"Coulson, truth or dare?"
Phillip Coulson knew that whatever he answered would be his downfall. Tony was giving him that smirk, that signature Tony Stark smirk that breathed pure mischief. Coulson also had it on fairly good authority that he used the same smirk to entice people to his bedroom, but he didn't really want to think about that right now.
How on earth had he got here? He's sitting with smoke kind of smoking blue cocktail that reminds him way too much of the Tesseract to be healthy. It's making the scar on his chest feel like a freshly open wound, but he knows that's just the paranoia talking. Yeah, ok, he's got his fair share of baggage, it's not like any "super-spy" manages to work without gaining any. It's nothing he can't deal with, which he proves by downing the drink and smirking straight back in Tony's face.
Tony licks his lips, but Phil knows that's just to unnerve him. He knows what's coming next. He's been waiting for this for two weeks now, dammit. He knew it would happen since that very same smirk graced Stark's face that day he fell back on the traditional method of jimmying the lock on Coulson's door.
Coulson sighs "Dare, Stark."
Romanoff is looking at him. It's like she thinks Coulson is about to be dragged into the weird thing she has with Pepper and Tony. Phil does not understand that one bit. And anyway, Tony? Not his type. He has standards. Honest.
"I dare you… To kiss… Bruce!"
That was to be expected. Tony's a genius, but he's still attempting through the process of elimination. Tony's smirk grows wider as Phil turns to Bruce and shrugs in apology before leaning in and turning to his cheek at the last minute.
"That's cheating!" Tony protests, his eyes wide.
"You didn't specify, Stark." Coulson replies, his eyebrows raised in a challenge of 'You think you can get me that easy?'
Tony frowns, almost, before something seems to dawn on him, and that's when Coulson knows his time is up.
He leans across and silences Tony Stark with a kiss as he reaches between them and spins the bottle to decide who he gets to dare.
"No fair, I was distracted, you could have ninja-jinxed that so it lands on me and you get to dare me."
"There would be no point in it landing on you. I know everything about you and you are shameless enough that no dare could embarrass you."
The bottle lands on Pepper. It looks for a moment like it might land on Barton, but it suddenly jolts at the last second, much to Coulson's relief.
Tony notes the tiny, tiny intake of breath Coulson makes. His smirk reaches an impossibly large size. Coulson decides that he really should have just tasered him. Admittedly, he was a little preoccupied, but this has the potential to be really, really embarrassing.
Not that the best damn agent Nick Fury has ever seen gets embarrassed.
Phil, though, not Agent Coulson… He sometimes gets embarrassed. For example, when he decides to end several months' worth of frustration (he swears the staff in SHIELD medical never, ever go home) by locking himself in his "kindly donated" room at Stark Tower and having a little private time, only to be caught wearing nothing but his tie with his hand on his dick by none other than Tony Stark… He's justified in being embarrassed about that.
He's also allowed to be embarrassed about Tony's mission to "get Agent some lovin'" that ending up in Phil drunkenly rambling to Tony about some unattainable guy living so close but being so far away. He's certainly allowed to be embarrassed (and slightly repulsed at himself) about how Tony thought he was on about him, so leaned in for a kiss that ended abruptly when Coulson moaned out a 'B' sound.
So there they were, two weeks later, sitting on the floor in one of Stark's kitchens, playing a mix of Spin The bottle and Truth or Dare with the Avengers (and Pepper, Darcy, and Jane. Apparently Fury was invited, but…).
Right, Coulson had to ask Pepper now.
"Truth or dare, Pepper?" Coulson was glad she was a friend to him. She knew about his "cellist", as he'd had to confess all after waking up and hearing her apologise profusely for not being able to track down said cellist.
"Truth, I think." Pepper was pretty adorable drunk, as they were all beginning to find out. She had this dark sense of humour and was so sarcastic, especially to Tony. And she was hugging everyone (even Romanoff, which was so funny to see that Coulson figured he'd probably laugh if he wasn't bubbling over with tension for the next time Tony got to dare him).
"What's your opinion on Tony?"
Tony moved his attention from Phil to Pepper at that point, preening in advance of the praise he was sure to get.
"He's a dick."
Tony's face fell.
"But he's my dick." She reached out one long arm towards him and pulled him down into the weird hug-type thing she was involved in with Romanoff. Tony didn't make any dick-related jokes, just allowed his hair to be ruffled by… Romanoff. Well then.
"My turn to spin!" Pepper remembered, perking up and spinning the bottle. "Natasha! Truth or dare?"
"I'm going to skip that, and just go straight to spinning the bottle myself."
"I didn't think you could do that?" Steve protested. Huh. Somehow Phil had actually managed to forget he was here. There was probably way more alcohol in that drink than Tony let on. Oh well.
"You can't, but she's scary, so we let her." Barton said, poking his tongue out at Romanoff.
"Clint! Truth or dare?"
"You haven't spun it yet!"
"You really think it won't land on you?"
"Ugh, fine. Dammit. Truth."
Coulson really wants to be the bottle he was swigging from. Barton probably tastes of that weird beer he's always drinking. It's weird. It suits him. Phil thinks sitting on the floor like this will have ruined his suit. His tongue feels kind of numb.
"What? What did I miss?"
Clint is scowling at Romanoff. The others are all staring between him and Clint now. Did he say that out loud? Shit. Well, Tony was going to tell him everything that he'd said he wanted to do to the previously unknown guy anyway. Wait, Clint's unhappy. He isn't meant to be unhappy. Coulson wasn't expecting reciprocation, but Clint looks angry at the thought. Phil can't take a flat out rejection. No. Nope. Sleeping is probably a way better idea than staying around to be laughed at. Stupid, stupid. How could he fall in love with Barton? Stupid, stupid, stupid…
Clint Barton leans in to kiss Agent Coulson, but Phil is standing up and running away.
"I thought you said he liked Clint?" Steve asks Romanoff, who is stroking Clint's hair now his face has fallen.
"Tony said he did."
"It was either Clint or Bruce, and it's not Bruce."
"Please, it's obviously you he likes. We all saw that kiss." Clint says, his voice thick.
"No, no. I caught him jacking off. If it was me, we'd have fucked."
"That's sounds weirdly helpful." Bruce said, mostly to the one beer he'd allowed himself that was growing warm between his palms.
"Whatever. He's just run off. He obviously doesn't like me that way. I'm stupid to even think so."
With that, Clint stood up also, and went back to his own room to sleep off years of pining and now rejection.
With Clint gone, Tony raised his eyes to the ceiling.
"Hey, JARVIS, you did direct Coulson to the wrong room, right?"
"Of course, sir."
"And now we wait." Tony rubbed his hands together gleefully. Pepper stopped attempting to climb Natasha long enough to ask:
"What's got you so happy?"
"I'm a matchmaking genius, that's what."
The (manly) squeal that fed through the PA system from Clint's room caught everyone's attention.
"JARVIS, open video feed."
Clint's room appeared on the TV screen on the opposite side of the room. Clint moved slightly to the left, uncovering most of the camera to reveal a shirtless Coulson, perched on the edge of Clint's bed, looking at Clint in confusion.
"What are you doing in my room?" He asked, tiredness weighing heavy on his voice.
"This is my room. You ran off, you can't just turn up in here." Clint replied, looking round to make sure that it was actually his room.
"Excuse me for not wanting a public rejection." Coulson muttered, scowling at a stain on the carpet.
"What the… Shut up, you walked out on me!"
"You looked like kissing me was repulsive and hey, I've been in love with you for years, I can't really take that kind of blow, Barton." Coulson huffed, climbing into the left side of the bed and pulling the covers up to his chin.
"Kissing you doesn't sound repulsive, it sounds wonderful. And I would have got to do so if you'd actually stuck around. You could just say that you weren't interested, save my ego or something." Clint hissed in reply, climbing into the right side of the bed.
Back in the kitchen, Steve turned to Bruce.
"Didn't they just both admit they're in love with each other?"
"Yep. I can't tell if they're drunk or just stupid."
"Let me get this straight: we all know that Coulson and Hawkeye have the hots for each other, and they both told each other, and they're both in the same bed now, but they both think the other is disgusted by them?" Darcy interjected.
"Yes. Hawkeye's blind when it comes to Coulson, and Coulson is just… God knows."
Coulson sat bolt upright on the video feed and shook Clint awake. The Avengers, who were beginning to get off the kitchen floor, sat back down again to watch the new development.
"You rejected me." Coulson said, incredulous.
"Uh, no, you rejected me." Clint replied, lying back down in a sulk, before sitting upright as what had dawned on Coulson dawned on him.
"Neither of us… We both?"
Coulson angled his head to the side in amusement, before swooping in to kiss Barton.
"This is ok, right?" Clint nodded in confirmation, and pulled Coulson down on top of him.
"Ok, kids, let's go to bed." Steve said, putting on his 'I'm Captain America' voice so no one argued with him.
"JARVIS, record this." Tony muttered as Steve ushered them all back to their individual rooms.
"Tony! That's private!" Steve insisted, as a low groan of "Fuck, Coulson." played in the background behind him.
"That's what I'm doing." Coulson replied, nipping at Clint's neck.
"That's so hot." Tony groaned, watching the screen.
"Tony!" three slightly appalled voices said. Bruce and Darcy had already gone. Steve would ponder over that at a later date.
For now, he was considering plans to never let Tony match make ever again. It worked, but he didn't need to upset them both first.
Steve had a much nicer, subtler way of doing things.
And in a parallel universe not so far away, that's exactly the plan they went with.