Holding on and letting go Chapter 1, a vampire academy fanfic

"Roza, do you have any idea how much i love you?" His smooth accented voice whispered in my ear.

"mmmm not as much as i love you." I whispered back, smiling into his neck where i nuzzled my head.

I clutched him tighter to me, it wasnt very often we got to be like this, in fact we never got to be together like this. Since our night in the cabin and the attack on the academy, which thankfully neither of us was hurt in, we have been keeping our distance so that no one would catch on to our relationship before graduation. The most we would do is steal gazes from across the room, and the occasional heated kiss behind the gym. Alberta and Kirova had tightened dorm security so there was a guardian on every floor every night, so sneaking into eachothers rooms was out of the question. Alot of novices had taken up extra training practices, so we were never alone in the gym anymore. So this moment, as we lay wrapped in eachothers arms on my bed was like complete magic.

"Do you regret it?" he asked after another moment of silence. Breaking me out of my reverie.
"Regret What?" I questioned, lifting my head so that i could see his face,

"What we did in the cabin?" The look on his face told me he wanted the truth, there was a little hesitance like he thought my answer could hurt him.

"No. Not one bit. I wish it had happened under better circumstances, but it was us. Me and you. It felt right and it still does feel right, i dont regret it one little bit." I said, getting lost in the swirling brown depths of his eyes.
"Me either." His smile was just as dazzling as ever, but just as quickly as it appeared it disappeared, his face turned somber, "but Roza, what about our charges? I dont think we can truly protect them if we continue with out relationship... like ive said before If something were to happen and you and my charge were in mortal danger... who would i choose? i couldnt live with myself if i let you die... but i couldnt live with myself if i let my charge die either... ive already been through that once, with Ivan, i couldnt handle it again." He whispered, his eyes were closed as he struggled with the onslaught of memories and emotions that must have come down on him.

"It wont happen. I would never put myself in that kind of danger, and i can handle myself, i would never put you in that situation. Your charge would come first... just like i would have to put Lissa first." I replied, running my finger along his cheek as i spoke.

"See... Rose, thats what i mean. You would 'HAVE" to put Lissa first... when you first came back to the academy you were so set in your guardian role that you would have protected Lissa with your life without a second thought... but now... you would choose, you would hesitate if you had to choose me or her... i couldnt live with that either, i couldnt live with myself if you chose me over her." He started to sit up.

"Dimitri..." I spoke, i couldnt help the fear that crept its way into my voice. I could see what he was doing, he was shutting himself off from me, he was trying to break off our relationship because of our jobs.

"Roza, I love you with all my heart, you are like the other half of my soul... but i cant risk it, WE cant risk it. I wish we could be together... i wish we could love freely, but its just not that easy. We... we cant do this anymore." as He spoke, i looked at him, Lifting myself into a sitting position as he stood off the bed and walked slowly towards the door.

"What are you doing Dimitri?" I asked in a whisper, i was dreading his answer. I already knew what he was planning without him having to say it, i could see the decision in his eyes, but i needed to hear it, I needed to hear him say it.

"Im... im going away. Im going to leave so that you can focus on Lissa." He replied turning the handle to my door and pulling it open the tiniest bit. He glanced back at me,and i watched as a single tear slipped from his eyes, "I will always Love you my Roza. Please, please always remember that." He whispered before turning and walking out the door for the last time.

I spent the rest of the night sitting in the same position, staring at the same spot at the door where i had watched him leave. Leave me, leave his love, his heart, his soul...and more. I believed him when he said he loved me, a little part of me knew that what he was doing was possibly for the best in the long run, but my heart wanted to scream and cry and run after him. But instead i just sat there, letting the tears fall, leaving salty wet streaks down my cheeks. I was there for hours, the sun had gone down long ago and i could hear people down on the field, i could hear people laughing and talking, it felt foreign to me. How could the world be moving on when i felt like time had frozen for me, like i would never be able to move on from this.

I finally gathered my thoughts, wiped my eyes clean and grabbed my guitar. Not many people knew that i could play, or that i could sing, it was something that i kept mostly to myself, it was a way that i used to channel my emotions and get them out before they built up. I took it up to the top of the dorm building and onto the roof, going to the corner of the ledge i sat down, dangling my legs over the side.

I could see groups of people sitting around, or walking to the cafeteria. I wiped the few tears that cascaded down my cheeks again as i began to play a tune. It was a sad song, but it felt perfect in this moment, i started singing softly but as it came to the chorus, all the pain and anguish i felt came up and my voice grew louder with the emotions.

Looking out from underneath, fractured moonlight on the sea
Reflections still look the same to me, as before i went under,
And its peacefull in the deep, the Cathedral where you cannot breathe,
No need to pray, no need to speak, now i am under all

And it's breaking over me
A thousand miles down to the sea bed
Found the place to rest my head
Never let me go,Never let me go,
Never let me go, Never let me go

And the arms of the ocean are carrying me
And all this devotion was rushing out of me
In the crushes of heaven for a sinner like me
But the arms of the ocean delivered me

I watched below me as i sung, i saw him as soon as he stepped out of the staff building. His soft brown hair tyed at the back of his neck, his arms rippling underneath the black duster that billowed out behind him as he walked. I noticed the duffle bag he had clutched in one hand and as he got closer i knew he could hear me. He looked all around him, trying to find the source of the music before looking up and locking eyes with me. I kept singing,

Though the pressure's hard to take
It's the only way I can escape
It seems a heavy choice to make
And now I am under all

And it's breaking over me
A thousand miles down to the sea bed
Found the place to rest my head
Never let me go,Never let me go
Never let me go,Never let me go

And the arms of the ocean are carrying me
And all this devotion was rushing out of me
In the crushes of heaven for a sinner like me
But the arms of the ocean delivered me

And it's over
And I'm going under
But I'm not giving up
I'm just giving in
I'm slipping underneath
So cold and so sweet

And the arms of the ocean so sweet and so cold
And all this devotion I never knew at all
In the crushes of heaven for a sinner released
And the arms of the ocean delivered me

I watched as his perfect guardian mask slipped off his face, leaving his emotions clear on his face: Pain, anguish, frustration, fear and love. His eyes shone and i knew he was trying his hardest not to let the tears fall. He had stopped walking below the building and just stood there with his eyes locked on mine. When the song was done he slowly raised one hand and put it to his lips, then he moved it and placed it over his heart.

I knew he believed he was doing this for the best, that he believed it was the only way that we would be able to protect them properly. I started strumming another tune as he continued to walk away towards the academy airstrip, towards the little plane that was waiting on the runway. I sang my next song louder, hoping that he could still hear me,

Is anybody out there? Is anybody listening?
Does anybody really know? If it's the end of our beginning,
A cry, A rush, From one breath
Is all we're waiting for
Sometimes the one we're taking
Changes every one before

It's everything you wanted, it's everything you don't
It's one door swinging open and one door swinging closed
Some prayers find an answer
Some prayers never know
We're holding on and letting go

Sometimes we're holding angels
And we never even know
Don't know if we'll make it, But we know,
We just can't let it show

He had stopped at the top of the plane stairs to turn back and look at me, i knew he was feeling in as much pain as i was at leaving, but he had more will than me, i knew that once he was gone, he probably wouldnt be back... i stood up with my guitar in hand and placed the other on my stomach. I knew something that he didnt, the one thing that would have probably made him stay, but the minute he decided it was best to leave, i decided that he was right, how could i hold him back. I couldnt put him into that position of having to choose his charge or me... or our child. I had only known for a week that we had conceieved a child on that perfect night 6 weeks ago, but the moment i found out for sure i knew that once he knew he would never leave, i was waiting for the perfect moment to tell him...

As he studied me one last time, all emotions evident on his face, i whispered "i love you so much and your child will too... even if he doesnt know his father...goodbye Dimitri." as the tears fell from my eyes.
I watched as confusion rippled over his features for a moment before something inside the plane caught his attention tearing his gaze away from me. I turned and left the rooftop, not being able to bare watching him leave me and his unborn child behind.