A/N: Hi all! So I know that I haven't updated my other stuff in FOREVER, but college is stressful haha. I promise to get an update to 831 and to Obliviate sometime in the near future, and maybe even a new installment in the What A Malfoy Wants storyline if I'm feeling particularly terrible about making you guys wait so long.
Anyway, I don't normally like songfics, but this song was playing while I was reading a SSxLE fic, and I almost died when I realized how perfectly this would fit. Basically, this is set on the eve of the final battle. Snape is waiting in his quarters for Voldemort to summon him and end it all, remembering Lily through letters that they exchanged when they were at Hogwarts.
Since I'm not used to doing songfics, I'm not entirely sure how people generally break it up. I've seen where the lyrics are a separate entity from the story, which bothers me because there's no connection there. So I incorporated the lyrics in dialogue when it fit, and other times I left them in brackets as a general thought or mood... So, I hope it's not too confusing...
Here's the basic breakdown that I used:
Severus' thoughts / flashbacks. Usually Lily speaking, sometimes James or the past Severus.
"Severus' current dialogue, mostly drunken slurs"
"Severus' writings to Lily"
[Lyrics]
Well, enjoy, and PLEASE review? I'd like to hear your thoughts on my first songfic, let alone the first SnapexLily story I've ever dabbled in!
DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER, OR Against All Will's SONG. Kthxbai.
.:The Drug I Need:.
An angry fire crackled ominously in the onyx fireplace in the personal quarters of one Severus Snape. The dour potions professor was currently alone, several empty bottles of firewhisky beside him. A small, shabby-looking box was curled protectively in his hands. Severus stared at the fire, tears swimming in his eyes, as he pulled another precious letter out of the box. He allowed his tired eyes to wash over the flowing script, so familiar even after all of these years, even to his unfocused eyes. He also identified his own, messy handwriting from some of the letters, mostly ones that he had never had the courage to give to their addressee. A small sob threatened to escape his throat, but his pride wouldn't allow it. Chastising himself for a lack of control, he opened his glassy eyes and placed a delicate kiss against the parchment. After a moment, he gently let the letter drift away from him until the flames eagerly licked at the old parchment. He watched, heartbroken, as the edges curled, blackened, and turned to ash.
[I'm burning the letters you wrote to me]
[In a fire that I will not forget]
"I'm sayin' goo-bye in m'own way…" He sniffled a little as the words left his clumsy mouth.
[And turning this love into a hate]
Severus' eyes flashed angrily as he recalled the reason for this particular pity-party (not that he needed a reason on this night, in what would likely be his final hours in this miserable world).
"Potter…" He growled. "S'all yer fo…fu…fault!" Story of his life. Half choking on the insane laughter that bubbled up from inside him, Snape wondered if he was doomed to forever be plagued by the owners of that messy black hair.
Severus grabbed the next letter, not even able to look at the heartfelt message that he'd written to his one true love, before he tossed it into the flames to join the others.
[And there's a sadness I feel with letting go]
"I hate wan'ing somethin' I can'ever hold…"
Severus' eyes looked beyond his small quarters, back through time.
His younger self was perched atop a wall, waiting for Lily to walk by so he could give her one of the letters he'd written for her. His heart jumped into his throat and he smiled as he saw her red hair through the crowd. He was about to jump down so he could sneak behind her and surprise her, but then he noticed a startling mop of black hair bouncing along beside her auburn halo. He tightened his hold on the letter in his hand, lower lip quivering slightly in anger or anguish, he couldn't decide.
"Forgive me if I'm giving up, but…" He retreated into the shadows, watching with wide eyes.
"We both know you can't truly hate something you've never loved." James smirked cockily at the muggleborn witch.
[I hate the way you bring me down]
"I hate the things you say to me, James." Lily turned her nose up at the black-haired nuisance, but Snape didn't miss the small smile that she hid as she turned and quickly walked away.
James Potter walked away, smirking (did he even have another expression?)
"I 'ate the way you make me feel t'day, but yer the drug I need." Severus slurred, coming back from his memories. The already very drunk wizard reached for his bottle of firewhisky, angrily hurling the empty bottle across the room when he realized it could offer him nothing. He quickly summoned another unopened bottle to his side. Not bothering with a glass this time, Severus opted instead to gulp down as much of the burning liquid as possible straight from the bottle. He carelessly tossed the Elder Wand onto the sofa next to him, in case he needed to summon more liquor. He pulled out another letter, one from towards the end of his friendship with Lily Evans. He had been steadily gravitating towards the Dark Lord, and Lily had been trying to change his always pensive and sad demeanor.
"I'm tired of trying to put a smile you your face, Severus. You just keep on reaching… Some things never change."
"There is a sadness I feel with knowing you, and a heart ache that comes with the things you do… Maybe I'm just a fool… All I have is my hate now-"
Voldmort's voice echoed around the castle, threatening destruction if Harry Potter wasn't delivered to him.
"You wanna take that too?" Severus screamed at the world in general, standing up suddenly and spilling his firewhisky in the process. He snarled at the hot liquid, glaring at it in disgust as an internal battle, equal if not greater in magnitude to the coming war outside, tore him upart. He had made a promise to Dumbledore to protect Harry, but every time he looked at the cocky young wizard, he could see nothing but James Potter. All of the old feelings of hatred came up to the surface, and it was no surprise that he acted so venomously towards the boy.
Even his most basic crutch, the hatred that he had harbored for all of these years, was beyond his control now. Harry Potter was far more important than he was, so he didn't have the luxury of allowing his feelings to cloud his judgement.
Although, he thought to himself, at this rate, the firewhisky's doing a damned good job of that anyway. He chuckled quickly, taking another swig of the bottled inferno.
"I hate the way you bring me down…" He muttered, sadly sobering up quite a bit at the thought of just how important Harry bloody Potter actually was.
"I hate the things you say to me, James Potter!" Lily's voice echoed inside his mind, and the mocking laughter of James chased closely after it.
"I hate the way you make me feel today, Lily-flower. But you can't control these things. You're the drug I need."
The fucking wanker! He had the audacity to wink at Lily, who blushed prettily at his line. Severus tightened his hold on his beloved bottle, ignoring the box of letters now. Pure unadulterated rage coursed through his veins. Potter had dared to quote one of the letters that he had caught Severus writing one day. He had read it out loud, declarations of love and all, in front of a group of his minions. He had made fun of the heartfelt contents of the letter, yet he dared to use the very same words…
Inspired to write to his lost love one last time, he pulled out a blank scrap of parchment and summoned his favorite quill. He spoke aloud as he tried to feverishly write down everything he wanted to say to Lily Evans.
"'M dreamin' of yesterday… Where your smile was e'rywhere."
Her voice, her scent, was all around him. He closed his eyes, imaging for a moment that the last seventeen years had been no more than a terrible, terrible dream.
"Maybe I'm saving the best of me for someone who really cares, James! Not some arrogant git like you!"
Severus smiled at that particular memory of Lily storming off after slapping Potter hard enough to leave a red mark on his cheek.
"So I'm writing some words today to help me find my way… Maybe you will never understand why my hate is all I really have today…" He sneered as he remembered the final breaking point, when James had somehow managed to win Lily's heart.
"I hate the way you bring me down. I hate the things you say to me. I hate the way you make me feel today… But you're the drug I need, too." A shy smile. A tiny, upwards quirk of her lips was enough to destroy Severus Snape's entire world. The one thing he could ever love walked away from him, hand in hand with James Potter, while he remained unnoticed in the shadows.
The potions master jumped with a small yelp when the quill in his hand snapped in half, spraying ink everywhere. He scrubbed angrily at the tears that rolled unbidden down his face, spreading the cursed ink. Frustrated, he reached for the Elder Wand, cleaning up the ink and vanishing the now useless quill. His free hand crumpled the parchment he had been scribbling on, and finally the real sobs broke through. He was hardly able to breathe beyond the unbearable pain in his heart.
His dark mark began to sting ominously, and a calm dread settled in his stomach.
"S'time…" He pressed a kiss to the crumbled parchment, tossing it into the fire.
[I hate the way you bring me down]
[I hate the things you say to me]
[I hate the way you make me feel today]
Severus almost didn't feel the repeated strikes of Voldemort's beloved snake. He considered it a small blessing that the firewhisky was already burning through his veins, so he couldn't feel any difference when the venom started to trace its deadly path through his body. Voldemort apparated away with the Elder Wand, and Severus allowed the tears to flow once more.
[But you're the drug I need]
Lily's bright green eyes swam in front of his blurry vision, and for a moment, he allowed himself to smile as a sense of peace washed over him. Before he could open his mouth to try to speak, another figure moved to the left of those mesmerizing eyes, and Snape's heart sank as he recognized the busy outline of Hermione Granger. He closed his eyes in disappointment.
Potter… Of course.
[I hate the way you bring me down]
[I hate the things you say to me]
[I hate the way you make me feel today]
He somehow managed to bring the necessary memories to the forefront of his mind, and to convince Potter to take them. Granger looked like she was going to be sick, and tears swam in those green eyes, just like they had all those years ago when those fateful words had left Severus's humiliated mouth.
"I don't need help from a stupid little Mudblood like her!"
[I hate the way you bring me down]
[I hate the things you say to me]
[I hate the way you make me feel today]
"Severus…" And then another pair of green eyes were there, surrounded by a faintly glowing head of vibrant red hair. There was a soft smile on her lips as she reached out a hand to her best friend, an expression of forgiveness. A gasping sob ripped itself from Severus' throat as his lungs struggled to function and his heart struggled to beat. The soft, loving expression in those beloved eyes gave him the courage he needed to let go. With one last shuddering breath, he felt the blackness closing in around him.
The last thing he saw was two pairs of Avada-Green eyes gazing back at him; one pair filled with respect and pity, and the other with forgiveness. A soft smile settled on his lips as he grasped Lily Evans' hand after all of these years, and he turned his back on all of the pain of his old life, moving forwards towards the light he deserved after far too many long, hard years of suffering.
You're the drug I need…
Hope you liked it! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE review?
Arya Rose