Haven't written death note in awhile…D: I miss Matt…song- Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy.
Your fingertips across my skin, the palm trees swaying in the wind; images…
Rewind; play; rewind again; play. The reporter's voice shaking me to my core, telling me over and over again…that he was dead, that he was dead and it was my fault.
The red of his hair…I could see him being carried away…carried away from me forever; his goggles laying cracked and forgotten on the sidewalk, and the reporter just kept talking…
"A young boy killed as the result of a high speed…"
And then the tears would come right on cue, the uncontrollable sobbing, as if the heart itself was breaking into a thousand pieces and coming out in salty tears.
You sang me Spanish lullabies, the sweetest sadness in your eyes; clever trick…
Matt….how could you leave me? My fault…all my fault. I didn't think…I never knew…that you'd do this.
The screen blurred and contorted sending me flying into memories, the reporter's wretched voice still echoing through the empty apartment.
"The boys last words were…'you won't shoot….'"
Yeah, Matt, you always did think you were indestructible, you selfish thing. You ran out…and left me…left me to these brutal tapes and murdering tears.
Well I never want to see you unhappy…I thought you'd want the same for me…
And you never knew…I never had the chance to tell you…how much I loved you. Putting up an uncaring front everyday was harder than you know…and all you ever were was kind to me; all you ever did was love me. And all I ever did was push you away…
Goodbye my almost lover, goodbye my hopeless dream, I'm trying not to think about you, can't you just let me be? So long my luckless romance, my back is turned on you…should've known you'd being me heartache, almost lovers always do…
I remember…
The time you came home early; beaming, you'd beaten a video game you'd been working on for forever…those stupid video games, I scowled at you and asked you what you were smirking about. I yelled at you, told you… you were stupid. For playing…those bloody video games…all the time.
Instead of paying attention to me…
But you did, you brought me flowers, I blushed and mumbled thanks, you told me you thought you had feelings for me…I called you a freak.
We walked along a crowded street; you took my hand and danced with me, images…
The coldness of my voice when you asked me what was wrong…go away Matt! I don't want to talk to you! I don't want to see your stupid face! The hurt in your eyes…as you went back to your video games…unconsciously lighting up…I was why you smoked so much, I was why you played all those damn video games…
The way you would come up behind me and hug me, I'm home Mello…and I would tense and scowl, don't you have some video game to rape? I said that. Me. Yeah…I guess… You'd mumble, and I'd scold myself for being so…mean.
And when you left you kissed my lips, you told me you would never ever forget these images...
That time I came home and you were covered in chocolate and flour…you giggled they were out of chocolate bars at the store…so I made you chocolate cake…And I said Chocolate cake? I hate chocolate cake and I went to our room…I slammed the door, I left you standing there.
I'd always wondered why you didn't just leave…
I cannot go to the ocean, I cannot try the streets at night, I cannot wake up in the morning without you on my mind…
That stupid morning…I woke up and you pressed your lips against mine, I protested, you shushed me, deepening the kiss, your fingers sliding through my hair, and I let myself go. You thought I was giving in…I was being selfish, I'd always wanted this just as much as you did…more if possible.
I pulled away. Matt, what the fuck was that? Trying to backtrack…trying not to be vulnerable…I thought…I cut you off, You thought wrong, I'm not gay, Matt. I don't love you.
And now you're gone and I'm haunted, and I wish you just find did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?
I walked out…I walked out on you, I told you to never talk to me again. I wasn't angry, I needed to think…
Goodbye my almost lover, goodbye my hopeless dream…
And then you left. I came home to an empty house, Matt? I called, panic seizing me, coming home to tell you I loved you…
I'm trying not to think about you; can't you just let me be?
The note…on the table, Dear Mello, the room started to spin, I couldn't read anymore…
So long my luckless romance, my back is turned on you…
The paper in my hands, you were all I ever needed Mello…I'm sorry you don't feel the same….rushing out the door into the street, hearing the sirens…No, Matt! No! No! NO!
Should've known you'd being me heartache…
No not Matt…not him…please not him. And then…you were gone, as the agonizing pain ripped through me, I touched your goggles, bloodstained, the only thing left…I held them to my heart…
Almost lovers always do…