Disclaimer: I do not own Homestuck.
Okay I made a thing. Enjoy.
(Also those words in italics that are not them signing are the voices in Kurloz's head.)
Voices
You don't know why you came here. It was a terrible idea. Every time you do, something bad happens.
Okay, maybe that isn't fair. Not every time. Just the last time.
You know, that time that you caused your matesprit to lose her hearing for all eternity-
No, don't think about that. Ignore the voices. They aren't something you need in your head right now. Not now, not ever. You try to clear your head of all thoughts and sit with her, drawing ships that she never shuts up about.
Quite an odd girl, that Meulin. You've always thought so. Always obsessed with other people, thinking about other people, wishing for other people to get together. Pretty selfless, some would say. Or obsessive. Either way, you think it's cute as hell.
You glance up at your ex-matesprit and your mouth breaks into the smallest of smiles, tugging at the stitches slightly. She catches you staring at her and smiles back.
"How are those blackroms coming?" she asks. Sometimes she talks to you instead of signing by accident. You wish she could hear how sweet her voice sounds. Music to your ears. You like it when she speaks to you. The signing is great, but hearing her voice reminds you of old times. Better times.
You can have it all back if you just-
You reply with a simple thumbs-up before continuing. She gives you a satisfactory grin and goes back to her drawings. Your eyes travel downwards slightly and you notice a piece of paper tucked into her stockings.
You tap her on the shoulder to get her attention and sign, 'What's that?' pointing at the paper.
She looks down and blushes when she sees what you are signing about. 'Nothing.' she signs. You cock an eyebrow and reach for it, but she quickly slaps your hand away before you can grab it. 'It's nothing, really.' she signs, a nervous look with a hint of desperation on her pale face.
You hesitate, but nod and look back at the drawings you have completed. You decide that you have done quite a good job for the day, and wipe the remaining blood on your fingers on your dark shirt sleeve. Your eyes find the paper again, but you head is still low. Meulin sighs and takes it out, as though she could feel your eyes on her. 'Here.' she signs. 'You might as well see it.'
She pulls at her stocking to release the folded piece of paper which was torn from a book. She hands it too you and you accept it before unfolding it gingerly. Your heart drops into the pit of your stomach when you see the drawing. Meulin and you, with a small red heart in between you two. You sigh and look at her. Her hair is covering her face which is turned away from yours. You place the drawing on the floor and put your hand on her shoulder gently.
She's just begging for it-
She turns around and signs, 'Sorry.' with a sheepish look on her face. You smile softly and apologetically, regretting the choice of asking if you could see the drawing. Regretting the choice of coming here. Regretting the choice of leaving her.
'Don't be sorry. It's okay if you ship us.' you sign to her with an apologetic smile on your painted face. She nods and shifts her weight uncomfortably on the floor. The two of you sit in silence for a moment.
You know you ship it too-
You eventually decide that you have already made an ass of yourself and it's probably best if you leave, so you stand up and sign, 'Maybe I'll see you tomorrow.'
Her back straightens and her eyes widen quickly before she stands up. 'Kurloz, wait.' she signs to you. You look at her in front of you, waiting for an answer, but she just stands there awkwardly. After a few seconds, she takes a deep breath and looks up at you. "I-I miss you, Kurloz." she says to you, using her real voice and not her fingers. Her voice is much quieter than you're used to hearing.
Time to man up, buddy-
You move her hair out of her face and look into her eyes. The eyes you miss so much. Your hand ligers near her face for a moment before you lean in. A breath hitches in her throat and her eyes close gently. You know that what you want to do so badly right now is the worst possible idea, so you quickly bail out by turning your head to kiss her cheek softly. When you pull away, she opens her eyes and her shoulders relax. She smiles, but it's disappointed and tired, unlike the usual excited and overjoyed grin that adorns her sweet face.
She signs, 'Kurloz, do you think that we…' she pauses before continuing. 'We could ever be matesprits again?' You take a long look at her face. Hopeful. Nervous. Desperate.
You decide to answer her by wrapping your arms around her in a bear hug. The sudden contact gives her a small fright but she relaxes quickly and before you know it, her arms are around your neck and her head on your chest. The embrace is long and quiet, and feels completely natural.
You could do so much more than this childish stuff-
You lean downwards to give her a kiss on her forehead but she makes the swiftest of movements so that your lips land on hers. It's slightly clumsy but still satisfactory.
Maybe you shouldn't have sewn ya mouth shut-
Your arms snake their way around her waist and you soften the originally disorganised-kiss, and all of a sudden, her fingers are in your hair, curling and tugging slightly. You smile, lips still on hers. Your hands run up and down her back gently and you feel her shiver slightly at the touch.
The kiss is soft. Gentle. Innocent. Unlike the heated ones you two used to have. Damn, do you miss those. You miss everything you used to do together. Everything about her.
A minute or so after you realise what you are actually doing, you pull away. She breathes a shaky breath, rests her forehead on your chest and says, "We aren't going to be matesprits again, are we?"
Sign yes, asshole-
You don't say anything. You just hold her tighter, letting her head rest on your shoulder. She takes that as a no and relaxes into the hug.
You stand there for, who knows how long, just holding each other.
Don't be a pansy-
You squeeze your eyes closed, feeling tears threaten to come out. Not now. Not in front of Meulin. You blink them away and feel her grip on you loosen. You let go. She is about to turn away, but you touch her shoulder and turn her to you gently before she has time to. You tilt her head upwards with your hand and give her a small peck on her cheek.
Her skin is a lot softer than you remember, but her eyes are tired and her fingers are calloused and you just want to hug her and never let her go. Kiss her like you used to. Love her, like you used to.
Even when you're with her, you miss her like hell. But the worst part about missing Meulin, is that you know that you can have her and everything you used to do back in one second if you just sign so.
But you don't.
So you give her that overused apologetic and sad smile one more time before seeing her give you the same one.
You leave on that note. It isn't a happy one, but it's better than taking things further. Or at least, that's what the remaining voices aren't telling you. And you have discovered that it's best not to listen to them.
What are you doing?
You ignore it and keep walking. Out of her hive, out of the matespritship you used to share, out of her life.
What an idiot.