A/N : Hey Everyone ! So, I just love Once Upon A Time and especially the Evil Queen, that's actually why I wrote this down. If there are mistakes with my English, just let me know =)
Anyway, in this one-shot I tried to show how much Regina may be conflicted and even if it's not perfect – far from it actually – I still hope you will like it and don't forget to review !
It's dark outside and you can't sleep. Actually, you haven't slept in so many days you can't even hide it. Everything just felt apart, again, and no one seems to care, but why would they anyway? You want to cry, you want to scream but all you can do is looking at the ceiling of your room and wonder; who am I? It's a stupid question yet, it keeps floating in your head as if the answer was about to change everything in your life.
So, you're thinking about it. It's been an hour and still no answer. Then, it hits you; you're no one. Because you have a title doesn't mean you're important and you just realized that. Being the Evil Queen, being mean doesn't make you important. But, it's more complicated than that, it's even harder to explain it. You're like your mother; you're a monster and a witch. You're evil and it doesn't even surprise you to be this way, to be her. It's like you needed to reproduce everything she did to you to understand why she did it in the first place. Unfortunately, it didn't work at all. And you know why? Because you're broken inside. You're still this young woman wanting more than a kingdom, wanting more than powers, dreaming about love and about being loved, but you let your mother drowned you into something you couldn't handle.
After a while, when it's all coming back to you, when you're just so exhausted you can't sleep, you decide to take a walk. It's raining outside and it's good. It's like a shower, washing you from all your regrets. You find yourself enjoying the sound of drops falling to the ground asking yourself what kind of sound your body would make. It's an evil thought, that's for sure but that's what everyone wants, right? So why wouldn't you?
You shake your head because you need to get rid of this stupid idea and keep walking until you realize where your feet brought you. You raise your head and look at the windows where you can see lights. When you reach the door, you finally understand how bad this idea is but you knock anyway because you need to try. Because maybe, just maybe, he'll be ready to listen to you and God, it will be such a relief. When he opens the door, he can't hide his surprise and you know he has every right to ask you to leave but he doesn't. He lets you come on in and invites you to sit.
"I thought about the conscience thing and… and I want to try if you don't mind." God, it's the first time you ask for permission to speak or to be heard and you just want to punch yourself for being that insecure. But he just nods and sits in front of you, ready to listen. "I don't really know why I came here but I want… No, I need to talk to someone, to understand why I made so many bad choices."
He frowns a little and you do the same because there is no reason to frown, right? But he opens his mouth and you hope for an explanation but he's a therapist and you should have known this session wouldn't be simple. "Why did you make so many bad choices?"
There are a lot of reasons to explain the decisions you've made but telling them out loud? It's like living your life a second time and it's pretty exhausting already. There is a part of you who wants to go home and sleep but there is another part, this tiny voice begging you to stay and confess your sins so you listen and you do as you're told.
"Because I'm angry all the time. Because I have all this rage in me and it just hurts more every time I try to push it away. I keep everything locked inside and it's eating me alive, you know, I guess I want to find peace to be a better person but it just seems like I can't change…"
An uncomfortable silence grows in the room and you understand how desperate your case is. It's not about rather or not you can heal, it's about how much you're willing to and you're not even sure about it. Of course, you want everything to be okay, like everyone else but are you really ready to try? After all, your redemption will also be the death of the Evil Queen, of you. So, while he looks at you wondering what he can say to help you, you think about it.
Are you ready to redeem yourself? You want to persuade yourself you are. After all, you are not really evil, you are just a woman who made bad choices so it should be easy but, in reality, even if you're ready to try, nobody cares and you know why? Because anybody wants to be happy and no one, absolutely no one, wants to hear about a girl with a broken heart.
"What happened to you?" He asks and you realize it's not a question directed to you. He wants to understand, maybe more than you do because he thinks good is in everyone, because he's Jiminy Cricket and he believes in conscience. But honestly, you're not even able to answer him. He wants to find you excuses for your actions but there aren't any excuses and it's sad to see how bad he wants you to have faith in yourself when the only thing you want is to disappear and start over. You want to forget everything and you especially want all the pain to go away.
"I lived a life I didn't want and I realized dreams which weren't mine…" You answer anyway because that's why you're here; to talk. "I loved a man, Daniel, and I lost him." You pause because you need to calm down, because you don't want to cry. "There are a lot of things you can say about a person when you first met them, you know, and the first time I saw him, I just knew. He was my soul mate and I was ready to run away with him because that was how it was supposed to be, just him and me. But my Mother, she was everywhere. She needed me to realize her own dreams and she just smothered me. She said Daniel wasn't able to offer me the life I deserved so she found a way to get rid of him. She ripped his heart out without flinching, without any second thoughts or regrets."
You live in the past. You've always had, actually. And getting used to it is maybe the biggest mistake you've ever made because, believe it or not, it won't make you happy. Wearing the ring Daniel offered you, keeping him in your family mausoleum and being still in love with him won't ever heal you. Sometimes, you even wonder if you will be strong enough to move on one day but we're talking about Daniel here, about your true love and it's just impossible for you to let go of him. You believe he still exists through you, through your memory and, yeah, it's a heavy burden but you won't ever let it go. Nobody can understand you because they all live with their true love, they are not alone and it makes you want to rip their hearts out even more.
Ironically, you eventually stopped believing in fairy tales. You stopped the day he died and you know better than anyone that people can't change. Maybe that is not always true yet, no one in Storybrooke will give you the chance to prove them wrong. If they need to find a savior in Emma Swan, they also need to find an evil queen in you. It's not fair, yes but it is what it is. You can complain all you want, you can fight but why would you anyway? At least, for who? Henry wants you gone because you're evil and you don't care about the others. You don't want to fight anymore but weirdly, you ready to try without even knowing why. It's the reason you came to see Archie; to find an answer.
He listens to you and for a moment, you realize that's all he'll do. Listen. He's like a kid hearing a bedtime story, he wants to know more and you even wonder if it's a way to find new gossip to tell. Yet, you can't bring yourself to leave. You need this because you've never mentioned this to anyone; it's clearly the first time you're doing this and in a strange way, it feels good. So you keep going.
"I married the King like my Mother had planned and everything was okay until I realize why Daniel died. He died because Snow White couldn't keep her mouth shut and that's when I felt something had changed in me, that's when it all begun."
It's sad to be that angry, isn't it? Because, when you think about it, the only person taking your happy ending away is you. You are the monster of your nightmares, the demon you're scared of and the daughter your mother raised you to be. You became the person you tried to avoid and you're the only one responsible for it. You did this to yourself, there's no one else to blame. You can hate Snow White for what she did, you can be mad at your mother for what she took from you and you can be disappointed in your father for what he didn't do but you can't blame them for not running away with Daniel when he asked, for trusting Rumplestiltskin and learning magic, for pushing away your feelings and for letting darkness enter your life. You did this, you broke your heart and soul, you destroyed the young woman you were and if they put you in jail one day for all of your crimes, it will be well deserved.
Minutes turn into hours and you just realize how really tired you are. You're exhausting from this fight with this damn voice inside your head. This voice is like a ghost, it's everywhere. It's the witness of your breakdowns and the reminder of your pain.
"I tried to be different, you know. I tried to get rid of this anger, until I got tired and let it rule my entire world. I knew Snow White was just a kid and that she was desperate to have me in her life but she destroyed everything."
You keep talking for at least thirty minutes while he just stays quiet. It drives you insane so you get up, grab your bag and walk to the door. He takes a lot of time to realize what you're doing because he's thinking about what you've been through, asking himself if he could have endured what you endured for all those years.
"She just wanted you to be happy, to have what she didn't have. Destroying your life wasn't her goal, Regina. Your love was all she wanted. I know you need more time to forgive her, and I'm not even asking you to do that, but I really think you should forget about it. Or at least, let it go."
"I wish I could…"
"You can, Regina. We come to the same point as before; are you ready and willing to move on?"
You go home at 2am and try to get some sleep. But you still can't. There are so many feelings messing with your head right now, it's even worse than before, so you try to focus on something because if you start thinking about what you said to Archie, about how much you confessed, you might cry harder. Out of nowhere, you hear a voice, then another one and after ten seconds, you hear almost ten voices inside your head.
"Power is seductive. But so is love. You can have that again. – I realize that I don't feel anything, and I know now that it's not me. It's you. I'm leaving you for me. – Why is everyone running away from you? – All I care about is what happens to my kid, and you are going to leave him alone. – Your life must be filled with such incredible loneliness that your only joy comes from destroying everyone else's happiness. It's so sad, Mayor Mills, because despite what you think, it won't make you happy. It's only going to leave a giant hole in your heart. – You're the Evil Queen. – If you have to use magic to keep your son, you don't really have him. – You ruined lives! – The way you treated me wasn't an accident. You made it so no one believed me. You made me feel like I was crazy. – Because this is your happy ending."
You're about to become crazy because it's not the first time it happens, because all the voices are the reminders of your fall. They are the demons of your life, they want to push you over the edge and that's actually why they appear at night, in your house when you're alone and vulnerable, when they're sure you won't fight them. You decide to take a bath, to stay underwater as long as possible to shut all these voices.
Everyone in Storybrooke will never know how good and graceful or how loving and caring you were, they will never understand either why you became who you are today. They all think you've never felt anything but the truth is you've never stopped.
After a while, after crying and getting mad at yourself, after throwing things against the walls, you go out for a walk, again. You walk for two hours straight until you stop at the park in front of the school and sit on a bench. You quickly lose track of time as you think about Henry, about how much you miss him and the moments you used to share together before Emma walked into your lives. You took the habit of staying away from his bedroom – no longer his – since he left you to live with his biological mother. A choice you let him make, convinced he deserved a better mother than you.
"Regina, are you okay?" You hear someone ask.
But you're only pulled out from your thoughts when she sits right next to you. You turn your head and face her, making her realize you weren't listening to her.
"Are you okay?" She repeats looking at her watch. "You're here since 7 o'clock, even sooner maybe, and it's past noon. You should go home and rest before you catch a cold."
"I couldn't sleep." You say looking away from her.
She smiles slightly and puts a hand on your forearm which makes you want to jump at her throat and kill her right here, right now but you can't and you won't. Instead, you just flinch at her touch. You both stay silent for a moment and after a few minutes, you look into her eyes because you remember how much you loved her before Daniel's death and how you considered her like your own daughter, because she has something in her gaze you can't really explain.
You drown yourself into those blue eyes and you can find compassion, sadness and even something you can't define but that's not what you're looking for anyway. You remember that, between a breath and two heartbeats, you will find a moment of peace. It's insane, especially because it always works and it's even more insane because she's Snow White but, quite frankly, you don't care. And you know that if it wasn't for those moments of peace, she would be dead already and that's enough for you.
You close your eyes, enjoying every second of it, and once you reopen them, you look away from her again.
"You should go home," she insists, letting her hand rest on your arm.
"I don't want to go home," you sigh. "Can you just leave me alone, please?"
"If you want to see Henry," she adds after a few minutes, "I can bring him to your house after school. Emma won't mind."
Apparently, Henry made a good choice and you want to scream as much this revelation hits you right in your face. She's so much better than you that it makes you sick.
"No, it's fine. He has better things to do, I'm sure and besides, he'll come when he'll be ready," you say more to yourself than you want to admit.
You're silent again and you can feel in your guts that she won't leave you here, all by yourself. You guess she wants to talk, even if you don't want to, but you have nowhere else to go and she's aware of that. You're stuck here, with her until she'll get tired of you, like everyone else in your life.
"I never had the opportunity to tell you how truly sorry I am about Daniel."
"Please, don't mention his name," you beg.
"Just know that, if you need to talk one day, I'm here."
"Why do you even care?" You finally ask, tired of this.
"Because I admired you when I was a kid and because you were a mother to me until…" She clears her throat, remembering what you asked her. "I want the old Regina to come back and I'm sure everybody will like her so, like I said, if you need help, I'm here."
"Look, I get it. I know why you did it; you were trying to give me something I didn't have and that you've lost but it wasn't what I wanted. Sure, I dreamed for a long time to have a close relationship with my mother but I would have rather choose Daniel over her. So, I get it but I'm not ready to forgive you. It's perhaps not fair but I just can't… Don't worry though, I won't try to harm you in any way anymore and I'll leave you live your life."
"That's not really what I want, Regina. I know how crazy it sounds but I want you to be a part of my life, if you can change. And if it's not for me, at least do it for Henry."
"God, Snow!" You hiss. "Why don't you just leave me alone?!"
"Because I care!"
"Why?!" You ask again and you know that she won't retreat, that she'll give you an answer, even if you don't like it.
"I care because it's you! Don't you get that!?" She sighs heavily and keeps talking. "Without you, I wouldn't have found James or at least, let him be in my life. Without you, I wouldn't have let myself love him and I know it seems silly but…" Again, she stops talking. She wants to explain it in a better way and you can see she thinks really hard about what to say to not look like she might be crazy. "Don't you remember the night I saw you with Daniel in the stables? You said: 'Love doesn't work that way. Love, true love, is magic. Not just any magic, the most powerful magic of all. It creates happiness.' You taught me what love was, Regina."
At that, you want to laugh and maybe you will, one day but not today. Not now because it's just pathetic to realize how true it is.
Suddenly, you realize that what you saw in her eyes was actually love and you don't know exactly why but it makes you want to cry. It shouldn't be her trying to convince you about how much she loves you, it should be Henry. It should be Daniel. Except that they won't here. Except that Daniel is dead, and you can feel your heart break even more at this thought. It hurts, like always. It hurts because it seems like you're the only one in Storybrooke who can't have what she wants.
But you will find out later that it's not about having what you want, it's about having what you need. Sometimes, you can't even tell the difference. The funny part is that you have what you need from the start – a lot of people loved you through your entire life; your father, Sidney, Snow White, Henry but you always found a way to push them away – and you're still looking for more – the only person you want back is Daniel, no matter how much it will cost you. And when you realize you won't get what you want, you lose what you already had; what you truly needed.
But today, you have to fight back your will to push Snow White away. Because, right now, it's not about forgiveness at all, it's about keeping you safe. It's about a war with yourself and about a victory you shall gain. It's about you and when you look inside her eyes another time, you just know you can do it. You know you can heal and that's hope was maybe all you really needed.