The Greatest Fucking Pokemon Fanfiction Ever

I don't own pokemon. If I did, Misty would still be in the anime, and Poliwrath would have better base stats (as well as many other changes to the game =P)

This fanfiction was inspired by the sick contents of John Heller's mind.

Chapter 1

The Average Man Thinks about Sex Every Seven Seconds

The blue ocean waters that spanned the Orange Isles glimmered in the rise of the sun at its peak. Foam gently cascaded across the surface, waves crashing into the sandy shores. Wingulls and Pelippers dotted the sky in their lazy glides through the warm summer air. The sea was calm this day, but it was on days like these that you knew something would fuck up.

"…What?" said the narrator. "What do you mean I have to do this? I thought I was over with this shit! What? Who the fuck is John Heller? What does he… oh my God! He wants what?! That sick bastard! Alright, fine… I just better get paid for this…" He cleared his throat and started again. "The Orange Isles (no shit). It is here we begin our tale… a very sick… and disturbing tale…"

"Lapras!" cooed the horned blue thing.

"…Lapras? What the hell?! The Pokémon Lapras does not say 'LAPRAS!' like some retarded lil' bitch!"

As the narrator was going off script again in a drunken stir, Lapras looked upwards to where the voice was coming from.

"Yea, that's right! I'm talking to you, you lil' salt-licker! You better say fucking 'Cooo!' or 'Ooo!' or 'DO A BARREL ROLL!' before I come down there and dry-hump your ass!"

Having its shell just waxed and polished, Lapras did not desire some forty year old man's semen to mar its perfect sheen. "Ooo," it said weakly.

"Now then, this Lapras was the Lapras that once belonged to Ash Ketchum from Pallet Town. He left this Pokémon in the Orange Isles so that it could live and be happy with its herd… either that or he got sick of looking at that dildo-shaped horn."

Lapras glared at the sky for that comment. Regardless, it was paradise for the Transport Pokémon. Every day it would swim and play and have orgies with the other Laprases… Lapri… ah fuck it… it had hot dirty sex with the bunch of 'em. In fact, it was just passing by two humping each other when it noticed a dark mass of cloud approaching from the west.

"Ooo?" Lapras said, which roughly translates to "Cock?"

As the black clouds got closer, it saw what came with it: a massive pirate ship. The ship was big, black, long, slick, and looked as though it was made by Mexicans. Atop the mizzenmast flapped violently in the wind a flag with the image of a Seaking on it. The entire crew of the mariner gazed upon the herd of Laprasiseses with bloodlust.

"SEAKING FUCK YAH!" exclaimed the captain from the bow of his ship. Apparently, he was the captain of the Fucking Seakings, a group of pirates known for clubbing Laprissies and using their blubber to make oil for lanterns.

The ominous winds forged themselves forward onto the herd. Scared shitless, they all swam away from the ship, excluding the two mentioned beforehand who had been humping; they were both crushed by the ship. The entire horde swam and swam and swam……… and swam. However, the ship was faster. Once the pirates had gotten in range, the crew unleashed a hail of harpoons upon the Larps. One by one, the deadly sharp spears pierced the backs of their shells, killing them in an instant. Blood turned the sea red, so much so that 4Kids could do nothing but tell the kids it was only fruit punch. Within a matter of minutes, the calm blue sea became a bloodbath of Lapras corpses. The scalawags laughed maniacally at the sight of the graveyard of their own doing.

"Pirates are better than ninjas!" was their cry.

However, there was one Lapras who had escaped their evil clutches by an inch. Hiding behind a rock which jutted out from the ocean was Ash's Lapras, its fins bleeding from the near misses of the harpoon. Looking at the pirates scoop up its dead brethren filled its soul with rage and its eyes with tears. It was very emotional, but I couldn't help but laugh. Honestly, it would've killed you. Anyway, it would have normally opened a can of Shaq Fu on their asses, but it knew that it would die if it tried. Lapras had only one option: to find its trainer and ask him for help.

". . . FUCK! My Tourette's is acting up again!"

"Here," slurred the narrator, "we have Ash Fucking Ketchum from Pallet Fucking Town! We tried makin' Pokémon shows without this lil' bitch in 'em, and we didn't get too far. I don't see what's so special about this whiny lil' asshole. All he does is bitch, bitch, bitch about being a Pokémon Master and makes friends with Pokémon instead of throwing his balls to their faces. Didn't he ever play this game?! I mean what the fuck is…"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Ash yelled to the sky. "Shit, I keep hearing those voices again. GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY HEAD!!!"

As this very vulgar scene was taking place, Ash was walking briskly along the route from Viridian City to Pallet Town, making his way homeward from another gay adventure of his. I'll give you three guesses as to what he did… go on, guess!

1.) He got eight badges through a series of plotholes and emo-bitchiness.

2.) He met some eighty rookie trainers and taught them to believe in the heart of the cards… I mean heart of the balls… and said he would see them again, which was a damn outright lie!

3.) He caught like two and a half new Pokémon and gave hugs and kisses to about twenty rare and priceless Pokémon, which was the reason he lost in whatever fucking tournament battle he participated in. What a fucking retard…

Yeah, so, Ash was walking as he beat the shit out of his head, believing himself to be possessed by the devil. While he was traversing some continent which probably doesn't even exist, considering the Earth ain't too fucking big, Pikachu decided to steal his money and get drunk off its ass. In doing so, it got AIDS, syphilis, and gonorrhea. Now, all along the path, it humped everything that moved, and everything that didn't move. I guess that meant it humped everything because it was in heat.

"Godammit, Pikachu!" Ash scolded the mouse. "I told you no one wants your Electric Penis Juice © all over those rocks and trees and shit!" Nonetheless, Pikachu humped a new item of interest every five seconds.

"Pika-fuck-you," cursed the little yellow rat.

"PISS!" Ash retorted.

It wasn't before long that they overcame the hill before them and beheld Pallet Town, now with three Cat Houses and Two Bars.

Ash scratched his ballsack. "Hey faggot!" he called to Pikachu, currently humping a tree. "We're here! We're finally backed in Pallet Town's dick! Now it's time to fuck it!" He took one step, slipped on a used condom, and fell down the hill, shouting "SHIT!" and "FUCK!" and "ASS!" all the way down. Pikachu watched him fall as it put the condom on and started humping air.

Ash walked up to the door of his house, inhaled the polluted air around him, and kicked down the door. "SHIT JUST GOT REAL, BITCH!"

"Mr. Mime!" said… well, take a fucking guess…

Ash was greeted by Mr. Mime, who was busy cleaning up a puddle of white fluid located next to a pile of pictures of Prof. Oak taking a shower. (Ten points will be awarded to the first person who can guess what the fluid is; five points for who it belongs to.)

"Is that you dear?" Delia (A.K.A. Ash's Mom or Mrs. Ketchum or the Biggest Slut of Pallet Town) called from the kitchen. "Did you break down the door again?"

"What the hell do you care?!" Ash kicked Mr. Mime away from the couch so he could sit down. Unfortunately, he sat right down into another puddle Mr. Mime did not have a chance to clean. "With all the money you make you could buy ten doors, you whore! I just wish you wouldn't give blowjobs on my couch!"

Delia walked in wearing questionable attire not suitable for children under the age of seventeen. "Well, excooooooooooooz me, princess!" she said in a voice that could chip the paint off a wall. "Just remember that you were a mistake, so be grateful for what you have."

"I'm grateful for my penis and beer! I'm hungry!"

"Well then get yourself some food!"

"You're the one with boobs, make me some edible shit!" Ash flicked the TV to watch Nancy Grace.

"Fine," Delia sighed, "but I'm making Liver and Onions so I don't want anymore of your bitchin', ya hear?"

"Yea, yea…" Ash continued to watch the "news" as Delia went back into the kitchen. Meanwhile, Pikachu was humping Mr. Mime's leg until it put up Lightscreen; then it humped the invisible wall. Mr. Mime shoved the vacuum's hose under Ash's butt and sucked up the fluid he was sitting on. "Nancy Grace," he spoke with seriousness, as though the bitch was right in front of him, "you can stick it up my ass any day." Mr. Mime vomited.

"Hello?" Misty's head peeped out from where the door once stood.

"HEY!" Ash blurted. "Well if it isn't ironing board!"

Misty glared at him. When she walked in, Ash noticed that her breasts were the size of grapefruits. "Iron this, motherfucker!"

Ash's eyes popped out of his head. "BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL! You have purple mountain majesties over your amber waves of grain!"

"Oh, you noticed?" she flirted.

"No…" Ash said. "Yes," Ash said. "How did that happen?" Ash said.

"Puberty."

"Bullshit! You stuck watermelons in there, didn't you?"

Misty blushed. "Yea, my sisters and I got them for my birthday."

Ash stared at her, then her tits, then at her again. "You're fucked up, you know that?"

"Oh," Delia talked with her mouth full (of what is the real question). She swallowed, "I thought I heard Misty. My, what big tits you have, my dear!"

"The better to see you with, Mrs. Ketchum."

"HEY!" Ash wailed. "Story-time isn't until 9:00!"

Delia cupped her fist, like all the anime characters do when they realize something. "You're right Ash. Misty, would you like to join us for dinner?"

"I'd love to!" Misty's boobs jiggled. "Let's all do the Whore-Dance!"

They all did the Whore-Dance. For instructions on how to do the Whore-Dance, please call 1-800-WHORE for a free video.

"Fuck, I'm hungry," Ash panted. "HOPSKIBIBBLE!"

"Let's all sit down and eat." Delia set their places at the table, and then returned to the stove.

Pikachu now had a chance to hump Misty's leg. "CHUU!"

"No, I swallow… oh!" Misty picked up Pikachu. In the process, she poked her eye with its schlong. "What have you been up to, Pikachu?"

Ash interjected. "That bastard stole my money and got a case of the itchies in the happy place!"

"Then I better wash my face after dinner. And what have you been doing, Ash?"

"MEN'S ASSES!"

"Dinner's ready!" Delia slid the Liver and Onions off the frying pan and onto the plates. "Dig in!"

"Hehe, that's what she said!" Ash took one lick of Delia's food and slammed his fist. "DAMMIT! I've tasted shit better than this shit!" He threw the plate across the room, hitting Mr. Mime in the pussy (and I just totally mind-fucked you now, didn't I?).

"Oh dear," Delia groaned. "That's the fifth plate Ash broke. You know what that means?"

"Let's have a three-way!" Ash ejaculated.

"I was going to say shipping you off to a sweatshop in Kenya, but that works too!" Delia took off all her clothes in a record two point four seconds.

"You know," Misty smirked, "I could go for some sausage after eating this liver." She took off her clothes in two point three seconds. Delia slapped her in the face before kissing her passionately.

"Don't start without me!" Ash tripped over his pants trying to undress. As he did this, Pikachu was already joining in. "HEY!" He grabbed the rat by the tail. "You can't be part of this! It's a three-way! Two plus one is three plus one is four, dammit!" He wound up his arm. "SUBTRACTION!" With a forceful throw, Ash pitched Pikachu through the glass window and up Mr. Mime's ass. When he was finished, he joined the three-way. "LIBERACE!"

End of first chapter.

Me: Okay, so Ch. 1 is finished and all that happened was bleeding from the eyes. Maybe I should have put that warning up before the first chapter…