What is this? I don't even know.

AU. Totally AU. Forget everything you've ever known about Austin and Ally, including their faces, especially their faces.

Disclaimer: I don't own Austin and Ally, not even separately, and definitely not the unit.

"How are you not excited about this?" Trish demanded loudly as she and Ally walked through the mall. "I mean, you know who he is, right?" At this point, passerby had begun to stare. Trish paid them no attention as she continued to hound Ally about this seemingly important celebrity. "Girl, he is totally famous! And I know you know who he is!"

Ally rolled her eyes and sighed. "Yes, I do know who he is. And yes, I have heard some of his songs before."

Trish shook her head at her friend. "Then I just don't get why you wanna skip out on the concert."

"Trish, I don't know. I just don't really want to see it," she admitted with a shrug. "Besides, I have to watch the store, anyway. My dad told me he had to leave as soon as I got there. He has to go to ano—"

And then Trish stopped, grabbed Ally's arm, and inhaled deeply. "Look!"

"Ow," Ally said pointedly, looking at Trish's vice-like grip on her arm. Well, that's going to bruise… "I'm looking," she said flatly as she shifted her eyes to the poster to stare blankly. "You know, I've seen this poster before. I have it hanging up in the store."

Trish ignored this and pointed to a giant poster tacked up on the wall. The poster featured a handsome young musician with perfectly styled blonde hair. His brown eyes had just the right amount of shine to them and he was smiling boyishly into the camera, showing just the right amount of white, pearly teeth. Next to his giant, photo-shopped face — because really, no way his skin was that flawless — there was a blurb talking about the date and time of the concert Trish was so gung-ho about seeing.

The concert-goer gestured at the poster. "It's Austin Moon! The Austin Moon!" she declared dramatically. "He's super hot! Plus, dude can sing." And then she nodded solemnly, giving him her silent props. "I mean, look at him! Look at his kind eyes! Look at his hair that flops just the right way!" Trish gushed.

Ally glared at her friend, instantly recognizing those compliments. "Hey! Those are the words I used to describe Dallas!"

"Shush, this is more fitting."

The taller girl rolled her eyes and huffed irritably. Barely able to hold back an incredulous snort, Ally finally settled with, "Trish, I get it. He's dreamy and his songs are catchy… but… how about we just agree to disagree?"

The shorter girl just shook her head in disbelief. "I don't get you. Austin Moon's like, the hottest guy around, he's going to perform right here, right now, and you're totally unfazed!" Her gestures toward the poster increased with a crazed sort of exasperation. "See? HOT. How are you unfazed?"

Ally shrugged carelessly. "Well… I don't think he's unattractive."

Trish frowned and raised an eyebrow. "I'm a little worried about your taste in the opposite gender if you honestly think that the cell phone accessory cart guy is cuter than Austin Moon," she deadpanned.

Ally stared at her friend flatly, trying to stay calm. "I have to get to work," she replied, "Have fun at the concert." She gave a little half-hearted wave as turned away from the poster.

And with that, the two girls parted ways, both shaking their heads.

"Ally's so blind! Well, she did have a crush on that Dallas dude…" Trish muttered to herself, shuddering slightly. "Holy unlimited texting, he was so not cute."

Ally leaned against the counter as she focused on a surprisingly easy math problem. Due to the concert and Austin's popularity, the Sonic Boom was currently dead, which, while it may have been bad for business, suited Ally just fine because she could get a head start on this week's homework. Plus, she had some reading to do for her book club, practice her calligraphy skills and she had to update her weekly cloud log. Really, she had no time for some silly mall concert starring an admittedly not-unattractive young man singing fluffy pop pieces he was trying to pass off as 'musical art.'

"Pfft, Austin Moon," she mumbled, "Yeah, right. More like… Austin… I'm-bad-at-writing-a-good-song-oon." Ally froze and thanked her lucky stars that no one else had heard that less than stellar sampling of her wit.

The entrance to the Sonic Boom suddenly swung open with and Ally lifted her head to look at the potential customer and smiled, getting ready to rattle off her usual greeting. However, as soon as her eyes landed on her new company, the words died in her throat and her smile slipped off her face. She froze and her eyes widened in fear as she got a good, long look at him.

The stranger was dressed like your usual, run-of-the-mill flasher, in a long, tan trench coat, big sunglasses and a plain, black hat. He was holding his trench coat closed, but kept it unbelted. To top it all off, he kept looking all around the store in a shady manner.

Ally promptly closed her eyes and greeted him in a loud, booming voice, "Why, hello there! How can I help you?" She tried to sound confident but she knew she sounded terrified. She felt like she had every right to be terrified, especially since there was a big chance she'd be forced to look at someone's dangling unmentionables against her will.

"Gah!" the then-potential-customer, now-potential-flasher exclaimed. He jumped half a foot in the air and then landed with a hand clutching his chest. "Why are you yelling?" he hissed in a panic.

Ally flinched, but kept her eyes closed. "I'm sorry, sir," she apologized, her voice doing that thing whenever she got nervous, where it started out low but stayed pitchy, "I didn't mean to startle you."

A beat of silence.

Ally prayed that maybe he left, even though she knew she hadn't heard the door open again.

"Hey… Why are your eyes closed?" he asked slowly.

She tried to remain cool, calm, collected as she said, "They're, uh, resting."

The stranger did not believe her. He took a few steps closer to her. "Open them," he ordered, "You're freaking me out."

Oh god, here it was. She was going to open her eyes and then BAM. There he'd be, in all his naked, inappropriate glory.

Ally whimpered and shook her head. "No, no, I think I'm going to keep them closed just a tiny bit longer. Yep," she laughed nervously, as she popped the 'p' at the end of 'yep'.

Unbeknownst to Ally, he continued to quietly make his way toward her. "Dude, are you okay?"

The fearful brunette frowned in confusion. Wait just a second, was that concern in his voice? Ally exhaled deeply and almost let her guard down when she froze, realizing that it was most likely an act. He was probably just pretending to be concern so she'd relax enough to open her eyes! And then BAM! Nakedness! That sicko! That ingenious sicko!

"Oh ho ho," she laughed bitterly with a shake of her head, "You're good, you're good. I'll give you that."

At this point, he was just a step or two away from standing right in front of the counter. "What are you talking about?" he asked in a voice mixed with amusement and confusion.

Ally clapped her hands over her eyes in response. She also stuck her tongue out at him. Unfortunately because she wasn't paying attention to where his voice was actually coming from, she thought he was still standing by the door, so she'd turned her head in that direction, making her look ever stupider than she realized.

"Aren't you a little bit old to be playing peek-a-boo?" He snickered as he grabbed both her wrists and yanked her hands away from her face.

She gasped at the sudden jerking of her hands and her eyes flew open in horrified surprise. She barely bit back a scream as she looked into curious dark eyes staring back over the top of even darker sunglasses. Her breath hitched but she was able to relax when she saw he still had his coat on.

He looked at her for a moment, marveling at how small and soft her wrists were. "So are you going to stop freaking out?" he asked calmly in a low voice.

Ally swallowed hard, but nodded.

"Good," he sighed in relief, a kind and disarming smile appearing on his handsome face.

She blinked in surprise at how… nice this guy seemed. She tilted her head to the side as she regarded him. His soft brown eyes looked familiar but she couldn't quite place where she'd seen them before.

Her eyes searched his for a moment and he smirked to himself, obviously thinking that he had another girl charmed. He almost shook his head; it was just too easy. She spent more time looking at him, which made his smirk to widen into a more devilish one. He was just about to open his mouth to feed her a horrible line, such as 'You like what you see?' but then the words that fell from her lips stopped him.

"Who are you?"

He balked, jaw hanging open, eyes bulging out.

Her eyebrows were furrowed slightly to complete an inquisitive look. "Are you okay?"

His smirk disappeared when he was finally able to process her words and now he looked downright offended. He dropped her wrists and shot back a few inches. "Who am I?"

She jumped, startled at his reaction. "Excuse me?"

"You're asking me who am I?" He looked behind him to see if there was anyone else in the store but nope; just him and this crazy chick. He turned back to her and scoffed, "Really? Seriously?" He shook his head in disgusted disbelief.

Okay, now he was just being a jerk.

"Okay, now you're just being a jerk."

He gaped at her and pulled off his sunglasses and ridiculous hat to reveal perfectly disheveled blonde hair. "You really don't know?" He threw his accessories onto the counter and reached for the front of his trench coat to yank it open.

"Oh god!" Ally screeched, shielding her eyes with her arms.

"Would you stop doing that?" he shouted exasperatedly.

She heard the rustling of clothes, meaning he had taken off his coat and this caused her to panic further. "Stop trying to flash me!" she cried hysterically, "I'm an innocent!"

A moment of stunned silence washed over him. "WHAT?" he bellowed as her words sank in. "Jeez, would you just open your freakin' eyes?" He ran his hands over his face impatiently.

"Put away your dangling unmentionables."

The blonde stared at her flatly and rolled his eyes. "They were never out in the first place."

Ally tried to peek through her arms and saw that he was still clothed. "Oh thank goodness," she sighed in utter relief as she placed a hand over her chest to calm her racing heartbeat, finally able to relax. "Yep, you are indeed wearing clothes. Nice ones, on top of that. Huh, that is a well put-together outfit," she murmured, nodding her approval.

"I'll let my stylist know," he continued in that same flat voice.

Ally narrowed an eye at him in consideration. "You know… you do look kind of familiar." She tapped a finger to her chin. "But where have I seen you before?"

He snorted and pointed behind her. "Gee, I dunno," he said in an exaggerated questioning sort of voice, "maybe on that poster behind you."

The brunette's eyes widened and her jaw dropped. "Oh my god! You're Austin Moon?" she hissed, not even bothering to turn around.

This? This, he could deal with. Austin smirked confidently, holding out his arms in a 'what can I say?' manner. "The one and only."

"I thought you were going to flash me!"

That, however, continued to throw him. His smirk disappeared and he winced. "Yeah, I'm not even going to touch that one."

"Well, you were dressed like one!" Ally cried defensively, pointing at his trench coat.

He eyed her wearily with a raised eyebrow. "You're more than just a tiny bit crazy, aren't you?" He sounded amused instead of exasperated though, which Ally took to be a good sign.

Ally rolled her eyes and huffed. "Whatever. Look, why are you even here? Aren't you supposed to be giving some sort of concert? Where you probably sold over-priced tickets to unemployed pre-teens who had to then beg for undeserved money from their hard-working parents?" she asked accusingly.

His eyebrows shot up. "… It's a free concert. But I am taking donations for charity."

A moment of awkward silence filled the room as Austin scratched the back of his neck uncomfortably and Ally blinked owlishly at him.

"Okay, now I'm being a jerk," she muttered, dropping her head in embarrassment and shame into her hands.

"Nah," he murmured with a quick shake of his head before slowly transitioning into a slow, firm nod with a quiet, "Maybe just a little bit."

She looked up and, to Austin's surprise, laughed lightly. "Well, sorry," she apologized as she cleared her throat, "for accusing you of being a money-hungry sell out."

Austin shrugged sheepishly. "I'm from around here, ya know? I thought it'd be cool to give a free concert at my favorite mall, is all."

She smiled at him. "Wow, that's incredibly sweet of you," she said sincerely. Ally glanced down at her watch and her eyebrows shot up. "But doesn't that start like, right now?" she asked.

Austin's eyes widened. "Crap! What time is it?"

"Almost three thirty."

"I gotta go!" he blurted, turning to run out the door. He promptly turned back to her. "Wait, you're not coming to watch me?"

Austin looked at her, slightly disappointed. Ally opened her mouth, ready to tell him the truth, before she realized that she didn't have the heart to break it to him that she just wasn't his biggest fan.

"I can't," she said, sincerely apologetic, "I have to watch the store."

The blonde pop star looked at her, eyes narrowing. "Hey, hold on a second…" he started slowly, piecing two and two together.

Ally blinked in confusion, not having caught on. "What? What is it?"

Austin gaped at her. "Oh my god, you don't like me!" he exclaimed, pointing an accusing finger at her.

She froze, not expecting him to have gotten it right. "Wha-at?" she laughed nervously, "That's cra-zeh talk!" She waved her hand like she was trying to brush off his words. "Cra-zeh!" And then her eyes darted around the room in a demented fashion.

Poor Austin was not used to this. He was universally loved! By everyone! He'd never run into someone who hadn't been one of his fans, ever. Even the critics were eventually charmed by him! Because he was charming and lovable, dammit!

"It all makes sense now," he breathed, looking as if his entire world was falling apart, "While everyone was out there, you were in here. You didn't know who I was right away, and now you're making excuses so you can skip my concert!" And then he gasped over-dramatically and clapped a hand over his wounded heart. "You're an Austin-hater!" he hissed in utter offense.

Ally opened her mouth, but no words came out, only a strangled noise of guilt.

"Nobody hates me!"

"I don't hate you," Ally cried desperately, starting to feel even worse. "I'm just not really a fan," she admitted with a sad smile, "Sorry."

He looked at her, still wounded, before plastering a bright smile on his face. "Hey, I got an idea!"

Her smile slipped slightly. "Um, what kind of idea?" She didn't know why, but she had a feeling she wasn't going to like it.

"After I give this concert, I'm going to make you an Austin Moon fan!" he declared, a spark of fire igniting in his eyes. "You'll have to come around eventually. Trust me; I'm awesome, I'm famous, and I'm so talented!"

Ally stood in stunned surprise.

Finally, "Your conceit is alarming."

"Thanks!" he grinned.

She blinked slowly at him before giving him an odd look. She wasn't quite sure how to respond to his enthusiasm when she had just put him down. "Uh… that wasn't a compliment?"

He looked at her, unfazed, with his grin still in place. "Just you wait—uh—" he trailed off awkwardly.

"Ally Dawson," she supplied helpfully in a monotone voice.

Austin snapped his fingers and beamed brighter, if that was even possible. "Right! Just you wait, Ally Dawson, I'm going to change your mind about me!" Austin winked at her and Ally felt her breath hitch. He put on his sunglasses and hat, but left behind his trench coat. Ally silently approved of this. He pointed at her, took note of the way her already big eyes widened even further, and issued his challenge with an overly confident smirk, "By the end of it, you're going to be my biggest fan!"

Ally couldn't do much more than gape wordlessly at the Austin Moon as he vowed to make her his fan.

And then he moon-walked out of her store.