A/N: This is not my first attempt at FanFic. And it's not a genuine attempt at FanFic either. It's meant to be a parody, so remember that before you begin to flame the crap out of my story. It's a oneshot, which coming from me, most likely means it's a piece o' crap. I would like to thank Mistress of Craziness for the inspiration for this story. Check out her Dramione Cliche story. Oh, how funny.
The Houses were all sitting down to breakfast of scones and jam. Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger were sitting quietly at the Gryffindor table. Ron was stuffing his face full of scone and drinking the jam as a beverage while Hermione and Harry marveled at how much their friend could eat. Hermione scowled and said,
"Ron, that really is quite disgusting, and if we're going to get married and have two kids someday, you're going to need to be less of a nauseating git and more of a fatherly, sensitive-"
"Who says we're going to get married?" Ron demanded.
Hermione got out one of her many books, a green one with a yellow spine. She flipped to page 756 and pointed at a section for Ron to read.
"Aw, man! I thought I ended up with Fleur!" He moaned.
"Fleur ends up with your brother!"
"What happens to me?" Harry asked eagerly.
"You die and come back to life."
"That's dumb. Who thought of that?"
"J.K. Rowling," Hermione disgustedly, "Honestly, it's as if she thinks she owns us or something!" (Disclaimer: She DOES.)
Harry and Ron grumbled in agreement.
"Attention, please!" Dumbledore said loudly. He was still alive, simply because I said so. "There has been an official decision made at last."
The entire hall sat on the edge of their seats, which was quite unfortunate because several people fell off the edge of their seats and had to be escorted from the hall whining about their bruised bums. After that fiasco was sorted out, Dumbledore continued,
"The decision is . . . Gryffindor is the best House. Those belonging to Gryffindor shall be treated as royalty, and the rest of you shall serve them like the scum that you are."
A great uproar rose from the angry students as crowns were passed out to the Gryffindor students. Cedric Diggory, who was of course also alive, got up onto the Hufflepuff table and began to yell at Dumbledore,
"Hufflepuff may not be anything special, but we refuse to bow down to the stupid Gryffindors! They've never done anything that great either!"
A few timid Hufflepuffs offered their views on that statement:
"Well, Potter did rescue the Sorcerer's Stone."
"And he, like, found the Chamber of Secrets and stuff."
"Nah, I'm pretty sure Chuck Norris did that."
"Plus, that one smart girl he hangs out with is really foxy."
"WHO SAID THAT?" Cedric demanded. The Hufflepuffs were silent.
"You'll bow down, and you'll like it!" Harry yelled from the Gryffindor table. He was wearing the biggest crown of all.
"I will not!"
"Yeah-huh!"
"No way!"
"Wanna bet?"
"BOYS!" Cho Chang jumped up on the Ravenclaw table and scowled at her two fighting ex-boyfriends, who immediately began to drool at her beauty. "I am gorgeous and ethnic! Plus my House is smarter than both of yours put together! If anyone deserves to be bowed down to, it's-"
"Me!" Draco Malfoy jumped up on his table and smirked, "I am the all-powerful-"
Someone hit him in the head with a cup of pumpkin juice. He growled in fury as the whole hall laughed at pointed at him, even though in real life, people just laugh - they never point.
"AVADA KEDAVRA!" Draco killed a random first year out of anger and embarrassment.
"CHAUNCY! NOOOO!" One of the random first year's friends began to sob.
"Suck it up," Draco scoffed. Chauncy's friend silently vowed revenge, but since he had such a short attention span, his revengeful plot was forgotten when someone offered him a slice of cake ("Ooh! CAKE!").
"STUDENTS! PLEASE!" McGonagall stood up and held her heart in shock.
"Now, now, Minerva. This could actually be quite entertaining," Dumbledore said before turning his attention to the students and saying, "All those in favor of having a Battle of the Houses, yell your favorite color!"
The Hall was filled with the deafening roar of students yelling their favorite colors.
"Excellent!" Dumbledore waved his wand and the House tables were replaced with a giant wrestling ring. Harry, Malfoy, Cedric and Cho were in it, while the other students watched on the sidelines. Each corner was a different color with a different animal on it. Red with a lion, blue with an eagle, green with a snake, and yellow with a badger. In the middle on a stool sat the Sorting Hat.
"Fighters! Choose five people to accompany you!" the Hat yelled.
Harry chose Hermione, Ron, Ginny, Fred's ear, and Neville. Cho chose Luna, and several other people who shall remain nameless because they are not important. Draco picked Crabbe, Goyle, Pansy, Zabini, and Millicent Bulstrode (who was fat and smelled like cat pee.) Cedric Diggory had a harder time picking, since none of the Hufflepuffs were really anything special. In the end he chose Hannah Abbot, Ernie Macmillian, and Zacharias Smith, along with a few other nameless, faceless people who don't deserve to be mentioned.
"Now, reach in the hat and get your weapons!" The Hat commanded.
Harry strutted up to the hat and pulled out the sword of Gryffindor, of course. Cho rolled her eyes at his pompous manner as she pulled out a long metal-
"Bookmark?!"
"A really sharp bookmark," the hat corrected. Cho went off looking throughly disappointed.
Cedric was next, he reached in and came out with a dull spreading knife with a badger and Helga Hufflepuff's famous last words ("Don't hurt me!!!") engraved on it.
"Aww, man!" he whined.
Malfoy was last, he put his hand in the hat and came out with a dead snake on a stick.
"A dead snake on a stick?" Malfoy glared at the Hat.
"Well, it's been a long time since I remembered to feed the snake. At least you can hit people with the stick," the Hat sounded apologetic.
Dumbledore had somehow changed into black and white striped robes and was standing in the middle of the ring like a referee,
"Ok, folks, I want a good clean fight, but there are people standing by to dispose of any dead bodies that may or may not arise."
A sweet little blonde girl raised her hand and innocently twirled her pigtail with a finger.
"Yes, Emma?" Dumbledore smiled at her. Emma looked down and asked quietly,
"If we on the sidelines have weapons can we cut the opponents ankles and stuff?" She flipped open a Hello Kitty pocketknife and smiled sweetly.
"Of course! There are no rules that make any sense in this fight!" Professor Dumbledore patted her head.
As soon as Dumbledore left the ring, a bell sounded and the House Warriors in the ring yelled threateningly, but no one moved. Cedric was still whining about his pathetic weapon. Cho had a team of primping girls hairspraying her hair so it wouldn't get messed up during the battle.
Harry and Hermione and Ron were showing Neville the amazing book that told all of their futures.
"So, I seriously chop off a snake's head?" Neville looked positively terrified at the thought.
"You sure do, mate," Harry clapped Nev-Nev on the back.
Malfoy had his snake on a stick raised above his head and was still yelling.
"FIGHT ALREADY!" Someone yelled impatiently. The warriors looked at each other and shrugged. With a great roar, they attacked.
Neville immediately grabbed Malfoy's snake-on-a-stick and bit its head off.
"I need to practice if I'm going to kill Nalinarah!" He laughed and spun the body of the snake around, drenching the onlookers in blood.
"THE SNAKE IS NAGINI ! NOT WHATEVER YOU JUST SAID!" Harry corrected him, rolling his eyes. Malfoy started crying because he didn't have a weapon and Cho was coming after him with her really sharp bookmark. Just then, Cedric leapt up and started snogging Cho. They fell out of the ring and onto the ground.
Neville had gotten snake blood in his eye, so he was sitting on the ground sobbing. Hermione and Ron were discussing what to name their future children ("Ron, it says RIGHT THERE that we're supposed to name them Rose and Hugo!" "I know Hermione, but I think that Optimus and Cookie are better!") Ginny had long since lost interest in the short-lived battle, so she was flirting with some hot guy by the sidelines. Fred's ear lay motionless, wondering why it was chosen to be a warrior in an epic battle. Eventually, the ear just hopped off the ring so it would be out of the way and was eaten by the fat and stinky Millicent Bulstrode. So Harry was alone.
And also, something random and unfortunate happened to everyone else except Malfoy. Harry's injuries were minimal. He had gotten poked with Cedric's butter knife, which hurt a little. Malfoy was in much worse shape. Emma had repeated cut his ankles with her bloody Hello Kitty pocketknife, which she was now polishing while whistling a Hannah Montana song, and Cho had nicked him with her razor-blade bookmark.
"Well, well, well, Potter," Malfoy sneered, because that what Malfoy does. He sneers. A lot.
"Here we are, Malfoy. Just you and me. Can't hide behind your mates now, can you?" Harry growled, which was very OOC, because when has Harry ever growled? I mean, sure he's been angry and angst-filled, but he has NEVER growled at anyone. UNTIL NOW!
"I always knew it would come down to this, Potter," Malfoy sneered some more, "And if anyone thinks that we're suddenly going to snog like in all the other fics where we secretly love each other, they are WRONG!" (A/N: Sorry, I don't groove on the gay thing.)
The audience around the ring grew bored with the snappy banter, and began to braid each other's hair and gossip.
"What shall I do with you, Malfoy?" Harry stroked his sword, accidentally cutting himself with the blade. Smooth, Harry. It's a SWORD. It's SHARP! He continued with tears in his eyes from his cut, "Shall I just cut your hands and feet off first? Or would you rather I just got in over with?"
"You think you're going to kill me, Potter?" Malfoy snerred (A/N: The author was getting sick of Malfoy sneering, so he now snerrs. It's like a sneer, but stupider).
"Yes Malfoy, I do. You've been a thorn in my side for too long, I say, TOO LONG!" Harry extended the sword for a dramatic effect, but didn't even touch Malfoy with it.
"Your mum's such a Mudblood that she drives an automobile!" Malfoy snerred. Harry lowered the sword, realizing what Malfoy was starting.
"Your mum is so fat, that a regular broom wouldn't carry her - she had to ride a Swiffer!"
The crowd booed at Harry's lame attempt at insulting Malfoy. The Slytherins all snerred, because they knew that Malfoy was going to win and Slytherin would be the best house!
"Ha, Potter! Ha! I laugh at your pathetic-" Malfoy stopped and gasped suddenly before toppling over slowly. There was a short butter knife's hilt sticking out of his back and a small boy looking triumphant and vengeful standing behind him.
"THAT ONE WAS FOR CHAUNCY!" The boy cried, punching the air with his fist. Harry went over to finish the boy and win Gryffindor's rightful place as best House, but the boy growled (that was not OOC, though, because Chauncy's Friend was a violent and growling person) and ripped the knife out of Malfoy's back. Harry tried to run, but he was no match for Chauncy's Friend. Soon Harry was also dead.
Professor Dumbledore smiled at Chauncy's Friend and said happily, "Well done, young man! Now, what house are you in?"
Before Chauncy's Friend could answer, he was swallowed be a mass of Slytherins and Gryffindors avenging Harry and Draco's deaths. When the crowd cleared, there was nothing left of Chauncy's Friend but an ear, which immediately took Fred's Ear's place on the Warrior Squad.
Dumbledore chuckled, "I suppose we'll never know-"
"He was in Hufflepuff!" Professor Sprout bustled over and showed Chauncy's Friend's registration sheet to Dumbledore.
"And, in a stunning turn of events, Hufflepuff is the best house!" Dumbledore declared. Unfortunately, that night something random happened to the Hufflepuffs and they were never heard from again. Oh, well. It's not like anyone's going to miss them or anything.