Note: I do not own Poldark or its characters. This story is adapted from BBC's Poldark season 1 episode 4. Enjoy reading! I would be glad to read your reviews! :)
Despite of what had seemed a most successful evening, Demelza feels otherwise. After the Warleggans and the Trenogloses had gone home, she stayed a little longer in the winter parlour with Elizabeth for company. It had been strange and terrifying at first that she had wished hard that Verity would take Elizabeth's place.
She is very beautiful, Demelza had thought, it is no wonder that Ross seems not to be able to take his eyes off of her.
Demelza had sat opposite Elizabeth with a measurable distance between them. Elizabeth had treated her affectionately and had offered her friendship as any friend would. It had been difficult for Demelza to take notice of any hidden resentment behind Elizabeth's warm smile or in Elizabeth's long and delicate fingers as she had touched Demelza's hand for some sort of assurance. Demelza had tried to be comfortable around her, offering her friendship as well, albeit the occasional, strained smile on her face.
While Demelza had been trying to reason with herself, particularly of Elizabeth's unusual treatment of her, thoughts about the evening's events began to cloud her judgement.
Her first appearance as Mistress Poldark of Nampara had been remarkably welcomed by the invited few of high society. The Warleggans and the Trenogloses might have had wrinkled their noses and looked at her in disgust but Demelza had been sure that by the end of the evening, they had considered her a startling success. But despite all their praises and admirations, Demelza had known that she will never be one of them.
Elizabeth had suddenly interrupted her train of thought, inviting her to tea Saturday next. She had answered, despite of herself with a "T-that twould be lovely, thank you." And soon, she had continued to drift away in the bitter sorrow of her thoughts. As if she could feel worse than what she had felt, she had continued to ask herself tormenting questions if a little bit harshly. Judas! How ever will I completely stop being a disappointment, a most regretted decision to the man who I love? And how in the world will I compete with Elizabeth Poldark, Ross's first and perhaps only love?
Demelza had choked─ almost died─ on that last one and she had coughed and coughed till Elizabeth, the ever-charming and graceful Elizabeth advised her to take rest. If it hadn't been for feeling nauseous all day what with a child growing in her, Demelza would have defiantly protested against Elizabeth's advice. But she had known better just as Elizabeth had had so she had excused herself and the two women bade each other goodnight.
She had gone directly to the bedroom, avoiding the other parlour where Ross had been busy talking to Francis about the mine. Demelza had felt that Ross was the least person she wanted to see. P'raps Ross does not want to see me as well which is why ee continues to talk to 'is cousin despite the lateness of the night. Mebbe after talkin' with Francis, Ross will try to get to Elizabeth's room first and…and…
She had stopped right there and then. She had known that she should stop thoughts of Ross betraying her. Demelza isn't sure if Ross really loves her but she is very much certain that Ross is a man of his word and will never do something traitorous as that. Dismissing such thoughts, she had reached their room, quickly took a warm bath and headed straight to the large, four-poster bed.
Now in bed, Demelza feels less sickly as before. The silence of the room is deafening; she could hear the pounding of her heart, like hammer pounding against cloth. A gurgle in her throat tells her that any time now she would gag. And it would be horrible; she especially does not want Ross to see her in such a way.
Speaking of Ross, she remembers how he had looked at her when she had sung earlier in the evening. There had been such longing in his eyes, mixed with a hunger and a desire that needed to be satisfied. But not only that! Had there been a look of love and warmth also? Demelza isn't quite sure but she had indeed felt that her heart had gone extremely wild and upbeat, despite the melancholic tune of the song which she had successfully sung. It had been the first time that Demelza had been able to take notice of such a look in Ross's eyes. Just thinking about it makes Demelza feel at ease, as if all her worries are gone. Still, thoughts of Elizabeth could indeed be put momentarily on hold but they could never escape Demelza's mind.
Before she had entered the winter parlour, Elizabeth had been playing the harp beautifully. Perhaps, Ross had also looked at Elizabeth in such a way as he had looked at Demelza but more endearingly and perhaps most genuinely. If he had had, then Demelza feels that all is lost. She knows that she will always be lower than Elizabeth who had proper education and breeding and who would always be beautiful and elegant despite the coming of time. Demelza is no fool as to admit to herself that Ross will always have a special place in his heart for Elizabeth. That is truly the most wounding of all.
The door opens and the room fills with the sound of footsteps Demelza is familiar of. Ross. She immediately pretends to be asleep as she turns her head back from the door. She hears him struggle with his boots, his breathing heavy and tired. For a moment, Demelza is driven by a wifely instinct to help her husband but she curbs the urge just in time. Ross has already climbed in bed with perhaps his breeches still on. Demelza tries to normalize her own breathing, still pretending to be asleep. She absolutely does not want to talk or to see Ross in her previous state; for all she knows, she might be doing him also a favor.
But Ross does not lie yet in bed. Demelza could feel that he is just sitting and maybe thinking. Demelza suddenly turns her head facing Ross, almost intuitively, and she realizes her mistake too late. Ross's hand is already caressing her hair in that familiar sort of way husbands do to their wives. She immediately warms in his affection but suddenly stiffens when Ross wipes away a tear on her left cheek.
"Oh, child. Whatever is your reason for crying, you should have told me." Ross whispers to her, still thinking that she is asleep as he kisses her just below her left eye. Demelza's heart has just attained the right mix of hot and cold because she feels she could kill Ross any moment now. How dare ee call me a child? 'Tis always a dreadful thing to say to 'is wife!
But she controls herself and just when she decides to turn her back against him, Ross kisses her on her forehead this time and says, "Merry Christmas, my love."
What did ee say? Demelza does not breathe for a few seconds and suddenly fears that she might not be able to for the next. She simply could not believe what she just heard that she sits up almost immediately much to the astounded look on Ross's face.
"Good Lord, I thought you were asleep!" Ross says as he removes his neck cloth. He looks at Demelza warily, thinking if Demelza had been really asleep and had not been listening to everything he had said earlier. Not that he hadn't wanted her to hear. Strange, how he did not see this one coming. He knows how Demelza could be fast asleep, especially after a hearty dinner.
"I was." Demelza lies through clenched teeth. They look at each other for a moment, not saying a word. Ross suddenly begins to sheepishly smile at her.
"What?" Demelza asks, still thinking of whether to confirm what she had heard him say earlier or not. She just does not know how to phrase it properly.
"You were lying. You weren't really asleep. Well, I had in fact thought you were but clearly you were not. No human being heavy in sleep could have sat up that straight just as you have done earlier. Unless you had a bad dream?"
"Really, I was sleepin' like a baby, Ross! And yes, 'twas a bad dream but naught to worry 'bout. Let's go to sleep." She flattens the blanket as if it needed fixing.
"You heard me, my love."
Demelza's heart continues to pound wildly. She becomes afraid that it would leap out of her chest. It is so very odd how Ross can say those two words with such an impact on her.
"Did you really mean it, Ross?" Almost hesitantly put, she has just gathered the courage and now, she fears the worst.
Ross stops undressing for a moment and drops his shirt. It hits the floor with the faintest of thuds. Demelza thinks that she could hear every bit of sound in the room as Ross thinks through his answer. From the sound of a vermin's scuffling little feet to the soft wisps of the candles in their room. From the softest creak of their door to the very ragged breathing of husband and wife as they face opposite each other, unsure of what to say of their feelings.
Demelza fears that Ross might never be able to answer her and so as she moves to lie down again, he stops her and holds her wrist.
"Demelza, please. Hear what I have to say," Ross looks into her eyes with an intensity that is almost spellbinding that Demelza could not refuse but rather be pulled in. "I love you and I mean it. Do you doubt me?"
"A little, Ross." Despite how she could have jumped for joy at that instant, what she had wanted to say was, Of course, I doubt you! I will always doubt you so as long as Elizabeth is alive.
As if hearing her thoughts, Ross says, "I do not blame you, Demelza. You can doubt me all your life but you should know this. It took me a moment to answer you earlier because I was foolish enough to think through what is obviously the only answer I can give to you. I love you and I will always will."
Ross is right, she might always doubt him. But despite of it all, Demelza could hear truth and sincerity in Ross's words. He loves her and he means it wholeheartedly. Hearing it from his lips is enough to make her life complete. Demelza knows that there will always be this unthinkable attachment between Ross and Elizabeth. She could never outdo that. Elizabeth had him first and Demelza took Ross from her. What Ross and Elizabeth had does not matter to her ─to them─ now. It might matter again sooner or later but not now. Not ever during this very moment.
"Do 'ee now? But how can I be assured of that, Ross?" She asks teasingly.
"Now, let this be both an assurance and a reminder then to my lovely wife who had been such a success this evening." Ross's eyes light up and he smiles wickedly as he kisses her with fervent passion than ever before, as if it could drain away all Demelza's fears and doubts.