Disclaimer: Much disclaiming to be done on this one. Most of the persons, places, and the events referred to are the property of the Tolkien Estate. Peter Jackson's film version of LotR is also referenced. The character of Figwit was created, so far as I know, by inDUHvidual and Arwenelf on the basis of an Elf extra who appears at the Council of Elrond in the film. You can find a website devoted to Figwit at http://www.figwitlives.net/. The idea of Silmarillion: The Musical and several other references are from Cassandra Claire's Very Secret Diaries, which can be found in several places online, including http://diaries.diagon.org/. The form of the poem is modeled on the song "Don't Cry for Me Argentina" from the rock opera Evita, lyrics by Tim Rice. As always, I write in admiration, with no intention of intellectual theft from any party.

A/N: This particular parody is very unlike my usual work. I have no wish to disown it, but be aware that I rarely write either humor or slash! Chapter 2 is effectively more of the same.



"Don't Cry for Me, Figwit Baby (Legolas's Theme)," from Silmarillion: The Musical



It isn't easy to be so cool.

And I will not explain my techniques -

How I pluck and I groom and peroxide my hair.

You may be jealous -

All that you see is the swooning of crowds -

But now I've a secret to tell:

For you they'll be equally loud.



You have to keep your silence, and keep that pout.

Arwenelf and Ms. DUH will make you

Nothing less than an icon, and a rival to me.

You'll have a website,

Interviews too, what a thrill it will be.

Such fame as you'd never expect

For the character "Elf number three."



But don't cry for me Figwit baby!

The truth is, I will outlast you.

I'm in the next film

And the one after;

You'll have your moment,

But hear my laughter.



For I'll have more than your fleeting fame.

Yes, blonde hair will win in the end.

All the Hobbits will fall for my archery skills.

Though Sam may kill me,

Still I'll travel with Frodo and you'll be stuck here.

Although Elrond may fancy you still,

I will see if the Ringbearer's queer.



No don't cry for me Figwit baby!

For the truth is,

I will outlast you.

I'm in the next film

And the one after;

You'll have your moment,

But hear my laughter.



(Will I lose my looks?

There's nothing worse I can think of in any day.

But since I left that Figwit guy in Rivendell

The prettiest I'll stay...)