephen.
Mitt laughs.
"Good suggestion, Stephen," says a smiling Mitt.
"And if perhaps a Russian or a Chinese person snuck into the American Lunar colony?" asks Stephen, directed to Cain.
"I believe the phrase from Poke-ee-mon says it best. Gotta catch 'em all!" jokes Cain
All three laugh.
"Well, governor, admiral, I'm afraid we only have about a minute more. What else would you like to add?"
"Stephen, I'd like to make you an honorary resident of Newton, U.S. Lunar Territory."
Mitt hands Stephen a certificate that makes him an honorary resident. There is a raised golden seal on the certificate, addressed to Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA.
"Oh wow! Thanks, Governor."
"Come visit us sometime. It's beautiful up there. Spacious skies! Majestic lunar mountains," boasts Mitt.
"Ah, but are there amber waves of grain, or fruited plains?"
"Actually, we're actually working on that. Farming the lunar soil. It'll happen."
"One last question. Mitt Romney: Great Administrator of the U.S. Lunar Territory, or Greatest Administrator of the U.S. Lunar Territory?"
Mitt laughs.
"Well, let me steal Herman's bit and quote a Pokemon song 'I want to be the very best, like no one ever was!'"
Stephen laughs.
"Well, that's all the time we have. Thank you to my guests. Governor Mitt Romney and Vice Admiral Herman Cain, everybody!"
The audience cheers.
In the event some of the jokes weren't comprehensible, these are the campaign trail tidbits that are parodied:
Mitt Romney:
- "Corporations are people, my friend." When saying that people shouldn't have their taxes raised.
- Constantly singing "America the Beautiful" on every campaign stop and victory speech.
- in charge of Salt Lake City Winter Olympics
- Romney's father was, strangely, born in Mexico (but born to U.S. citizens, so was "natural-born" citizen)
- CEO of Bain Capital
- "I'm not concerned about the very poor." When meaning to say he is focused on the middle class.
- Saying he would fire someone who suggested a moon base.
- On the campaign trail, while talking with unemployed people, Mitt says "I'm also unemployed."
Hermain Cain
- 9/9/9 tax plan, and responding with "9-9-9" when being asked about his alleged affairs.
- Singing Pokemon song during his speech to suspend campaign
- advocating a fence between America and Mexico, and flip-flopping as to whether it should be electrified.
- saying he doesn't know the president of "Uzbeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan" and that knowing the president wouldn't help create jobs.
Other allusions:
- Obama made Jon Huntsman the ambassador to China, in what some people saw as a move to keep a political opponent busy.
- Newt prefers "grandiose" ideas, as opposed to "timid, boring, and rational" ones.
- Newt's lunar colony could petition to become a state once its population matched the smallest populated state (roughly 550,000 in Wyoming)
- Colbert always calls the various congressional districts "the fightin' _" (i.e. the fifth district would be "the fightin' fifth!")
- Colbert is a scifi fan.
- In his "Better Know a District" interviews, Colbert loves to ask Dem congressmen "George W. Bush, great President of the United States? Or Greatest President of the United States?" When there's no answer, Colbert usually puts them down for great.