Blackadder goes on Question Time
Author's note: Due to having election fever, I just had to write this Blackadder-fic based on what would happen if Dish and Dishonesty was set in modern times. Prince George is going to be struck off the civil list by the new PM and Blackadder goes into politics to try and save the prince but the only question is who to choose as MP. What we need is an utter unknown, yet someone over whom we have complete power. A man with no mind, no ideas of his own. One might almost say a man with no brain. Are you thinking what we're thinking? (No, vote Labour-ed)
Question time music finishes
Poor unsuspecting David Dimbleby: Hullo and welcome to Question Time, this week coming to you from Dunny-on-the-Wold, where the by-election takes place this week. With us today are: Mr. Ivor Biggun from the Standing at the back Dressed Stupidly and acting Stupid party (soon to be renamed the Liberal Democrats), Mr Pitt the even Younger (think William Hague with a wig) the Whig candidate, Mr S Baldrick of the Adder Party, top columnist Glenda Slagg, Fleet Street's big election and Mr E Blackadder, Acting Returning Officer, Chairman of the Adder Party and the er…voter. Right, let's have our first question for the panel.
Random person from the audience: How can the panel assure us that this by-election will be an honest vote even with stories of mass vote rigging appearing in the media?
David Dimbleby: Perhaps as voter and Acting Returning Officer, Mr Blackadder would like to answer that.
Blackadder: I shall personally make sure that this is the first honest vote in a rotten borough. As the Acting Returning Officer, I will personally ensure that I, the voter am not going to be corruptly bribed by any candidate running in this election into voting for them.
Audience clap
David Dimbleby: Would any of the audience like to comment on that?
Random audience member: I don't believe that this rotten borough will be an honest by-election and I think you are robbing us constituents of an MP that best reflects our needs.
More clapping
Blackadder: I would like to reassure you we have your best interests at heart, therefore take these 5 guineas and don't say anything again for the rest of the programme.
David Dimbleby: I think it's time to move on, may I have another question from the audience please?
Audience member: Mister Baldrick, what are your policies for the Dunny-on-the-Wold constituency on economic reform?
Baldrick: Er-
Blackadder: I wouldn't answer that if I were you Baldrick.
Baldrick: Free turnips for all!
Much clapping and cheering
David Dimbleby: Excellent. Sensible policies for a happier Britain.
Glenda Slagg: Hats off to the Adder Party? It isn't everyday you meet an MP with his mind on only one thing. (I'm not talking about that, stoopid! You have a dirty mind, Mister!) I'm talking about the free turnips for all policy! I'll turn-ip at your place anyday, big boy! (Geddit?)
The Adder Party Candidate! Doesn't he make you sick? And I'm not just talking about the distinctive aroma of dung for dinner either! Take a tip from Auntie Glenda, leave the root vegetables out of politics, dear, or people might not bother turn-ip-ing up to vote! (Geddit?)
Pitt: I would like to point out to the audience that that was not actually a policy on economic reform but an empty promise from the leader of the opposition that clearly cannot be carried out on any budget so therefore sounded suspiciously like a bribe that I strongly believe any half intelligent electorate would see through. If elected, I would offer the constituents of Dunny-on-the-Wold…(continued in witless vein forever)
David Dimbleby: I shall have to stop you there because in a minute we'll be going out live. Mr. Biggun, would you like to comment on your party's policies? (They have policies? Some mistake surely- ed)
Ivor Biggun: No really no. After all, as I always say, if you can't laugh what can you do? (Take up politics perhaps-ed)
David Dimbleby: Would a random audience member like to ask another totally random question at random?
Suspicious looking audience member: Er- Mr Blackdder told me to ask, er, how would, the , er, Adder Party make things better for the, er, constituents of Dunny-on-the-Wold?
Blackadder: An excellent question! Even if I do say so myself. The Adder Party will improve living conditions for constituents by 100. No more sodden marshland for Dunny-on-the-Wold inhabitants- unless you want it of course. Our keyword here at the Adder Party is Choice- being the kind, gentle, considerate man that he is, HRH Prince George our patron here at the Adder Party, has had a personal word with our MP and wishes to make it absolutely clear that he will make generous donations, socks and all, to the Dunny-on-the-Wold Save Our Duchshund fund to help reinstate Colin to the town hall where he belongs!
Mass cheers and much clapping from audience.
Pitt: That sounds like another bribe to me. Our policy is to rid the country of that utter slob the Prince of Wales and other immigrants from countries such as Germany. Remember: it is not racist to put a quota on immigration. Britain does not tolerate upper class scroungers who have made a living out of who their parents are. (Surely some mistake- ed)
Glenda Slagg: Pitt the Younger! Don'tchajustluvhim? Okay so he's a raving loony who's vowed to destroy every Geography teacher in the country but what's wrong with that! You can come into my bed anytime, there's no quota on my immigration! (Geddit?)
Pitt the Younger! Aren'tchasickofhim? Destroying Geography teachers and wars with France? What kind of example is that to set Pitt the even Younger and all the rest of them! And they call the Royal family dysfunctional, there's about twelve of them? Do us a favour Mrs Pitt and stop breeding! I'm surprised the Pitt family can keep off the sex long enough to make policies! Maybe they should put a quota on their kids! (Geddit?)
David Dimbleby: I'm afraid I'll have to stop you there as I think we should move on to our next question.
Audience member: What are the parties' stances on Europe?
Pitt: War with France!
Audience clap
David Dimbleby: Isn't that a little anti-European?
Blackadder: We at the Adder Party are looking to defeat Euro-skeptism and join our European cousins. Who knows, perhaps one day we will even have a single currency.
Audience clap.
David Dimbleby: Well I'm afraid that's all we have time for on Question Time. We thank our panel, Chat show Charlie…sorry Ivor Biggun, William Pitt the even younger, Mr S Baldrick, Glenda Slagg and everything else in the whole election, Mr Blackadder.
Much clapping
Baldrick: I think that went quite well don't you Mr B? I don't think they suspect a thing.
Blackadder: Yes Baldrick. Now return to your constituency…and prepare my dinner.
Afternote thingy: I apologise profusely to any fellow readers of Private Eye. I shall try never to attempt a Glenda Slagg impersonation again. Somehow I don't think we are related and I think I should be told. (Geddit?)