So I Googled 'drabble prompt generator' and found a nice little website, pressed the 'plot punter' option and these are the things that popped up first -
1. A pet turns out to be a minor villain in disguise!
2. A major protagonist is being stalked by a horse.
3. A minor villain finds out that a minor protagonist has been keeping a secret that changes everything.
and I got this hilarious idea for a one-shot that I just had to write down, the bunny wouldn't leave me alone. It even stalked me in my dreams… yeah, I gave into its instance before it gave birth to even more cute little monsters. Now, I'm not sure if it's actually any funny, or if it's my own weird humour that has me thinking that it's any good at all… you'll be reading at the risk of your sanity, is what I'm saying. Beware!
WARNING! I think I might have bashed Sasuke a bit; he's certainly being an OOC-prick. I kinda like it, though. I hope I captured the superiority- and inferiority- complexes I imagine he has at this point in time (though it is greatly exaggerated). THIS IS CRACK, btw. Also, Danzo is hiding as a cat by the name of Snotball. The bit with the horse went a bit over the line but I'm keeping it… OC CHARACTER DEATH (it's a horse). This also isn't beta-read, sooooooo. Yeah!
Sasuke saves the day!
Sasuke's day had been… not good, per se (That Man was still alive, after all), but he was moderately satisfied with what Kakashi had told him and his team half an hour ago. The man had been his usual lazy self and had arrived three hours late; this was in and of itself no surprise. What had surprised Sasuke was that Kakashi had actually had a legitimate excuse for being late (that, or the man had finally learned to lie (convincingly). Sasuke was leaning towards the former, because Kakashi and lying (convincingly) just didn't go together).
Kakashi had been late because, he claimed (and Sasuke had decided to trust him, this time), he had been registering Team Seven as one of Genin teams to enter the Chūnin Exams. They were being held in Konoha this year and Sasuke was looking forwards to 'testing his strength against the most skilled Genin the world had to offer' (that's what he would say out loud, at least. Sasuke saw it more as 'crushing immature brats under his heel so that he could prepare for That Man'. The ingrates should be grateful to have helped, however slightly, in his growth as a shiobi).
"I deserve a reward," Sasuke said to himself, ignoring the strange looks sent his way like a pro. They didn't understand his greatness, well, his clan's greatness; he wasn't all that strong – "Nope. Not thinking like that, shut up!" Sasuke snapped at himself, and growled (a truly fearsome sound) at a passing kid who thought she was allowed to stare at him. Pfft, kids- no wait. Pfft, people. Yeah, that was better. People were, Sasuke had noticed, stupid and weak and utterly undeserving of even knowing his name, much less his clan's…
Was that tomatoes he smelled? The delicious aroma of true deliciousness wafted past him and Sasuke followed the call of the Godess of fruit to a nearby stand. The nearby fruit stand. The one Sasuke went to every week, every month, every year (since That Man did That Unforgivable Crime and Sasuke had to take care of his own food).
"Ah, Sasuke-sama! The usual?" The man behind the fruit stand asked cheerfully. Sasuke could understand the man; he had the best tomatoes in all of Konoha, possibly even the world, and as such Sasuke had no choice but to shop from his stand. Having The Last Uchiha (Except Not Really) buy from his fruit stand must bring a lot of prestige, Sasuke knew.
"Hn," Sasuke grunted, because this was a plebian Sasuke was used to talking to, and Sasuke knew the language simple people prefered.
After paying – not that he really had to pay, the plebian was one of the smarter ones; he knew quality when he saw it (the tomatoes were proof of that, they were top-quality) and thought that spending a couple of minutes in Sasuke's presence was more than enough (as it should be) – Sasuke continued on his way to the Uchiha Compound. The walk was, as usual, more of a way to stay away from his home (he could've gotten there much quicker if he had taken the rooftops, for example). It had nothing to do with liking nature or being among people, like some of his more challenged fan girls seemed to think.
It had to do with the fact that Sasuke always (always!) found hair in his apartment after he returned from his training. The hair had been showing up since That Man committed That Unforgivable Crime on That Night, and Sasuke was convinced that That Man was responsible. It was nonetheless a bit creepy to come home to a broken-down door (Sasuke had stopped fixing it by now, no one would dare to enter his apartment, after all… shut up) and to find that something(Sasuke wasn't sure if the breaker-of-the-door was a human, the disgusting piles of… stuff it left in his home were not human and it didn't look as though someone had placed them there by hand.) had chewed on his clothes and been in his bathroom.
Sasuke was used to the silence of the Compound (he tried to pretend that it was full of people who were simply silenced by their awe for him. It never worked) and so he immediately noticed that something was off. No noise was supposed to come from his apartment… It hit Sasuke with all the subtlety of a pie to the face (sugar, blegh! He was not That Man with his unhealthy pocky obsession, tomatoes were far more superior) that the door-breaker was still in his home, no doubt chewing on his expensive Uchiha clothes!
Sasuke would stand this indignity no longer, and as he took of down the road like an avenging demon (because only girls and stupid people believed in avenging angels. Pfft, ridiculous. There were no way God existed; He would never have allowed That Man to do That.) he made sure to bring his top-quality Uchiha kunai out of his weapon pouch (there was a text, in extremely fine small-print, that said 'Made in Uchiha Pouch Heaven, maker of pouches' on the inside of the pouch).
"You won't get away with this, you plebian!" Sasuke liked that word. "Prepare to… what the fuck?" There was a horse in his apartment. An honest to the Devil horse! As if that wasn't enough; it was in the middle of rubbing itself all over Sasuke's bed! Sasuke took a menacing step forward, intent on giving this horse a piece of his mind. What happened next is something he never told anyone.
The horse lit up like a Christmas tree (seriously, had it eaten something radioactive?) when it spotted Sasuke and bowled him over in an over-excited tackle while the Last Uchiha (Except Not Really) was blinded by the light it was giving of. The horse proceeded to give Sasuke the most disgusting, and thorough, shower he had ever received by another living creature. Sasuke was fairly certain that it was more traumatizing than what That Man had done.
Sasuke managed to free himself from the fan girl-horse after a brief (an hour long) struggle, and the effort it took (it involved whipped cream, a screw driver, and some of his hair) nearly had Sasuke giving up on life. That Man was still alive, though, and this horse was no doubt one of his allies in his task of making sure that Sasuke would get some friends. Hah, Sasuke knew all about That Man's attempts at reversed psychology; tell Sasuke to give up on life or having bonds of any kind with anyone at all and he will go against what you say and make lots of friends just to spite That Man and then That Man will swoop in andkillEVERYONEAGAIN! Nope, Sasuke was smart (and not insane) and he would not fall for such an obvious trap.
Sasuke killed the horse with a kunai in hand and a maniacal smile on his face. Take that, That Man! Your servant horse is no more! There was a bit of hysterical laughter and tears, because Sasuke likes horses, okay?! There was nothing wrong with liking an animal that knew its place – as a slave for all of humanity (they even accepted plebeians on their backs, which Sasuke thought was a bit stupid, but whatever. He liked horses).
After he had finished murdering the (door-breaking-stalker) horse, Sasuke took a moment to ponder all the blood that was now staining his apartment floor. It looked a bit like the juice in a tomato and, in a moment of pure insanity (Sasuke admitted that he was a bit… unbalanced. But only sometimes! He was nothing like That Man. Mostly… probably) he thought that maybe he should leave it like it was. Then logic smashed the budding insanity into little bits of the-good-kind-of-crazy and Sasuke decided that he should simply get someone else to clean up for him.
"Hey! You there! Ugly girl with no fashion sense!" Sasuke didn't intend to be rude, he just said it like it was.
"Are you talking to- is that blood?!" The ugly girl with no fashion sense asked, rather stupidly in Sasuke's opinion. Of course it is blood.
"Hn. You have to clean up the mess I made in my apartment just now, so hurry up!" Sasuke grabbed the ugly girl by the arm and started to drag her down the road.
The girl ripped her arm from his grip and Sasuke would have been slightly impressed if he wasn't so annoyed. Who did she think she was?! "What the hell?! I'm not going anywhere with you!"
Sasuke grunted, like a boss, and decided that he needed to pull some hardcore BS in order to get this fashion challenged girl to do as he wanted. "What's your name, ugly girl?"
The girl, who was actually a kunoichi from Otogakure and a servant of the S-class missing-nin Orochimaru, (not that Sasuke knew this. He wouldn't have cared if he had known) took a moment to blink as the conversation went down an entirely other route. Well, the boy was handsome… "Tsuchi Kin –"
Sasuke didn't care to know anything else, he didn't really care about her name either (or her existence); he just wanted her to clean up his apartment without asking any questions. "Tsuchi-san, what I'm about to tell you is of the highest importance and you must bring this information to you village's leader as soon as you have cleaned my apartment, understood?" Sasuke made sure his voice was just so, the girl had to think it was important but that she had the time to clean up the blood on his floor (and dispose of the corpse). Kin nodded, and Sasuke suddenly remembered that he didn't know this girl and that he had no idea of what kind of BS she would swallow. Sasuke decided to do what he did best; be a pretentious bastard, "Your kage is actually the secret son of the third Hokage, a bastard, and Hokage-sama would like to have a talk with him as soon as possible – but only after you have cleaned up in my apartment."
Kin allowed herself to be led to the boy's home – what was his name, anyway? He never said… - her mind was a whirl of thoughts. Denial warred with logic and soon she could see that he wasn't all crazy-talk. Orochimaru-sama must not know, otherwise he wouldn't be attacking his father as well as his old home. It made sense, though. Everyone knew that there had been something weird about the Sanin; Tsunade-hime was the granddaughter of the first Hokage and a genius besides. The Toad Sage, Jiraiya was, well, a pervert of such epic proportions that even newly born children knew of his womanizing ways. Orochimaru-sama was a batshit-insane genius bent on immortality. This was the first thing that was logical at all. Of course the leader of the village would want to train his son (even though he must have been even creepier as a kid)!
This needed to be brought to Orochimaru-sama's attention post-haste!
But first, she owed the boy for bringing this to her attention. As she stepped over the bashed-down-door, her attention was brought to the dead body of a horse lying in the middle of the room.
"What…" The multiple stab-wounds and mutilated head made her a bit sick. Who could do this to an innocent horse?!
"Just clean it up, will you? It's starting to smell." Kin didn't understand this boy, just looking at him she could tell that he was meaning everything he was saying. His face was serious, apathetic, but she could detect a glint in his eyes that spoke of happiness. Now that she thought about it, cleaning this up would give her some time to think up a way to break the news to Orochimaru-sama…
Sitting in the shadows of an alley was a black cat. Now, this cat was no ordinary cat, it was a human who could turn into a cat. This cat-person was crazy, so he was technically a crazy cat-person and since he had never married… you can see where this is going.
The cat had just heard some very interesting news, something that made him wonder what other secrets Hiruzen was hiding. Perhaps it wouldn't be safe to try and take the Hokage position from his rival just yet…
The cat's scheming was interrupted by the delighted scream of a child, "Snotball! Don't run away like that!" His name was Danzo(-sama), damn it! Not 'Snotball'!
Sasuke would never know that his selfish BS-ing had just saved Konoha from an invasion that would have cost them their Hokage. He would never know that he was the reason that Orochimaru returned as a Konoha shinobi. He did know, however, that he never would have succeeded in killing That Man (it involved confetti, some tomatoes, the sacrifices of seven virgins, and a lot of pink explosion) if it wasn't for the tutelage of the returned missing-nin.
THE END
Did anyone actually read this?! You're almost as weird as I am for writing it, man! I will grieve the loss of your sanity (but you can't sue me because I warned you!).