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Edward walked into the room, his bronze hair messy as usual curled up perfectly on his pale marble forehead, that glittered softly in the evening sun. His gold eyes lit up as he saw Bella curled up on the couch. And he smiled accenting his high cheek bones.

"Bella, I'm HOOOOOOOMMMEEEE!!!" He bellowed in his deep velvety voice, quite unnecessarily.

Bella looked at him with a smile on her face. Edward thought that smile was quite sinister looking; in fact it reminded him of facing down the Volturi.

"I went to the bank today, Eddie"

"Why? We already have shit loads of cash lying around the house in random places, and if anyone tries to take our money I can just crack their spine in half and feed them to Jacob."

"No that's not it. I put all of the money in our bank under my name, and the shit loads of cash lying around are currently in neat piles in the back of my truck."

Edward said "What why all under your name?!?!And why have you taken all the shit loads of cash lying around our house and put it into your truck?!?!? And how is the truck still alive? I had it taken care of before our wedding so I could give you that useless bullet proof Mercedes"

Bella responded "YOU BROKE MY TRUCK!!!!!!!! You told me it broke by itself!!! You lying bastard!!! How could you do this to me?!!? You lied to my face like that!!! I thought we had something special!!!"

Edward looked at Bella with imploring golden eyes" I wanted you to be safe so I bought you a bullet proof Mercedes."

Bella brought the sledgehammer and walked in the garage, with a meek Edward following. Her next actions would be replayed over and over again in Edward's most randy fantasies. She brought the sledgehammer over her head and slammed it into the windshield of Edwards 'precious' gift.

As the Mercedes went up in flames, she turned towards Edward with a strange glint in her eye.

"See I don't need your damn protection, I'm a hot vampire mistress with tons of cash in my name, I can get any guy I want!!!"

"What? Is this what the bank trip was about? I –sob-I thought our l-love –sob- was beyond materialistic items-sob"

"You thought wrong buddy. YOU THINK I LIKE WAKING UP IN THE MORNING WITH FROSTBITE!?!?! OR HUGGING THE EQUIVILANT OF AN ICE SCULPTURE!?!?!OR WAKING UP TO THE SMELL OF DEAD MOOSE BREATH!?!?!?!! "

"Yes?" Edward replied trying not to further aggravate her.

"No, I don't you clueless oaf. I don't like all those things. I did it all for the cold cash. Capeesh? Face it, your far too clingy for me."

Edward broke down at that point and started dry heaving. His slender but yet somehow muscular 6'2" body was curled up into a ball.

A new voice entered the room "Mommy? Daddy?"

Authors Note:

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