Summary: Another typical day at County, it seems, but then there's Carter, Kem, their unborn baby and a miserable Abby. Carby angst.
Chapter One:
My heart had been once been filled with love, hope and fantasies. Adorable babies in dark blue strollers, light pink nurseries and toys scattered about everywhere. Those were my fantasies, my daydreams, about Carter and I. Us as soon to be parents, us as doting parents for tiny little infants, us sending our children to school for the very first time; I dreamed, basically, of being the mother of Carter's offspring. I wanted to be with him, have his kids, and grow old with him, but that "job" now belongs to someone else.
She's beautiful, honestly speaking. All mocha colored skin, full lips and smiling, happy eyes, no real heavy emotional baggage either. Carter is probably ecstatic about that one. She doesn't look like a former alcoholic; neither does she look like she's come from a family where insanity and unpredictability are the norm. And every time he merely glances at her, his entire face lights up with pride and joy, and you can just tell how in love he is. I remember how he used to look at me that way, eyes so full of love and endearment, and it seems like centuries ago. Centuries ago he had been mine, promises had been made, promises of forever and stability, promises of unspoken words and unmeasured love. Those promises have now gone down the drain.
My heart painfully thuds in my chest as I watch her enter the coveted Doctor's Lounge and take a seat on the weary old couch. She's smiling softly, her long fingers encircling her big round belly. Every beat suddenly becomes filled with misery, as if my heart realizes exactly who has entered the room. The sweet, cream filled coffee I am drinking turns bitter in my mouth and I hastily swallow the hot liquid down, feeling it burn down my throat.
"Abigail?" she asks with hesitance, pronouncing my name slowly.
"It's Abby," I hear myself correct her, my voice soft and steady. For once my voice doesn't betray my true feelings and she doesn't hear the sadness and loneliness in my tone.
"My apologies, Abby." she says shrugging her shoulders as if in apology. "Your name…it's very pretty."
My name, my ordinary name, is pretty. Well according to her, it is. Hmm… how kind of her to mention that to her boyfriend's ex girlfriend. No one has ever mentioned anything about my name before and I look up at her with slight suspicion. It's obvious she's trying to be friendly, but why me, of all people?
"Thank you…" I mumble and look back down at my enormous medical textbook. Reading the chapter on skin diseases is more interesting than conversing with Carter's pregnant girlfriend.
"Do you know where John is? I've looked everywhere I know and can't seem to find him. I just want him here; the baby's kicking." Kem states and I look up quickly, eyes fixated on her stomach. My own stomach aches then, but not with hunger pains. The pain is rooted deeper, into the crevices of my very being.
"I'll get him for you, if you'd like." I offer, getting up and heading towards the door before she even answers. All I want to do is leave the room as soon as I can. My hands tremble slightly and I feel hot tears at the back of my throat, and bite down on my tongue to try and keep a calm composure.
"Oh, that would be real sweet. Please do," she turns, giving me a warm smile, hand still resting protectively over her unborn child. I manage to give her a small smile in return and dash out of the lounge, and straight into Susan. The coffee in her hands immediately pours down my chest and clean nurse's uniform, staining the pale lavender color a shade darker.
"Oh, Abby, what's the rush?" Susan exclaims, looking at me as if I'd sprouted horns sometime after she'd last seen me. "That was my little night snack, you know." she says and I grimace. Her "snack" is now covering my uniform in a long burning hot streak.
"God, it's all my fault." I manage to gasp out, pulling the thin fabric away from my skin before the burn becomes unbearable.
"Its fine, I think I have some yogurt in the fridge anyway, I'll eat that. Are you okay, by the way? Coffee was pretty hot," Susan's concerned face peers intensely at me for a few seconds and I nod, holding the fabric away from my poor, abused skin. I probably have a nice red mark there by now. "Where are you running to? I'm pretty sure Weaver isn't out on the warpath right this moment."
"Uh, need to find Carter. His, uh, girlfriend asked for him." I mumble, averting my eyes from those of my close friend. I don't have to say another word; she instantly understands.
"Ah, running from the lounge and the sugary sweet pregnant lady. I get it; real slick, Abby." Susan is laughing now, but the merry sound of my friend's laugh doesn't seem to affect me in a humorous mood.
I look at her pointedly, my face apparently registering my unhappiness because her laugh dies off. "Can you find Carter for me, please? I need to clean myself up." I say and with that, turn around and walk off in the direction of the bathrooms.
There's no point in changing into scrubs since I'll be leaving in fifteen minutes. Hopefully I'll be leaving; if there aren't any incoming traumas or an overflow of patients. With a glance around, I assess there aren't too many patients in need of my immediate care, and smile with satisfaction. Home beckons to me like a mirage would to a person stranded in the Sahara desert. Between my E.R. rotation as a med student, and my regular shift there as a nurse, I'd been at the hospital for a total twenty four hours. I was in desperate need of a nap, some proper nutrition and the simple comforts of home, like being able to wander around in pajamas.
Sam is in the bathroom, washing her hands when I enter. "You finally are leaving Abby?"
"Let's hope so. You never know what kind of fun will come slamming through those doors." I say and she laughs, and this time I join in. I grab several paper towels, wet them, and begin furiously scrubbing at my dirty nurse's uniform. She watches me in the mirror, frowning.
"That's not blood, is it?"
"Ha. It's just Susan's coffee that I managed to smoothly spill onto myself."
"Nice going, doctor." Sam laughs again, her curls dancing. I grin at her through the mirror's reflection. "Okay, well, I'll see you Monday then, right?"
"If I get my ass out of bed." I say, looking at my impossibly dirty shirt. Damn, it's just coffee, why won't the stain come out?
"Just throw that into the wash at home, and add a little bit more bleach. Stain should come right out." Sam offers, and then her curly head disappears behind the swinging doors.
I am left alone, my reflection the only company. I stare at myself and the face in the mirror looks almost…almost content. It's hard to see the sadness that I feel with every step, every breath, and every beat of my heart. This ever present pain is well hidden, and although I am happy to wear this "happy mask", it also bothers me. My life seems to be in some sort of stand still. I'm standing still, seemingly in a torrent of pain, angst and misery. I'm like a sixteen year old teenager wishing for high school to come to an end.
"Ugh… time to go home, Abby." I tell my pathetic image in the mirror, and head out of the bathroom. My shirt is still stained and a little bit sticky, but it doesn't matter. I'm going home, to my comfortable, safe, bed.
The E.R. is strangely peaceful when I exit the bathroom and I look around, right eyebrow raised. Jerry is as usual, playing something on the computer, Susan is flipping through patients' charts by the rack and then… they're there. Carter and Kem are standing just a little away from the admin desk, heads bent low in conversation, both of their hands, as per custom, placed on their little precious cargo. Susan looks up and catches my eye, rolling her eyes playfully at the couple. I smile at her attempt to lessen the tension, but keep my distance as I walk into the lounge.
Several minutes later, I have my coat, ski cap, gloves and scarf securely on and am ready to brave the infamous Chicago wind. Winter is definitely not my favorite season in this city, I think, stepping back out into the still quiet main area.
"Looks good tonight, Susan." I say, waving my black gloved hand at her.
"Hey, don't jinx it. You'll leave and probably three traumas will roll in."
"Well, then, have fun." I smirk at her and she sticks out her tongue out at me in mockery. "Good night, everyone!"
A chorus of good nights reaches my ears as I leave through the ambulance doors. They slide close behind me and I am suddenly freezing my butt off in the cold. It's going to be a long ride home, I think, and walk towards the El as the first few snowflakes of the season are falling onto the pavement.
Twenty odd minutes later, I am finally in my apartment. The El is unbelievably crowded because of everyone rushing to get home before the lightly falling snow could turn into a snowstorm. I manage to somehow get off the train alive, with all the pushing, shoving and cussing going on around me. I drop my things right by the door, kick off my boots, and hastily remove my outer clothing before heading for the kitchen.
"Hmm…what to eat, what to eat." I mumble to myself, my eyes scanning the shelves in my cupboards. Cereal, dry oatmeal, two fudge marble cake mixes, salty pretzels and a tiny can of chicken noodle soup. Yep, my home is well stocked. "Time to go grocery shopping, Abby." I absently remind myself and stare at the poor choices before me.
Finally deciding on the pretzels and soup, I quickly prepare my "dinner" and then plop down onto the couch. My nursing uniform is still on, with the stain from Susan's coffee, but I pay it no attention as I munch on a pretzel and sip my soup slowly from its large ceramic cup. I'm so tired it's a wonder I can still move around. My eyes droop slightly and I lean my head back until it's resting on the backing of the couch. As soon as my eyes are fully shut though, an image of a smiling Carter suddenly flashes before me and my eyes immediately open.
God, he won't even let me rest. Twenty four seven, he's on my mind, whether I'm at work, home, or out somewhere with Susan or Sam, or both of them. My social outings are few and far between, but occasionally they cajole me out to a movie or dinner. And a sweet moment between lovers in a scene during a movie is when he always pops into my head. It's never any of my numerous old ex boyfriends, it's always Dr. John Carter. His kisses, his caresses, his smile, his words, his little puppy dog face when upset with me…his presence still lingers inside me. There he is, firmly lodged into my heart, but out of reach to me physically. The familiar ache in my stomach is back and I groan.
Time for self pity later; right now it is time to go to sleep. I dump the empty cup into the sink; the pretzels go back into the cupboard. Then I grab my pajamas from the bedside drawers and stumble into the bathroom. My bones practically creak with exhaustion and so I simply brush my teeth and wash my face, putting off taking a shower till the morning. At last, my head touches the pillow and I smile sleepily. The pillow smells like the familiar fruity scent of my shampoo.
It's so good to be home.