Disclaimer: I do NOT own CSI.
I'm having quite a few sad/angsty ideas this week and I don't know why because I've been in quite good mood.
I have been having trouble writing lately so any ideas I have I'm writing out, whether good or bad, and posting them in hopes of building myself up again.
I'm sorry. I know I'm going to be slaughtered for this. But it's been stuck in my head for months.
WARNING - Contains Sara having a miscarriage. Please don't read if you will be affected by this.
And Jemma, I know it's your Birthday so please don't read this today, I don't want to upset you. But if you read it and actually like it then GREAT.
I've read different stories about how this can happen and done a little research so if any of this is incorrect I'm sorry, I'm NOT an expert.
Don't hate me for this, please. It does sort of have a happy ending.
An Unlikely Friend
"Sara?" she asks, unable to keep the shock and confusion from her eyes as she opens her door.
"I...I didn't know where else to go." whispers Sara, her eyes trained on the floor.
"Sara, please come on in."
For a few long minutes Sara doesn't move; she doesn't even lift her eyes from the ground. She has no idea why this woman's name was the only name she could think of as she sped away from home. She could've turned up on Catherine's doorstep, or even Nick or Greg's, which would've been so much more simple because they know what's happened.
There's no way to explain why her instincts told her to go see Doctor Heather Kessler – Sex Therapist.
"Sara..."
Now she looks up at her with pleading eyes, her cheeks stained from hundreds of shed tears. The first thing Sara notices is how beautiful this woman is. With her sleek and straight light brown hair, which has a hint of red in, and her slim body, which is fit snugly into a leopard print dress, Sara suddenly feels full of self-hate.
"I...I don't know why I came here. I..."
"Please come in, Sara."
"No... this was a mistake. I shouldn't be here." she whispers, backing away from the door. "I...I don't need your help."
Heather knows that she can't allow Sara to leave; to drive away, in the state she's in.
"Please, Sara, let me help you. Is something wrong with Gil?"
"He has nothing to do with you?" she barks.
"You came to me, Sara. Obviously there's something wrong otherwise you wouldn't have come here, you wouldn't have come to me."
More tears threaten to spill over as Heather looks at her with something resembling worry.
Hesitantly, she takes a step through the door, wincing slightly when she hears it close behind her.
"Please come on through." says Heather, gesturing for Sara to follow her through another door and into her office.
Sara legs move automatically and she follows Heather into her office.
"Can I get you a drink?" she asks, gesturing across the room to the deep red and gold sofa and chairs.
Shaking a little, whether through nerves or sorrow, Sara allows her eyes to wander around her surroundings. The whole room is decorated in reds and golds with mahogany desks, coffee tables and book cases and there are several certificates and awards on show which, strangely, Sara finds comforting.
"How about some herbal tea?" asks Heather.
Sara looks at her. She wants to decline and tell Heather that she shouldn't even be here but she finds herself nodding her head.
"Make yourself comfortable, Sara, I'll be right back." she smiles reassuringly and leaves the room.
Sara moves over towards the window and takes a seat in one of the cushion filled chairs.
When Heather re-enters the room, with a tray holding a pot of herbal tea and two small tea cups, Sara smiles a little. Heather pours out some tea and hands a cup to Sara.
"Thank you." says Sara, accepting the cup and taking a small sip before resting it in her lap. "I..I really don't know why I'm here.
I...We; Gil and I, don't need a Sex Therapist. I just... you're the only person I could think of to talk to."
"May I ask why me? I mean...we don't exactly see eye to eye?" asks Heather softly.
Sara smiles again and wipes some tears from her cheeks.
"I honestly don't know. Maybe because you're a professional, or because you know Gil and you sort of know me. I really don't know. I just felt as if you were the right person to come to."
Heather smiles.
"Do you want to tell me what the problem is?"
The air in the room becomes thick with tension as they sit in silence for a while, studying eachother, but Sara's surprised at how relaxed she's starting to feel. Usually even just hearing the name Heather Kessler gets Sara's back up but today she finds herself wanting to talk to her; wanting her help, and suddenly she finds herself opening up.
"A few months ago Gil and I were talking and we decided to let nature take its course to see if I could get pregnant. With him now living back in Vegas and working at LVU we've become so much closer than we were and... having our own little family would be perfect." whispers Sara, looking down into her cup. "And last week I found out that I was nine weeks into pregnancy. I couldn't believe it. I told him straight away and I swear I've never him look so happy. He'd make a wonderful father, and I know he'd love a daughter to dote on, although he said he's not bothered if we have a girl or a boy, just as long as it's healthy, but I know how much he'd love a daughter."
She looks up at Heather with watery eyes and is grateful to find her holding out a box of tissues. She plucks one from the box and just as she's about to dab away her tears a loud shrill ringing startles her. She knows it's Gil phoning her; trying to find her because he's worried, but she can't bear to talk to him right now, that's why she's here with Heather. She pulls the phone from her pocket and turns it off before setting it down on the table in front of her. Looking at Heather shyly she says "I'm sorry. I can't talk to him right now."
"You can talk to me, Sara." comes Heather's soft voice. "I promise whatever you tell me will not leave this room."
Sara relaxes back into the chair, thinking back to what's happened, and starts talking.
"The day before last I wasn't feeling very well. I went to bed for a few hours and..."
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(two days earlier to present time)
Sara awoke with a start, her eyes shot open and darted around the bedroom. Realising that it was only a dream that woke her she looked at the clock, thankful that she had the night off so she could have a few more hours sleep. She could feel Gil lying beside her, her back towards his chest, so she shimmied closer and settled back down to sleep. She was just drifting off when she suddenly woke up again, but this time she knew it wasn't something from her dreams which startled her. A sharp pain shot through her abdomen, a pain so intense that for a moment she though she was going to pass out. For a few minutes she tried not to move, she didn't even wake up her husband, as her stomach twisted into the most agonizing cramps she'd ever felt.
"Gil..." she eventually cried, unable to stand the pain any longer.
He replied by moving even closer to her, still asleep and completely unaware of what was happening.
She could feel a dampness pooling between her legs and she knew, without a doubt, what was happening to her.
Slowly she reached her hand under the quilt and down between her legs.
"Nooo..." she whispered, pleading with her unborn child not to leave her. "God, please, no..."
With each passing second the pain became more excruciating and the only thing she could do was allow it to happen, knowing that it was too late to even attempt to stop it.
Tears were streaming down her face and soaking into her pillow but they were more tears of loss than pain.
"Gil..." she cried again a little more desperately, jabbing her elbow into his ribs.
"What?" he mumbled sleepily.
"Gil..."
Without another word from her dread filled his body. He leapt out of bed and appeared on his knees at Sara's side.
He pulled the quilt from her body, to confirm his worst nightmare, and he paled at the sight of all the blood.
Tears formed in his eyes as all he was able to do was watch his wife suffer.
Doubled over in pain, and with her arms clutching at her stomach, she cried out.
"The baby..."
"Sshh... I am so sorry, honey." he said, stroking the damp hair from her eyes.
"Make it stop, Gil. Please, make it stop." she cried.
"Sara, I'll be right back, I'm going to phone the hospital, okay?"
He returned a few minutes later with his arms full of towels and a bottle of water. He explained to Sara what the hospital told him - that he could take her in but there was nothing they could do for her, she had to ride it out. If she chose to stay at home all he could do was make her comfortable, make sure she was kept hydrated, as she was loosing a lot of blood, and try to keep cleaning her up a bit. He was told what to expect and that a miscarriage could last minutes, hours or longer.
He crouched down by Sara and pried one hand away from her stomach and held it tightly in his.
"Sara, do you want to go to the hospital or stay here and go in later?" he asked.
"I don't think... I can't move right now. The pain..."
"Okay."
He handed her a bottle of water and started to make up the bed a bit as he cleaned her up.
The night dragged on as he sat on floor by Sara's side of the bed, occasionally cleaning up or leaving to fetch some more water for her. Every time Sara thought that the pain had finally stopped another gut wrenching cramp would take hold of her, but the cramps were becoming few and far between, meaning that their dire situation was almost over.
And eventually it was.
He knew it was over when Sara moved to stand up. She only made it as far as sitting on the edge of the bed before she broke down in tears.
"I...I want our baby back." she cried.
Yesterday was a blur to Sara. After arriving home from the hospital she showered, whilst Gil flipped the mattress and made the bed, and then she curled up in bed alone and cried. She knew Gil was just giving her some space, every half an hour or so he'd check in on her; to see how she was doing or if she needed anything. But she never answered him; she couldn't bear to look at him to see the hurt across his face due to their loss. All she could do was cry until she was too exhausted to stay awake. She slept for most of the day, occasionally waking up to find Gil lying beside her and holding her hand, but without a word she'd pull away from him and turn over. She didn't want to push him away but she couldn't help feeling that the miscarriage was her fault and she couldn't bear the thought of Gil blaming her for it.
This morning Sara woke up and had a shower. As she re-entered the bedroom she found Gil lying awake on the bed.
"How are you feeling? he asked, pushing himself up.
"Fine."
She busied herself getting dressed, towel drying her hair in the process, and walked out of the bedroom; away from him.
He quickly followed her out to the kitchen and stood close behind her as she poured herself a mug of coffee.
"Sara…"
"Don't." she barked. "Just don't."
"Honey, we need to talk about what's happened." he said softly.
She slammed her mug down onto the counter, spilling coffee all over, and turned to face him.
"I don't want to talk about it; I don't need to talk about it. It's happened, it's over. Deal with it." she cried, as fresh tears started to fall from her eyes.
She turned and walked away from him. She picked up her car keys and purse and almost ran out of the front door. The last thing she heard as she left was Gil choking back some tears and whispering "What about me? I need to talk about this. That was my baby too."
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"Sara, I'm so sorry." Says Heather softly, handing Sara the box of tissues. "How's Gil taking this?"
Lifting her eyes to Heather's more tears spill over.
"I…I don't know." she cries. "I haven't spoken to him since we arrived home from the hospital."
"Why not?"
Sara shrugs her shoulders.
"I can't bear to see the hurt across his face, knowing that I caused it."
"Sara," says Heather softly. "You are not to blame for the miscarriage."
"I am." she cries. "I told him… I told him that I wanted a baby too…"
With a quiet gasp Heather reaches out and takes hold of Sara's hand. She can feel Sara shaking as she cries.
"You didn't want a baby?"
Startled Sara looks directly at Heather, her eyes cold and hard, and she pulls her hand from hers.
"Of course I wanted a baby with him." bites Sara. "I would never lie to him like that."
Sara moves to stand up but Heather re-captures her hand.
"I'm sorry, Sara. I was jumping to a conclusion, it just sounded like that was what you were about to say. I'm sorry."
Relaxing back into the chair a little Sara pulls her hand from Heather's and folds her arms around her stomach.
"I did; I still do, want a child with him. But… I'm almost forty years old, I'm too old to have a baby. I was fooling myself thinking I could carry a baby to full term. I've hurt him once, Heather, when I left him, as you well know, and I vowed I'd never hurt him again but then this happens and I've hurt him all over again and I hate myself for it."
"Sara, this is NOT your fault. Women in their fifties are having healthy babies these days Sara. Forty is not too old, it's an average age. A miscarriage can be caused by many things but it's not through fault of the expectant mother. Unless you drink heavily or take drugs, Sara, you are not at fault for this."
"If I'm not at fault then who is?" she cries, her voice rising. "I need someone to blame for this because I hate the fact that I can't give Gil a child; a family…"
"You can always try again, Sara." says Heather, looking towards the clock on the wall by the window.
"No. I can't. I can't go through this again. I'm not strong enough."
They sit in silence for a few minutes. Heather watches her closely, worried about how she's going to cope with this. She knows what she has to do. Although she'll be breaking the law she has to get Sara to talk to Gil, quickly.
"Excuse me, Sara. I just need to make some phone calls and reschedule some of my clients. I'll be right back."
"Oh… Sorry, I should go. There's no need…"
"Stay, Sara, please. I can't let you drive in this state. It's okay, really."
Whilst Heather is out of the room all Sara can hear are husbands' words as she walked out on him - "What about me? I need to talk about this. That was my baby too." She feels terrible but she's still not sure if she can talk to him about it. Deep down she knows he wouldn't blame her for what happened but she still has this niggling doubt in the back of her mind telling her that it might just happen; that he might just blame her for the miscarriage.
When Heather returns a few minutes later, with a fresh pot of herbal tea and some sugar free biscuits, she finds Sara in a worse state than she was a few minutes ago. She playing with her phone and crying. She doesn't say anything, she busies herself pouring the tea and hands some to Sara, waiting for her to start talking.
A slight smile flickers at Sara's mouth before a strangled cry pours out. It takes a few minutes for her to compose herself again.
"I sent a message to Gil the other night whilst I was at work. I ended it saying that me and Baby Grissom loves him very much." she whispers. "He replied and told me that he… he loved our baby so much already. He said that he was so happy and…"
Heather looks at her sadly.
"He loves you very much, Sara. He always has. A baby would… having a baby, a piece of you in his legacy, would mean the world to him. But if it doesn't happen his feelings for you won't change. He's loved you, and only you, since the day he met you. Nothing could ever break the bond you both share."
Interrupted by a knock on her outer office door she sighs and stands up. "Sara, you need to talk to Gil. He needs you as much as you need him. Sorry, excuse me."
Heather walks out, closing the door securely behind her and moves over to open the office door. She finds Gil standing there, his face pale with watery eyes.
"Gil." she smiles.
"Where is she? How is she? I need to see her…" he says.
He attempts to barge past her but she takes hold of his arm in a death grip.
"You can't just barge in, Gil." she says softly. "Listen… I shouldn't have even called you, I could lose my licence for this. I phoned you because you're a good friend and you and Sara need to talk. But she's scared Gil. She has it in her head that you're going to blame her for the miscarriage."
"What? Of course I don't blame Sara. It's… it's just one of those things." he says.
"I know that, Gil, but Sara doesn't. Follow me."
Heather leads the way back into the room Sara's in.
Sara looks up as the door opens and the fear in her eyes is unmistakable.
"Sara…" whispers her husband.
She stands up quickly and picks up her purse.
"I…I trusted you. I can't believe I trusted you." she barks at Heather.
"Sara," whispers Gil again. He takes a few steps towards her, desperate to take her in his arms and hold her. "Sweetheart, we need to talk. I need to talk."
Her eyes dart around the room looking for an escape.
"Sara, tell him what you told me."
"Do you think I blame you for what happened?" he asks softly.
She looks him with big brown and pleading eyes, and when she doesn't answer he continues.
"Sweetheart, this isn't your fault. It just happened."
"If it's not my fault, who can I blame? I have to blame someone because… because it hurts so much and I need to scream and yell and find out why the hell this happened to us. After everything we've been through I thought things were finally working out for us…" she shouts.
More and more tears spill from her eyes. She's crying so hard it feels like she'll never stop.
He moves another step closer and she crumbles. Wrapping his arms around her he holds her against his chest as she cries, in turn allowing him to cry. Out of the corner of his eyes he sees Heather leave the room, to give them some privacy, and then he gives his wife his full attention.
He doesn't know how long they hold eachother, he just smooths out her hair and kisses her head simultaneously until her cries turn into sniffles, with the occasional whimper.
Finally, she looks up at him.
"I'm sorry."
"Shh… it's okay."
"No. No, it's not." She lifts a hand to his bearded cheek and runs her thumb under his eyes. "You were there for me when it happened. You looked after me and didn't leave my side for longer than a minute. You got me through it and took me to hospital." she whispers. "And how do I repay you? I shut you out. I haven't even dared ask you how you're coping because… because I can't bear to see you hurting. I've been too busy thinking about myself. I'm sorry. I am so sorry."
"Sshh, it's okay, Sara. I'll be fine. I'm just worried about you right now."
Sara wraps her arms around his neck and they hold eachother for a while longer, in silence, until Sara looks back up at him.
"Gil, will you take me home please?"
"Of course." he smiles.
He stands up and pulls Sara to her feet.
"Gil.."
He looks at her, his eyes still teary.
"I… I love you." she whispers.
"Sweetheart, I love you too." he replies. "We will get through this, you know. I promise."
She nods her head sadly and puts her arm around his waist as he leads her out.
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(2 WEEKS LATER)
She hesitates, she's just about to knock on the door but she pulls her hand away. She has no idea what to say to her. At their last meeting Sara was a complete wreck and she hates the fact that Heather has seen her like that.
"Just do it, Sara." she says aloud to herself.
She reaches out and knocks on the door three times.
After a moment the door swings open to reveal Heather wearing a tight black dress and jacket, finished with a red belt, and with her hair pinned up.
"Sara, hi..." smiles Heather.
"Hi..." replies Sara shyly.
"How are you?"
With a small smile Sara nods her head. "I'm... doing okay."
"I'm pleased. Please, come on in." she says, opening the door fully to allow Sara inside.
"Oh, Sorry, I can't. I'm starting back at work tonight, I have to be there soon. I just wanted to stop by to say thank you." says Sara. "I wasn't sure what to get you to say thank you with so I went with flowers, the safe option." She laughs and hands over the huge bouquet of red and orange flowers.
"They're gorgeous, thank you." smiles Heather as she graciously accepts the bouquet. "Are you sure you can't come in?"
Sara looks at her watch. "Okay, maybe for five minutes."
Sara steps in and follows Heather through to same same room from two weeks ago. She notices the smell of cinnamon and looks around for its source, finding a candle burning on the coffee table. She smiles. She never realised the last time she was here how comforting the office feels, especially for a doctors office.
"I also want to apologise." says Sara, turning to face her. "I was mess and I'm usually strong. I love my husband very much and I hope I didn't make you think wrong of me for what I was saying. I guess I just wanted you to know that I'm not the weak and vulnerable person you saw that day." says Sara quickly.
"Of course not, Sara. Your emotions were all over the place. Anything less than what I seen from you would've had me concerned." she smiles genuinely. "You saw the state I was in when my daughter died... need I say more?" she half laughs.
"I guess you're right."
"How's Gil managing?
"He's okay. When we left here we went straight home and we talked and cried and just held eachother for hours."
"I'm pleased. Talking is always the better solution."
"And last week, once we were feeling up to it, we went away for a few days, you know, for a change of scenery. It was only to Lake Mead but it really helped. We also decided that we are still going to let nature take its course to see if I can fall pregnant again."
"Everything will work out for you, Sara."
Sara smiles, knowing that she made right decision to come back to say thank you.
"Thank you, again. I'm sorry, I have to go, I don't want to be late on my first day back."
Thanking her again Sara turns around to leave. She's almost out of the office when Heather calls her back.
"Sara?" she asks, walking over to her. "Would it be to much to ask; to weird, if maybe we went out for lunch sometime? I mean, we seem to have come to some sort of understanding and..."
"Urm... yeah, that'd be nice." smiles Sara. She digs around in her pocket and pulls out a business card, hesitating for only a second before handing it over. "My numbers on the back."
They both smile and there's a slightly awkward silence.
"I really do have to go now." laughs Sara as she looks at her watch.
"Okay, take care, Sara."
"You too."
Sara leaves the office and walks down to the street, feeling better than she has for the past two weeks.
THE END
I know there's a lot of dialogue towards the end but I to write it that way.
Hope you don't want to kill me.
Lynne xo