Sara
Tegan and I walk into the small apartment we will be sharing for the next few weeks and drop our bags at the door. "Home sweet home!" Tegan chirps. I roll my eyes without thinking. I really don't want to be here especially for as long as we're staying but I know it's for the best. Well...at least I hope so. "Um, earth to Sara. Quit overthinking things! It's gonna be good and we're gonna patch everything right up, okay?" Tegan announced, snapping me out of my overwhelming thoughts. All I can feel right now is guilt and fear and anxiety. I don't know how Tegan can stand there beaming at me when she knows what's about to happen here in this apartment between us. We can make as many stupid rules as we want but we're going to give in to temptation eventually and end up back at square one, just like always. God, I wish I didn't agree to this.
"Yeah, alright," I respond. I pick my luggage back up and drag it behind me as I search the apartment for one of the bedrooms. I see 2 doors to my left past the living room, those are probably it. I walk into the door to my right at the end of the shallow hallway. It's a large bathroom. I step back out and go through the other door. Here we go, the master! "Hey, dibs on the master bedroom!" I call out. I hear Tegan's small footsteps coming down the hall behind me. I turn to face her and see she's got a wide grin on her face. She's up to no good.
"Guess what?" Tegan said as she snickered.
"What did you do?" I questioned, feeling a little panicked.
"Oops, looks like there's only one bedroom. Guess we'll have to share" she divulged with an air of sarcasm.
I'm fuming. She fucking knew when she picked this stupid apartment that there was only one room. She did this shit on purpose. She's setting us up to fucking fail. Does she want the guilt to swallow me for weeks on end? Does she want to test me? Test herself? I don't care. I'm not indulging in her sick game. This was supposed to be about forgiveness and healing and being at peace with things, not some fucking sick vacation. I feel hot tears well up in my eyes.
"What the fuck Tegan?" I shout, words breaking through like water busting open a dam. "What's wrong with you? Why the fuck would you ever think this is a good idea? We're trying to fix the fucking problem not make it worse! You just ruined any chance we had at that now because you decided to be selfish and get us a fucking one bedroom. And don't you dare play dumb with me and act like you didn't know, you knew damn fucking well. I can't believe you. I never should've-" I start sobbing before I can finish that last sentence. I watch my words hit her like daggers being thrown. I see the hurt and heartbreak in her eyes as tears begin to fall down her cheeks. She's just standing there, mouth agape, trying to find the words. Suddenly, I see rage flash in her eyes. She clenches her fists, ready for battle.
"What's wrong with me?" she screams. "I have done everything for you, Sara! For you! We may have just been physically close for months on that nightmare of a fucking tour but emotionally you might as well have been on the goddamn moon! And I suggest a trip to help us fucking deal with this-this- incest shit and this is the fucking thanks I get? Less than five minutes in you decide to pick a fight because god forbid I get fucking close to precious Sara. God forbid I actually try again! I should know better by now. You ALWAYS do this! ALWAYS! The idea of even being close to me makes you fucking sick! Do you know how that feels? Do you know how bad that hurts? I feel that shit in my fucking soul Sara! So fuck you! Fuck you and fuck this. I haven't thought about quitting since Glasgow but you'll be fucking lucky if I choose to stay again this time. This was your last fucking chance and you may have just blown it. So have fun sitting with the fact that you may have just pushed me away permanently. All over a stupid fucking bed."
Her words hit me like bullets. I feel the blood drain from my face as I fall to the floor and just scream and cry. She storms out of the bedroom and I hear the front door open then slam shut with a fury that is too intense to contain. I don't know what I've done but I know the damage is fucking monumental. She's right too. To me, that's the worst part. Fuck, she really meant well with this whole one bedroom thing. I mean it was a little selfish still but she just wants to feel close again... fuck. I need to fix this. I need to get up off this floor before I let the guilt of my words consume me. I slowly start to stand and make my way back out to the living room. I pick Tegan's luggage up off the floor and drag it into the master bedroom with me. I've got to show her I want this. I begin unpacking both of our bags in tandem, putting our shoes in a neat little line, hanging up our clothes and putting all our toiletries in the bathroom. It's finally starting to feel like home when my stomach drops as I hear the front door open with a creak then quietly click shut. I try to find the words I want to say, the words I need to say, what she needs to hear but I can't. All I can think is "I'm sorry" and "I love you". I quietly make my way out of the bedroom to the living room where Tegan stands looking around confusedly. I see that her eyes are bloodshot and her face is swollen from crying.
"Where are my bags?" she asks.
"Oh, um can I show you something?" I croak, barely able to get the words out because of the knot in my throat. She just looks at me blankly. I can tell she's astonished I haven't apologized yet. I look at her with pleading eyes and she takes the cue. She nods her head gently so I lead her to the room. We walk in and it's like a breath of fresh air. Tegan lets out a small gasp before tears begin to stain her cheeks. "Home sweet home" I whispered.