The Happiest Place On Earth
Chapter One: In Which the Journey Is Begun, Arya Writes Erotica, Possum Is Cooked, Bunnies Are Murdered, and Murtagh Desires Eyeliner
"Disneyland?"
"Disneyland."
Nasuada crossed her arms. "You'd better have an extremely good reason for this."
Eragon brandished the brochure excitedly. "It's all about the peace-making-experience thingy Dr. Smith recommended. We found something we can all enjoy?"
Nasuada glanced at Murtagh, who was sitting in a corner, facing the wall and blasting Simple Plan on his iPod, and raised a skeptical eyebrow.
Eragon made an extremely gay handflip. "Oh, him. He'll get to having fun," he said airily.
Nasuada raised her eyebrow even higher, looking like a skeptical one-eyed pirate.
"C'mon. Who can be murderous at Disneyland?"
"Galbatorix."
"Don't be such a negative nancy," said Eragon. "He's all for it. He wants to meet Mickey and Minnie."
"Wait, wait, wait. You discussed this with Galby before me?"
"Well yeah. And he's packing. So I wouldn't recommend making a fuss."
Nasuada glanced around the throne room, which she had commandeered after the war was over and the bad guys thoroughly beaten.
"I have things to do," she said.
"Leave Jormundur in charge for a day or two. Have fun for a change in your life."
"MURTAGH!" came a shout from several floors away. "WHERE IS MY SUNSCREEN?"
"NO IDEA!" yelled Murtagh, not even looking up. "BURN IN THE NOONDAY SUN, YOU PATHETIC, ALBINO CREEP!"
"Now, Murtagh, said Arya, looking up from her macbook, one which she was typing away, as she sat on the throne, legs kicked over the side. "Remember all those anger-release techniques the shrink taught you."
"Okay, just because you weren't forced to go to the cuckoo's nest doesn't mean you can talk smack about those of us that were," said Murtagh.
Arya sipped her starbucks and adjusted her vintage classes. "Look, I can't go. I really need to focus on my art right now. I'm working on this avant-garde, post-modernist, social statement. Hopefully I can get it to this really underground, indie publisher.
Murtagh sighed.
"It's Disneyworld, Arya," said Eragon.
"Capitalist, consumer, crap," said Arya.
"You can go to the Bippity Boppity Boutique and get your hair done just like a princess!"
"Why don't you try it?" asked Murtagh, innocently.
Eragon sighed again. "Look, if you people don't want to have fun, it's fine by me. Galby and I will go and bring you back autographs."
Nasuada facepalmed. "Two minutes ago you wanted to kill him. 'Evil in its purest form,' you said."
"That was before I realized he's the only one around who knows how to have a good time!"
"That sounds sooo wrong," said Murtagh. "Like, legit."
At that moment, Galbatorix burst through the throne room doors, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, fanny pack, crocs, cargo pants, and a baseball cap. He had a sunscreen stain on the tip of his nose.
"Ready, gang?" he asked.
"We have a few party poopers," said Eragon.
"Oh god," said Murtagh, adopting a long suffering tone. "Let's just go."
"If the capitalist machine won't stop turning I may as well hop on," said Arya.
"Oh, what the hell," said Nasuada. "I deserve vacation. I deserve ten damn vacations."
And so, they set out, picking up Roran, Katrina, Ismira, and Angela along the way.
The drive from Uru'baen to Florida was a rather long one.
Nasuada refused to allow anyone else to drive. Already sleep-deprived, she glared at the road, her knuckles white on the steering wheel. Galbatorix sat in the passenger's seat, helpfully navigating.
"Okay, so left on I-79."
"North or south?"
"Gee let's think," said Murtagh. "We want to go to the place with palm trees and beaches and old people. Which one d'you think?"
"Shut up," said Nasuada.
"Ooh, touchy."
"What's you with you?"
"Months or sarcasm stored up," said Galbatorix. "I would've beat him if he talked to me that way."
"You beat me anyway."
"You tried to save your brother."
"Everybody makes mistakes," said Murtagh.
Arya sighed, long-sufferingly and glanced out the window. "There's a starbucks. Let's stop."
"Supporting the capitalist economy?" asked Murtagh.
"Fuck you. I need coffee to function. ERAGON, GIVE THAT BACK!"
Eragon had grabbed Arya's macbook and was reading her unfinished novel. "Jeez, kinky, Arya!"
Arya's face turned red as she snatched the computer back. "It's ironically erotic, you uneducated imbecile."
"Yeah, yeah, and you're a horndog," said Murtagh, reaching back and grabbing the laptop. "What is this, a fanfiction for Fifty Shades of Grey?"
"Fifty was a completely misunderstood tribute to—"
At that moment, Nasuada hit a bunny rabbit.
"NOOOOO!" shouted Eragon, leaping from the car, dodging through traffic, and grabbing the bunny. Horns honked and tires skidded as drivers avoided him.
"Eragon, you idiot," said Roran, yanking the door open and pulling him back into the car. "WHat were you thinking?"
"We have to heal it!" shouted Eragon. "Nasuada, you're a murderer!"
"Mmhm," said Nasuada, not taking her eyes off the road, or her fingers from their white-knuckled grasp of the two and ten o'clock positions on the wheel.
"WAISE HEILL!" shouted Eragon, raising a hand over the bunny.
"Eragon," said Murtagh. "It's dead. It has tire tracks on it."
Eraogn ignored him and continued attempting to heal the rabbit.
"It smells," said Katrina, and rolled down the window to toss it out.
Then, of course, disaster happened. A bee flew in the car.
"AAIIEEEEEE!" screamed Arya, diving to the floor. Eragon fell on top of her, quivering in fear. Galbatorix swatted at it wildly, throwing himself across the dashboard in him mad quest to squash the insect.
Nasuada swerved as he hit the wheel and yelled, "GET OUTTA MY FUCKING WAY!"
A redneck trucker who she had narrowly missed sideswiping honked his horn angrily. Galby sent a flaming burst of energy back at the truck, singeing the confederate flag flapping from his mirror.
The redneck pulled a shotgun out of his glove box and began firing. Nasuada floored the accelerator, and weaved lanes madly. Police sirens whined in the distance.
Eragon and Arya cowered on the floor, avoiding the bee. Roran was madly waving his hammer in the air, narrowly missing Galby's head as he dove into the backseat, cursing at the bee.
Murtagh stared borely at the scene before him, turned up his iPod and closed his eyes.
Nasuada, in the interest of avoiding the popo, took a turn on to an abandoned looking exit. There was a McDonalds, and Adult Superstore, and a greasy diner that looked like its last customer had been in the 1950s.
Everyone scrambled out of the van, leaving their doors open. The bee perched on the steering wheel for a moment, and then flew out. Nasuada slammed the doors shut.
The sirens were getting closer. "INTO THE DINER!" yelled Galbatorix.
The company dashed into the diner, the bells on the door ringing as they did so. A guy looked up from the counter. Junior
"Whaddya y'all want?" he asked.
"Um," said Eragon. "Food."
"Well set down and I'll find some menus. I'm Bobby John Junior," he said, and disappeared into the back.
He returned with menus, a coloring page and crayons, which he placed in front of Eragon, and dusty cups filled with water, no ice.
"There's no blue," said Eragon, dispiritedly.
"Oh my god, shut up," said Murtagh. "I miss Thorn. And my mom. And happiness."
"Can't miss what you never had," said Galby, perusing the menu. "I think I'll have the barbequed badger."
Eragon turned pale. He searched the menu for food of the vegetarian variety.
"How about Bunny A La King?" asked Murtagh snidely.
"Shut up!" said Eragon, looking like he was about to cry.
Arya sighed. "Got any coffee? Or Smartwater?" she enquired of Bobby John.
"Well I dunno as to how smart it is, but we have water," he replied.
"Screw it. Burger, fires, diet coke," said Arya.
"Same," replied Nasuada.
"Badger," said Galby.
"Bunny," said Murtagh.
"The Actually Dead Possum Platter," said Roran.
"Roadkill Chicken is just a joke, right?" asked Katrina. "Because I'd like an order.
"Um…serving of French fries?" asked Eragon.
"Coming right up," replied Bobby John.
When they received their food, it was difficult to tell whose was whose, due to the fact tht everything looked alike, seeing as it was deep-friend into oblivion. Murtagh slyly passed Eragon the unfortunate bunny's drumstick, saying it was a French fry.
"Hey this is good," said Eragon, chowing down.
"Mmmhmm," said Murtagh, watching him as his half brother's face widened in horror as he discovered the bone.
"OH MY GOD MURTAGH HOW COULD YOU?" sobbed Eragon. "TWO DEAD BUNNIES IN ONE DAY!"
"That one was actually killed yesterday," said Bobby John helpfully.
After they had finished eating, Nasuada paid the bill and cautiously looked out the door. No sign of law enforcement officers presented itself, so they ran to the car.
Back on the road, they sat in silence except for Arya's typing. The highways blurred. Soon, Roran began swaying slightly. Arya joined him.
"So, uh, d'you think we could stop sometime soon?" asked Arya, offhandedly.
"I dunno," said Galbatorix in an evil voice. "We should wait til we find a place with a nice water view. Preferably next to a stream. I love the sound a stream makes, don't you?"
Eragon noisily sipped coke from his carry out cup.
"Drip…drip…drip…" said Murtagh.
"I'm going to hurt you," said Arya, through clenched teeth.
"Maybe we should have brought adult diapers," said Murtagh.
Nasuada sighed and found another exit ramp, this time in a more populated area.
Arya and Roran bolted orMcdonald's. Nasuada gassed up the car. Katrina took Ismira into to the gas station's family restroom to change her. Galbatorix stuffed his pockets full of candy bars and walked innocently out of the store. Murtagh disappeared into CVS, for some unknown reason.
As everyone returned, Galbatorix dashed out of the store, the "something has been stolen" alert blaring.
"GET IN THE MINIVAN!" yelled the king.
Yet again, Nasuada floored it.
Back out on the highway, Murtagh furtively opened the bag from the drug store. He pulled down Galby's sunshade/mirror and began applying eyeliner.
"Um," said Roran. "Bro, is something wrong with you?"
"No," said Murtagh, pulling out the mascara. He glanced down at a picture on his iPod and began to fill out his lashes.
"Do I need to be concerned for your sexuality?" asked Arya, boredly.
"No," said Murtagh again.
"Then why, pray tell, are you covering your face in shit?" asked Galbatorix.
"It's—never mind. There's this band—and they're called Green Day—and the lead singer wears eyeliner—and shut up, okay?"
"Oh they're the ones that sing I waaaalk a looonely roooad," warbled Eragon.
"They sold out," said Arya boredly. "They used to be cool."
"He really, really wants to fuck Billie Joe," said Galbatorix, in a conspiratorial voice. "I saw it in his head."
"SHUT UP!" shouted Murtagh, stabbing Galbatorix with his mascara.
"You little bastard!" Galbatoric leapt for Murtagh.
"If you don't quit, I'm pulling the car over and leaving you out on the road," said Nasuada.
Galbatorix returned to his seat and folded his hands innocently.
"So while you were at CVS, did you pick up the adult diapers you wanted?" asked Eragon.
"Fuck you," said Murtagh, and turned up the Linkin Park on his iPod.
Hai peoples. This was a plot bunt that wouldn't die, even after I stabbed it repeatedly.
I love Green Day, but I couldn't resist pulling some fun with Murtagh and eyeliner.
Actual fanfictions may receive updates. Maybe. If the gods of inspiration bless me.